Throw out the rules!

Brandy's article, Blanket consent, got me thinking about the whole rulemaking process. The idea of a list of rules is lost on me. I know for some it is the essential part of discipline, i.e., without the rule and the breaking of that rule discipline is unnecessary or nonexistent. I have heard examples of some couples' lists and they are extensive. Some read like a laundry list of nitpicking and those lists are evidentiary proof, in my humble opinion, of an egomaniacal man run amok over his doormat wife. A much better approach, in my opinion, is blanket consent. The same result (a clean happy home) can be reached without all the micromanaging.

Our life together is way too busy for me to sit down with my fiancé and make out a list of house rules and keep track of misdeeds, etc. (Incidentally, that is what people do when they fight generally and we know what a time waster that is.) I have happily given up the role of control freak and my fiancé has no desire to take it up where I left off. He's too laid back for a bunch of rules. (Easygoing and dominant – is that weird?) Anyway, we know what we want out of the relationship, we know what level of intimacy and family harmony we are seeking to maintain, we know what we can do to ensure that the other feels like a happy fulfilled partner in the relationship, so why mess it up with rules?

Even though I say I know what makes my fiancé happy, it's not that he wrote it down and posted it on the fridge and then put a smiley face next to it everyday I did that certain thing. For me it is the same with rules. I know what tips the balance away from happiness and/or peace in the house (which is our ultimate goal). In my opinion it almost cheapens the goal to have to make that tick mark next to each item each and every day. I think I take a more global approach to domestic discipline, at least as it works in my home, and I cannot think of it as narrowly as twenty items on a page. Maybe for some people the goal is the “perfect wife” who never overspends the grocery budget or who always mops the floor three times a week and does each of those twenty items on her list of rules consistently, or even refrains from doing them whatever the case may be. Thankfully, that is not us.

If I was spanked for not being on task with the housework or being late picking up dry cleaning or any of the more mundane tasks I would resent each of those rules. It would be much like the difference between “I want to” and “I have to”. I wouldn't be nearly as happy to do those things if they were rules and not blessings. Now I will tell you that I revel in the joy that is a clean house. I bless my fiancé with good homecooked hot dinners, clean fresh towels in the bathroom, and other touches that will make him know I am happy he lives here, too. I know my fiancé appreciates that I take the time to make our home a beautiful and comfortable haven for both of us. He is the one who noticed that I never fail to sing while doing dishes (yes the wonder that is new aromatherapy dish soap). Would I be so blissfully domestic if I dutifully ticked off each item only to avoid a spanking? Nope, not a chance. I think people run the risk of becoming too enmeshed in the details (the rules) that they lose sight of the goal.

But just say there are no written rules, and also say for the sake of argument, that I do let the house get unkempt and dirty and there's not a clean matched set of socks to be found anywhere within it. Our haven has now become a hovel. What is the likely result? Discord, unhappiness, unrest and a general yucky feeling like a black cloud hangs over our once tranquil abode. And what is the ultimate result of that? Yep, you guessed it – spanks for me because I tipped the balance from peaceful and happy to chaotic and unhappy – and most unnecessarily I might add. Maybe, some of you men out there whose women are struggling in the homemaking department might try throwing out the house rules for a while and see if she responds better to the idea of bestowing blessings over following rules. And like I said, you can come to the same result without the all the micromanaging or resentment.

That being said, I have two final thoughts: 1. In my opinion, a woman should bless her man with a clean happy home because she respects him and herself, and 2. I have found that for me a general attitude adjustment, i.e., spanking or sex or especially both, always serves as motivation. I can go from shrew to domestic goddess in no time flat. It's in my wiring, I think.

Daisy

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Have you seen the following articles?
Feeling the dragon's fire
Spanking is the last resort
How I met my husband, and how that impacted my life
Why you shouldn't mention the ‘M’ word
How it felt to be taken in hand for the very first time
Is your new man dominant, domineering, or a dithering wimp?
A new journey
Happily married to a dominant man
Journey into true submission
Ms. Damen [should be] taken in hand (Joking!)

2003 Nov 5 - 11:04 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Submissive but not subservient

I'm with you on the house rules tick list. I'd resent being punished for not managing to get stuff done and I think it would make the whole lifestyle I live feel somehow stage managed, unreal and a pretence. DD in our household means working together in an environment where my husband is ultimately in control, where we've pre-agreed that we'll talk through important decisions but that ultimately he gets to make them and in order to sustain that environment, my obedience to his decisions is enforced in various ways, including him spanking me when I'm out of line and also to keep me in line.

But I think that I differ with the idea that it is a woman's job to give her husband a clean home and to do the dishes etc in the first place. In my humble opinion, submissive and subservient are way apart. Subservient just makes me think of servility, perhaps I've got the definitions wrong but I don't see DD for me as being anything to do with the housework. We do have rules as to who does which chores and they are written down as part of our contract to each other but they are pretty equally divided and recognise our individual likes, dislikes, aptitudes and talents. The reason for writing them down was I suppose more to do with the fact that I'm a lawyer through and through, I like to make lists and keep records and I like them to be complete!

