Giving my best to my man who put his foot down

My man and I have a Taken In Hand relationship. It is unspoken, unlabeled, rather. In fact I had no name for it until stumbling across this website!

Early in our relationship, I would instigate reactions out of him on a regular basis out of sport for myself. One day he put his foot down and made it very clear he did not like my sport at all, even though I had meant it in friendly jest. I pouted for a while, but I stopped abruptly and no longer play like that. To do so would be crossing a line he has drawn for my behavior with him. It is much better in the long run for me to set aside my antics to please him because I value and respect him. I love who I am when in his company. I learned that day that testing him is not necessary. He learned that day that I take our relationship seriously.

To be clear, I must say that while he is definitely the caliber of man to do so, he has never spanked me in punishment. That said, I am fully in his hand! His eye and his tone set me straight in a way no other man might ever hope to strive for with me. I never want to weaken or lose that quality for either of us. I am quite afraid to transgress so much that he feels an earnest spanking is necessary. Knowing he will should he need to is enough for me at this point. In fact this is very the core of why I loved him from the beginning.

I do not need a babysitter. I am not a little girl. I am a woman. His woman. And I carry myself publicly in such a way as to bring him honor. Because the love he gives me is my honor, and my pleasure.

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Jessamy

Have you seen the following articles?
Do you have a commanding presence?
Taken In Hand relationships are hot and close
The sweetest “Benevolent Dictatorship” ever
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
Is this a victory?
Asserting dominance physically forcefully
Learning the ropes
Love and fear
The dynamics of our Taken In Hand relationship
Who needs forbidden fruit when you have this?

2005 Jan 23 - 09:03 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

It is indeed a Taken In Hand relationship

To the writer of this article – if you would like to give me a name, I will add attribution accordingly.

I am so glad that you describe your relationship is a Taken In Hand one – I get a bit despondent when I read posts that seem to assume that Taken In Hand is about physical control (spanking, etc.) so it is lovely to see that this misapprehension is not universal.

The love and respect you have for each other speaks volumes. So often, couples treat one another with casual disrespect, taking the view that one should be able to be rude to those to whom one is closest. But while I do think there should be room for fun and a little (kind) joke now and again, as Tevemer has said, often, that is not what is really happening. Often, the jokes are snide and the underlying attitude is contempt. One of the things I love about Taken In Hand is the high level of love and respect that there seems to be between individuals in Taken In Hand relationships.

by the boss on 2005 Jan 23 - 14:02 | reply to this comment

I Agree

I have posted several times here on what type of Taken In Hand relationship I'd want, and this article describes it perfectly.

I do not want to be spanked, except in fun, as a medical condition could make that dangerous for me. I do want, however, to know that my man has my best interests, and our best interests, in mind, and that he has other, less dangerous but equally effective, methods of maintaining our relationship.

Actually, this article describes the perfect factors in any type of relationship. How many parents, teachers, police officers etc wish they could deal with issues in this manner? What kind of society would we have if a look or word could re-establish control?

A better one, I'd say.

Here's to being Taken In Hand.

Sharon

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jan 23 - 18:31 | reply to this comment

Husband being the boss

I completely agree. I am happy that my husband has taken the role of being the leader. And as the leader he makes decisions with consideration for my views, yet the final decisions are definitely his.

I am happy to be led and controlled, though I do not want anybody to assume I am just a little lap dog, but I know that I am not managerial type, and I like the fact that he is.

I also agree with the writer who says that being Taken in Hand does not automatically assume that spanking is involved, but the fact remains that a leader has to punish as well as reward. But punishment need not be cruel or excessive.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jan 26 - 03:04 | reply to this comment

Punishment and reward

I do not agree that punishment has to be involved in a Taken In Hand relationship. It is quite possible for a woman to have submissive inclinations without any desire for punishment of any kind. Wanting a man to be in charge does not mean you have to want him to punish you. Bramble, for example, is a woman who is happy for her husband to be HOH, but without any punishment being involve in the relationship. Even in the days when it was assumed that a man would be HOh in a marriage, I don't think punishment was generally considered a normal part of the relationship. It is an optional, not compulsory feature of a Taken In Hand relationship.

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 26 - 08:41 | reply to this comment

Punishment is not equal to spanking

I think people in relationships punish each other whether they are spanking or not. We say harsh words, we withdraw from the conversation, we with hold sex, we yell, we curse, and we express our displeasure calmly. (This list is of course not complete.) Spanking is only one way of punishing. It happens to be one way that works very well for us. I find the word "punishment" a little distasteful actually. I like to think of it as discipline. We certainly discipline one another in all kinds of ways. In fact we certainly punished each other much, much more when we were strictly vanilla. What we were doing to each other was not always loving.

