Is he head of the household?

What does being head of the household mean? Is the man only head of the household if every final decision is his? If so, then is my husband head of the household? I don't know.

Here's the thing. We are currently discussing the possibility of moving from our current residence to my husband's home town. He doesn't like living round here, he never has done. There would be many advantages. It's a much, much cheaper area than the one we live in at present. We would be at the seaside, which would mean we could go sailing whenever we liked, which would be wonderful, and the children love the idea of living by the sea.

I am, however, despite all the attractions, suffering a degree of panic at the thought of moving. I've lived here virtually all my life, I've never wanted to live anywhere else, and the thought of uprooting is scary. Then there's all the worry about finding a new school for the children, what if they don't like it etc., etc.

I want my husband to be happy, I really do, and I know that moving back to his home town, where his mother and most of his other relatives still live, would make him very happy. But I know that if I said to him “I can't stand the thought of moving, I've lived here all my life, I don't want to live anywhere else” we wouldn't move. He wouldn't be able to stand the thought of making me unhappy.

I'm not going to do that, because it isn't really true anyway, I don't think moving will make me unhappy, I'm just a bit frightened at the prospect.

Does the fact that my husband would put my happiness before his own mean he's not head of the household?

How unbending in your decisions do you have to be in order to be considered head of the household?

Louise C

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Women want men who are more dominant
The resistant woman
Love and fear
I want it all, and I want it now!
A reality check for critics
The paradox of the master and the queen
Using the word “love” in writing about relationships
Tradition, feminism, Victoria and Albert
How I turned the fantasy into reality
Liberated through submission

2005 Mar 22 - 12:31 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Yes - or alternatively - does it matter?

It seems to me that Louise's question is, roughly-speaking, can a man be head of the household if he is kind and generous-hearted? It seems to me that if he is not those things, he is probably not someone who should be a head of a household.

If you want to think in terms of the man being head of the household, which not all Taken In Hand folk do, do we need an exact definition, or might there be differences in how those in relationships with a head of the household see it?

by the boss on 2005 Mar 22 - 12:57 | reply to this comment

Gentle Dominance.

Louise,

To me, for a man to be considered head of the household, and for me to respect him as that, he does indeed have to be kind and generous hearted.

I sometimes think I have given a false impression of myself in some of my posts, and for that I apologise if I have confused people. I'm still sorting things out in my head about how I see a head of household/gently dominant man.

Sometimes, what I have posted as what I see as a question, I think might perhaps have given the impression of something I actually want, i.e. micro-management, which is a term that seems to be used alot, and where I would just do as I was told even if it made me unhappy. I wouldn't actually if I was honest. Which is why I now think that consent in this type of relationship is so vital and a reviewing of things if either partner finds themselves unhappy.

Actually, I don't want micro-management. I'm not a wilting flower that needs a man to breathe for me - my lungs are strong enough to do this for myself. But sometimes there are times when it would be lovely to know that the man will be my protector and a stake by my side when the winds become strong enough to blow me over without his support.

I found your article intensely honest and very touching. Which brings me to the heart. The heartbeat of the relationship such as you describe with your husband here is obviously very strong - it works for you both. You both obviously care about each others wishes and it seems that either of you would be willing to step down in order to make the other happy - and the fact that your husband would put your happiness above his own makes him a very good head of household the way I see it.

And now, your fears about moving house. You know, sometimes moving to another area is the start of a great big adventure. Your children will be fine - children are incredibly resilient. All they need is the loving security of their parents and family to make them happy.

the boss,

An exact definition - I don't think there is one, because everyone is so different and their desires vary. This is another thing I'm going to have to think about.......I would just hope that a head of household would know,understand and love me well enough to take my thoughts into consideration before making any decision.

Lois Lane.

by Lois Lane on 2005 Mar 22 - 14:35 | reply to this comment

Seems like he's head of the household

Louise, it sounds like you are saying you have a lot of fears and trepidation about moving and yet you are speaking about it as if the final decision is his. He might decide on the basis of your worries to stay where you are living now, but he's still doing the deciding, isn't he?

If you were saying, he wants to move but I say no way, then he isn't the head of the household, either you would be or no one would be.

As the others are saying I think it is good that he takes your feelings into account, and I don't think anyone in a position of authority..legitimate authority that is...would make a decision without considering all the factors. In this case your happiness means a great deal to him so of course it is a big factor.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Mar 22 - 21:57 | reply to this comment

Your husband sounds so much l

Your husband sounds so much like mine. He sounds very kind and thoughtful, always concerned with your happiness. All decisions are made with your well being in mind.

