Is it true that a man shouldn't need to get physical?

Some say that a man should not need to get physical to retain control. I have seen that attitude many times, even on this site. The idea is that it all takes place in the mind, so the man should not need to use any physical means of control. If he does so, the argument goes, there is something inherently weak in him, or something childish in the woman.

The physical part of the relationship with my husband takes place in many, many forms. We have spanking, sex – so many forms of physical contact, really. They all mesh together to form our physical relationship. We both think that our relationship is very healthy and we are quite happy with it.

To me, saying the man should not need to get physical to exert his control is like saying that he should not need to touch you to bring you to orgasm. I have heard that orgasms can take place all in the mind, but does that mean that to be a truly great lover you should bring your lover to orgasm each and every time using her mind only? I understand that the mind is important in orgasms; at least it is for me. Sex is not purely a physical act for me. A great deal takes place in my head. I know because if my head is in the wrong space, then orgasm will likely not occur.

It may be possible for my husband to bring me to orgasm without touching me. We have never tried this so I do not know. But I think he is a truly excellent lover because he knows my body so well. He knows how to take control of sex, he knows how to touch me, where, for how long. He has a tremendous amount of insight into my sexual nature. It is very exciting. I want him to touch me; I want to feel sex on more than a mental level. Neither of us are immature lovers because we choose to use physical contact in our love making. Yes he knows what to say too, he knows how to manipulate the situation so that my head is in the right headspace. It is the right combination of mental and physical that makes sex so truly wonderful for us. This explanation most people would quickly understand.

For us his control in our relationship is the exactly the same way. He needs to know the right mix of mental and physical experiences to make his control in our relationship a truly wonderful experience. I think it is just like in sex, some people like their toes touched, some hate it, some like their hair touched, some hate it, and the list is endless. Well when it comes to people who like Taken In Hand relationships there are many forms of physical and mental control that will work or not work for each couple. It is up to them to decide, very likely through trial and error, which forms work best for them. Because when you enjoy the control of a man, when he gets it right it can be as good as an orgasm. It can feel that good for us.

We would never use many of the things that others use. That does not make what we do any more or less mature than what others do. The whole idea that this is childish does not fit us at all. It is all part of our adult sexual nature: that inherently makes it mature for us. When I am over his knee for something serious I do not think that he is treating me like a child. I think that he knows exactly what to do; so that we feel the control, he needs to make his control in our relationship the most it can be. And yes if he asked me to stand in a corner I would. I have never had fantasies about that, but if he decided that is what needed to be done to exert his control then I would do it. It would be sexy and adult then because it would be about our adult sexual relationship.

We very much enjoy my husband's control in our relationship. We have found that with him in the lead, our life in general is so much better. This is not because I am too immature to run the show, but because his actual physical control of the relationship touches us in so many ways on so many levels. I do not need to obey him to get through life in one piece. But I do like it when he insists that I do obey him and is willing to emphasise what he expects using physical control. This hands on approach works for us. I know it is not for everyone, but liking it in your life is not more or less mature. There are many ways for a man to take a woman in hand. It is a truly great leader who can learn and understand what his woman responds to the most. It is just the same with sex: a truly great lover knows what his woman responds to the most and is willing to do it.

Tevemer

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2005 Mar 23 - 07:56 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Spanking isn't an Orgasm

Well, not usually. You can be controlled completely mentally and emotionally, without the need to get physical.

Orgasm generally does require some physical contact, though yes it is possible for it to happen mentally.

It might be what you WANT and that's fine, but it isn't truly NECESSARY nor should it be. Those who are saying it shouldn't be needed are proceeding from a mindset where control and compliance can be gained without having to resort to it. And they don't want to resort to it.

So the argument that because orgasm requires touching, so does control, is completely off track. It works for you and you both want it that way. That's cool. There's no reason to feel slighted by those who feel it shouldn't be that way.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Mar 23 - 17:52 | login or register to post comments

As I said...

Pat,
You said,

"You can be controlled completely mentally and emotionally, without the need to get physical."

I am completely sure you are not speaking for me because you are wrong. This may be true FOR YOU, but it is not true for me. The physical part is as necessary for me to feel his control as touching is to have an orgasm. You are right that spanking is not the same as orgasm, but I would like to add that spanking for me is not equal to control either. For me, my husband’s control is expressed through a combination of physical and mental activities.

I am not saying that everyone should require physical contact to have control. If they do not wish it, then obviously the mix for them would be all mental and no physical. I surely do not feel in the least bit slighted by that. What works for them is fine for them. I am glad that they have found a way to fill their own needs. I have found my own way. You say, and you have said before to me specifically, that the physical part of my relationship is not what I need, only what I want. What I would like to know is how on earth you could presume to know this about me? How would you know what I need to feel satisfied in my private relationship with my husband? I know that I am the expert between us when I am discussing my own private relationship. You may be an expert on many things, but my relationship and my needs are not one of them.

The point of my post was that needing a mix of physical and mental activities was not anymore mature or any less mature than needing only mental. Neither is right or wrong and nowhere did I suggest that. I simply said that FOR ME, to fully experience my husband's control I needed a mix of physical and mental, just the same as during sex to reach an orgasm. My arguement is not completey off track; I know this is true for me, because I am the one thinking and writing it.

Take care,
Tevemer

by Tevemer on 2005 Mar 23 - 20:31 | login or register to post comments

Needs vs. Wants

Dear Tev,

It's easy for me to say that it isn't what you "need" because our needs as human beings, without which we won't survive, are food, clothing and shelter, and love. (Babies who do not receive love do not make it).

