Full circle
I'm seriously considering a Taken In Hand relationship. My attitude toward men has come full circle and I think I'm ready to surrender to my husband's authority...I have a lot of questions at the end of this post!
In my early teens, I was considered, by my perfect-looking family, to be moody and difficult. I was an angry person and got into drugs and alcohol in my early teens. I also quickly figured out quite early how to work the boys to get my needs for attention and chemicals met. My promiscuity and drug addiction brought me to my knees in 1989 at just 22 years of age. At that point in my life, I had no remaining dignity or self-respect. I began my journey into recovery then. While my body got clean from chemicals, I continued, for several months, to degrade myself by sleeping around. I was emotionally and spiritually empty.
As I became more lucid, did more reading and surrounded myself with a healthier, more mature crowd, I discovered feminism. I subscribed to Ms. Magazine and contributed to the N.O.W. I was angry at myself for allowing men to use me for all those years and I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen. I was angry at every man for every minor indiscretion they may have committed. If a guy held the door for me, I would seethe, not knowing the first thing about the difference between someone being nice and someone hitting on me!
Two or three years later, I slowly swung back to the center. I had developed into a confident, self-respecting, intelligent woman who knew exactly what she wanted and would not back down from anything. At the same time, I began to appreciate the differences that men brought to a relationship and recognize that, while it infuriated me at times, I was certainly drawn to masculine (usually emotionally reserved) men. I would no longer be caught making derogatory remarks about men in general and no longer took off color remarks from men personally.
I was just over three years clean when I got married. My husband and I had two children right in a row and we fought a lot. His energy level is much lower than mine and I’ve always felt so frustrated about this, calling him lazy. He is also quite reticent, which I have interpreted as insensitive and passive-aggressive. Having had an extremely independent, intelligent and overbearing mother, he learned early that being non-responsive was a far better weapon than speaking up. He would torture me with indifference while I verbally abused him with insults and sarcasm. He has a tendency to avoid friction at any cost, so he often lets me have the last word and/or have my way. He always says that I am never satisfied and I always thought that if he were just a bit more thoughtful, he would see how satisfied I would be. We came close to divorce twice. We’ve been together for thirteen years. He is gentle and very respectful of my privacy and my need for social interaction.
Recently, I have started reading articles at takeninhand.com and have read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. At any other point in my history, the information contained would have brought up rage in me and definitely turned me off. I would submit to no other human! I first began to read about Taken in Hand relationships because I’ve always wanted to be dominated sexually and the very idea of being spanked is extremely erotic to me. What happened to me when I started to really read the posts and Laura Doyle’s book is that I found some very rational points within. I have surrendered to drugs, to alcohol, and to nicotine only to have my life improve tenfold. Why not my husband?
I began to be more respectful to my husband. For the past ten days, I’ve kept a journal of my progress. I’ve refrained from controlling him, took care not to use sarcasm or interfere with his parenting of our children. I’ve said “yes” to sex. When I have slipped up and been rude, controlling or complaining, I have promptly apologized for being disrespectful. I’ve also kept track of my thoughts and of my shortcomings in my journal. It has helped me to get clarity and avoid the same mistake next time. Not only does it turn me on to be somewhat subservient to him, it makes sense in that it eliminates all of our arguments. My temper will flare, but if I can let it pass, it really seems to have no residual effects. I was worried that resentment might build, but it doesn’t. It always felt so wrong to be so verbally abusive anyway, I just didn’t think I could control my resentment. Surrender. It just makes sense – and so far it’s working.
I’ve decided that thirteen years of trying to control his behavior has not been effective and since I am 100% his wife today, I will choose to be 100% in this marriage. This means that until the day that I should decide not to be in this marriage, I will surrender to him 100%. I agree with the writer who said that “It takes a strong woman to be submissive.” If I were not comfortable with and sure of who I am and what I think, then being dominated would both crush my spirit and make it difficult for others to respect me. I’m sure that my husband would not respect me or enjoy my company if I agreed with him and fussed over him all the time. He is attracted to my out-going personality, my intelligence and my confidence…or so he’s said. He wants me to have my own personality. Sometimes that’s a tough call – when am I submitting to his authority and can I do it completely without loosing myself? At any rate, it seems like a full circle because I gave up my identity for the attention of men 15 years ago, I was a groveling nobody with no personality of her own. Later I couldn’t even like men and thought that I was superior, then I thought we were equals but my husband somewhat intolerable, and today, I’m healthy and mature enough to be submissive and hold on to myself…I hope!
