Whose job is it?
When Gary and I met, we each had private agendas for what we each held as ‘perfect’ partners. I had wanted and hoped for someone who loved me. But also to hold an equal amount of dominant authority. I had been fantasizing about a man who loved me and a man who spanked me, ever since I can remember.
Gary too had definite thoughts on what he wanted from a woman. He was positive he wanted control. He knew he needed to be the unquestioned leader, but equally important, he wanted someone he could love. He did not have expectations for himself as much as he knew what he wanted to give. And then we met.
It took time for our relationship to cement. Life situations made it necessary for us to get to know each other primarily on the phone. And surprisingly, it worked out exceptionally well. I was always available, and he was had the means and resources to accommodate that. When we finally established ourselves as a couple some things took place. Gary is firmly in charge of decisions. I am firmly in charge of letting him know what I want or need.
Never once in our time together have I wanted Gary to change, to alter or to expect him to be any different than what he is. I have often read that women want different things from their husbands, and feel that they need to talk or explain or show them excerpts from sites or discussion lists to help them understand what their role is. I have never thought that way. I never thought I had a role to play or Gary had to fulfill something. I was lucky enough (or strongly encouraged) to be simply myself.
I really never felt I needed to direct the relationship. I wanted Gary to spank me� and give me limits so I would have the security so many of us crave. But that was not up to me. I could only voice my needs. He decided what,�where and when. He did not even necessarily think I needed to know why. Although he did tell me most of the time.
What I did learn was that it was necessary for me to know that Gary would follow through on anything he said. I am the type of there is a loophole, I will spot it and run. For miles before he can catch me. So if he says something is going to happen, it has to happen. And that lets me rest and sleep at night. Gary on the other hand knows I look for loopholes so when he sets limits, they are hard limits. No exceptions.
And after all this time what do we have? A man who can dominate me with endless love and nurturing. And I can submit without thought or fear. Very steamy, very hot and very much for the long run.
Have you seen the following articles?
Is there consent?
My first experiences of taking a woman in hand
How Sleeping Beauty found her prince
Why you should not withhold spanking!
Surrendered in love
Is this a victory?
White hot intensity and boundless joy
Joyful submission
Blanket consent
Secretary: a deeper understanding
Comments
#1 I dont think women 'direct' t...
I dont think women 'direct' their men to let them know what thier role is supposed to be. From what I read most women are trying to find a way to show thier man what they want to express it. The men are new to it and need to feel comfortable with it knowing other men do this without abuse involved. Its rare ( sadly ) that women dont have men that can be in control from the get go, not that they dont want to but have been taught in society in our era thats its a taboo which complicates it for most women.
#2 Who's job is it...
Often when women are finally brave enough to bring this lifestyle to the men in their lives, there is one of two or three scenarios.
One might be the Can Never Do It..don't ask again.
Then there may be the Tentative...give me some time and I'll see.
And of course the ones who need some time to figure it out but can step up to the plate and proceed.
It is the second group I refer to.
Even in Vanilla relationships. Often in my many boyfriend scenarios,
I had to encourage, entice, redirect and sometimes downright direct the relationship so it could have some substance.
When left on it's own, it was often flagging. Men wanted excitement or depth, but didn't have the skills, or a hidden agenda.
So women are left having to 'direct' the play so 'something' can happen.
And when the urge to finally implement DD, they really want their men to understand what they want.
If he is being wishy/washy or inconsistent then women find ways to help direct their attention, or imagination or whatever it takes for them to 'get it'.
This is not about being callous or wanting what they want.
It's about making themselves understood and often that takes a strong amount of direction....Blush
#3 Can it be hot and steamy if one of the partners is not into it?
Blush spoke of people trying to direct their partners towards taking a dominant position in the relationship. She then wrote:
In his article, The path, Aiden argued that men who are not naturally or already dominant never will be. The question is: is it still possible for a relationship to derive the heat Blush mentions from this move towards dominance if the man is not naturally dominant? And if not, does that mean women in this position should give up? It would be very interesting to hear from anyone who has thoughts or experience of this!
#4 Yes it takes a strong amount ...
Yes it takes a strong amount of direction as they learn to evolve together and learn to tune in to each other.
Mistic