Blanket consent
The spanking scenes in romance books have always fascinated me. They were the images of a strong heroic figure who fell in love with the girl of his choice and then spanked her when she was being a pain. It coincided with my feelings of having a strong male figure to up-end me when I was being the same kind of pain in the butt. Erotic spanking, until that time, had not occurred to me.
When I discovered the spanking world on the Internet, I spent hours reading everything I could find. I then started introducing my husband to the fun, erotic, playful spanking and we found we loved it and it revitalized our intimate relationship in a wonderful way.
After four or five months, and a lot of reading, I approached the subject of discipline spanking with him. He admitted he had never thought of spanking his wife, even though he had spanked me at one point in time when we were first married. He is a pretty alpha personality; always swatting and playing dominant male and I figured he would take to it very well. He didn't.
Coupled with his reluctance, and the fact that we both came from a heavy Christian background, we had a lot of concepts to get past. I read him articles on implements, how to position, showed him the forum, the whole nine yards. We worked at it, tried setting up rules, tried keeping mistake logs, tried maintenance spanking, etc.
It seemed to be too much trouble to keep up with all the ins and outs that seemed to be expected of him. Especially when he was feeling down himself. So we were kind of off and on, with me being disappointed at his inconsistency all the time, and I felt he was just playing a game that he would get tired of. Or that he really felt it was all a kink that he hoped I would grow out of if he humored me for a while. I wrestled with all the I don't want him to think I'm perverted questions in trying to make this work, so in the beginning we didn't communicate as well as we could have.
At the same time, I was trying to understand my needs, why I was so fascinated with it, why I wanted it so much. And how to convey that to him, when I didn't know myself. I kept having the image of the fantasy figure that would “just do it” in spite of my protests and engaged in many discussions of these sorts on the forums. Discussing whether or not I was submissive enough, whether I really wanted him to be the head of the household, what to do if he changed his mind and decided he wanted it and then I didn't, etc.
After 18 months, we have finally boiled all the concerns, discussions, feelings, misunderstandings, etc., down to one thing: blanket consent.
He now has blanket consent from me to spank as he sees fit, if and when he thinks its necessary, regardless of whether there is a rule in place or not. This is my choice – a concept that he has long struggled with – the taking away of my choice, forcing me to do something I might not want to do by enforcing a rule he might think was important.
I know now what his expectations are, and he has progressed to the point where I don't really look forward to getting over his lap very much for a reminder. Actual discipline spankings are not that prevalent, but I get quite a few reminders or pulled-up-short-for-something style punishments that are usually short, but painful – LOL! Meant to be warnings not to go there again or to push this limit or I run the risk of a real butt burner.
I may get to bed late for three nights, and then suddenly I am in trouble. It's his choice now. I don't have any expectations any more. He is not bound by a set of rules per se. I know what he wants from me and I run the risk of being in trouble if I choose to ignore those expectations.
He has been very conventional, in spite what I had thought in the beginning. But the thing that keeps drawing him back into it when we have hiccups, is the emotional closeness that we lose when we stop, or fade off. I have given him the opportunity to opt out of it many times, as recently as a few months ago. But each time we do, the emotional closeness we enjoy goes away. I have struggled with the concept that it's just not who he is for a long time now and felt I didn't want to force him to do anything he wasn't comfortable with.
There have been many discussions on whether a man uninterested in control is truly a that, or if they are just men waiting for their true dominant nature to come out. Some men are just naturally dominant; they are that way all the time, and it's just who they are. Other men seem to be able to become dominant with lots of encouragement and help from their woman, but it's not really who they are inside, or so it seems. We have talked about this and I told him I didn't want him to pretend to be something he didn't feel.
After much discussion, one thing has become certain. He loves the way I am when he is spanking me whether for fun or for discipline. The act of disciplining me is not the erotic part for him when he punishes. It's the submissiveness I feel for him afterwards that really makes him bond with me emotionally. And for me too. When he fills my needs by living this way, my desire to please him increases intensely. I feel it inside; it's not a pretense. He draws out my submissive nature when I am over his knee and then being cuddled and comforted afterwards. I truly feel a stronger desire to please him in every way and he loves that. He does not want to lose that. That is what makes him keep trying again, even though he doesn't enjoy hurting me, and would really rather not do discipline at all. But he has realized that he can't have it both ways. It's just not there when we are not living it, not in the degree that it is when we are.
So that is where we are with the blanket consent concept. I hope this may be of some help to anyone reading it and that they will realize that it's only my experiences, not facts. Some may not relate at all, others may feel similarities.
The bottom line is, this works for us because we have worked diligently at it and kept coming back to try again and to talk and communicate until we can work out our feelings about it. We then try to implement it in the best way for both of us to benefit from it. No two couples will be exactly alike. And there's no magic formula that you can follow and have guaranteed success. You just have to talk, listen, and talk some more until you understand each other, and then work hard to please each other.
