Taken In Hand has changed our marriage

For us, Taken In Hand was a last ditch effort to save our marriage. During the last couple of years, my husband and I had been having a lot of difficulty being on the same page while dealing with life's stresses. Our communication was going down hill quickly and we were both feeling more and more distant from each other. After 25 years, we saw our relationship on the verge of being in real trouble and we were so frustrated because we love each other so much. When we were at odds, he would get mad and retreat and I would become more hurt, resentful and desperate. We would have terrible screaming fights. We tried several times to work really hard at getting along but we would always find ourselves in the same place. Retreat, disrespect, inconsideration and distance were beginning to be the words used to describe our marriage and we both hated it!

Finally, he was away on a trip one night and I had been reading on the Taken In Hand site (we had erotically played with spanking for years). While reading, a light bulb went on and I began to envision how this Taken In Hand idea could be used to improve our relationship. I was up all night thinking about it and planning what I would say to him. When he returned the next day, we lay on the bed talking and I told him how worried I was about us and I knew he was frustrated too.

I said, “When we are not getting along, we both get so upset – I outwardly and you inwardly. My mind starts wondering and I get more upset and insecure and pretty soon, I am almost emotionally unreachable. You are mad because we are not understanding each other and you isolate yourself form me. This puts me in more of a tailspin. We need to step back and re-evaluate how we are relating to each other and what our individual needs are. I know that I need you to be more strong and firm with me. If we are discussing something and it seems like we are beginning to get defensive with each other, I need you to take the responsibility of controlling the situation. Keep your own temper in check and stay steady the way you can. Reel me in before I get out of hand. I know I would respond to it. I guess what I am saying is that maybe you should take your authority out of the bedroom and make it real in our everyday lives.”

We discussed it for a few hours and he was very quiet but his first response was, “I think you might have stumbled on to something here”. I printed out some posts from the Taken In Hand site for him. The posts were not theoretical or philosophical but more the practical “this is what works for us” posts. He learned a lot from how other Taken In Hand couples relate and I believe it gave him the courage and insight to establish some boundaries for us and our relationship. Seems like we discussed it for hours during the next few days, trying to figure it out and how it could work for us.

Before long, he really seemed to easily fall into a very authoritative role with me. He learned (and is still learning) how to use his masculinity to create an atmosphere which can calm me down and bring a very secure and feminine side of me to the top. He does this with his love, his tone and voice and sometimes, his belt. I responded quickly – almost instantaneously – to this very loving but authoritative side of him.

We say that Taken In Hand has “put us in our places”. His place is to be attentive, loving, protective and dominant. My place is to be considerate, loving, encouraging and submissive. In our places, he is in charge, which is absolutely fine with me. He sets the pace and it completely fulfills me to follow. There is a deep, deep need in me for this. I am a strong woman but deep inside, I love being vulnerable to this man.

Taken In Hand forces us to think about each other more. It requires him to be more involved in me and take more responsibility for our relationship. It forces me to be more respectful and to think before I respond with just my emotions; it has literally changed the way I think about him.

My husband has told me that he feels more like a man in our relationship: he loves being in charge and I love submitting to him. At times, he backs up his authority with physical discipline and we have discovered that this works for us. I seem to need a physical reminder of my responsibilities towards him. A discipline session can put us back or keep us in our places. The benefits are ongoing and have taken us to a deeper level of trust and intimacy.

As with anything new, we have had bumps trying to figure all this out and how it works best for us. Several times, we have fallen away from our new roles and begun to slip back to our old ways of relating and we have both been miserable. No doubt the dynamics will continue to change as we figure it out for ourselves. However, neither of us would go back to life without it. We are feeling things for each other that we hadn't felt in years. We are definitely more sexually tuned into each other than ever.

It is hard to describe in a few paragraphs how or why this works for us and the changes we have seen in our marriage because of it. I do think a couple would need to be wired for this in order for it to work. For us, the wiring was there and I feel it has saved our marriage.

