My feelings about spanking are very mixed. I have always found being spanked a thrilling experience, and it always has an added frisson of excitement if I feel I am 'really' being punished. My husband knows this, which is why he usually finds some reason to spank me, because it adds an edge of excitement that is otherwise lacking. If I haven't actually done anything he thinks merits a spanking (a rare occurrence) he tends to spank me anyway, because, as he rightly observes "there's bound to be something", but this lacks that extra thrill.

What happened on this occasion, as has happened once previously, was that I felt he was sufficiently angry that he was thinking more about punishing me than about the erotic effect that being spanked was having on me, and this makes it, perversely, even more erotic, but at the same time rather disturbing. I don't actually want him to be angry with me, the whole purpose of having a Taken In Hand relationship, for me, is to give us a calmer and happier life together. We are both very highly strung people, but having a Taken In Hand relationship has made us both more relaxed, which is good.

The importance of this incident for me was not that he spanked me, but that in spite of his anger he managed to keep his temper, he didn't go out of control, and therefore brought me back under control. The spanking, although important to me, was secondary to the feeling that he simply wasn't letting me stay out of control, and that he wasn't letting me push him out of control either. After he'd spanked me I felt, calm, secure, and suitably contrite, but the spanking on its own could not have done those things to me. He remained in charge of the situation, that was what mattered.

Dear Pat,

What you say about enjoying the pretense of a spanking being for a real reason is very interesting, because I have always had this need to feel that it is 'real' in some way. But with me I have a definite need to feel that it is fair rather than unfair, if I feel genuinely that I have done something wrong, it greatly increases the excitement and drama of it all.

When I came home from going AWOL on Monday I felt genuinely quite nervous about my husband's possible reaction, and finding that he was, although very angry, still in control of the situation was a great relief. After he had given me what he referred to ominously as 'a foretaste of what's to come' I tried to go on the computer to check my emails, but couldn't get on the internet.
"The computer's not working" I said plaintively.
"That" he explained "is because I've put the childlock on it."
"But I want to check my emails" I whined.
"If you ask me very, very nicely, I may take it off" he said. So after I'd grovelled for a while he took the lock off. This was even more of a turn-on; he had the power to deprive me of the Internet, and I was entirely helpless to do anything about it. Why did I find this so thrilling? I don't know, but I did.

One thing I've never understood though, is when people say that being spanked relieves them of guilt. If I feel guilty about something, I never feel that being spanked makes any difference. I did feel genuine guilt about the Hampton Court incident: I'd ruined his day and caused him real worry (he didn't know where I'd gone). Being spanked didn't relive my guilt feelings in any way at all.

Louise

Hi, this is my first post on this site, though I've read every word on it in the past few weeks. Louise, what a great day you had - Hampton Court and two spankings! I'm jealous!

This site is the one that's been the most help to me in understanding just what the heck I wanted, and in giving me the courage to suggest it to my husband. I had known for a long time that I craved spankings, but when we tried it, it just didn't work. But you guys helped me understand that there was a lot more involved than spanking, and also the weird fact that you can still crave something that hurts.

Louise, I especially appreciate your calm, humorous sanity. I had a distinct lightbulb moment when reading your posts - "If this sensible middle-aged lady likes this, and incorporates it as part of a normal life, then I could too!"

I managed to get here sort of sideways, during a web search for ways to rejuvenate my vanished sex drive. I had managed to figure out that I craved very strong, painful stimuli. But most websites about that are either gross or that weird BDSM mixture of sadism and bureaucracy. There just wasn't very much feeling, it seemed to me.

So I stumbled across the "Loving DD" blog, which I found powerfully arousing. But also weird. It was kinky as all get out, but with no sex. I was thinking, "This is great! But where's the part where I roll over on my spanked bottom and yell, 'Have your way with me, you big hairy man!'?" And of course I'd read that this "domestic discipline" was being touted as Biblical by some Christians, which raised a whole 'nother set of questions: So God wants all the naughty wives to be stood in the corner with their bottoms bare? Really? What on earth goes on at these people's church services? And can I join?