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Comments
#1 It Works
Excellant Article
My Wife and I tried several methods of setting quide lines for when and how she would be punished. Like you, we found that it didn't work. Either she didn't agree that what she had done deserved a spanking or I didn't want to use that extreme measure even when she felt it was required.
One night, several years ago, we sat down and discussed it. She told me that she trusted me totally and would trust my judgement as to when and how she was punished. If I thought a lecture was enough, or if the "chair" was needed she would not question. She even told me that she understood that there might be times when I needed to release my frustration's and tension, and that she would understand if I took it out on her butt. Suprisingly, the actual freqency of "punishment" sessions has probably decreased, and the erotic spankings have increased.
#2 Interesting Post by Mikedandy
That is a very interesting post. Maybe the amount of erotic discipline has increased because how you are doing it now is simply more erotic? i.e. she's trusting you to make the decisions more, and it's less regimented by rules, so the dynamic is more free to grow and change in accord with your needs as a couple. You've made it all more natural and that's likely having a good effect on your relationship. Comments?
#3 Relationship not just Rules -
Relationship not just Rules - people that stress out over rules may be missing the point. Life is too complicated as it is.
Also, when a woman does NOT give blanket consent, who is really leading? Isn't SHE leading, telling her man what will and will not happen, what he can and cannot work on?
If she joined the army, she would be giving blanket concent to certain things. When she married, she gave blanket consent to some things. Why would this be any different?
#4 Blanket Consent
This works for some people, and not for others. It would not be beneficial to me to be spanked when I was resisting it, for instance, because in the past when my husband has tried this it has merely made me angry, not submissive. I need to be brought to a submissive state of mind before I am spanked in order for it to work for me. I need to be calmed, down, and my husband has proved to be very good at doing this, without laying a finger on me
As for your belief that if a woman does not give 'blanket consent' then she is really leading, I think that's rubbish. Being Taken In Hand isn't supposed to mean that a woman becomes a man's chattle, with no right to have her own feelings and wishes consulted. If blanket consent doesn't work for a particular person (and it doesn't work for me), that doesn't mean (as far as I am concerned) that my husband isn't leading.
Being married may be like being in the army for you, but it isn't for me. It says something for how you conduct your marriage if this is so. It reminds me of that bit in 'Porridge' where Fletcher is taking the mickey out of Mr Mackay about his military past, "Do everything by numbers in your marriage, do you? - I am about to make passionate love to you - stand by your bed. One, two, three, knickers down-"
Being married does not give me husband blanket consent to do whatever he likes to me, being Taken In Hand does not mean he can treat me as if my feelings do not matter. In fact, since being Taken In Hand he treats me as if what I want matters more to him than it used to. It has made him more considerate of me, rather than less. I feel less as if I was in the army, rather than more.
#5 blanket consent does not mean inconsiderate
Louise,
The above comment about blanket consent really struck me. My husband does have blanket consent, but that does not mean that he treats me as chattel, or is not considerate of me. If he were to consistently treat me like my feelings, wants and desires were not important to him then why the heck would I want to follow him, why on earth would I want to be married to him at all? Since I have given my husband blanket consent he has been more considerate of my feelings, wants and desires. Because he has blanket consent he feels responsible to be considerate of me even more than he was before, and before he started taking me in hand he was very, very considerate of me. I guess for some people having blanket consent makes them think of their partners more not less. I doubt very much that I would trust a man with blanket consent over me if I thought he was going to then treat me as less than human. Some men take that responsibility very seriously. I know that my happiness is a big concern to my husband; I can trust him with blanket consent because I know this is true.
Take care,
Tevemer
#6 Blanket consent
I did say in my comment that blanket consent worked for some people, just that it wouldn't for me. The person who psted the comment above mine appeared to feel that if you didn't have blanket consent, that meant you weren't really Taken In Hand.
If that were true, then, since we don't have blanket consent, that would mean I'm not Taken In Hand, but it isn't true.
#7 blanket consent
Louise,
What really struck me about your comment was not the part about everyone not wanting to give their husbands blanket consent. I understand that this is true of many people who still consider themselves taken in hand. What gave me the double take was the part I quoted, in my above post. It implied that husbands who had blanket consent would then somehow turn into jerks who did what ever they wanted, even if it made their women feel terrible. I was only pointing out that this is simply not the case in my relationship.
Blanket consent has had the opposite effect on my husband. Since I have given him blanket consent he is MORE concerned with my happiness than ever before. I doubt that most women would give blanket consent to a man who would use that in a way that it hurt them. It is supposed to be a tool that helps people in their relationships, not just to help the man get what he wants at the expense of his woman.
I agree that blanket consent is not for everyone. If it is not for you I understand how you can still be taken in hand. If you gave your husband blanket consent that is not the same as giving him free reign to treat you in a way that hurts you. As far as I am concerned men who use blanket consent selfishly, at the expense of their SO's do not deserve to have it.
Take care,
Tevemer
#8 Tevemer
I agree, Tevemer. My husband has blanket consent and uses his 'power' very wisely. If he were to abuse the consent, I would take it away and leave him and he knows it.
M-