Should the woman take the man's name on marriage?

I don't think a woman loves her husband any less if she wants to keep her last name. For some women it is important to them to keep their name for professional reasons. For other women their name is a part of their identity. I would never try to imply that a woman who doesn't take her husband's last name is refusing to out of disrespect or lack of love. I'm sorry if it came off that way.

For me it is important though. I feel personally that giving your wife your last name is a gift. I would feel devestated if my husband were to want me to keep my name, like some how he didn't want me quite as much as he could. I'd wonder why he felt I was unworthy to have it. A marriage creates a family, even if it only is a family of two. A family stands united. To me, a shared last name symbolizes that.

In America, most women do as "Pat" said--take the husband's name, and move their own maiden name up to the middle name, dropping the original middle name. As Louise said, some people do hyphenate their names, which is all right in theory, but in another generation you will have Jane Reynolds-Smith marrying Tom Johnson-Meyers and their child will be John Reynolds-Smith-Johnson-Meyers. Uggg. For myself, I love having my husband's name. Just this anniversary (our 22nd) my husband had an iron plaque made for the front of our house which said "House of (Last Name), Est. (Wedding Date)." It felt like the most romantic gift ever. For the first year I was married, I felt a tingle of excitement any time my new name was mentioned, and I ALWAYS preferred "Mrs." to "Ms." Taken in Hand is on many levels about belonging body and soul to your husband, and what better way to show that than to share his name? Charlotte

I had always planned to keep my maiden name when I got married. I liked it, and I was used to it. I never really discussed it with my husband before because I assumed that he would not have an opinion on the matter. I was wrong. When we met with the Justice of the Peace he told me that the time to decide to keep my own name or not was when we signed the licence. If I wanted my husband's name I signed it with my new name. I told the JP that I would be signing my old name. After we left my husband told me it was important to him that I take his name. I thought about it for a couple of days, trying to weigh the implications. I decided that since he had never really asked for anything before that it was more important to him that I take his name than it was for me to keep my maiden name. So I changed it. Now 13 years later it makes no difference to me at all.

I did have a friend who took her husband's name and 5 years later changed it back. She never felt right about changing it. She loved her husband dearly as far as I could tell.

In the province of Quebec women who want to take their husband's name have to go through the process of legally changing it. They assume there you will keep your name.

I tend to agree that it is more a custom than a sign of true devotion. Incidentally I have known two men who took their wife's name when they got married. In Canada you have to go through a legal name change process to do this. The men wanted the same family name as their wives, but preferred the wives' name. I think you can be taken in hand no matter which you decide on the name change idea.

Take care,
Tevemer

It is all much simpler in England. Either a marriage certificate (if you wish, but only if you wish) or a statutory declaration of name change will do it. To make a statutory declaration of name change, you just write something like the following, take it to a solicitor, and make the declaration. He stamps the paper and that's it. It costs five pounds. Piece of cake.

Statutory Declaration of Name Change

I, [your new name], of [your address]

DO SOLEMNLY AND SINCERELY DECLARE as follows:

I absolutely and entirely renounce, relinquish and abandon the use of my former name of [your old name], and assume, adopt and determine to take and use the name of [your new name] in substitution of my former name.

I shall at all times hereafter in all records, deeds and documents and other writings, and in all actions, proceedings, as well as in all dealings and transactions on all occasions whatsoever use and subscribe the said name of [your new name] as my name in substitution for my former name of [your old name] so relinquished as aforesaid to the intent that I may hereafter be called, known or distinguished not by my former name of [your old name] but by my name of [your new name] only.

I authorise and require all persons at all times to designate, describe and address me by the adopted name of [your new name], and I make this solemn declaration conscientiously believing the same to be true and by virtue of the provisions of the Statutory Declarations Act 1835.

Signed:

SIGNED AND DECLARED at:

in the County of [your county]

this day, the

Before me,

[Do an internet search and you can find better variations of this wording.]

And was so happy and proud to take it when we married. I will admit, there are still times I have to think about how to spell it.