Lisa Smith

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Happy living in fear of a man?!
Being Taken In Hand doesn't mean being silent
Practical hints for men - times of stress
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
What the woman gets out of it
Who says you have to be submissive?
Love-based service
Surrendered in love
Learning the ropes
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be

2005 May 21 - 23:00 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Lisa, I am so glad you have f

Lisa, I am so glad you have found something that works really well for you and your husband. It seems so natural, and yet, it also seems like it's such a big secret these days! Why is that? In our case, our marriage was always good. We were always respectful of each other and kind to each other, but our relationship was not male-led. Now that we have a "taken in hand" relationship, things are so much better than they were. Physical discipline is not so much a part of our relationship--that is reserved for when I feel like I want it, not something he imposes on me--but like your husband, my husband has found that "being in charge" has made him so much CALMER. He is a great influence on me and our kids now. Before taken in hand, his temper often got the best of him and he would end up snapping or yelling at the kids. Now he's stays calm and focused. Such a difference! Charlotte

by Charlotte on 2005 May 23 - 12:46 | reply to this comment

The change is wonderful!

My wife of twenty-one years approached me with starting a taken in hand relationship not so long ago. We have become newly weds again. Learning so many wonderful things about each other every since. I think our family is stronger, our love is deeper, and our thoughts are always on each other. I'm not sure you have to be truly 'wired' for this kind of relationship for it to work. Any couple willing to let only one person take the wheel and carry the responsibility could do this. Each one doing their part to make it work. The rewards are beyond our wildest dreams.

Greg

by Greg on 2005 May 24 - 04:33 | reply to this comment

How do you know you were not wired for it?

Greg...I know you do not consider yourself 'wired,' and this is fine, I am not sure myself what it takes to be wired up. But reading over your post with its clear excitement over your new found intimacy in your marriage using a Taken In Hand approach, how is it that you consider your own feelings different than other males in Taken In Hand relationships? Did you have to work at this a long time before the male leadership clicked for you? You say 'not so long ago' which says to me you 'got it' fairly quickly. I have always taken this to be a sign of a 'wired' man, though I could definitely be wrong.

I realize that 'wired' men are not in general HOH types until the woman asks for it, in general anyway, and so before this the marriage can be virtually anything...often times a mess. But once the Taken In Hand subject is broached (usually by the woman), a 'wired' man blossoms in almost no time at all. This seems to be what you are describing. I guess I am not sure what you mean by saying you are 'not wired.'

Frank Nelson

by Frank on 2005 May 25 - 03:59 | reply to this comment

I have always wanted this

I have always wanted a Taken In Hand relationship. At times I didn't like admitting it to myself. I come from a family that was so female led it was not even funny. My mother ruled everything with an iron fist, including my father. I love my father with all my heart and we are very close, but I never understood why he put up with that. I know my mother loves him too, but I feel she took away his manhood. I suppose I should say they have been married for 50+ years so it's worked for them, but it was not for me.

As a child I used to love watching the I Love Lucy re-runs. I always felt Ricky loved her and those times he threw her over his knee when he knew she needed it showed me just how much he loved her.

I tried being my mother in my first marriage and I hated it and had no respect for my ex ever. Never once did he ever stand up to me. Naturally even though it's not what I want, it is slightly ingrained in me so I tried it with my soul-mate, my current husband. He did not take it, he let me know this was not going to go on and he was the man not me. First I was mad, how dare he? Then I thought, FINALLY, a man who is not afraid to be a man.

Numerous times he would say how he wanted nothing more than to throw me over his knee when I was being a shrew. I told him to just do it. He's not done it yet, but I am sure when my dark moods hit, he will no longer hesitate.

by happy_wife on 2005 May 26 - 17:37 | reply to this comment

Wired or not

I quess what I mean by 'not wired' for a Take in Hand relationship is I never thought of having such a relationship and I never considered spanking for anything but play. Maybe to me someone 'wired' for this, would have an idea about it beforehand. I would have to admit I find this relationship much more satisfying than I could have imagined. So, maybe I am 'wired'. I find it hard to think most men are not if I am.

by Greg on 2005 Jun 1 - 03:38 | reply to this comment

I find it hard to think most men are not if I am

I found Greg's comment refreshing. I find the idea of a Taken In Hand relationship very appealing/arousing. At this point I would feel embarrassed to talk about it with just about anyone that I know, but my sense is that while many men may be embarrassed to talk about it or even to think about it, most men would find it appealing/arousing just as I do.

by Dov on 2006 Dec 20 - 04:48 | reply to this comment

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