Luckily I skimmed down the links and saw Taken in Hand, which turned out to have more normal people per square foot than most places on the web. And after reading the whole thing as avidly and excitedly as though it were pornography, I understood myself better than I ever had before. And I figured out what kind of hints to drop to my husband, who picked up on them remarkably quickly. Come to think of it, he had been dropping hints for quite a while, but I'd really had no idea what he meant...

So a couple of weeks ago we were talking about my miserable bouts of depression. I said semi-playfully, "The next time I get like that, you should just spank me". He shot back, "I may hold you to that". The next day, he told me something that upset me out of all proportion. After crying by myself for awhile, I finally got up and went to him. "I'm depressed", I said. He pulled me to him and said firmly, "There'll be NO depression in this house!" and smacked me on the bottom a few times. Annnnnd... everything changed. I felt great. Happy. In love. I went back to my computer and looked at the Taken in Hand site, and wept a couple of sentimental tears about all my good buddies I'd never actually talked to. (Yes, that's weird. There's a lot more going on here than endorphins...)

So I sat there thinking, "Maybe I could deal with starting this taken in hand stuff...It wouldn't be that strange...Maybe I could try a little...Uh, I just did, didn't I?"

~~~~Valerie

"It is a rather peculiar thing to want, after all" - quoted from Louise

Thank you, Valerie, for calling me sensible! My husband is out at work today, but if he was home I can imagine his sardonic laughter if I told him what you'd said, since, as he sometimes tells me "like most women, you haven't got two brain cells to rub together."

I found discovering this site very helpful too, since although I had always been vaguely aware that I wanted more than spanking, this site really helped me to understand exactly what it was I wanted. The women on here mostly seem to be sane, intelligent women who want to be in male-led relationships because they like it, not because of some peculiar religious creed or something.

I have also been a bit puzzled by the idea that there is something Biblical about men spanking their wives. There is no passage in the Bible that I'm aware of that recommends wife-spanking (if there were, I would most certainly have found it by now). Like you, though, I might consider joining a church that practised it!

My curiosity was piqued by your mention of the Loving DD site, so I checked it out and found myself getting very turned on as I read (somewhat unwisely, since my husband won't be home till tomorrow morning). The trouble with that site though is their insistence that DD isn't erotic, that a punishment spanking is an unpleasant experience etc, I found myself muttering "Oh, come off it!" as I read. I can't grasp the non-erotic DD thing at all. As someone who isn't into spanking at all remarked to me "I can't for the life of me see how a man smacking his wife's naked butt isn't erotic!" Quite so.

Louise wrote:

My curiosity was piqued by your mention of the Loving DD site, so I checked it out and found myself getting very turned on as I read (somewhat unwisely, since my husband won't be home till tomorrow morning). The trouble with that site though is their insistence that DD isn't erotic, that a punishment spanking is an unpleasant experience etc, I found myself muttering "Oh, come off it!" as I read. I can't grasp the non-erotic DD thing at all.

But actually, you yourself get “very turned on” as you read it, so you do get it, in a sense. You would not get so turned on by the idea of so-called ‘erotic’ spanking, would you? So their insistence that it is not erotic is functional. The whole thing would probably feel too unreal and game-like to them if they opened their eyes to the eroticism in the dynamic. And it is probably true that their punishment spanking is not erotic at the time, otherwise it would not have the necessary thoroughness for the authority of the man to feel real. So I can understand why some prefer to think that there is nothing erotic about it. I agree, it sounds a bit deluded, but I do think that these denials are functional in psychological terms.

This comment made me laugh! It is quite amusing to see someone saying negative things about Louise's (lovely, in my view) husband, just like Louise and others make very negative (and equally misguided in my view) judgements about some of the men writing articles on Taken In Hand.

SA, I don't know Louise and her husband in person, but from all that she has said, I think you are completely misinterpreting his comments. To me, he sounds a lot of fun. I could be mistaken, but I think Louise loves this kind of banter. Her husband clearly wants her to be happy, and my guess is that making such comments is part of that rather than in opposition to that.

Perhaps you yourself would find it disrespectful, but others do not. Similarly, Louise absolutely hates some things that some of the men on Taken In Hand say, whereas I absolutely love some of the very things she hates. We each have different preferences.