With my first marriage, I kept my maiden name and hypenated it. Two reasons... I am very close to my father and he had all girls. He is an only child. I wanted the name to carry on. Second reason, my first husband had a horrible last name and I just didn't like it. Things got too confusing at doctor's offices etc because they never remembered where they filed you away..first last name or second!

Now I only use my husband's and he's Mexican and likes to tell me in the Spanish world, a woman keeps her name and adds the man's to it also. Geesh, I dont want to go thru the lost chart thing again..LOL.

I am not sure what I think about this. On the one hand I found it rather thrilling that my grandmother so proudly called herself “Mrs [my grandfather's full name including first name – let's call him ‘James Smith’]” and it seems important or at least rather nice to underline the fact of being your husband's wife in that way. It sounds shockingly politically incorrect to use such a form nowadays, but that just makes it rather fun (oh, the shocked faces!) as well as thrilling.

OTOH, I feel deeply attached to my name, and the idea of losing it makes me feel sad and as though I would be losing an important part of myself. I want to give myself, not lose myself. Why it feels like that to me, I am not altogether sure and can't justify rationally, but it does. (I also have professional reasons for wanting to retain my name but those are just practical and not really the heart of the matter.)

But I dislike the strident dogmatism I have seen in some of my friends insisting on keeping their names. It seems so... cold.

So my current feeling (which might well change) is that if I were getting married I'd prefer to do both: keep my name that feels such a deep part of me, but also follow my grandmother's example and call myself (and delight in being called) Mrs [my husband's full name]. Obviously, my grandmother's name was not legally “Mrs James Smith” or whatever – I am pretty sure that her passport said “Elizabeth” (or whatever her actual first name was) not “James” – but for many purposes and certainly socially and with tradesmen and so on, that (or rather, my grandfather's actual name!) is what she preferred to be called.

Should the woman take the man's name on marriage?
If you are a man, would you expect or want her to take your name?

If I should ever marry again, then by default I would expect the woman to take my surname. If she has a profession or business based around another name, I can understand a need to continue use of that name but it need not stop her from taking mine as her legal name.

I would be open, as with most things, to discussion and would try to understand any thoughts and feelings she might have to the contrary but I don't imagine I'd be persuaded. I know of more than one unmarried couple where the woman has taken the man's name and it just seems right to me that a woman who belongs to me by marriage would take my name.

If the woman has a name from a previous marriage, then absolutely and without question, I would have her take my name. A refusal to do so would not be countenanced.

As for this nonsense of "Ms" in a society where the norm is for a married female to be addressed as "Mrs", I just see it as a way for a woman to offer insult to her husband. For sure, if it was normal to have a married version of the male honorific, I would happily adopt it - why not? (Actually it did change historically, in some circles, but the shortened version of both is still "Mr".)

It was written in an earlier comment that Olga Oblad would be a common name in Sweden. In my opinion, it isn't. Both in Finland and in Sweden Olga is a name for those born in the early 20th century.

I said that. It was just a joke. My husband's family is swedish and I am so clearly not. It also kind of plays on some stereotypical ideas that people have about the name Olga in America and the fact that that is a very, very uncommon name in the states. I guess it probably wasn't too clear (or that clever) if you don't know us. Sorry.

Otter*
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"The moment that I looked into your eyes, you owned me."
-Kenny Chesney

Not sure where you live but in the USA you cannot use more than one name legally--especially not in this age of identity theft, impersonations, etc. You have to choose ONE name and stick with it.

Maybe what you can do is, LEGALLY keep your own name (documents, etc), but SOCIALLY/privately allow yourself to be called by your husband's last name (dinner parties, etc). That way there is no *formal record* of you adopting his name while still formally using your own name, since it is illegal to use more than one name constantly and simultaneously.

Wow, this is all very interesting! I was born and raised in California by a very, strong, independent woman, but I always expected to take my husband's name upon marriage. And I, personally, have never heard of it being common in the United States to start using your maiden name as your middle name and drop your middle name! I would never give up my middle name, but I was quite happy to give up my maiden name. I don't really like the sound of hyphenated last names, too much of a mouthful sometimes. And I never know which last name the children use.

