Hi, my name is Lil' Red and I am a recovering control freak and brat. I gave up control a little over a week ago, still working on the brat part (sigh)—I think that is going to take a really long time. If someone would have told me a month ago, when I was screaming at my husband about divorcing him, that I would ask him to take me in hand, well, let's just say I would not have reacted well at all.
I was a female warrior embracing the Cossack/Irish/Scottish/Native American parts of me and conveniently forgetting the Quaker ancestors. They just didn't fit in with the sword wielding vision of me.
I was determined to be smarter, stronger, and tougher than any man. As a child I learned how to throw a wicked spiral and swing across ravines on vines and climb any tree faster and higher than any mere boy, why I was Super Tomboy. Give me Superman's flying abilities or Spidey's webs any day, just not that stupid wimpy lariat of truth that Wonder Woman carried around.
At eighteen I met my husband and the first couple of years were heaven, well mostly anyway. I became almost (gulp) feminine. I loved wearing dresses and putting makeup on for him and even, dare I admit, felt an intense surge of feminine power the day my natural wiggle got him out of work six hours early! I was on top of the world; I realized I could be a girl even if I did throw a football better than my husband.
Then life happened and stress landed on our doorstep; neither one of us handled that very well and our relationship started going downhill. For years we pulled ourselves back up by our boot straps and things would be just peachy… for a little while. I forgot all about being a girl, I turned back into that wanna-be super hero female warrior, better than all men. For fourteen years we struggled with my need to prove myself better than everyone, including my husband (I was sure he was at fault for everything.) Every couple of months things would take a downward spiral and I would tell my husband I was leaving… again, which is what I was doing a month ago.
My husband made a timid pass at me and I freaked out when he became upset about it. I was leaving and that was that, we talked, we cried and we even laughed as we discussed divorce. There are children involved so they had to come first. We cried some more and I was heading for the door when something miraculous happened; my husband stood up to me and called my bluff. Need I tell you how quickly I was back in his arms?
Last week in the middle of sex play I told my husband I wanted him to be more dominating and I wanted to become an obedient wife, he of course obliged, for the night, (he's a wonderful man.) The next day I searched the web and discovered Taken In Hand and sent him an e-mail at work. He promised to read it and did. Thus started the discussions and after reassuring him that I did indeed know this is truly what I want we started a new and vastly approved relationship.
We discovered that several times throughout our 16-year relationship we had played at me being taken in hand. When my husband gave me a direct order to do or not do something, I automatically obeyed and when he powerfully instigated sex I never had a “headache.” Hmm… that should have been a clue there.
So, we've started this journey and I've given up control of just about everything, I guess some would call it micromanaging. The amusing part is I am a million times happier.
I'm trying to stop my need to be smarter, stronger or tougher than my husband. In fact, we have the exact same I.Q. He has proved several times this week he is stronger and in a contest of wills, well, he won there also.
I'm now a non-flying, non-web shooting, non-super warrior. I've retired my cape and replaced it with a dress, not because I have to but because I can. I am back to adoring my husband and being a girl.
I do, however, still throw a wicked spiral! (LOL)