Are you in an abusive relationship? A quiz

I have been asked a number of times how someone can know if they are involved with a manipulator or an ultra-authority. Most of the people who have asked this question were specifically concerned with one-on-one relationships which they felt were questionable, and possibly ultra-authoritarian in nature. Because of these concerns, I have developed the following behavioral inventory. It is mainly geared toward one-on-one ultra-authoritarian relationships, but can easily be adapted by the reader to assess a relationship with a group or a leader.

Please note that these questions all relate to behavior... not motivation, circumstance, or beliefs. In order to assess the relationship accurately, you must be willing to answer these questions completely honestly, and with no excuses for either party. The more questions you answer in the affirmative, the greater the chance is that you are involved with an ultra-authority.

For the purposes of this inventory, the possible ultra-authority figure is referred to as “A”. Except where otherwise directed, make a checkmark on a piece of paper for each YES answer.

1. When “A” suddenly appears without warning, do you flinch or do your muscles tighten or tense?

2. When “A” appears in the room with you, do you automatically scan their body language to gage their mood?

3. Do you usually try to avoid arguments with “A” at all costs?

4. Do you speak differently to other people when “A” is around, as opposed to when “A” is not?

5. Does your posture change when “A” enters the room you are in?

6. Has anyone outside of your relationship with “A” commented on the negative qualities of your relationship?

7. Do you avoid certain subjects of conversation because “A” does not like them?

8. (For this question, make a checkmark if the answer is NO) When you see “A” unexpectedly, do you find yourself smiling and relaxed?

9. Do you drink, do binge eating, perform self-punishing actions, or do drugs, or desire to, when confronted by “A”s expressions of displeasure... or even just think you might be?

10. Does “A” exhibit jealous behavior or make statements of jealousy when you are near any other person/people?

11. (For this question, make a checkmark if the answer is NO) Do you have as many friends as you used to, before you and “A” got together?

12. Have you ever considered leaving the relationship with “A”, but felt you could not face the consequences?

13. Has anyone outside of your relationship with “A” commented on your own behavior/mood since becoming involved with “A”, as in stating that you used to be much happier, lively, vivacious, etc.?

14. (For this question, make a checkmark if the answer is NO) Does “A” like to go to parties or to other social events with you, expressing enjoyment through smiling at, gently touching and/or caressing you?

15. (For this question, make a checkmark if the answer is NO) Are you involved in as many clubs, social events, hobbies or sports as you were before you and “A” became involved?

16. (For this question, make a checkmark if the answer is NO) Have you maintained, at the same level of friendliness, the relationships you had before becoming involved with “A”?

17. Do you sometimes begin an argument with “A”, just to get it over with?

18. (For this question, make a checkmark if the answer is NO) Does “A” actively encourage you to develop new friendships outside of your relationship?

19. Has anyone outside of your relationship with “A” commented on “A”s behavior as being excessive or out of line?

20. When you or “A” has been at work, are there signs of physical tension, (such as tightened shoulder, jaw, or neck muscles; headache; fatigue; upset stomach or intestinal cramping, etc.) at the thought of going home/“A” returning home from work?

21. Has “A” ever said, “Look what you made me do!” in an angry, blaming way?

22. Does “A” almost always make the decision on the activities you share, such what TV shows are watched or what restaurants are gone to?

23. Has “A” ever made declarations that they will change, but their actions remain the same?

24. (For this question, make a checkmark if the answer is NO) Does “A” act as loving/caring/considerate towards you now as they did when you first met?

25. Has “A” ever hit you or made a threatening gesture as if they might hit you?

26. Does “A” habitually refer to things as “mine” which are normally held in common? Such as, “my house”, “my children”, “my car”, and so on.

27. Has “A” assumed control over your money? (This could be directly, such as by taking control over checking and savings accounts, or indirectly such as through excessive spending of or ‘borrowing’ of your own or household funds.)

28. Has “A” ever called you names or made demeaning remarks about you to other people?

29. Has “A” ever threatened or actually sought to destroy something you care for or love such as a pet, a memento, personal items/clothing, books, etc.?

