Abusive men: Hedda Nussbaum's list of red flags
[This list of red flags seems to be in the public domain so I am posting it here. If it is not, my apologies, and please let me know. - Ed.]
- He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away.
- He hates his mother and is nasty to her.
- He wants your undivided attention.
- He must always be in charge.
- He always has to win.
- He breaks promises all the time.
- He can't take criticism and always justifies his actions.
- He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong.
- He's jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men.
- He always asks you where you went and whom you saw.
- He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable.
- He has a mean temper.
- He often says you don't know what you're talking about.
- He makes you feel like you're not good enough.
- He withdraws his love or approval as punishment.
- He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.
Have you seen the following articles?
Is your relationship abusive?
Are you in an abusive relationship? A quiz
Is he one of the good guys... or not?
Taking her in hand is not a contact sport
Is there consent?
Happy living in fear of a man?!
One person's abuse is another person's happy marriage
Is this really consensual?
What Taken In Hand is, and what it is not
Domestic discipline (DD)
If you think there might be abuse in your relationship, you might like to read these articles too.
Comments
#1 That's the One I Meant
This is the list I referred to and I think it is more useful than the other one, though the other list also raises some issues not on this one. But this list is talking about men who don't make one "mistake," the abusive power grabbing behavior is evident often and even constantly.
"Pat"
#2 Thanks, "Pat"
Thanks for that, "Pat". BTW, are you the Pat who wrote Is he one of the good guys... or not??
#3 Listen to your gut instincts
I met a guy online that made me feel uncomfortable by saying we should meet up before we'd hardly emailed much at all. and when he called. I told him that I'm a woman that likes to take things slow, but his next email looked like he hadn't understood so I told him I meant no sex and no spanking until we know each other better. But he spanked me on our first date and on our second date he made me have sex with him. I never met his mother but he didn't like her. But the thing that made me end it was 5, 7 and 15. Big red flags right there. I should have listened to my instincts more. I told a mate of mine I felt uneasy about meeting the guy so quickly and that it didn't look like he was hearing me but instead of listening to my instincts I met him, and even had more dates with him after that. Another red flag was that he said he doesn't forgive. By the third date it was clear he's mean, selfcentred and vindictive. With hindsight, there were many red flags from the word go, but it took me several dates and plenty of calls, emails and IMs to end it.
#4 Not Me
No, the boss, that was someone else. Remember I was "named" Pat by someone because I kept posting anonymously.
"Pat"
#5 I must say, this test makes s
I must say, this test makes sense.
Autumn
#6 Me, My, Mine
When all the laundry lists are compiled, the truly abusive entity - whether parent, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, neighbor, boss, teacher, government, or divinity - is the one who takes more than they give.
If you had good parents, think about the really bad - and I do mean really bad - teachers you have had in you life. Or, think about that first boyfriend (or girlfriend)! Everything is always about them - their wants, their needs. There were always more demands than there was support.
While no one is perfect, good husbands - like good wives - look beyond themselves.
The writer who advised, "Listen to your gut instincts," gave good advice. Desperation is seldom a good matchmaker. Neither is the search for perfection. (If he was perfect, would he [or she] really want you?)
#7 Re: Listen to Your Gut Instincts
I think it's a very good thing that you saw him for what he is and pulled away pretty fast. Imagine if you had married him.
Unfortunately a good friend of mine met a man who was talking about moving in together within the first two dates. I begged her not to let him move in on her so fast but she capitulated. I don't live close enough to know whether he is physically abusive but he is definitely verbally abusive and cuts her down at every opportunity. She is a smart and capable woman and he talks like she is an idiot.
I wish this checklist had been around when she met him, but even then, I don't know if she would have listened. I am glad to hear you listened to your gut before it was too late.
"Pat"
#8 Why didn't I find this sooner?
All I have to say is “Why the hell didn’t I find this list before getting married!” This sounds like my ex’s resume. Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. Anyway, it is an excellent list of warning signs of abuse, whether physical or mental. Maybe we should be teaching this in High School. It is applicable to male or female and might help in making better decisions on relationships. Thanks to whoever posted this. It is an excellent tool!
Libby
#9 Don't repeat your mistakes
What concerns me about lists like the one in the OP is this. Women who are abused in one relationship tend to be abused in future relationships too. Lists like this put all the focus on the abuser and when an abused woman thinks she won't be abused in future if she checks a man doesn't meet the criteria, she's often sadly mistaken. Women drawn to alpha males tend to get abused over and over, because what they feel a need for is emotional intensity and drama, control and oftentimes confrontation in the guise of connection. Be careful what you wish for -- it may not be healthy. Don't seek an alpha male or you may get abused again and again throughout your life. Seek a GOOD, KIND, LOVING MAN who is willing to take charge if you really want him to. Most men can develop their take-charge tendencies, but alpha males without good values can never learn to be good husbands.
#10 When my ex-husband did #15 -
When my ex-husband did #15 - He withdraws his love or approval as punishment, it was the end of our marriage. I can't think of anything more hurtful and abusive to someone who loves you.
My ex didn't start out abusive, but after a few years and a change in the city where we were living, he was emotionally abusive.
This is a good list!
#11 Hindsight is 20/20
My first husband was an abuser. I just counted 11 of those 15 red flags that applied to him. But I think even if I had seen that list back then (this was the late 1970's), I would not have recognized him in that list. He was an angel until the day we said "I do," and then he changed like night and day. But until we actually got married, only #1 was evident, I believe. (I accepted his "pushiness" willingly, only because I had such low self-esteem, and thought it meant he really loved me.)
I'm glad I had sense enough to get out of it relatively quickly (11 months), but not without it taking a huge toll on me emotionally for many years. He was just beginning to escalate into physical violence.
Still, I think it would be very worth pushing this list in high school somehow. It is an important list, to be sure!
#12 Good list for men, too
I agree with this list and I think it's a good self-assessment list for men, as well. We need to make sure we aren't inadvertently crossing the line into any of the items on the list.
#13 A word of warning
I absolutely agree with this list. There is just one problem with lists like this in general. People read them, agree with them, but do not apply them to themselves and their own relationships. Quite obviously Hedda Nussbaum didn't. Or her story wouldn't have ended the way it did.
People who are in abusive relationships often simply ignore all the red flags. And the abuser never understands what he did wrong.
Ask any convicted abuser in jail if he thinks he was abusive and did wrong when he beat up his wife/girlfriend, the answer will without fail be "no".
Especially with Taken in Hand relationships (which I thoroughly approve of) women must be especially cautious before entering the relationship. It comes with the territory. There is no denying that the philosophy of Taken in Hand can easily be misunderstood. And most often is.
This site shows a very positive view of male dominance, BUT that does not mean that every guy who calls himself a Taken in Hand inclined man is automatically a good guy.
Yes, even on this site where all the men claim to respect women there are comments which would definitively make me think twice about the character of the man.
So girls, don't rush into a Taken in Hand relationship. Make sure you're safe.
Jessica Rabbit