the boss wrote:

You would not get so turned on by the idea of so-called ‘erotic’ spanking, would you? So their insistence that it is not erotic is functional. The whole thing would probably feel too unreal and game-like to them if they opened their eyes to the eroticism in the dynamic. And it is probably true that their punishment spanking is not erotic at the time,otherwise it would not have the necessary thoroughness for the authority of the man to feel real.

It may seem to some that it is a contradiction that a spanking can be at the time of its delivery non-erotic, but afterwards have an erotic affect on the couple. However, in our experience, it is not a contradiction. There are times when I spank my wife with the intent of expressing my dissatisfaction with either her behavior or attitude.

The tone is serious and she will sometimes be tearful and appropriately contrite. Yet sometime later that day or evening we will happily find ourselves engaged in "make-up" sex. The sex is especially hot because we both find it erotic that I have the authority to take her in hand and that she submits to my authority. The fact that my authority to sanction her behavior is real empowers the whole dynamic of our interactions as husband and wife. Just because we happily end up in bed later that day does not undermine the disciplinary nature of the spanking that took place earlier. The discipline was real. Her tears and contrition were real. As Louise acknowledged when confronted by her angry husband:

Oh god, this is real isn't it? He's really angry with me; he's really going to punish me this time!

And then later reported:

After he spanked me I felt, calm, secure, and suitably contrite, but the spanking on its own could not have done those things to me. He remained in charge of the situation, that was what mattered.

IMO this is the reality of a taken in hand relationship. It is real because her husband used his real authority to sanction her misbehavior. It is real because she experienced the odd mixture of feelings that a woman experiences when placed over the knee of a genuinely angry husband who is about to spank her for her misbehavior. My wife feels the same apprehension before and the calm, secure, and contrite feelings afterwards, which in turn causes her to feel especially amorous later on. Nothing contradictory here; somehow it all makes sense, and deliciously so, when we end up in bed taking care of other equally important matters. Perhaps, after all was said and done, Louise and her husband experienced a seemingly similar contradiction themselves.

I was thinking over how I felt last week when this happened, and what made me feel contrite was what my husband said to me while he was walloping me with the steel ruler "I was worried about you" he said. Ouch. That hurt worse than the ruler (which was agonising), worse than the 500 whacks I got later that night. What made me feel contrite was realising that all the time I was strolling round Hampton Court he was sitting at home worrying about me. That really smarted.

Yes, that was more or less my own reaction when he told me "Tonight you're going to get 500, and you've got six hours to think about that" "Will you be able to do 500?" I asked, appalled but also intrigued, because he's been known to complain that his arm aches after doing less than half that number (100-200 being the average length). "I'll take a flask of tea with me to keep me going" he replied, ever-resourceful.

No, they weren't with the steel ruler, he can be ruthless, but not that ruthless. Actually, to be strictly accurate it was 515, 250 with the leather paddle, 250 with the wooden paddle, plus the obligatory 10 extra-hard to finish off with. When he'd done the first 5 of the last bit he said I was wriggling too much so he went back to the beginning and started again "If you were really obedient you'd keep still when I told you to" he remarked. "That's easy for you to say, you're not on th receiving end" I replied. He managed to get through it without the tea though, which I thought was pretty impressive.

My husband usually spanks me before we go to bed, this being the only time of day when we can do it without the risk of being interrupted by small children. Therefore I usually tend to be lying on my bottom rather than sitting on it. I do have to lie on it though, he won't let me move off it until he says so. It's uncomortable lying on a burning bottom certainly, but not an altogether disagreeable sensation. Sometimes if he's feeling lenient he tells me to roll over and rubs some massage oil into it. He has occasionaly suggested trying to fry an egg on it, but he's never actually done this.

The thing is that, for me, the more like 'real' punishment it is, the more erotic it is. The two things are inextricably entwined. 'Erotic' spanking isn't erotic for me, whereas 'punishment' spanking is. It doesn't matter how much it hurts, it never makes me cry. My husband could always make me cry quite easily by shouting at me, or by being viciously sarcastic (he's been quite good at doing both in the past), but spanking never has this effect on me. When he shouted at me he always made me feel he hated me, and I hated him, but being spanked makes me feel loved, and therefore happy.