30. Has “A” ever become angry or aggressive when you have talked with, looked at, or given attention to a person other than “A”?

31. Has “A” ever told you that it is your fault they are angry with you, that they have to come down as the ‘heavy’, and/or that they have to punish you?

32. Do you tell yourself that the ‘real’ “A”, the loving/caring/giving “A”, is there inside, and that you just need to keep looking past the surface?

33. Has “A” ever called you names or made demeaning remarks about you to your face?

34. Has “A” blamed you or made you responsible for things you have no control over? Such as the behavior of other people, their own behavior, or events which you could not control?

35. If “A” found out that you had taken this inventory, would “A” verbally (or otherwise) thrash you and/or angrily demand to know why?

Scoring:
Count up the number of checkmarks, then click the appropriate link below for further information.

0-3: Doing pretty well
4-10: There are some things to take care of
11-17: Walk very carefully and get help
18-25: Get help and get free
26-35: Danger surrounds you

Beth Young
[Beth's website is here. - Ed.]

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Is there more to life than sexual fantasy?
Leadership, strength, emotional intimacy
My husband and I face the world as a team
Subjugation or submission?
Is your relationship abusive?
Being taken in hand is hot!
Is there consent?
Abusive men: Hedda Nussbaum's list of red flags
Have you found a proper balance?
One person's abuse is another person's happy marriage

2005 Mar 23 - 00:19 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Some is Valid, Some is Not

Most of the questions on this test make sense and show if a person is feeling trapped and controlled in an unpleasant, life-sapping, frightening way.

Other questions just don't make sense. Seriously now, who has time for all the activities, friends and hobbies you pursued when you were single, once marriage and kids come along? I've never heard of a partner "actively encouraging new friendships" but so long as they don't discourage them and isolate you from other people I don't see a problem.

And really, after years of marriage, there's a certain amount of complacency. No one is quite as loving and considerate as when you were dating but so long as they still are loving and considerate that's not a sign of abuse either.

Overall I think if a person is in a relationship that is not making him or her feel good and happy and if there is a feeling of dread or watching one's step, there's a problem.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Mar 23 - 06:54 | login or register to post comments

Re: Quiz

I think some of the questions are only for people who just met the man or haven`t been with him that long.

Do I avoid arguments? Yes of course, I hate arguments and try to find a way not to turn it into an argument.

Do I speak differently to other people when he`s not around? Yes, there is some woman to woman talk with my girlfriends and I would probably talk different when he`s around.

Has anyone mentioned negative qualities of my relationship? Yes, women who are either jealous because they don`t have a man or people who do not understand a Taken in Hand relationship.

Is he jealous? Every once in a while, but I`m pretty sure that`s normal. I`m jealous every once in a while too, when a woman acts like she wants him.

Do I have as many friends as I did before? I don`t think so, but does anyone have as many friends after they got married and have kids then they did when they were single?

Am I still as friendly as I used to be before I met him? It´s been to long for me to remember.

Did he ever tell me he had to punish me? Well of course he did, but that is what people do who are into practicing DD.

Almost all the question start with "has he ever". A dominant man is only human and they do make mistakes too. I don`t think you need a marriage counselor just because your man was jealous once or twice and called you a few names, or complained that you spend more time with your girlfriend then with him, or even try to talk you out of seeing a friend who he doesn`t like. I think maybe some of the questions should have started with "does he frequently". As far as a counselor goes, I don`t believe in them anyhow. I`ve heard from other people what counselors have told them, I could`ve told them the same thing. In one sentence it`s like this: "You have to start with yourself and try to change some things about your own life and not sit back and feel sorry for yourself, you can not change somebody else unless they want to change and you can not accomplish anything with nagging.

I have also told my husband before about a certain friend of his who I don`t like and I do complain sometimes about him playing baseball every sunday in the summertime and I do not encourage him to have more friends because that would probably mean that he would have less time for me and our family. Does that mean I`m no good for him? I don`t think so.