I’d really like to read posts from people who have not yet told their partners that they want a taken in hand relationship yet or from people who have only done so recently. Has anyone’s partner balked? Has anyone’s partner refused to participate? Have they thought that you were selling out? Were they happy to finally hear it? Was anyone sure that their partner would not be game and then been wrong? How about sure their partner would like the idea and then been wrong? Is anyone still afraid to speak up? Did anyone wait several months, trying to submit consistently, before asking to be taken in hand? Has anyone had second thoughts about having a taken in hand relationship? I’ve been reading many articles on takeninhand.com, but really not read much about this early part of the process.
Thanks for everyone’s posts. It’s helpful stuff on my road to surrender.
Have you seen the following articles?
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
The submissive alpha female
Making it explicit versus keeping it implicit
Leadership, strength, emotional intimacy
Changing for myself
Ever-deepening total love
Why you should not withhold spanking!
No more waiting!
Melanie surrenders
First year trials
Comments
#1 Hi Sally. Congratulations on
Hi Sally. Congratulations on turning your life around! I'm sure you will find many women on this site who have also gone the route of feminism for a while before settling into a taken in hand relationship. I've been married for 22 years and have only this year started this kind of relationship. We have never been happier or closer, and our sex life is tremendous. Here is what I would recommend: If you have not broached the subject of submission with your husband, I would wait a bit. You are just now finding out how effective putting Laura Doyle's principles into action is and I would let that build for awhile. Read Dr. Laura's book on The Proper Care and Feeding of Men, and perhaps, "Fascinating Womanhood." If you are a Christian, consider "Let Me Be A Woman" by Elisabeth Elliot. Each of these books will strengthen your resolve and give you greater skills. Give yourself a few months to continue to incorporate these principles and changes into your marriage and monitor the result. Let your husband come to see that these are permanent changes and can be trusted and not just a "whim." If he wants to know "what's going on," just tell him you've realized that you want to show him how much you have always appreciated and respected him. No need to grovel about the past. Definitely continue with sexual availability--that plus daily appreciation--will do more than anything to strengthen him.
As for spanking, I would recommend this: If you have never played around with spanking in a sexual context--start there. Just tell him the truth--that the idea turns you on. I was embarrassed to say so for 20 years, but when I finally did, it was no big deal. Men are generally happy to accommodate fantasies that lead to sex! My husband and I tried for awhile to bring spanking out of a sexual context and use it for discipline, but this really didn't work out that well for us. Play around with it sexually before you try anything else. "Real" discipline can change the relationship in ways you may not want to go.
Third, take your time on the money thing that Laura Doyle suggests. I asked my husband to take over the finances, but I continue to act as "secretary." That way, the major decisions are off of my shoulders, but I know that things are getting done (together on the weekends) so I'm not anxious about late bills, etc.
Fourth, give your husband time to grow into his new role as Head of the House. When he has proven himself to be worthy of respect and submission, THEN offer your submission to him as a gift. Once given, it is his--so the submission is REAL--but it was your choice and it can be revoked.
One more thing--since you have kids, take every opportunity to build your husband up in their eyes. You don't have to say, "Wait til your father gets home!" but you can say, "Let's wait and see what Daddy says," or "Let's show Daddy how much we appreciate his hard work and make him a great dinner," and things like that. Your appreciation will grow along with your children's and your husband will truly blossom. Good luck! Charlotte
#2 You are most of the way there!
Sally,
Thanks for sharing your experiences in you thoughtful post. I am not sure why you only want to hear from people who either do not have a taken in hand relationship yet or are new to Taken in Hand. Everyone shares the experience of starting a Taken in Hand relationship, even the people who have been at it for years started somewhere! :)
I am wondering do you already have a Taken in Hand relationship? You seem like you are most of the way there already. If you are already submitting to him what are you hoping will change when you tell him? Has he picked up on your change? Has he started to make decisions, started to exert any control on his own? Just curious. I never thought of starting our Taken in Hand relationship that way. I am curious how it is working out.
