Do the right thing - be the captain of your ship
This is for my fellow males who cherish their wives, girlfriends, or significant others. For decades I struggled with the thought of being part of a very limited and kinky minority; but with the advent of the internet and wonderful forums such as this, I was amazed at the number of individuals with similar interests and relieved that I was in fact normal. But I still wondered whether a loving female partner would want to be taken in hand. Well, I spent years reading posts here and elsewhere, married my soulmate, and what I learned from all of these sources was indeed surprising. More women than I ever dreamed desire, strong, loving, protective, and dominant males.
This may come as a surprise to the ladies that read this, but men want to please their loved ones, but they have very fragile egos. Most women, particularly as they enter middle age desire a feeling of protection and security from their chosen man; and if he truly loves her he becomes anxious to satisfy her desires.
The problem is, in an age of independent women and feminism, confusion rules in determining what he needs to do. He wants to do the right thing and fears doing the wrong (remember the desire to please, fragile ego, and confusion), so, in an attempt to do the right thing, he does nothing.
Boom! He has just done the wrong thing and stepped on a land mine. Everything has backfired. She is upset and depressed; he is clueless as to what happened. So, with dazed confusion and shattered ego he performs the typical male maneuver for domestic distress. He retreats into silence and things get worse.
Men and women think and react differently. She wants strength but he shows only weakness. She wants protection but is left with insecurity. She wants him to take her in hand! Here are some principles I have learned.
Be the captain of your ship! Make a decision and take action. Lead firmly, but gently. Do not ask anything from her that you would not first do yourself. If sacrifice or hardship is required you will be the first to answer the call to duty.
You will love and protect her even if it means protecting her from herself. She has chosen you to be her champion and hero. She trusts and believes in you. Her needs always come first.
Do not worry about making a mistake. If you feel she needs a spanking then put her over your knee and warm her bottom appropriately. She wants to feel secure in your strength. An incorrect action will be forgotten, inaction will be remembered.
Do not worry about hurting her. If you truly love her and posses reasonable judgment, you will what is appropriate. Take time to learn what is correct; mistakes will be made, but it is better to err with action than inaction.
Do not retreat into silence or ignore her. A spanking may cause some discomfort to her bottom, but being ignored will break her heart. No spanking can compare to the pain she will feel then.
Do not be a bully or micromanage. She is your partner; you joined because you had confidence and trusted her. Talk together, encourage her dreams, and listen to what she has to say.
A Taken In Hand relationship is like any other; it is an evolutionary process. Don't expect a perfect fit overnight. It takes time, patience, and consistency. Mistakes will be made, but so will adjustments. If you love her enough to risk your ego and persevere, the rewards will be tremendous.
Have you seen the following articles?
The erotic power of the unshackled man
What Taken In Hand is, and what it is not
Some possible benefits of taking your wife in hand
Have you found a proper balance?
Self-realization – the catapult
Taken In Hand by an ardent feminist
Who says you have to be submissive?
Who needs forbidden fruit when you have this?!
Real life leadership or rules and rigidity?
Could this kind of relationship be for you?
Comments
#1 A limited minority
Frankly, I think people in Taken In Hand relationships are part of a limited and kinky minority, but this doesn't worry me in the slightest, since I've never been very interested in being part of a majority anyway. Why this yearning to be normal?
#2 Touching a chord...
I know this was written for the chaps - but from a woman's perspective - well mine anyway, can't speak for everyone -
this touched a chord - especially the bit about protecting her - and being ignored breaking her heart - and encouraging her dreams - Oooooh....All of it - the entire article, actually.
And the bit about men having fragile egos because of the age of the independent woman and feminism - I never realised this before - but it's something to think about.
Thank you Rick.
Lois Lane.
#3 How Intuitive!
Rick, I'm sure your wife feels blessed indeed to have a man like you at her side. It sounds as though you're really paying attention; hearing, understanding, and following through with the actions you know will enhance your relationship with her. Your comments indicate you must have a well developed sense of self which allows you to move beyond the insecurities of our times and step into the strength and power of an effective leader. Thanks you for sharing your insights. I've referred my own husband to your comments.
Ameribritwife
#4 Wow! so incisive
What a great post Rick.
I'm new to this site, but have read some of these posts with great interest.
My husband is a kind, gentle, passive man (early 50's) who wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm a strong, stubborn woman in my early 40's who wants to be controlled.
I have explained this to my man many times, without much success. If he does spank me, it's in fun, and normally is done playfully. He makes such a song and dance of trying to get me over his knee, or over the bed, that it loses all momentum and meaning then he gives up.
I find myself deliberatley winding him up, JUST to get a reaction so he will spank me, but he just smiles and passes it off or says laughingly "do you want a smack"? to which I say "yes". Then he carries on with his business. He doesnt mean it, it's just something he says.
I have discussed my "need" for him to be strong, not let me get away with things, but he just says "yes, but I forget".
What can I do? How can I get my needs met by my husband, who doesn't realy seem to want to discipline or control me?
