BDSM . . . kink with some psychological payoff

BDSM is kink with some psychological payoff. I think that BDSM is a process by which the partners are able to feed their basic human needs for value, love, acceptance, security, and adequacy (a sense of being capable). I experimented with BDSM scenes four times before finding Taken In Hand. The psychological aspects of BDSM were the allure and the reward.

When putting my physical safety into the hands of a dominant man, I was trusting that he would play out the scene in a way that kept me safe. By emerging from the scene in safety, I felt a surge in my own sense of security. I had experienced a new and risky situation safely. That reinforced my belief that I can be safe in the world in a variety of situations. BDSM play can involve pain; some of mine did. The ability to work through the rigors of pain and play my part in the scene reinforced to me that I am a capable woman.

When the scenes ended, I had experienced the acceptance of myself as a partner in play. I felt accepted as a woman because the dominant man had seen my body and it was desirable to him for our encounter. Similar to a date, there is something very affirming about being selected as a play partner. Before and during the scene, I felt special and important.

In the context of a BDSM encounter, which is different from kink within an ongoing relationship, the dominant person normally is not in love with the submissive one. Still, there is a sense of being loved because the dominant person gives attention, care and safety. It is not the same as being loved but the feeling of love is present.

BDSM did not bring me soul satisfaction even though there were some psychological benefits from playing. For me, there were emotional, mental and physical investments in the scenes. However, I did not realize any long-term return on my investments.

I chose to move beyond BDSM because negotiating a scene does not involve the deeper aspect of a “meeting of minds” in an ongoing relationship. Intimacy is not a requirement for BDSM. BDSM did not address my need for connection or for being understood. BDSM was a sugar high. I believe that a Taken In Hand relationship will be nutrition for my soul.

Untamedcherub

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
When rape is a gift
Could this kind of relationship be for you?
Self-realization – the catapult
Where are all the strong men?
Ever-deepening total love
Liberated through submission
Who needs forbidden fruit when you have this?!
He who dares, wins
Is this really consensual?
Who says you have to be submissive?

2005 Apr 22 - 17:59 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Stepping-stone

This explanation offers as much insight as anything that I have read on BDSM as a stepping-stone to Taken In Hand relationships.

by Noone on 2005 Apr 23 - 13:40 | reply to this comment

I agree

I agree with this article. I tried BDSM too but not the same way. I had a relationship with BDSM sex. Like untamed cherub and Krosrogue it wasn't for me. Outside of the bedroom we were on the same equal footing so it didn't work for me like Taken In Hand does, it was ok but Taken In Hand is more sexy.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Apr 25 - 08:24 | reply to this comment

In denial

I've read the BDSM threads and I reckon you're all in denial. It's like you don't want to acknowledge that you're kinky, you want to pretend like you're straight but in reality Taken In Hand is BDSM and that's plain as day.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Apr 26 - 08:50 | reply to this comment

In denial?

I couldn't agree with you more - here's to kinky!

by Louise C on 2005 Apr 26 - 10:04 | reply to this comment

Kinky

I think many of us have sought sites such as this because we know we're different, we realize we're kinky, we understand it's anything but mainstream to want the type of power exchange we're discussing here. My background includes a number of years of BDSM experience. This isn't the same. Doesn't mean there's a single thing wrong with BDSM, doesn't mean that I have suddenly stopped liking many of the edgy, deliciously wicked elements that attracted me to BDSM in the first place. It simply means that it wasn't the perfect fit. Domestic discipline also fits me imperfectly. The Taken In Hand approach is as flexible and varied as any other form of relationship. Sometimes, I wonder if the intense hostility regarding strictly Taken In Hand relationships stems more from a desire to avoid monogamous, long term, marriage type of unions, rather than from a desire to explain perceived differences.

ABWife

by Ameribritwife on 2005 Apr 26 - 14:28 | reply to this comment

Re: In denial

And I reckon you're right! It seems sometimes as if the closer small factions of minority groups are to each other, the harder they struggle to assert that they are different from each other, even if it means heaping scorn on a lifestyle that is actually a kissing cousin to their own.

So the BDSM'ers look down on the spankos as lightweights, the D/s'ers look down on BDSM sceners because they are more "real" being 24/7, the DD folks pass themselves off as ordinary married people while caning their wives black and blue, and the Taken In Hand folks who do a combination of all of this insist vociferously that they are not BDSM, spanko, D/s or DD.