As for us, we started our taking in hand relationship with me telling my husband that I fantasized about spanking. We tried spanking and it did not seem to work very well and was very funny. Then I stumbled across Taken in Hand type relationship boards on the web. I cautiously told him about it, thinking he would laugh but he did not. He did not understand right away, and he needed to think about it. We explored sites like this one together. He wanted to know exactly what I was talking about. He was not sure it would work but he was willing to give it a try. We talked and talked and talked some more.
If he is willing, you can share with him some interesting posts you have read on this site, that have really spoken to you. You need to remember to take it slowly and be willing to change if things do not seem right for you both.
I was someone who was surprised that my husband would be willing to be the dominant partner in a Taken in Hand relationship. He never seemed very dominant before that. It turns out that he was, but he was suppressing it. He thought if he could just be a little nicer to me, try a little harder then I would be happy. It did take some time. We have been at it for a year and a half and we have had some ups and downs along the way. I expect we will likely have more in the future. Good luck and keep us posted!
Take care,
Tevemer
#3 Jump Right In and Have Joy!
Congratulations Sally on your new discovery that I feel is built into women instinctively (it's just natural). And conratulations to me because I usually never comment. So here I go with my advice to a new beginner from a new beginner!
Jump right in:
Jump right in and tell him what you're really made of! You've waited long enough! (13 years) He'll be happy your sharing your thoughts and desires with him. They like to know that kinda stuff! I promise they do! It made my hubby aroused when I told him. He couldn't believe I felt this way!
What happened to me:
I became closer to God last May '04 because I became a very broken woman. Trying to do everything, I was overwhelmed and very hard to live with. I became very depressed and miserable. Even my children seemed unhappy with me. (I was a Bitch on Wheels!) When I read in Genesis about how woman (Eve) would have desire over her husband. My belief is that I think God put this in us. Some call it a curse, but I call it freedom.
Supervising my husband:
I find it tiring to check up on my husband to see if he is following my rules. It's very degrading to him and men don't like it. I don't care if they aren't naturally dominant. They just don't like it.
My blessing:
Six weeks ago, I too read Taken in Hand (and I read The Surrendered Wife.). My husband started reading these articles with me. We decided instantly that this was both of us. He is naturally dominant and I am naturally submissive, but I would power struggle to be dominant. This is instinctive too. Our new roles started to plunge immediately! Depression has left me and my children are so happy to see their parents in love! My belief is that because I became closer to a higher power, God blessed me with this knowledge! I hope I'm not offending you with my beliefs and I don't expect you to share them, but something very super natural happened in our family's life and I know for a fact I'll never be the same again!
Our new roles:
My husband and I talk about our new relationship daily! We are in love now, after 13 years of HELL! The communication and intimacy we have now is HEAVENLY! I feel REALLY married and never really felt it until now! I've had the best romance I have ever read about.
My advice:
I say plunge right in and talk about it with your husband and ask him if this is something that can be added to the relationship. By asking him for permission, you are still being submissive. If he says no, be patient, and ask him if he will atleast give you 20-30 minutes of Taken In Hand time to read articles together. After a while see if his interest starts up! I think that your husband will become very fascinated about how women and men feel about this. He may realize that his own fantasies are not crazy and that he can make it a reality. This is how it happened for us. I too have a fantasy of being spanked and so do many of my (girl) friends. I typed the word "Spanking" as the Keyword and found Taken In Hand. Best thing I've ever done!
My first mishap:
Last week, I accidentally left my keys in the door. I have 4 kids (ages from 3yrs.-13 yrs.) This is something that is a major issue with M about losing keys and stuff! I am a full speed ahead type of gal and very forgetful of where I lay things. He, on the other hand, is very responsible and has a place for all his things.
Making progress:
Our new life is still a work in progress, but it is WORKING still the same. And very well! All we do now is talk about how glad we are that we discovered a brand new wonderful journey together! We continue to use Taken In Hand as our marital counseling and reading stories together about 1-2 times a week. You could definitely say, our marriage is reconciling!