I know that if he did "take me in hand" on a regular basis, I would have much more respect for him, and would certainly turn to him more than I do now.
Sometimes, I'm so frustrated, all I want him to do is seriously take me in hand until both of us feel better. Then shower me with love afterwards (which he would anyway). He's just too soft!
Is that too much to ask for?
Shona!
#5 Keep asking till he gets it!
I think this is so hard for men because they don't want to hurt their woman emotionally or physically. Imagine if YOU were in a relationship where someone wanted YOU to take them in hand. YOU were supposed to be tough. YOU were supposed to have high standards for that person. YOU were in charge of spanking them, lecturing them, or giving other consequences when they didn't live up to your standards. I think this would be a very hard transition. I can't even imagine acting like that towards an adult. I understand how difficult this must be for my husband. He had to relearn a set of values that had always been taught to him and put on a new set of values that told him to be a firm authority for me. A woman has to be patient when her man is trying on his new role. It might take him a long time to feel comfortable in it.
I understand exactly what you feel though because a few years ago I felt exactly like you feel. I was frustrated because my husband was so easy going. He rarely bossed me and certainly never took me in hand. Once I started verbalizing what I wanted it still took him a while to "get" it. We still talk a lot about ways to improve our relationship. I tell him frequently how I would like him to be firmer with me and use a stronger hand. He is still surprised I think. He'll ask me if it bothers me when he tells me what to do. I tell him no I love it. He likes it too now that he is used to being in charge.
I wish you luck Shona. I think in time your husband will get it too. Don’t give up. Continue to tell him again and again and again what it is you want. As long as he is willing to listen and doesn’t feel like you are forcing him keep telling him. It took my husband years to realize that I wanted erotic spankings to hurt. He thought it was like a role play. I was too embarrassed to tell him I really wanted it to hurt or what was the point. I hated play spankings where he gave these soft little pats! That did not turn me on at all. Finally I got brave and told him what I really wanted and there it all began. We started off with erotic spankings and gradually moved to a real taken in hand relationship. Now here we are with a true taken in hand relationship after all these years.
#6 Being bossed
In my own marriage things have worked out rather differently, since my husband is actually less bossy since we started having a Taken In Hand relationship. His attempts to boss me in the past were unsuccesful since I always felt as if I was being bullied. Now I try to do things I know he wants done without being told, so he doesn't have to nag at me like he used to. Fortunately he doesn't, on the whole, have particularly high standards so I don't have too much of a strain living up to the standards that he does have.
I think it is possible though that, just as there are a lot of women who don't want to be Taken In Hand, so there are a lot of men who simply don't want to do it. Shona's husband may simply not want to be an authority figure, may possibly even find the idea repellent. Some people just aren't cut out for that sort of thing.
#7 I'll keep asking and see what happens...
I fully understand you, Forty something wife. As you rightly say, if it were the other way around I'd be falling about laughing, but I would try to comply especially if he kept mentioning over the years. I certainly wouldn't "forget".
My husband has full control over a lot of things in our household and has no problem telling me what to do, although nothing heavy, just everyday things.
I know the capacity is there within him as when he has once or twice really taken me in hand, he enjoyed it. But that has only been twice in the past few years.
I find it erotic and beneficial to my relationship with him because I know how challenging I can be, and it would help improve intimate relations between us.
Well, I'll keep trying with the trying and hopefully I will get through to him in the end.
Shona!
#8 We Need His Attention!
"Do not retreat into silence or ignore her. A spanking may cause some discomfort to her bottom, but being ignored will break her heart. No spanking can compare to the pain she will feel then."
The first sentence of this comment is CRITICAL to making a marriage work - Taken In Hand or not. My ex dealt with me by ignoring me when I was upset. It was painful. It did break my heart and was definitely a contributing factor in us breaking up. Perhaps something men should know--- if you ignore a woman, don't react to her wants, needs or even demands, what this silently says to a woman is that you do not care about her! And while I am not suggesting you give in to all your S/O's whims, requests, etc. (let's face it - we can all be unreasonable at times) - What I am echoeing is that inaction is much more harmful that action!
Today, my present husband does not 'retreat', he does not ignore me. We both have 'alone' time - but it is never at the risk of the other feeling unloved, or ignored.
When my husband hears my needs or notices behaviour changes that are indicitive of my need for more attention, he gives me more attention. Sometimes that is by taking me out on a 'date', other times it might be by taking me over his knee. And in both situations, I know that he is paying attention to me, that he care, that he loves me.
M-
#9 Taken In Hand is NOT "kinky"!
Its funny and I am relativly new to this but I really see this as 'traditional" just as Christianity was "traditional" many moons ago. We broke away from it so hard in the last 30 -40 years with womens movement and the era of technology and women in powerful business positions. We as women were taught as young girls to be strong, dont cry, go to college, wait to have children- and on and on and on. I dont think this is a minority at ALL.. I believe in my heart and soul that many people would love this type of relationship but simply are lost and cannot figure out who they are inside or how to ask for it or be vulnerable enough to seek it.
Maria