Autumn

by Autumn on 2005 Mar 23 - 10:00 | login or register to post comments

The Hedda Nussbaum Test

This issue came up on another board I frequent and someone brought up the Joel Steinberg/Hedda Nussbaum relationship as one that began with a DD-style relationship and what seemed like benign control, and escalated into horrific violence that made a slave and a puppet out of Hedda and led to the murder of their six-year old illegally adopted daughter Lisa.

If you are interested do a search on Hedda Nussbaum. She has a quiz similar to this one but I think worded a bit better. Also if you read of their relationship, it was one that began in a seemingly benign way with him critiquing her "performance" after parties and telling her how to stand and how to walk. From there, it gradually turned into a nightmare.

If someone is on this continuum I would say the point to get out is the point where it is not enjoyable, where you are walking on eggs, afraid to contradict him and afraid to speak to others about your problems with him.

By the way, as far as having less friends, I think it is natural that some friendships go by the wayside when we marry. Often we find that some of our friends who remain single just do not have the same interests and goals not to mention limited free time and cash, as we do. On the other hand in a marriage the couple should be finding new friends, other couples they can relate to and enjoy being with. I think if one's friendships are narrowing and aren't being replaced, something is wrong.

Also while I have told my husband I didn't like some of his friends, I never said he should not see them. It is when a partner starts telling you a friend or relative should not be seen or spoken to that you have to start realizing his control over you is going too far.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Mar 23 - 18:21 | login or register to post comments

A hit, a very palpable hit.

If I answered the questions on the quiz I would have to answer 'yes' to a number of them, including the one about has he ever hit me. Yes, he was very jealous during our first marriage (not entirely without cause). And as for getting angry and yelling at me - well! No, he's not perfect (neither am I), but who would want a perfect man in real life? How boring it would be! If you could answer 'no' to all those questions, what a paragon you would be married to! You'd have to keep him a glass case so he didn't get damaged.

Some of the questions I could answer 'yes' to for perhaps different reasons than are implied by the questionnaire. For instance, yes my posture often changes if my husband comes into the room, but that's generally because I know if he sees me he is likely to grab hold of me and fondle me, which is not a disagreeable prospect.

I have never actually noticed another woman wanting my man, but I probably wouldn't care for it if she did. I went out with a couple of very attractive men when I was young, there were always other women hanging round, like circling sharks waiting to move in for the kill, I found it quite stressful. My husband, on the other hand, seems to derive satisfaction from imagining that I am wildly desirable and that other men might be eager to snatch me away from him. He gets pleasure from contemplating the number of men who were keen on me when I was young "I'm the only one who can have you now" he says triumphantly. I could point out to him the unlikelihood that there are hordes of men panting with eagerness to enjoy my favours, but why should I disillusion him?

by Louise C on 2005 Mar 24 - 18:08 | login or register to post comments

The big picture

Obviously, you can read the questions in a way that would cause just about everyone to appear to be in an abusive relationship, or you can consider the spirit of the questions. I think most of us can tell the difference between the spanking Louise loves and the sort of hitting Beth means. One has to use one's common sense, here.

It is not clear to me whether or not Beth thinks that any jealousy of any description is a bad sign, or whether she means, say, jealous rages, but if she is suggesting that any expression of jealousy whatsoever is bad, I think that that is a mistake. It is fashionable to look down on those who have any flicker of jealousy, but to me, it seems perfectly normal for a person to feel a flicker of jealousy or fear of loss in certain circumstances. It seems to me to be very human. If I were with a man who felt jealous on occasion, I would not dream of trying to shame him out of it by telling him it is not normal or something, I would willingly submit to whatever he might feel the need to ask of me to make himself feel better, no matter how extreme or unreasonable or abusive it might seem to someone else. When someone you love is feeling bad or delicate for whatever reason, I think gentleness and kindness and tolerance is in order, not standing on your rights (unless you are in an abusive relationship, in which case, get out). [Perhaps we should start a new topic if we want to get into a discussion about jealousy.]

That said, I do think that questions like Beth's can help some individuals face the fact that they are in a relationship that is not good for them. If you dislike Beth's particular questions, perhaps you might find SilverOz's Is your relationship abusive? more appropriate.

by the boss on 2005 Mar 25 - 04:01 | login or register to post comments

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