A sword-wielding female warrior taken in hand!

Hi, my name is Lil' Red and I am a recovering control freak and brat. I gave up control a little over a week ago, still working on the brat part (sigh)—I think that is going to take a really long time. If someone would have told me a month ago, when I was screaming at my husband about divorcing him, that I would ask him to take me in hand, well, let's just say I would not have reacted well at all.

I was a female warrior embracing the Cossack/Irish/Scottish/Native American parts of me and conveniently forgetting the Quaker ancestors. They just didn't fit in with the sword wielding vision of me.

I was determined to be smarter, stronger, and tougher than any man. As a child I learned how to throw a wicked spiral and swing across ravines on vines and climb any tree faster and higher than any mere boy, why I was Super Tomboy. Give me Superman's flying abilities or Spidey's webs any day, just not that stupid wimpy lariat of truth that Wonder Woman carried around.

At eighteen I met my husband and the first couple of years were heaven, well mostly anyway. I became almost (gulp) feminine. I loved wearing dresses and putting makeup on for him and even, dare I admit, felt an intense surge of feminine power the day my natural wiggle got him out of work six hours early! I was on top of the world; I realized I could be a girl even if I did throw a football better than my husband.

Then life happened and stress landed on our doorstep; neither one of us handled that very well and our relationship started going downhill. For years we pulled ourselves back up by our boot straps and things would be just peachy… for a little while. I forgot all about being a girl, I turned back into that wanna-be super hero female warrior, better than all men. For fourteen years we struggled with my need to prove myself better than everyone, including my husband (I was sure he was at fault for everything.) Every couple of months things would take a downward spiral and I would tell my husband I was leaving… again, which is what I was doing a month ago.

My husband made a timid pass at me and I freaked out when he became upset about it. I was leaving and that was that, we talked, we cried and we even laughed as we discussed divorce. There are children involved so they had to come first. We cried some more and I was heading for the door when something miraculous happened; my husband stood up to me and called my bluff. Need I tell you how quickly I was back in his arms?

Last week in the middle of sex play I told my husband I wanted him to be more dominating and I wanted to become an obedient wife, he of course obliged, for the night, (he's a wonderful man.) The next day I searched the web and discovered Taken In Hand and sent him an e-mail at work. He promised to read it and did. Thus started the discussions and after reassuring him that I did indeed know this is truly what I want we started a new and vastly approved relationship.

We discovered that several times throughout our 16-year relationship we had played at me being taken in hand. When my husband gave me a direct order to do or not do something, I automatically obeyed and when he powerfully instigated sex I never had a “headache.” Hmm… that should have been a clue there.

So, we've started this journey and I've given up control of just about everything, I guess some would call it micromanaging. The amusing part is I am a million times happier.

I'm trying to stop my need to be smarter, stronger or tougher than my husband. In fact, we have the exact same I.Q. He has proved several times this week he is stronger and in a contest of wills, well, he won there also.

I'm now a non-flying, non-web shooting, non-super warrior. I've retired my cape and replaced it with a dress, not because I have to but because I can. I am back to adoring my husband and being a girl.

I do, however, still throw a wicked spiral! (LOL)

Lil' Red

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Take it slowly - take it from one who knows

Lil' Red, it sounds like you have a great relationship. Congratulations for that! A word of advice: take it slowly. You sound so much like me. I was pushing for more control, and when my boyfriend obliged, I found it was not exactly what I'd expected. Micromanagement might work for some but if you start feeling trapped and wretched, don't ignore your feelings, talk to your husband. Take it slowly and you'll have less to undo later.

My boyfriend is doing what he thinks I want, but that can't make it right if it isn't. I know he loves me and I know we'll work it out together, but it would have been better if we'd taken it more slowly to start with.

Taking it slow

Thank you Amelia for the advice. The first couple of weeks my husband and I went full steam ahead while talking through every possible aspect we could think of. It's been over a month and things have settled down a little, we are still learning.
This past weekend my husband and I got into a bit of an argument and I did listen to him to an extent but I thought he was being unfair about something and I told him. He doesn't agree but realized he hurt my feelings and he told me he is sorry for that.
I made him feel like I don't want to go forward with our Taken In Hand relationship, not because of disagreeing with him, but because of my attitude. I reassured him that I do indeed want this, life is so much nicer with it.
I've asked him to 'micromanage' but he doesn't seem comfortable with that. If anything he is afraid of being too controlling and I don't think he could ever be too controlling. Everything he does is aimed at making life better for our family, he would never 'control' me in a bad way.

In regards to "A sword-wielding female warrior taken in hand!"

I read your comment and thought you were stealing my ID. I too after 19 years of marriage realized that I needed to give up control to my husband. We had contimplated divorce and even split up at one time. We moved 3000 miles from home to save our relationship thinking that we needed a new approach on life. We have tried everything....so we thought. We have 4 children and I believe that if they hadn't been in the picture, my husband and I would be no more. The children kept us together for as long as it took for us to get our acts together. I needed a strong protective man and he needed a woman that treated him like a man. I had searched the internet for a couple weeks looking for the answer and then last week, I found Taken In Hand. I emailed my dear husband at work with some articles from Taken in Hand and told him that I would give up everything for a take in hand relationship. He was a little apprehensive due to past experiences with trying new things, but then he said he thought this could work. If it's one thing my husband always complained about it was him not getting enough love making on my part and that he didn't feel like a man because I showed no interest in him. He has been mighty surpized to see the difference in me and how I react to him. He loves this new life. I feel respected as a Lady, wife, and mother. He feels loved. I gave up all control and believe me, I controlled everything and often complained to him that I was tired of controlling, I just didnt trust him enough to take over. I have never been happier in my entire life. He has never been happier either. We just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary today and we had a great celebration. Different from all other anniversaries. He made me feel like a real Lady. I give such thanks to this website. It's kind of funny, I have always said that technology ruined the old fashioned housewife. First the telephone, women started gossiping, then TV, soap operas started given women unrealistic ideas of marriage and motherhood. Then the interent opened a million door ways to "how to cheat on your spouse without getting caught". Now what can I say, technology and the internet saved me from a marriage of gloom and possibly doom.



little gem

I just wanted to say that I am so glad the site puts links to older articles down the left margin. Otherwise I might not have stumbled on a little gem like this right when I needed it.