I found that Jessamy described perfectly how a husband could discipline his wife with out ever spanking her. It seems like a wonderful, warm, loving way of being taken in hand. Some of us go for spanking but that is because we are sexually attracted to either spanking, or spankers perhaps. For me spanking is a wonderful, warm and loving way to be taken in hand.

Unless both partners are perfectly logical, reasonable and even tempered all the time how could you have any relationship at all where there was never any discipline happening? Simply telling your spouse that he was careless with your feelings is a form of discipline. I think that there are healthy ways of disciplining one another and unhealthy ways. What one couple would consider healthy another would consider outrageous. I do not spank my husband, but I certainly let him know when he has been thoughtless or I am unhappy with him. Is this not a form of discipline?

Take care,
Tevemer

by Tevemer on 2005 Jan 26 - 21:56 | reply to this comment

Punishment

I don't personally think that letting someone know when you've upset them is the same as disciplining them. When the person commented above said 'a leader has to punish as well as reward', I got the impression they were talking about actual disciplinary action rather than just letting someone know you've upset them, which is something anyone might do. I think it is possible to have a Taken In Hand relationship without any kind of punishment/reward system.

When my husband curbs my occasional irritability by a word or a look, as he can, I think that's the kind of discipline that the article describes, and it could stop there. The spanking is something he does because he knows I want it, it's not what actually causes me to calm down and regain my temper. If I didn't have the craving to be spanked the relationship could work perfectly well without any kind of punishment.

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 27 - 02:49 | reply to this comment

Here! Here! the boss...

Since starting a more progressive Taken In Hand relationship a month ago, I felt initially it was all to do with punishments, correcting my behaviour, me learning to obey & submit and my husband to spank me harder and harder in order to get results.

Boy, was I wrong!...I have equated "good behaviour" with negative, painful punishments (upbringing), not taking in all the other areas of Taken In Hand into consideration, like a look, a tone, an authoratitive air and so on.

I enjoy a spanking, it can be erotic but I felt that it had to hurt incredibly and bring me to tears before it did me any good. Granted it opened communication between Bill and me, and it has allowed me to open up emotionally but what has happend is that my husband at times has shown me complete and utter devotion, care and respect for my feelings that I am finding I am responding better to his acts of "corrective kindness" ie: scolding, his tone, his body language, laying down the law, an alternative consequence that does not require a spanking, that I am resonding far better to that than "oh no, I've crossed the line again, I'm going to get another spanking".

What we have learnt is that my husband has to learn to be more vocal with me, express his displeasure in a verbal way, give me a warning, then if necessary a spanking if I continue to choose to do what is not allowed.

I am very fortune that my husband is the most gentle man you will ever come across. He rarely gets angry, and never has a temper, and I'm learning that I can trust him, even when I make mistakes, I am finally realising and accepting that I can be human around him (not that I couldn't before, this has been a trust lesson on my part).

I am more aware of my actions, my thoughts, and my feelings towards my husband, and I feel I am acting in a way which reflects this.

It is a great feeling that I have in knowing that my husband is assuming much more responsbility for me. I'm not talking about finances etc, but for me, my feelings, my needs and concerns and is so flexible in our approach to Taken In Hand that he will do whatever we feel will help us. If it doesn't work, then hey, we change tactics. The point is, we talk daily about what is happening between us and we are on a much greater intimate & spiritual level than we have ever been.

The outcome of this is my feelings for Bill are becoming stronger, the love and respect is growing with each passing day. I'm learning that no matter what I do, I know he will handle it accordingly. I'm starting to realise I'm safe with him and he will take me and our relationship in hand. I don't have to push or test him (though I'm not saying I won't, hey I can be a little madam at times) :-) but I'm confident in his approach to me as being the right one.

This has not necessarily been brought about because he spanks me, although I will admit that it has allowed a chance for me to open up. I find I don't need the spanking to feel safe to open up to him anymore.

I know my guidelines, I know that if I continue to cross the line, then yes, a spanking will be administered depending on the severity of the "crime", but there are other ways to correct, in love and respect.

This is some learning curve, isn't it? :-)

Marie

by Marie on 2005 Apr 28 - 13:18 | reply to this comment

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