Beyond that to say we need a particular thing or part of a relationship isn't true. It is what we want, and we may want it so strongly that it feels like a need, but it isn't.

That doesn't mean you have to give it up, but it just draws a line. We need food: we want to eat out in a fancy restaurant. We need clothes: we want to wear the latest designer creations. We need shelter: we want a gorgeous house with all the modern amenities.

It's what you want, and it's fine to want it.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Mar 23 - 21:57 | login or register to post comments

Re: Needs vs. Wants

I disagree with you Pat. Tevemer needs that kind of relationship with her husband. She might not need it to survive, but she needs it for her own happyness. You wrote: Babies who do not recieve love do not make it. It is a certain kind of love that babies need, the love of the parents. That is not the same kind of love a woman needs. We all need a certain kind of love and for all of us it is different. If I wouldn`t have that certain kind of love my husband gives me I surely would survive, but emotionally it would take a long time for me to get used to it. I won`t say it would destroy me but it would definatley depress me and I would be totally unhappy. So I believe: Yes, I need that certain kind of relationship with him.

Autumn

by Autumn on 2005 Mar 24 - 10:10 | login or register to post comments

It is love

Pat,

My husband's loving guidance in our relationship is part of his love for me. The same as sex is part of our love. I am not sure how you can determine what I need in as part of love and what I do not. You are not me. The Taken in Hand part of our relationship is part of our loving relationship. I need it as much as I need, hugs, holding, sex, kissing, snuggling. You are right I do need love to be an emotionally healthy person. Having a dominant man take me in hand is all part of the love I need. So as I said, for our healthy, happy loving relationship being taken in hand is something we need.

Take care,
Tev

by Tevemer on 2005 Mar 24 - 14:27 | login or register to post comments

love

I agree with you Autumn. I believe that the "type" of love that we receive is related to the reason we are in love with our respective spouse/significant other. Without that type of love that I need, am used to, respond to, I would be very depressed. That doesn't mean that I would stop loving my husband, just that a major adjustment would have to take place. Granted, in any relationship, we fall in and out of love to a degree and there are times when we are not in sync. I don't believe that a healthy adult relationship has an aspect that works for all. Just as we are all unique individuals with similarities and differences, the love in our life has the same variables. In short, what works for one does not necessarily work for the next person or everyone. We can all learn from one another though by sharing our experiences, thoughts and feelings.----Snoolge

by snoolge on 2005 Mar 25 - 03:27 | login or register to post comments

Needs

>It's easy for me to say that it isn't what you "need" >because our needs as human beings, without which we won't >survive, are food, clothing and shelter, and love. >(Babies who do not receive love do not make it).

Right below these items of 'need' on the needs hierarchy is socialization=connection. To say adults do not 'need' a sexual relationship seems to me a little absurd. Granted, the vast majority of adults do not need the kind of sexual relationship described in Taken In Hand articles but because what we need is not true for all does not refute that for some of us it is a very real need, as much so as vanilla heterosexual couples 'need' what they have or gay couples need what they have.

The physical aspect of many Taken In Hand relationships, mine included, I feel is a a physical expression of our sexual natures. I think Tevemer's original description is very apt....it is hard to imagine kissing a woman without ever actually and physically kissing her.

In another analogy, many hetero couples will have physical sex perhaps once a week or even less often. The physical sex clearly does not define their sexual union in marriage yet marriage taken as a whole is clearly a sexual union. I would venture to say that folks would not do very well, in fact their marriage would likely break down eventually, if one or both of them for some reason *decided* to quit having sex. We need the physical expression of our sexuality just as much as anyone else absolutely needs whatever phsyical expression that for them actually expresses their own sexuality....i.e. love making, gay sex (whatever they do), or in some case in the BDSM world this might involve service oriented submission and dominance without much in the way of phyical contact.

To claim we only *want* specific physical contact and do not need it misses the point I think. Adults in a sexual relationship need emotional and sexual connection and we gain that at least in part by physical behaviors such as spanking that turns out to be a very real physical expression of our whole sexual beings.

Frank Nelson

by Frank on 2005 May 26 - 18:34 | login or register to post comments

Orgasm

You said, "Orgasm generally does require some physical contact, though yes it is possible for it to happen mentally."

Oh, come off it. I cannot believe that it is possible to reach orgasm sumply by mental exercise. There must be some physical contact, surely?

I can believe that it is possible to reach orgasm without a partner being present, but there has to be some form of physical contact in order to reach a climax.

by advoca on 2005 Jul 4 - 08:39 | login or register to post comments

I'm sure it can be done, mayb

I'm sure it can be done, maybe not by everyone, but the mind is a pretty powerful thing. Look at wet dreams...no physical contact is necessary there. If this can happen when the mind is in a dream state it would stand to reason that some people would be able to think themselves into an orgasm.

by cj on 2005 Jul 4 - 15:12 | login or register to post comments

Nocturnal emissions

How do men have them if not only by mental exercise of fantasy?

by BlueRose on 2005 Jul 18 - 14:03 | login or register to post comments

Unexpected Orgasms

I do assure BlueRose, as a former male teenager, that fantasy, conscious or unconscious, is entirely unnecessary to bring on a wet dream. They just happen, and sometimes very embarrassingly. They are as innocent as can be.

by Edward Anthony on 2005 Oct 22 - 21:50 | login or register to post comments

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