Wow, I didn't get that at all. I get what he's saying...that's it's no fun to dominate for the sake of dominating. Stick up for yourself, put up a fight. No one likes a namby pamby...even on this site! LOL

I've been looking at this site for some time now and often wondered how on earth anyone could have the courage to actually come forward and say anything in public.

Desires and fantasies and needs seem to be such a private thing and to actually air them for the world to read appeared to me to be either extremely foolhardy or brave, please choose your own interpretation.

Upon reading these last posts however, I plucked up my courage to register. Max, I am the writer of the anonymous post.

When I read the original article, it frightened me.

Because:- I was in a relationship that I entered quite willingly because I was looking for a dominant man, the reasons too private to go into in the public domain, but all to do with my always having had to shoulder huge responsibilities that became just too much for me to bear.

As the relationship progressed it slowly became apparent that this man had seen some kind of 'strength' in me which he then began to feed off, and once again, I was the one doing all the caring and not getting any of the loving dominance I needed in return - just control. This was the complete opposite to what I actually needed. Please read 'need' there and not 'want'.

I read the article as implying a relationship where 'control' was the order of the day, with alot of arguing and the writer wanting to win at any cost, rather than gently, but firmly, leading a woman along the right path, which is what I'd thought this site was all about, i.e. a loving dominance.

This is arbitary control, not loving dominance, and there is a subtle difference here in my mind.

The relationship I had was an absolute disaster in the end, and I had to finish it, because I no longer had anything left within me to fight someone else's corner, and no strength left to argue back - which I always hated anyway because it denied me my right to femininity (as I see it).

I am not a namby pamby! In my life, and the experiences I have had, I have had to draw upon strengths so deep inside me that it nearly destroyed me. Unless you've been there yourself you will have no conception of what I am talking about. I would suggest that I am extremely strong, in fact. However, if I have to constantly argue because a man doesn't instinctively understand what I am saying because he loves me, and if he really loves me then he should make it his business to find out, gently, what makes me tick, then where is the love?

I suppose what I am trying to say is if I am going to submit authority to a man, then I would like that he take it as the greatest gift I can give.

All I can say now is that I apologise if I have offended anyone. If I've got the original article wrong, then I'm sorry.

I am not looking for a Superman, but a Super Man. These men do exist, because there is someone in my life now who is helping me enormously along my path.

Lois Lane.

the boss,

I re-read the article after reading your reply and tried to look at it from a different perspective as you suggested.

I can see your point. I actually do love to be teased in a fun and friendly way by a man and there is certainly nothing harmful in friendly arguments, as long as that is what they are.

I suppose one can only be influenced by personal experience, and to be honest I am trying hard to look at things positively these days, rather than negatively, and I am getting there, believe it or not!

I do like this site by the way - and I wouldn't be visiting it if it didn't offer the kind of things I am looking for.

Thankyou.

Lois.

Broderick,

Your last paragraph said it all to me, and I thank you so much for being so kind after my anonymous post. Understanding is everything.

Lois.

Personally, I think the majority of women are strong willed and independent because they have to be, not because they want to be...and they do want a man to read their mind and take control.

But I will push just to see if the man will push back. If he doesn't push back, then I will push us both right over the edge. One of us has to have the control to save us both from falling.

I am attracted to self-assured dominant men. I love my own independence and power. I also would love for man to take control of mine in order to enhance the relationship for the both of us.

I consider myself submissive, but maybe too strong willed to give it up so easily. Read my mind. Prove you are strong enough to handle me. Take it from me and the rest will flow like water to quench the thirst of us both.

You make me want to give you a hug, Lois. You warm my heart.

I'd also like to add that men too fantasize about mind-reading women. I used to dream about finding a girl who had such a connection with me and such feminine intuition that she would know my deepest desires without my having to wrestle with the words. But now I practice that tool that I'm sure everyone has heard of, "When __ happens I feel __ because __." (I know you're rolling your eyes at that.)

