Men taking responsibility

One of the finest results of a Taken In Hand relationship is that it frees and encourages a husband to take serious responsibility for his whole family – not just his wife.

In our case, my husband was always responsible and loving and involved, but since beginning our new relationship, he has become much more demanding of himself. In some ways, for the first time, he understands his importance as a leader for his children. I am finding that he takes the initiative in having discussions with our children, whereas before I was often the buffer between them. He is thinking seriously about how he wants his children to grow up and how he wants his household to function. This is a huge relief to me, and a tremendous gift to our children. He has also taken over handling the finances, which had always been a burden to me. Likewise, he is becoming more involved in our church and community.

It seems that our society – at least in the U.S. – has discouraged the leadership of husbands and fathers over the last couple of decades to the point where young men are assuming that women are responsible for the wellbeing of their families. The tragedy of this is seen in the appalling poverty level of single women and children, in men gleefully impregnating several women and taking responsibility for none, and in expecting women to be able to handle everything, including earning the money. It also results in women feeling foolish and strange if they long for a strong man to provide a safe harbor for them.

Thank goodness, some of us who feel this way have finally accepted our nature and are reaping the rewards. (And when I say this I don't mean every woman feels this way!!)

Charlotte

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Help! The one I love nowadays rarely wants sex!
Why you shouldn't mention the ‘M’ word
Reaching out by offering yourself
My first experiences of taking a woman in hand
Throw out the rules!
What the woman gets out of it
Total obedience?
Finding a good man
How can you submit when you feel frustrated?
The alpha male and masculine power

2005 Jan 17 - 08:50 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Male Responsibility

Yes! Right!

THIS is what women (in a Taken In Hand relationship) are truly looking for. Not just the love and care, not just the trust, although those are vitally important. It is the fact that the man is taking responsibility for what he wants authority over.

It is because of this need/want that I would willingly enter a Taken In Hand relationship. Not because I am lazy. Not because I don't care. But because this way of life holds both parties responsible for their behaviour, and the consequences for not following through go for both.

As long as my husband was willing to accept that he had certain obligations towards his family as part of being head of the household, and carried them through, and fully accepted the consequences of failure in that area, then I'd be willing to do the same. Not because it's in my nature, or because I have inner yearnings, but because there are always two sides to any relationship, and in this kind, my man and I are finally equal in responsibility and consequence.

Sharon

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jan 17 - 18:26 | reply to this comment

Male responsibility

I wholeheartedly agree!!! I read an article a while back that pointed out that there are a lot of tv shows that bash the man. He can work and pay the bills but the woman runs the show. He is painted as an oaf. He messes up and goes to the woman to fix it. They named specific shows, a few of which my husband and I enjoyed watching together. We joked that it was us they were talking about. When this point was made in the article I was beside myself. I realized how much we just let in in the name of entertainment not realizing that our kids are seeing this (and we have two boys). That they are seeing men portrayed poorly. At least 50 yrs ago when woman were portrayed in the submissive role- we weren't shown as bumbling idiots. I really agree with you and I think there are a lot more woman out there who would too.

by angelique on 2005 Jan 20 - 23:17 | reply to this comment

Bumbling idiots

Actually, there were quite a few TV shows around 50 years ago that portrayed the woman as a bumbling idiot, I Love Lucy, for instance, the Burns and Allen show, Life with the Lyons, I Married Joan. Not that I'm knocking any of these shows, they all starred great comediennes who were very funny, but they certainly did feature idiot women.

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 21 - 06:39 | reply to this comment

Love and Respect

My beloved husband has not been happier since we started this way of life, and its certainly not that I lack the intelligence or the skills to be able to keep the accounts or make financial or social decisions for the family - but - he NEEDS to have control over it.

Just as psychologically and emotionally women need to be loved, men need to be respected.

Love is being poured on me for giving him respect.

God, I love it!

