How often do you have sex?

[Editor's note: This was originally posted on the usenet newsgroup soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm. Those as charmed as I am by Thorney's writing can read more of his posts here and here.]

Subject: Re: Question for the group... how often?
From: Thorney

The person starting the thread wrote:

› 1) How often do you have sex?
› 2) How often does it involve a scene or bdsm play?
› 3) How long have you been in this particular relationship?

Since I've had affirmative responses in the group and by e-mail for offering (explicit) details, here goes.

I'm in my late 50's, Mrs. Thorney over 75 (one of my concessions to anonymity is to round to about 5 years). I had a nasty divorce about 25 years ago, she a more amicable one about 30 years ago (numerous children). A few years after my divorce I went to teach at a different school and she noticed me and set out to catch me (she says), contriving to sit next to me at faculty meetings, be valuable professionally, etc. I see no reason to disbelieve her reports but from my point of view I simple fell in lust, then love, with an exceptionally helpful older colleague. We married about 20 years ago. I think it fair to say that we have each trained the other to be exactly what we want in a spouse / lover / partner, and are both extremely happy with the arrangement.

She asserts that satisfying me is very easy, she just tries a lot of things and watches and remembers what works. I describe the process as seducing her into behavior I enjoy, by making suggestions and rewarding / praising things I like. On the other hand, while playing Top, I insist that she is not allowed to keep secrets from me about what turns her on, what she wants, what is working. Since one of my great pleasures is driving her into ecstasy, I figure I'm entitled to require that she help.

You asked about frequency of sex and frequency of wiitwd (what it is that we do).

As of fifteen years ago (notes from the psychological interviews associated with a child visitation lawsuit) we typically had intercourse 10 to 14 times a week. Now it is typically 5 to 7, weighted toward the 7. As she got older, her tissues got a little more prone to injury or infection and we eventually settled on once a day, but learning to stretch that one session out longer. She maintains my interest for as long as she wants by knowing my hot spots, mental and physical – I don't fully understand the left-over adolescent in me that responds so well to a plea of “Please fuck me harder, Master!”, but that is no reason not to enjoy it. Nor do I fully understand the manipulations she does that bring me off when she is ready (or I request it) but it works spectacularly well.

Most of our sessions involve at least that sort of role-play; the rare exceptions would be if there is a grandchild in easy earshot or during the very rare family crises (e.g. death or divorce in family) when straight tenderness is indicated.

During the rest of the day, we ‘play’ with great frequency. Some of this is ritual stuff, observed rather flexibly. I choose what panties she is going to wear and confiscate them occasionally. If we are home alone, she'll hoist her skirt so I can watch her bottom as she walks upstairs. She denies being at all submissive or having any interest in being kinky, she just says she is the world's greatest expert at keeping me happy (she is) and that I do the same for her. I frequently follow her into the bathroom so that she can lick my penis while she pees; I've asked her if that is “kinky” and she says, “no, we are just doing something we both enjoy.” Lately I've been asking her to kneel down naked and kiss my feet; she says she is willing to do that “only when she wants to” but so far she's decided she wants to each time I've “suggested” it. As I say, the process involves seduction and negotiation (she likes foot rubs, which I provide when asked). I like to put sexy outfits (or none) when we exercise together and pose her and photograph her in extreme and/or revealing poses. She praises my being supportive and attentive about her exercising for helping her to be in such good shape (at 75+ she does white water rafting and ocean rowing).

We have a great many common intellectual interests and enjoy reading books out loud to each other. For years the children complained of the frequency with which second derivatives kept cropping up in discussions at breakfast. Many an evening will find us naked together in bed with several reference books open, engaging in serious theological discussion and sexplay (“May I please have a spanking now, Master?”) simultaneously.

I feel I have the world's most exquisite submissive, and also get to satisfy quite a few of my other stray fantasies; she gets all the attention she wants and obviously loves feeling that she can be an irresistible sexual attraction to a man 20 years younger.

We don't easily fit in any of the standard ‘categories’ of wiitwd. (I sometimes say that our main unifying fetish is Church History and Comparative Theology, but that is clearly an oversimplification).

As usual, I've departed a long way from the question. Hope it was helpful.

Thorney

Take the Taken In Hand tour

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My deep dark secret
He owns it all...
Empowering dominance
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Taken In Hand means different things to different people
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2005 Jan 26 - 10:27 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Having just passed my 60th birthday ...

... I'm inspired by this!

