Shall we dance?

My dear husband rented the new Richard Gere movie Shall We Dance? for me this week. I must say I loved it. I mean, it was Richard Gere in a tux, ballroom dancing-what's not to love? I also always enjoy the movies that show long-term marriage with children in a positive, sexy light. Two things really stood out for me in this movie.

First, I was actually somewhat troubled by their lack of concern for where the other partner is. He goes into the studio on a lark and ends up staying for the class, all evening. When he gets home he finds a note that his wife has gone shopping with their teenage daughter and they will be home at 10. At one point, he stays for rehearsal and dinner with J.Lo and then more rehearsal, and never calls his wife. I think that this is just the condition of their marriage. They both seem to have very demanding job with habitual long hours and they just lead largely separate lives.

What troubled me was that I think this is a very real state of affairs for many families and I find it kind of sad. No wonder the divorce rate is so high – how can you stay connected when you don't even see each other every day? I also found it kind of odd that he felt he couldn't tell his wife that he wanted to take ballroom dance lessons. But I think he was just afraid of seeming ungrateful.

And then I remembered that I have always wanted to take dancing lessons and have never told my husband because I thought he would think it was dumb or would refuse to do it with me. In addition, their relationship is still really good and it gets so much better by the end of the movie, it makes up for it. They come together in a very realistic fashion.

The second thing that really struck me was that ballroom dancing is a beautiful metaphor for a Taken In Hand relationship. The man leads, yet the whole point of the dance is to show off the woman. She is held, protected and admired as she is held, and protected and cherished in a good Taken In Hand relationship. He is dashing in his tuxedo but it is only a backdrop for her beautiful eveningwear.

He is leading but that doesn't make her part any less important. Her misstep will foul them up just as quickly as his will, and she must make every step he does. He decides where they will go but she must choose to go with him, he cannot force her. The waltz is graceful and romantic and a couple doing it right looks as though they are floating across the floor.

It looks like a romantic, effortless fantasy, but the reality is that hours of intense work go into every step, every pose, every head tilt, every nuance. It requires sensitivity, connection and attention to your partner. But when it works, they are like one unit and it's breathtaking. Sometimes I think I have this romantic picture of what a Taken In Hand relationship (or any relationship) can be, but I must not forget all the hard work that goes into developing that rosy picture.

Oh, and here's the really happy ending to this story: inspired by the idea of telling my husband what I want so that he can make me happy by giving it to me, I told him that I would love to take dance lessons with him and he said that sounds like fun! He has always wanted to be able to dance! Yay!

Otter

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
The erotic power of unshackled male dominance
Why would anyone want to be controlled by a man?
Mistakes made in forming relationships
To do all that love wills
The impossibility of installing a spine in a pansy
He who dares, wins
Getting beyond rules; peeking behind the veil
Love and fear
A love letter
What easy-to-say word gives every lover pleasure?

2005 Feb 11 - 09:03 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Cultural Differences

Otter, 'Shall We Dance' is a remake of a Japanese movie, so some of the things that you found odd in the American version are probably the result of transplanting the original material out of its context. In the Japanese version for example, the husband is afraid to tell his wife about his dancing because in Japan, ballroom dancing is regarded as somewhat scandalous. The original movie is well worth checking out, if only to see what changes were made.

by amba_k on 2005 Feb 11 - 18:03 | login or register to post comments

re: shall we dance

Otter ... I so agree with you ...

After 18 years of begging my (former) husband to take ballroom dance with me (I shed him for other reasons,) and two years of trying to convince (a former) SO to do this with me, (I shed him for other reasons,) ... I had my first ballroom dance lesson last week with my 16 year old son! It hit me that as much as I have longed to learn to ballroom dance, my son would get way more out of it at this point in his life than I would, and in him I have a “ready made” learning partner.

My son was hijacked for this and he had no idea what I was up to until we walked into the gym. He took it gracefully and we were both amazed at the number of couples that were there - all novices. The instructor is a petite, mature woman who got right to the point: “Men,” she said, “this may be the only time in your lives that you have such complete and total control over a woman. What’s not to love about this activity?!”

And she wasn’t kidding, either. Woman’s right hand clasped in his left and gently stretched outward; his right hand firmly on her waist, elbow out; and her left hand on his shoulder, left elbow resting on his right. Four physical contact points to communicate control. Then ...and this is most important - you lean your torsos in towards each other so that he has to “move her around the floor.” The second he eases this control, her natural tendancy is to lean back and pull him along ... and then he is forced to step on her feet! If she doesn’t want her feet stepped on, she has to let him lead. If he doesn’t lead, and she doesn’t lean back to take over, you go nowhere! If she leans back in response to his lack of command, the result is painful.

By the end of the hour, we were all obediently being led by our partners ... backwards, no less. The eye contact is the best part and even though it was my son, he was very commanding once he got the hang of it.

Will my son be going back for lesson two? I have to tell you, once he got into it, he got quite comfortable being in complete charge of me, getting a big kick out of tweaking my backward direction to avoid crashing into other dancers. ... all the while maintaining humorous eye contact ... “Mom, you’re doing it again...!”

The real funny part of it ... once he took charge ... I followed. And he’s my kid! Do you all wanna vote on how good this will be for him???

I sooo recommend this for committed couples. It's way beyond romantic ... it's riveting. (The brochure was very specific: It said, “...we will teach the men to lead and the women to follow.” Can't get more specific than that!)

Fortunata

by Fortunata on 2005 Feb 14 - 00:20 | login or register to post comments

Good dance/relationship book

There's an interesting short book called The Tao of Tango. (Search for it on the web and check out the author's website for an excerpt). She discusses how tango taught her how to give up her machisma and learn to balance male and female energies not just on the dance floor!

by Mike's Girl on 2005 May 29 - 02:46 | login or register to post comments

Ballroom dancing

My husband shared an interesting piece of information with me tonight. He told me that when he was at his grammar school (all boys) he attended ballroom dancing lessons at the girls' grammar school in the town. There were three reasons he wanted to do this. One, it got him out of playing ball games, which he loathed; two, he got to fondle the girls; and three, the girls' school finished a quarter of an hour earlier than the boys'.

All these years, and I had no idea that he'd ever done any ballroom dancing! You learn something new every day.

by Louise C on 2005 Sep 8 - 21:39 | login or register to post comments

The Dance Metaphor

You're absolutely right, Otter, about the metaphor. Isn't it great that there's this big dance revival? Tango's my dance but I keep meaning to get into ballroom again. I love the vintage, retro feel of it as well as the lovely interaction of male and female. Plus it's the most fun and sexy thing a man and a woman can do together in public. I think perhaps the Japanese are right.

by Carl on 2005 Nov 14 - 22:51 | login or register to post comments

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