Are you submissive to all men or to only one man?

Because of my submissive nature, as well as my Southern upbringing, I often found myself tolerating sexist comments and inappropriate remarks or flirtations from men without defending myself. I worried that if I ever felt truly threatened by a man I might lack the nerve to defend myself properly, or might fail to voice my objections loud enough or soon enough to protect myself.

Since telling my husband about what I truly desired in a relationship and beginning our Taken In Hand journey, there has been a very definite change in the way I feel around other men. Because I feel so strongly that I belong to my husband, and my husband only, I believe I give off a less vulnerable air. I find that men no longer make inappropriate remarks to me and that they treat me with more respect.

Now, when I imagine myself being stalked or attacked, I can easily imagine forcefully objecting and defending myself. As a Christian, I had never really noticed before that the Scripture makes this distinction. The New Testament tells women to submit to their husbands, not men in general! Understanding this distinction in my own life has felt very empowering!

Charlotte

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
A breakdown on the road to intimacy
Craving protection, learning to trust
What kind of site is this? D/s? TPE? CP? DD? ABCD?
How I became submissive
Moving into a Taken In Hand relationship
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
Spanking as connection
Who needs forbidden fruit when you have this?
It's sexual even when it's not
Women want men who are more dominant

2005 Jan 30 - 18:30 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

How right you are!! : )

Charlotte,

Thank you for giving me the impetus to write a comment on this website -- I have gotten so much out of the boss's, and everyone's, postings that I knew it was just a matter of time before I said something myself.

I'm pretty new to this whole subject, but have been a "closet submissive" ever since I can remember. Anyway, the particular comment I wanted to make to you is that *I* am just now exploring why I allow inappropriate and hurtful remarks to be said to me without my responding to assert myself, when at the same time, I will defend others (and do -- with my life, at times) who are being victimized. Just today, a man whom I barely know was bragging to me about his sexual prowess and hoping I'd make some move towards him. Without insulting him, I let him know that he could be a better person than that, so I waited for him to correct himself -- and he did. He saved face (mostly), and I didn't allow him to degrade both of us. A little victory, esp. for someone like myself, who has been abused a bunch of times and have just taken it.

It's a process, and I expect I'll have many other "teachers" along the way to help me build my strength and resolve. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone -- other women are discovering the difference between submission to that one special man and protecting oneself against predatory ones right along with you.

All my best,
SA

by SA on 2005 Jan 30 - 23:18 | reply to this comment

Congratulations on speaking up!

Dear SA,

Welcome to the site and congratulations on speaking up to the aggressive man. I am sure that men and women without submissive tendencies will not understand what courage that took! And good for you for doing it in a gracious way that allowed the man to retain his dignity while you retained your own. Charlotte

by Charlotte on 2005 Jan 31 - 02:31 | reply to this comment

Being submissive doesn't mean willingly accepting abuse

Being submissive doesn't mean willingly accepting abuse.

Crossing the middle age mark shuts up a lot of the leering anyhow. I've been very grateful for that myself.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jan 31 - 02:53 | reply to this comment

Right on, Charlotte!

Your comments are very well spoken! Although I am not a Southern woman, I was born, raised, and still live on the West Coast (California), by a very strong and independent mother I might add, I realized my submissive nature from an early age. I always hoped that I would find a man who would appreciate that part of me.

Looking back now, I realize that as a young, single, working woman, I allowed stronger, sometimes older, men to make remarks either about me or about women or sexuality in general. It's not like I was trying to put myself in that position, but I just didn't stand up for myself or walk away in those situations. And there were quite a few men that come to mind who definitely crossed the line between being "funny" to being outright disrespectful.

Of course, age and maturity help many women, including myself, deal with those types of situations, but I agree with you that since my husband and I have openly embraced our Taken in Hand relationship, I feel very empowered by it!

I belong to him, and him only. I trust him because not only does he love and adore me, he cares about my feelings, protects me, and he is my shelter in a sometimes difficult world. And I also love and adore him, look up to him, obey him, respect him, and I am also his shelter when things are tough for him.

You're right, just because we are submissive to our husbands, doesn't mean we are submissive to all men. I am respectful towards all people, male and female, as long as they are respectful towards me. There are other men that I like, admire, and trust their good judgment (family and friends), but that's not the same as being submissive towards them. Only my wonderful husband deserves that!

by babydoll on 2005 Jan 31 - 05:29 | reply to this comment

Being submissive

I can't honestly say that my husband is the only man I've ever felt submissive towards. Because my sexual nature is specifically submissive, I have felt that way towards men I've had relationships with in the past.

Flirting was something I did a lot of when I was young, but so did everyone else I knew so I never thought anything of it, I didn't associate it with being submissive, it was just what everyone did.
Men propositioning on me was something I took for granted , I never thought of it as being disrespectful or anything, I just more or less assumed that all men were sex maniacs. Anyway, as Pat says, middle age tends to reduce the hazards of that kind of thing!

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 31 - 08:42 | reply to this comment

No leering allowed.... ; )

Thanks, Charlotte, for your warm welcome. You are right, it did take a lot for me to not defer, not try to make him feel better about being inappropriate, etc. Louise, I love your comments -- while I don't always agree with them, when you write I always have something to think about! : ) I am "middle aged" myself, Pat, although I "look younger," whatever that means. On a wider note, I do think that part of the male/female problem in society is that women tolerate (and encourage!) a lot of stuff from men that really isn't acceptable. It isn't right for me to be trying to purchase something from a store while having to put up with unwanted sexual comments from the person assisting me. It also isn't right for me to feel uncomfortable going into *my* business because there is a man who is similarly vocal and explicit, but these two situations have happened within three days.