Theo
chas_dar-at-yahoo.co.uk

by Theo on 2005 Jan 26 - 17:05 | reply to this comment

Amazement and gratitude

Thank you for posting this, the boss. It lifted my spirits on a gloomy freezing day to read this and to think there could me so much fun and devotion between two people who are older and so much more open and loving than any I have heard of. It gives us hope. Do you think this could be true or is it some kind person's generous fantasy?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jan 26 - 23:58 | reply to this comment

Lurking And Learning

I have been a regularly frequent lurker on "soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm" for quite a long time. Thorney posts there quite often. I have seen this post and others reflecting the same attitude and contentment. While I don't know him personally and he doesn't know me at all, I really believe that this reflects his real life. Would that we all could be so fortunate.

KrosRogue

by KrosRogue on 2005 Jan 27 - 08:12 | reply to this comment

Yes, we are still at it.

Yes, we are real and still much at it. A few years ago, age 77 and a half, Mrs. Thorney remarked that we'd never gone to the Himalayas. That is not a time when one says, "let's wait five more years until I retire." I retired, and we went.

We are so busy I'm not writing as much: in a few days we leave for a two-week trip with a synagogue group to visit charities in Cambodia and northern Thailand. Mrs. Thorney is now over 80, I'm over 60, as much in love as ever.

We continue to "play" in one form or another several times a day or more. Age has had some effects, but less effect on our sexual activity than we would have expected and we still startle our doctors. (A couple of years ago I turned up at the local physical therapy clinic with the presenting complaint, "I can't squeeze my wife's breasts as hard as she wants during cunnilingus." They diagnosed, and successfully treated, adhesions in my shoulder rotator cuffs).

We still manage to have conventional intercourse four or five times a week, but we do usually need vaginal lubricant. She is still very multiply orgasmic and tosses and turns as enthusiastically as ever. I do also occasionally "come" between her breasts or between her bottom cheeks, but at the moment my medicine for benign enlarged prostate tends to cause reverse ejaculation (my sensation is unharmed, but the stuff runs up into my bladder instead of out the tip, which isn't quite as much fun for her. I have a urologist appointment next month).

As to play, it remains very much what it was when the newsgroup posting at the start of this thread was written. A good bit of foot and cock kissing, lots of very playful spanking. I like looking at her bottom so we think of tasks she can do while crawling around on the floor naked, e.g. turning on night lights. She still doesn't like bondage but has become much more cooperative in posing for bondage photos for me, that is, we use fake knots and cuffs so that she appears thoroughly bound in ways interesting visually for me without her feeling uncomfortable or too restricted for her to enjoy it.

Thorney

by Thorney on 2005 Feb 5 - 20:42 | reply to this comment

Your post makes me happy

Thorney,

I can not tell you how happy I am to read this. I never dreamed that our sex life could remain that good for that long. It inspires me to know that we will still be able to enjoy our sex life after we retire. This is another good reason to stay in shape and live a healthy life. Thank you very much for sharing this with us. You have given me something to look forward to. Your relationship seesm so great.

Take care,
Tevemer

by Tevemer on 2005 Mar 2 - 21:18 | reply to this comment

Beautiful.

Simply and utterly beautiful. I've always believed age should never put a damper on your sex life - and this proves it!

When I was in my early teens, there was a huge 'buzz' going around in my immediate family that my grandmother of 70+ years, had officially cut off my grandfather of 70+ years from sex, saying she no longer was interested. I swore then and there that I would NEVER do this to my husband (especially seeing the pain and frustration it caused my grandfather), lest a medical condition came up, and when I finally did get married, he also swore the same to me.

My only wish is that everyone should be so lucky as Thorney and Mrs. Thorney!

Bound

by BoundKitten on 2005 Mar 29 - 21:42 | reply to this comment

Okay, delicious and refreshing

You've given hope that obviously spans the generations. Thanks so much for sharing frankly and candidly. I'm 46 and am ready willing and able to play at all times, or nearly so. My mind is always there, and when my partner isn't into playing or having sex, I'm able to transport myself to my own brand of nirvana anyway. I write myself the scene or moment or encounter I crave, and find great satisfaction in titillating my better half with the product of my ever switched on erotic psyche. How blessed the two of you are to have found one another. It sounds as though you thoroughly resonate with each other in every sense. What a rare gift. Wow, what a great example for the rest of us!

by ameribritwife on 2005 Mar 30 - 00:24 | reply to this comment

Do couples really have regular sex?

My husband and I are middle-aged, been together about 10 years and have sex once every 1-2 months, IF I'm lucky!

He has very little desire, often says it's his age even though he's early 50's.

It's not just the lack of sex, he doesn't touch me sexually/playfully, period! doesn't cross his mind, even though I have explained my needs to him. If he doesn't want it/need it, apparently I don't either.