I have always viewed my husband as the head of our household. It's a part of my religious belief system and has been since we married. Yet I can rarely remember my husband making any major decision without my agreement. We are in the process of making a big financial decision right now that I have been upset about. He just told me tonight that our marriage is more important than any financial issue we have. My husband has always been kind and thoughtful and never pushed decisions on me. That's just the way he is. All said I consider him the head of household because I chose to abide by his decisions. That's easy to say because he has never forced anything on me. But I trust his instinct and he trusts mine so we always decide together. It is rare when we can’t come to an agreement and when we can't agree we compromise. One of us gives in and it isn't always the same person. So in that regard maybe he isn't the head of household. Perhaps we are equal partners when it comes to the big decisions. I do know that we both try to think of the other person's happiness. Therefore neither of us wants to make a decision that makes the other person unhappy or stressed.

Interestingly enough, since we began living a taken in hand relationship we are so much closer that we are even more likely to compromise. Neither of us can stand it if we are mad or distant from each other. So we are much quicker to work to make the other person happy. It is much easier to give in and compromise now. We rarely fight. And when we do we get over it much faster. Actually the sooner my husband takes me in hand the sooner we get over the argument. I don’t mean he takes me in hand to make me see things his way. Not at all. He takes me in hand to get the anger out of me and perhaps out of him too. We are physically united again after that. Then we can talk freely and without spite and resolve things much better. Strange but true.

In terms of your move. Wow! That's a big change after having lived where you are your whole life. I was thinking maybe it will be great for your boys to live so close to your husband’s relatives. We have no family nearby and many times I have wished my children had cousins nearer.

Best of luck on the decision. Your husband sure sounds like a gem.

by forty something wife on 2005 Mar 24 - 06:31 | reply to this comment

Being closer

Yes, I have found that having a Taken In Hand relationship has made us closer. We are much more relaxed and open with each other, we talk more about things and discuss things that bother us, and we reach compromises more easily. My husband is more considerate of my feelings because he feels that I am more considerate of his and pay attention to him, he doesn't feel he is being ignored like he sometimes used to. Fights tend to be over before they've begun because he doesn't lose his temper with me any more, and he doesn't let my occasional burst of sulkiness or bad temper annoy him, he just takes control and I find the temper just oozes out of me. it's a great feeling.

As for the move, well I have lived in the area I live in now virtually my whole life, I only live about a mile from the house I grew up in. But if we moved we'd only be about 90 miles from here (in the US that would be practically next door, wouldn't it?), easy enough to come back form time to time to see people. And it would be nice for the children to be near their grandmother, she's their only surviving grandparent, and various aunts and uncles and cousins live round about. And they love the idea of living by the sea. So do I, I'll just have to get used to hearing seagulls instead of ducks and geese and swans.

My husband is a gem, but I don't think I ever fully realised it before I discovered this site.

by Louise C on 2005 Mar 24 - 18:23 | reply to this comment

Seagulls.

Hey Louise,

The sound of seagulls first thing in the morning is great!
Take it from one who knows.

And your children will love it! - Take it from one who also knows about this!

My best wishes,
Lois Lane.

by Lois Lane on 2005 Mar 24 - 23:08 | reply to this comment

Leader or dictator?

I know this post is over two years old, but I must add my two cents. As the head of my household, I cannot even fathom myself as being 'unbending in my decisions'. Yes, the final word is certainly mine, but there is a tremendous thought process that goes into each decision I make.

As an analogy, if the leader of a free country makes decisions that are consistently against what the people want, he will undoubtedly lose the next election. And though they have the power to oust him, they have still chosen him to be head over them. On the other hand, in a dictatorship, the people are generally miserable under the direction of an unyielding leader who can do as he pleases. I believe he is less of a head than the elected leader, because there is no real loyalty among his people. They obey because they have to, not because they want to.

I would consider myself a bad leader and a terrible husband and father if I did not seriously weigh the feelings of my family when making a decision that affected them. Though my word is final, it is spoken only after careful analysis and discussion. I hope the example I set for my wife and children shows that the whole family's welfare comes before any individual member -- especialy me!

James

by James on 2008 Jan 6 - 15:17 | reply to this comment

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