Can't be how I dress -- nun-like is the best description --and it can't be my stunning figure (I'm really overweight!). When I had a dialogue with the one guy (on the street), I told him his remarks made me feel disrespected, although I said it with a smile. He told me he talks to me that way because I have a "sweet attitude." What would you have said, Charlotte? And what is a gal who likes men, and values other people's feelings, 'spost to do? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I will also solicit advice re inviting a new bf to consider a Taken In Hand-type relationship, when I get up the nerve! Hope everyone reading this has a great day.

Take good care,
SA

by SA on 2005 Jan 31 - 15:20 | reply to this comment

Sexual Comments

i've never had anyone making sexual comments to me while I'm shopping, I must be going in the wrong stores! I used to do a fair amount of tolerating and/ or encouraging men when I was young, but these days I seldom get the opportunity(naturally, as a respectable married woman, I wouldn't go encouraging anybody, but it's nice to think I might still have the ability to inflame masculine passion).

My husband, bless him, still seems to see me as a femme fatale, last night he was reminising about the number of men who used to buzz around me in my youth "I'm the only one who can have you now!" he exclaimed triumphantly, flinging me down on the bed. I forebore to mention that it was unlikely in the extreme that anyone was going to be beating a path to my door at my time of life, but I did not mention this, if he chooses to view me as an enticing seductress, I am not going to shatter his illusions!

Thanks for saying you enjoy my comments, hope it works out with your new boyfriend okay.

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 31 - 17:04 | reply to this comment

Thanks very kindly, Louise!

Yes, I do love your remarks -- you've got a fabulous sense of humor and a keen intellect! Anyway, I don't quite have the boyfriend yet -- he and I are warming up to it, as it were. Too many off topic details to go into why.

He is in law enforcement; I'm hoping that his dominant attitude translates into dominance in relationships (or at least in ours); we shall see. My "luck" in this area hasn't been too good so far. I picked someone emotionally very abusive for a long-term relationship, guess it served my desire to be distant myself for a time, then I grew out of it and wanted more, had to move on. He would begrudgingly indulge my need for physical dominance, which made me feel pretty unloved. The second major relationship was with someone who was not able to (or willing to) dominate at all, and I ended the relationship in large part because that is something I need from a man, as inconvenient as that is in this era when many men seem to shy away from such behavior. This third guy (third time's the charm, right?) seems to be someone who might be a better fit for me (and I think I will be for him, for that matter!). Now that I'm ready for someone really special, I'll need all the luck and awareness I can get -- so that I don't sabotage a good thing!

All my best & thanks again,
SA

by SA on 2005 Jan 31 - 20:53 | reply to this comment

I would definately give it so

I would definately give it some time before asking for too much dominance from a new man. As you may know from reading this site, many of us waited years and years before approaching our HUSBANDS with this desire. You want to make sure that the man is worthy of your submission--as Glitter just wrote so eloquently--he should have himself in hand, have integrity and love you completely and without reservation. There is all the difference in the world between being "taken in hand" by an honorable man and being abused, and no woman wants to be abused in reality. (At least I don't think so!)

Although I haven't dated since I was a teenager and married very young, I will still offer this bit of advice. If I were looking for a new man, I would be interested in his ability to make me feel loved and protected, as well as his own personal competence and self-control, before I would even begin to worry about whether he was dominant enough. If he loves you and has a somewhat dominant personality (as law enforcement would indicate) then he can probably meet your needs as time goes on. Good luck. Charlotte

by Charlotte on 2005 Jan 31 - 22:12 | reply to this comment

You are so right!

Charlotte,

I certainly believe you and the others who've written on this site when you say that love, a feeling of protection from him, a sense that he has integrity, etc., are all key before one can consider his ability to dominate. I already take for granted that these are preconditions, since I'm *not* looking to make another relationship misstep at this late hour! The man I was referring to has these things. He also has a bit of a temper, but not towards me (he seems very patient with me), and I'm not looking for a saint, anyway (because I'd have to be one, then, and we'd never have sex). ; ) Anyhow, I do appreciate the sisterly advice and hope that my intuition is dead on with this one. Will keep posting for one thing or another and I'll let you know!

Thanks again,
SA

by SA on 2005 Feb 1 - 01:06 | reply to this comment

Your post was most interestin

Your post was most interesting. The term "Taken in Hand" seems odd to those of us that are living the D/s lifestyle 24/7. Yes, I am a real life submissive woman, who tends to be more of a slave than a sub. Do I like being taken in hand? I know of no other way to exist. I am submissive to my soul and have also experienced the knowing "eye" of a dominant man. I can never fully understand how a true dominant male knows he is face to face with someone like me. I've been told it is all in the eyes of the submissive. But, at any rate I do believe there are many, many women that are submissive in our society; but, because of pressures of modern society, it is unseemly with claims of abusive treatment. I say there is abuse in all manner of lifestyles and being in a dominant/submissive (D/s) lifestyle is no different. Yes, I cater to my Master. I support him in all he does and I give him the reins of our life. He in turn gives me three things of great value and importance. They are love and honor, protection and discipline. (Ok, so I might like a spanking on occasion, it really does perk up an evening. *wink*) I trust my Master with my very life cause I know how much he cares for me and how deep the love and respect goes. Giving yourself permission to be what you are and revealing your most hidden self to a man (Master) that captured your heart, spirit, mind and body is the most rewarding experience. I submit and taste the delicious feeling of surrender, knowing he feels the delicious feeling of dominance in return. It is a beautiful dance filled with a surging power exchange. I give him all power and he gives me freedom to be me.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Feb 15 - 01:38 | reply to this comment

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