I guess some couples are very fortunate to have that intimate connection, some couples just don't have that, though it's not from lack of trying on my part.

All the best to those who are able to sustain satisfactory intimate relationship, at any age! if you don't get it, it is sadly missed.

Grace :-)

by Grace on 2005 Jun 14 - 16:16 | reply to this comment

Have you tried this?

Have you tried this? - Help! The one I love nowadays rarely wants sex!
(See also the comments on that article, one of which points out that there can sometimes be a physical reason for a lack of desire, which could be rectified through medical or other channels.)

See also, this comment and the replies to it. If you feel desperate for sex (and who can blame you!) you might inadvertently be putting heavy pressure on him to have sex, perhaps through comments, sighs, looks, or quite subtle things. All this is likely to make it very difficult for him not to feel completely put off the idea. That is a natural human reaction, unfortunate though it is. If you can (having checked that there is no physical cause) cut out all “you owe me this; it is your connubial duty; it is my conjugal RIGHT” thoughts, words, actions, and hints, and for a significant amount of time, it might help.

It might also be worth looking at your marriage more generally. These kinds of problems often indicate other problems, or that the entire structure of the relationship is not quite right, or that there is some kind of incompatibility, etc. Many write their spouses off as having a low sex drive, only to find that the spouse has a very high sex drive with someone else, or when they create a Taken In Hand relationship. Try to identify the reason for his lack of desire. That is where the solution will be found.

by the boss on 2005 Jun 14 - 17:03 | reply to this comment

No Pressure!

Hi the boss, thanks for your comments.

I dont think I put pressure on my husband, never have done, even he will admit to that, so I dont think I'm giving off too many sighs, or demands that will make him feel under pressure. He has openly admited that it's his problem and will get a physical, though he hasnt done yet (it's been about 5 years since things starting getting bad sexually).

The idea of "forcing" sex and maybe everything will work out isnt good for him, if I tried to initiate anything, even just a bit of playful fun, I would be re-buffed, not nastily, but rejected never the less.

The idea of abstaining, in every way wouldnt work because we do that anyway. Our kissing is not passionate, romantic or prolonged. He kisses me briefly the way he would kiss a child/friend/close acquaintance. I have tried to teach him, by showing him what I like, to give him ideas but he doesnt do it back.

I do believe there may be a physical underlying cause but he will not (even though he says he will on a number of occasions) get himself checked out.

I do not feel it is my right as his wife for us to have sex, I would just like to feel his appreciation of me sometimes, just because I'm me really.

As far as I know he wasnt exactly "swinging from the chandaliers" with his first wife either, and I am only his second sexual partner (as he is mine also). So he does not have other experience with other woman.

Although there may be a physical reason why there are problems, there are major mental blockages too, and no matter what we discuss, the final decision to do anything about it is down to him, I cannot force it.

Like most things in our relationship, unless I "push" it, or bring it up occasionally, it wont get done even if it is what he says he wants to do and asks me to remind him or help him. I can only do this if he reciprocates by doing his part also.

I wont write him off, just my frustrations rearing their ugly head at the moment!

Grace :-)

by Grace on 2005 Jun 14 - 18:06 | reply to this comment

No drive

It sounds as though he is depressed. He should definitely see the doctor and tell the doctor about all this.

by the boss on 2005 Jun 14 - 18:50 | reply to this comment

No Drive

My husband has no drive, either. His is both mentally and physically based - he is depressed, has ptsd, and is a diabetic. We have only been together for a year, and I am just now finding out why we have only had sex 4 or 5 times.

I do feel like sex is my RIGHT. And I don't think a person should stay in a relationship in which s/he is unhappy or unfulfilled.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Nov 9 - 20:13 | reply to this comment

We sympathise

I do feel that sex is a keystone of a relationship and if regular sex does not occur then it takes immense acceptance and forbearance from one partner, or both, to accept this. Indeed there never seems to be a partnership where both partners agree that the sex should be limited, spasmodic and brief. Mostly one of the two is frustrated and wonders whether or not to continue to be sexually frustrated. In the past, and today, many partners suffer this and think that it is something they just have to put up with.

However I think that it is unacceptable. It is a potential timebomb for the future and should be dealt with sooner rather than later. If the situation cannot be resolved over a period of time then a decision has to be made.

My wife and I have sex once a day at least. However I do not say this casually but to reinforce the importance of this facet of our lives, which we consider quite normal, and to reinforce the fact that sex 5 or 6 times a year is not what we would want. Others may be happy with this but as Taken In Hand relationship we would be going crazy.

No person should be afraid to reflect upon the dynamics of their relationship and act accordingly.

by Davidaze on 2005 Nov 9 - 22:20 | reply to this comment

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