I am, in my marriage, submissive. I thrive on the whole feeling of having been taken in hand at last. The most important thing my husband has done for me was to command my respect and to deserve my trust. I'm now thinking gooey thoughts about him so I'm going to finish this comment and ring him to tell him how much I love him!

Issie

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Nov 5 - 11:56 | login or register to post comments

Rules do spark resentment, ev...

Rules do spark resentment, even when they are your own. When things dont work out just the way you visulize a plateau of emotions come aboard. You think its your fault but then you think well if they didnt do that or did do this then it would have worked....on and on ( as examples )leading to the resentment. Common sense and logic fly out the window if the resentment issue stays for to long to ( often ). Not to say there wont be misgivings over other things in life but why add to it? I agree DD does not entail being a servent for your HoH...thats more M/s in my opinion. I clean my house because I enjoy doing so and it reflects better for values with our children. I enjoy pleasing my husband in a multitude of ways and believe in going above and beyond because he does the same for me pretty much on a daily basis. DD helped us in the beginning to learn how to communicate better so we were respecting each other at all times. We taught each other....together :) It stays in place now as a structure we build upon. Our biggest stresses now come from outside the home but we breeze through these things easier now as well. Life has been like our honeymoon on a constant basis since instilling DD in our lives. We make it work together.

Mistic

by mistic on 2003 Nov 5 - 19:44 | login or register to post comments

Rules and resentment

IF you don't have rules, the punishment's arbitrary and that will cause resentment sure as eggs is eggs.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Nov 7 - 11:12 | login or register to post comments

Arbitrary punishment

It's not true that punishment's arbitrary if there's no rules. The article made that clear.

by Kerry B. on 2003 Nov 8 - 19:06 | login or register to post comments

Rules are needed by kids, not...

Rules are needed by kids, not adults. If you grew up then rules are not needed....period. LOL

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Nov 8 - 20:17 | login or register to post comments

Argh...

Every time I read the above anonymous comment about rules not being needed by adults, I wince.

Dear Anonymous Someone,

Don't be ridiculous: Rules exist in every society.

They are called "laws" and there are consequences if you break them...

...period.

by Amber on 2003 Nov 21 - 22:53 | login or register to post comments

Rules are not needed but they can be fun!

Someone commented that adults don't need rules.... but who said anything about needing them? Perhaps they are just fun for some people. I personally am not very keen on having lists of rules, but if someone else is, whatever is the problem?! Who knows, maybe one day I will want to explore rules. Does it matter?! Why is it such a big deal to anyone else? Why are our detractors so insufferably prescriptive? Why must everyone do things their way? One gets the distinct impression that people feel threatened by these ideas...

by the boss on 2003 Nov 28 - 04:44 | login or register to post comments

Making rules

I didn't think Paul would ever make a rule. He's just too easygoing about everything. But there are a lot of things that I care about a lot, and I beat myself up (psychologically) if I don't do them right, or on time. The one thing he *does* really care about is the emotional atmosphere in our home. When I'm unhappy with myself, I make the whole family unhappy. So he has agreed to check up on me and offer me warnings for motivation. If I fail to do what I think I should, he'll punish me hard enough that I don't need to punish myself.

by Melanie on 2003 Nov 29 - 04:48 | login or register to post comments

amber

I guess then Amber might have not learned ' common sense ' growing up ALONG with Rules which are the primary guidelines for law and order. Anyone that breaks them is simply an idiot, ROFL

SOMEONE

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Nov 29 - 20:34 | login or register to post comments

Rules vs Tasks

The whole issue of rules or no rules seems to hit a hot button with many here. Personally, I’m a firm believer in rules and couldn’t see myself in a relationship without them, but tasks, as described by Daisy is a different issue altogether. A couple of rules that I could not see myself yielding to, for example, are that she has a concern for her own health and safety. Exercising self control and refraining from yelling, screaming and generaly being argumentative are other rules that are simply not an option for any relationship that I would enter. But creating and enforcing rules pertaining to tasks; doing laundry, dishes, and getting to bed at a decent hour, I think are issues that need to be discussed beforehand and mutually agreed upon.

by Robert on 2004 Jan 20 - 08:47 | login or register to post comments

I agree with Robert

My husband and I have very few rules and none of them are related to specific tasks. The rules we have are related to our mutual happiness - for instance, no disrespectful speaking towards one another (he does not tolerate cursing, screaming or any other 'acting out' activities by me, and I used to do this a lot! Now as soon as I raise my voice, he just calls my name calmly and firmly and I stop, or I don't stop and upstairs a I go, no matter who is in the house!); not arguing in front of his family (for some reason, this is extremely important to him and that's why I follow this rule - for his happiness); discussing and planning major purchases with one another (I'd be quite upset if he came home with a new car without discussing it first with me.)

At any rate, these rules are about both of us being happy - not just him and not just me. And he doesn't worry about micromanaging me.

FM

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 Aug 3 - 20:41 | login or register to post comments

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