I'm pretty sure that most conflicts are misunderstood misunderstandings. If you just knew that it was a miscommunication in the first place then much of the frustration wouldn't be necessary. People naturally relate and understand when they are told about human struggles. We are all human; its just about learning to let people know what's going on.

This doesn't have to fly in the face of the Taken In Hand ideas. Just talk about it.

I read your article on a "strong willed woman wanting a man to lose against". I wholeheartedly agree with your comment, except for the "violence" part which I will comment on in the end of my paragraph. I myself am an extremely independant woman. I have taught myself to never rely on a man's money or anything. I am smart, and not afraid to stand up to anyone, including men.

As the comment goes, how can a man respect a woman who can't respect herself. Others may or may not agree with me on this, because of the old adage where if a woman lets a man spank her or dominate her she is not respecting herself, I disagree. A woman who is independant I feel can also have a man completely control her as well. This is a strong woman like myself who knows what she wants. For example: A woman and her husband disagree on a subject, she communicates her side, and he his side. Say they still do not agree. He should ultimately have the last word wether she pouts or not.

When a woman independant or not has a dominant man who shows his presense, meaning he walks into a room, and you know he rules that roost, yet he's kind, loving, carries a firm hand, but gentle, that woman has a good man in my book. On the violence issue, a spanking can go a long way in a relationship. Sometimes a woman needs it, keeps her in her place.

Mindreading? I do not think any of us can really read another person’s mind. But we can read the clues. We are all empathic to a degree (except you sociopaths out there), the human psyche is hard wired to do so. When in a primitive state, our species had to read the body language of the predators to know if it was safe to move past them or if they were preparing for attack. The male of our species had to know if the female was receptive for mating to advance our species. The female had to know if the male was in a rage to avoid potential harm. Etc., etc., etc. What I am trying to point out is that the ability to read another person’s body language is bred into us. It may well be tied to the flight or fight reaction, I really do not know as this is not my area of expertise. What I do know is I can see others using it every day even when they do not realize it. We can read the “signs” if someone is happy or angry or frustrated. I have never seen anyone, man or woman, that can totally control their body to the point of having no body language at all. Just the fact they are trying to do so exposes it.

What am I trying to say with this? It is simple really. We all use these sorts of clues with those we interact with, even total strangers at all times. A warm friendly smile can encourage strangers to speak to you in grocery stores. I know, it happens to me all the time. My kids use to be amazed at that. A stiffing of the body, cold or burning eyes can reflect anger or hurt. The list goes on and on. Each of us are born with the ability, we just have to hone our skills. No, this is not mindreading, but it is not rocket science either. If you love someone, you should be developing the skills to recognize the signals that will tell you what that person is feeling or thinking. It will not be exact. It will not be perfect. It will give you the beginnings of opening up a discussion to find out the reason for the body language.

I think of myself as a strong willed woman and survivor. I have spent all my adult life honing my skills at reading body language. I use it every time I go to work and it has saved numerous lives when I picked up on something the person did not tell me or could not. But in many ways I do throw out conflicting signals too. I may smile but my eyes will reflect that I am in pain. The point is that if you know me and are interested enough to learn my signals, you will then ask about it. You will be able to “read my mind” enough to recognize a problem exists and can then talk with me about it. This is why I want to become involved with a man who takes charge. The ones I have known in the past would ask. It is an amazing feeling to be able to release the doubts, get advice, have a shoulder to cry on. I want that in my personal relationship also.

Broderick W. said in the OP that “A woman who can’t come out and fight for her needs can’t control her own life. I can not live someone’s life for her.” No strong woman would want you to. We can do most things competently and independently, thank you very much! But what we do want and need is someone to be a sounding board when we are confused or conflicted and will offer constructive suggestions not criticism. We need to have someone who can hold up the world for us when it becomes too much and we need to retreat and regroup. We need someone that can tell us “enough!” when we try to take on too much and become frustrated with ourselves and everyone around us. We need to have someone that can love us in the good times and bad without making us feel like a subspecies. Yes we can live our own lives but if we wanted to do it alone, we would not need you!

Libby