In defence of books like Fascinating Womanhood

I love books like Fascinating Womanhood, by Helen Andelin, and The Total Woman, by Marabel Morgan. I have studied Fascinating Womanhood and even written to Mrs. Andelin. I am currently rereading my thrift store copy of The Total Woman. And one you might have overlooked as it is no longer in circulation – Darian Cooper's book, You Too Can Be the Wife of A Happy Husband.

I am a stay-at-home wife. I have approached the subject of working a couple of times when finances were tight, and my husband has always insisted that he wants me home.

I consider myself naturally submissive as I have always sought dominant men and had a desire for loving dominance. It makes me feel more centered, secure and safe. However, before reading these books I was also very opinionated, self-centered and bossy. I couldn't figure out why I was always pushing away the very thing I wanted.

Applying the principles of these books – they are all pretty much the same, just worded differently – has not made me into something I am not. It has just brought out my feminine nature and allowed me to soften my rough edges. Theses books have helped me to get a different perspective on my husband and thereby better meet his needs. In turn he treats me differently – the way I have always desired to be treated. There is much less contention in our home. And because I take an interest in my husband's activities, he allows me plenty of time and money to pursue my own.

This has made it possible for me to stop being so overbearing, and for my husband to develop his more dominant side. Nature will always fill a vacuum. When I quit taking charge he started taking charge himself.

There are some things in all of these books that do not apply to my marriage. For instance my husband loves me in dresses but he also likes me in jeans – unheard of in Fascinating Womanhood. So I think the key when reading these books, is not to use them as an authority on what a relationship should be, but as an enhancement to the relationship you already have. Take what applies and leave the rest. Nothing is cast in stone. I manage our finances just because my husband doesn't like being bothered with them (against Laura Doyle's advice in The Surrendered Wife) but he pays the bills and has the final authority.

Each relationship is unique because the two people that make it up are unique. There are no cookie cutter rules that will work for each one. However, new ideas keep things fresh and exciting. I always want to work to become a more pleasing partner. These books are simply one avenue through which to get ideas. I like picking them up for motivation when I get bored or start slipping back into my old ways.

[If the writer would like to give me a name, I will attribute this piece accordingly. - Editor]

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
The Total Woman, by Marabel Morgan: a book review
The soothing effect of vowing to obey
What women want
What does the man get out of it? Many things!
The dynamics of our Taken In Hand relationship
Never do without sex again
Surrendered in love
Give new love a chance
Strength and ceding control
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance

2005 Feb 10 - 14:33 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

The Surrendered Wife

I am reading the Surrendered Wife and I find it very interesting. Like you I take what I find is useful and leave the rest. Interestingly I am already doing many of the things she suggests in the book. After twenty years of marriage I have figured out what works for us and what doesn't. Also I learned some of the same information from Dr. Laura. I listened to her on the radio and read her books and thought a lot about what she had to say.

I think one common theme in the book Surrendered Wife is simply not trying to control your husband. It seems simple but it takes a while to get used to if you haven't been in the habit. My husband and I married when we were fairly young and although we both believed intellectually that the man should be the head of the home I was on the bossy side. If he would get a gift for one of his family members I would criticize him and try to control him. Even if I didn't control him I might make a rude comment later about what a bad choice of gift that was. Eventually I learned to keep my mouth shut and let him decide what an appropriate gift would be. Occasionally, like for his mother, I would choose my own gift for her. But I wouldn't criticize his choices. I would mentally but not out loud. I was not taken in hand in any sense of the word by the way at this time. I was simply trying to love my husband more and have a greater sense of marital harmony. In time I found that I did not think his gifts were so ridiculous. I realized that what I thought was silly his family might actually like, or simply like because it came from his heart. Now most of the time I look at what he chooses and think; that’s nice, I'm sure his sister will like that.

Now granted I don't like it if he tries to control what I buy for others which he doesn't unless it's how much I spend which really annoys me. We have very different ideas about what is an appropriate amount to spend on gifts. But we are both trying hard to compromise in all areas including gift buying.

The point is that a lot of what has helped us tremendously is me trying to give up being controlling of my husband. He has his own thoughts and ways of doing things. When I finally realized he is a perfectly capable intelligent man and I don't need to control or micromanage him we are both much happier. Also I see that when I am not dominant and bossy he is much more likely to take the dominant role. I love seeing this side of him and he loves seeing the kinder, less bossy side of me.
So far I am really enjoying this book and I will certainly order the others you mentioned. The more food for thought I have the better.

by forty something wife on 2005 Feb 11 - 19:51 | reply to this comment

Good books

Reading books like these is a waste of time. Not only are they extremely badly written, but they offer a lot of very dubious advice about how to fix an unhappy marriage.

If you want a good author to read, I'd recommend Agatha Christie. Not only is she a much better writer, but her books contain much sound advice on how to sort out matrimonial problems.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Feb 12 - 08:20 | reply to this comment

Getting good advice from Books

I agree with you that if you read these books and take out of them what applies to your individual marriage, you can gain alot of insight. I recently ordered Fascinating Womanhood and another book, Woman's Worth by Marianne Williamson. I am going to read them and then of course take what I can out of them and ditch the read, just like you did, I also handle the bill writing - hubby's busy and we both like my handling it - and he likes me in jeans too. When I wear skirts, which I do like to do, sometimes he wonders why am I so dressed up? It makes him comfortable when I'm casual. The point is that everyone should read advice with the idea that they can take or leave whatever applies to them.

Thanks for sharing the out of print title "You Too Can Be the Wife of A Happy Husband." I'd love to find a copy of that book and read it too!

by wifeandmom on 2005 Feb 14 - 21:34 | reply to this comment

Another perspective on the jeans/dress thing

When I asked my dh what he would like to see me wearing, he said that my taste was usually better than his in this area.

So I asked him if he liked pants or skirts better. He said he was torn. He likes jeans because he can really see my butt and he can see how they would be more practical given my life of running after three kids, one a toddler.

On the other hand, he said, he likes skirts for the easy access.

Do you think that is what Mrs. Andelin had in mind? It certainly is "Fascinating"...

; )

Otter*

by Otter on 2005 Feb 17 - 20:26 | reply to this comment

I find both books very manipulative

This discussion is interesting because I've read both FW and Surrendered Wives and just cringed because, like book The Rules of a few years back, they all seem so manipulative of the men in the relationship.

I suppose the argument would be that the men never realize it and are happy that the nagging has stopped (and I certainly would agree that nagging your spouse isn't good for a relationship), but the books still really bothered me. I don't think I could feel submissive if I felt I was trying to manipulate my partner into being more dominant -- it seems like such a contradiction.

I remember reading FW as a child and feeling sorry for the husbands -- it makes them out to be such easy dupes -- like the incompetent husbands in commercials, you know?

I'm going to look at the FW again -- if nothing else than because it's such a cute little book. But also because so many here seem to have found it worthwhile. :)

Best,

Mija

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Mar 19 - 09:10 | reply to this comment

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