In the particular cases of this incident and one previous time when he was really angry, the fact that he managed to keep his temper in spite of being seriously angry gave the whole thing an extra emotional intensity that made it even more exciting than usual. On the earlier occasion, he gave me about 50 extra-hard whacks with the wooden paddle, without any preliminary warm-up, which was extremely painful, and at one point I did think I might be going to cry, but it passed.

In the case of the 500, the first 250 with the leather paddle, were not too hard to cope with, the leather paddle stings a lot but it is nothing like as agonising as the wooden paddle, and never makes me feel that I really can't take any more. It only takes about 10 whacks with the wooden paddle to make me feel I can't take any more, but nevertheless, somehow, I do. If I'd been told I was going to get 500 whacks, and then didn't, I'd feel let down.

Of course, I have no way of knowing how hard other women are spanked i comparison with how hard I am. Certainly, if my husband had done all 500 with the vigour with which he gave me the last 15, I would have felt considerably more pain, but I doubt he could have kept up that level of energy for 500.

Afterwards, I felt very relaxed and peaceful and happy, like I always do after being spanked. Certainly more loving. I also felt contrite, but as I've mentioned earlier, being spanked didn't make me feel contrite, it was the knowledge that I'd done something that really upset him, it was the words "I was worried about you" that drew forth the contrition that no amount of spanking could have.

I mentioned to my husband your comment about how your husband sometimes spanks you when something has annoyed him that has nothing to do with you, and he looked quite interested.

"You mean" he said "I could spank you just because someone at work's been giving me grief, or because I've been stuck behind some idiot driver on the way home?" "Yes" I said "I think that's how it works" I don't know whether he will put this into practice or not, but it seems to have given him food for thought.

I don't know why spanking doesn't make me cry, it just doesn't. It just doesn't have a very dramatic emotional effect on me. It doesn't relieve feelings of guilt, I mean if I've done something that I actually do feel guilty about (which isn't very often, but occasionaly happens)it doesn't take the guilt away. The guilt fades over time, but spanking doesn't get rid of it. The only thing that spanking relieves me of is my desire to be spanked. I cry quite easily from emotional reasons, but that generally tends to make me feel worse rather than better.

I don't know why the physical pain of spanking doesn't make me cry. Since we started having a Taken In Hand relationship the severity of the spankings I get has increased massively, but it makes no difference, I still don't cry, a few times I have felt close to it, but it just passes. I make a lot more noise than I used to, I whimper and wail and occasionally plead for clemency, but I don't cry. The few occasions when my husband has been genuinely angry about something, and when I have felt that he really was taking his annoyance out on my bottom(as with the Hampton Court incident) have been the times I've come closest to tears, but they never come.

Physical pain has to be really savage to make me cry, the last time I cried from pain was over eight years ago, when my dentist had to drill through a tooth to get to an abcess. He must have injected about a pint of local anaesthetic into me before he started, but it was still unbelieveably agonising, he said the nerves were too inflamed. It took him ages to do and he was white as a sheet by the time he'd finished, I think inflicting that amount of pain on me was as upsetting for him as it was for me. the tears I cried were the result of really horrible pain, I can't imagine spanking ever being that bad.

"It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men" - Mae West.

I really wish I could cry when I am spanked, but it just dosn't happen. I have been near a couple of times.

Oh my Gosh. I love reading your stories because they always make me laugh. Primarily, because your relationship with your husband seems to be diabolically opposite of mine with my husband. Just about everything you say about your husband pre-Taken In Hand sounds like me. I used to say thing to my husband that would relieve my stress, but leave him sad for days. Though I have never counted, I am sure we are nowhere near 500 or 750 spankings. Just the thought of a steal ruler makes my skin crawl. Not in a good way either. I could go on and on with this comparisons, but my point is...I find it very interesting that the male-controlled relationship idea has worked well in both of our cases.