Feeling vulnerable when you surrender:
Feeling vulnerable also feels wonderful! If you can truly surrender under his authority you will have such an euphoria that you won't be able to stop thinking about your new roles. You will see people at places like grocery stores and shopping malls that will tell you that you and your husband look so in love! The other day my husband told me the bank teller commented on how happy he looked and that he was glowing! He said, "I'm pregnant. Ha! Ha! No, really I'm just living a better life. And that's what it is for us now. A better way to live. He told me that he was glowing because he's in love! (I hope it was me he is referring to. Ha! Ha!)
Just a hint:
The minute your hubby totally agrees, start laying the ground work, and ask him how he wants to set things up. Find out how he wants his household ran. My husband started with a list of rules he expects me to obey everyday. When the rules are broken he chooses my fate. But this was discussed together and we both agreed to it! I never have to agree to it again because my submissiveness shows him how happy I am. He never has to question anything, he just takes charge. I totally trust this man with my life! He stayed with me during the bad and now it's time for the joy! LOL!
My final close:
Good luck to you and your husband! May your marriage be blessed and fulfilled the way it should be. May you blossom richly! You don't need drugs, they'll kill you. I hope your husband commands that you never do that again, and you obey him and if you don't, may he spank you harder than ever. He loves you enough to do that I am sure. Feminism leads to divorce, but to surrender means to truly be FREE! Jump right in Girl and have joy!
Jamie B.
#4 Thanks
Thanks for the input from both of you. It helps a lot. I remember when I first got clean from alcohol and drugs. I kept thinking to myself "is this really what I want? Is this normal? What am I doing here?", and stuff like that. I'm going through a lot of that now. I find that I am embarassed to tell my friends about this decision of mine because they'll think that I've sold out. After all, I've always encouraged them not to ever take any crap from anyone!
It's not that I didn't want to hear from anyone who has been in a taken in hand relationship for a long time. That is certainly helpful too. I have been deliberating over this for a while now and wanted to hear expiriences of people who have also deliberated and had doubts. I thought that if it were fresh, the expirience would be very vivid still. I'm sure it's still vivid for some of you with a longer taken in hand history.
I do appreciate what you've shared and feel a bit more commited simply for having made a post.
Thanks,
Sally H.
#5 Selling out
Sally, you stated that you are afraid to tell your friends about you exploring Taken In Hand because they might think you have "sold out". It is easy for women to forget that the feminist movement is about, above all things.....choice....... So in the future when you can be comfortable tell a friend or two...... just share with them the fact that is was your choice to explore this Taken In Hand relationship and as strong, yet submissive women, you are sharing with your husband your greatest gift.... that of absolute femininity.
passion
#6 Good for you, Sally . . .
...for making all the changes you are. It takes a lot of courage to face a tough personal history, not let it crush you, take its lessons and create the future you want! As I've posted before, I'm about to (I think, I hope) embark on a romantic relationship with a dominant-type man I've known for several years. The more I read, the more I realize how deeply embedded my desire to submit is, but in advance of having a real-life relationship, a lot of what is in my head now has to do with processing my self-criticism for wanting what I want. I don't think it's as simple as "you're a feminist and feminists have choices"; for me, it's more along the lines of, "I believe that women should be treated as they wish -- and how in the heck is it that *I* want to be treated this way? I never envisioned myself as someone who wanted to lean so heavily on another (uhh-interdependently, my fears are really showing here!), and it's taking me through some uncharted mental and emotional territory.
Anyway, I hope that you and your husband develop the relationship that you are dreaming of, and that it begins to resolve disappointments and bad feelings from the past. All the best in your courageous journey!
SA
#7 Also new in a Taken in Hand relationship
Hi Sally,
Thank you for your impressing description of your development.
I'm also just starting in this "new" kind of relationship. In the meantime my husband knows about my ideas and he's very happy about them.
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[See this article for the rest of this post. - Ed.]
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Hope you and your husband make a lot of good experiences, too.
And Sally, don't lose patience, when it's difficult to explain (for you) and to understand (for your husband)the terms submission and dominance at first. Just keep talking and keep showing him in daily life what submission and respect mean to you.
I wish you well!
Best regards
Jana