Yeah, it sounds a lot like the squabbles between little splinter groups on the far left to me (the Trotskyites vs. the Communists vs. the Independent Socialists vs. etc. etc., ad nauseum). Face it, if being in a male led relationship where he holds the power and there is a definite imbalance makes you tingle, you aren't an average housewife. You're kinky and you are on the continuum that is BDSM. And so what?

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Apr 26 - 18:17 | reply to this comment

Kinky Anathema

From what I've seen, quite a number of folk prefer to avoid long-term monogamous attachments. Marriage seems to be drifting out of favor and away from the mainstream and is itself regarded by some as being a "kink".

KrosRogue

by KrosRogue on 2005 Apr 27 - 07:33 | reply to this comment

Resentfulness of Long-Term Monogamous Relationships

Ameribritwife accurately described the resentfulness of long-term monogamous relationships. Moreover, in a culture smothered with politically correct propaganda, Taken in Hand relationships are relegated to either the sexual bin - including *kinky* - or else they are assumed to be abusive.

The bipolar divisive labeling is but the new demonization of tradition perpetuated by the self-absorbed who herald their own quirky philosophy of transient *free love* as *establishment*. As KrosRogue points out, marriage itself is considered to be a *kink* by some folks!

by Noone on 2005 Apr 27 - 11:38 | reply to this comment

Hostility to Long Term Monogamy?

I don't think so. I've been married 17 1/2 years, not in a Taken In Hand relationship and never intend to be. We don't seem to be in need of a power hierarchy around here. Marriage can work just fine without that, thanks muchly.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Apr 28 - 01:15 | reply to this comment

Not in a Taken in Hand relationship

Marriage can work just fine without it!

Yes, it can. But for a lot of us it works better with it.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Apr 28 - 13:45 | reply to this comment

Options Are Not Mutually Exclusive

Thank you for the feedback. All of it has been thought provoking. Briefly, I want to add a clarification. It was not my intent to indicate that any relationships along the spectrum from dating to marriage are mutually exclusive to each other. Most relationships try to create a mixture of the best of the partners' experiences while leaving the rest behind. Marriages can be as kinky as the partners want it to be. At the same time, these relationships each have distinctive features. Some of which are incompatible with others. For example, multiple partners when dating is not compatible with a monogamous marriage. However, the romance of dating can be a very desirable characteristic in a marriage. This piece was a discussion of why I chose to move to another place on the spectrum. If I marry again, I hope to bring the best of what I experienced in BDSM to my marriage bed if my husband and I agree to incorporate those experiences.

by untamedcherub on 2005 Apr 29 - 17:21 | reply to this comment

Definitions, scenes and lifestyles

Greetings to all,

The seemingly endless debates of definition between BDSM and Taken In Hand seems bizarre to me. Classification, imo, is far less important than context. Or to paraphrase, how you walk, is much more telling than how you talk.

In my experience, it boils down neatly into two major groupings: those who scene, and those who lifestyle. Neither group is better or worse, neither has more legitimacy, and neither are mutually exclusive (iow you can do both lifestyle and scenes).

The major difference between the two approaches have to do, imo, with pre-planning. Scenes are almost always pre-planned, where lifestyles are much more ad-hoc (although they can still be tightly structured).

I have lived a D/s lifestyle for the better part of 30 years, with more than an occasional scene along the way. While no expert, I feel that the years have taught me something. And perhaps the most important thing I have learned is, that if you intend to be successful in either scenes or lifestyles, you need to be balanced, secure, and with a fair degree of self-confidence and self-esteem.

Power can be a dangerous tool when improperly wielded. To my way of thinking, it doesn't really matter where you learned, as long as you can handle yourself in a responsible mature manner.

I leave the splitting of the hairs of definitions to those who seem to enjoy the process.

Be seeing you,

Mackenzie [Road Warrior]/Taken In Hand

www.mackenziecross.ca

by mackenzie on 2005 May 3 - 19:07 | reply to this comment

In my experience, [BDSM] boil

In my experience, [BDSM] boils down neatly into two major groupings: those who scene, and those who lifestyle.

I quite agree and BDSM is a very large umbrella title which, so far as I can see, includes Taken In Hand as a part of the lifestyle side. What is important is not really what label we attach to our relationships: though such can help to communicate with others, what is truly important is that we live happy, satisfied lives in harmonious relationships.

by Interesdom on 2005 May 10 - 00:46 | reply to this comment

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