A book recently fell into my lap - "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. (www.4-womenonly.com). I've just started reading it but it is backing up the principles of love for the wife and respect for the husband that we read about in Taken In Hand.

Cheers,

Suzette
"But sun it is not, when you say it is not, And the moon changes even as your mind: What you will have it names, even that it is, And so it shall be still, for Katharine."

by Suzette on 2005 Jan 21 - 08:58 | reply to this comment

Love and Respect

I'm not sure that my husband really does want respect more than love, he has always seemed to me to hunger more for love. He always used to say "I love you" to me far more often than i used to say it to him, he's a much more demonstrative person than I am. I'm not saying he doesn't like having more respect, or that he isn't happier that I pay more attention to his wishes, just that it's always seemed to me that the love matters more to him than the respect. I think I love him more as a result of our Taken In Hand relationship, but I don't think he loves me more than he did before, because I don't think that would be possible.

If anything, I think I feel that I am the one who is getting more respect these days, because he is more considerate of my feelings, in not losing his temper and shouting at me and stuff. I would say that the increase in respect is mutual, I certainly do feel more respect for him now that he controls himself so much more than he did, and also more love, but I definitely feel that he is respecting me more as well.

But then I think there are (fortunately) limits to how much deference he wants from me anyway. As far as I know, he has no desire for me to say that the sun is the moon or the moon is the sun or anything like that, and if he ever does get to that stage, then I think it will be time to get him certified.

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 21 - 11:31 | reply to this comment

I am glad someone brought up

I am glad someone brought up the issue of our boys seeing the denigration of men in the media. As the mother of a teenage son, I find that reprehensible! I take every opportunity to ask for my son's physical help (such as bringing in the groceries) and always tell him, "Gosh, it's so nice to have another man around the house." He has a girlfriend and I always encourage him to treat her well and consider her feelings, to stand up for her and think of her feelings before acting. I encourage him to follow his dreams (he's very artistic), but at the same time I remind him that he will be the head of a household someday and will be responsible for a wife and his children. In discussing issues of sexuality with him, I make sure he understands that if he brings a child into this world, HE is reponsible! Men are wonderful and I want my son to know that. Charlotte

by Charlotte on 2005 Jan 21 - 14:12 | reply to this comment

Head of the household

The only trouble with reminding him that he will be the head of a household someday is that he might end up married to a woman who doesn't view their marriage in that light. I don't personally know any young people who think of their relationships in those terms. I have tried to imagine what my own firstborn's reaction might be if I told him he'd be the head of a household one day, and can only visualise incredulous disbelief, "Mum, what ARE you talking about?" is about the mildest reaction I can think of, and he might express himself in rather stronger terms. I certainly couldn't imagine him in an HOH relationship with his ex-fiancee, and if he ever gets around to having another girlfriend, I doubt it would be any different. I don't think most young men expect to be heads of households nowadays, and on the whole I think that is a good thing. I think HOH relationships are something that should be privately negotiated between couples, rather than taken for granted.

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 21 - 17:52 | reply to this comment

I agree with Charlotte!

It sounds like, if I'm understanding her point, that Charlotte is just saying that families are stronger when there are two strong, reliable, loving role models. Some of us lacked one or the other of these role models when we were growing up, so for some of us, we just want to provide that kind of comfort and security for our children.

It's not that women can't successfully raise children on their own. Many women have done it (my own mother included) on their own. But I think Charlotte is saying how preferable it is to have a strong and loving, but traditonal male/female relationship.

I have had my share of relationship problems. However, I have been lucky enough to meet and marry a MAN who values me as a woman, lover, partner, and mother.

Our children are happy, and our marriage is a solid, loving, and strong relationship. One of the reasons my husband and I are so happy and balanced is because we are comfortable and accepting of our different roles in the household and relationship.

I will say it again -- we are all different, and what works for some couples doesn't work for other couples. But, it seems to me that most of us just want a loving relationship with the person we care about.

by babydoll on 2005 Jan 23 - 08:44 | reply to this comment

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