Both my husband and I were married in the past and have children from our previous marriage. The only very slight inconvenience is that my daughter's last name is my ex-husband's last name, so people I meet related to her school or activities think that is also my name. Many people we know also have the same situation, so it's no big deal at all. I just say, "Oh thank you, but I'm Mrs. Miller, not Mrs. Jones."

I have several friends and family members that use their maiden name, or prior married name, for business matters because either they are well-established with that name, or, because their university degree is in that name. But, in their personal lives, such as home correspondence and bills, greeting cards, announcements, etc. they use their husband's name.

I personally love the idea of taking my husband's name, even if I didn't like the name very much. I really lucked out, though, because my husband has a very nice-sounding last name that's easy to spell and pronounce. I do have family members who had nice, normal names, but gave them up to take on their husband's unusual last names, just to be traditional. I'm lucky I didn't have to do that, but I gladly would have! I love the feeling of "belonging" to him by taking his name, but that doesn't mean that you don't love your husband if you don't take his last name. I just happen to prefer it, myself!

My husband has never said anything about this subject, but knowing him as well as I do, I'm sure he prefers that we are "Mr. & Mrs. Miller," instead of "Mr. Miller & Ms. Jones." But, again, to each his or her own!

In the olden days, all of a man's children were called by his name and were in fact considered his property. On marriage, a woman was handed over to another man and was then called by HIS name.

Since I am not owned, and gave myself freely and proudly, we did not have the "father giving daughter away" ritual in our wedding, nor am I called by my husband's name, ever.

In Ireland it is quite common for women to keep their maiden names: children are still usually given the father's surname, as ours were (since double-barrelling can be clumsy as mentioned above).

All that was long before I discovered Taken in Hand and "outed" my nature: but I don't think I would do it differently again. Though I probably WOULD now include a vow of obedience, which I did not make and now regret.

But just think of the generations of women, handed over like objects, always named for the nearest man, stripped of legal rights and powerless. No, I don't care to imitate their rituals and customs. I am myself, the identity I always had.

18 years ago, I gladly took my beloved's name. Up until the day my father gave me away, I was honored to carry his name. Guess I'm a little old fashioned. I certainly hope our kids follow our example!

I was surprised to see someone mention that in the USA it is most common to use your maiden name as your new middle name.

I'm from the South - so that probably explains it, but...
I don't personally know anyone who didn't take her husband's name. I have heard of this one girl where my husband works who kept her maiden name. Interestingly, she is known to be rude to her husband when she speaks to him on the phone, and is considered one of "those" girls ("those" being said w/ a bit of an eye roll, and meaning a modern feminist type). Of course, my husband works in an oil refinery where men are typically manly and old fashioned, they don't exactly fit the mold of the modern metro male.

I only know of one person who put her maiden name as her new middle name.

It's not even an issue. You get married - you take his name. That's not at all to say that all marriages here are old fashioned, and most certainly not Taken In Hand, but that at least, there are some things that are still just a given - taking a man's name being one of them.

Probably not entirely unrelated - but also, there is no shame in being a stay at home housewife here. I love that about the south. Plenty of women work and all, but you aren't looked down on for being a full time housewife.

In my country (Iceland) we still mostly use the old patronymic system (or sometimes matronymic), so there are few family names.

I, my wife, my daughter and my son all have different last names. My daughter's last name is something like Jabberwockysdaughter (assuming Jabberwocky were my FIRST name), my son's last name is Jabberwockysson. If my father's FIRST name were Bandersnatch then I would be Jabberwocky Bandersnatchsson, and so forth. My children could also just as well have been named after their mother, my wife, using her first name in the same fashion (not very common, but not at all considered strange). BTW, if you want to find someone in the Icelandic phone-book, you would look for him or her under the first name. And addressing someone by his or her last name is almost as weird to an Icelander as addressing by social-security number. The last name is just for further identification, when needed.

So as, you would expect, I tend not to have strong feelings about the subject at hand, but I would expect that the subject could involve strong feelings that should then be respected by both parties. That is what this forum is about, isn't it? Trying to find effective ways to connect husband and wife in positive feelings and happiness (with the underlying assumption of at least the possibility of consentual Taken In Hand).