I did stay home for a number of years, mainly because we had too many children to make childcare a reasonable (affordable) choice. I loved being at home with my kids but knew it would end as soon as I could hold down a full time job.

We could have lived on one salary--his or mine--for a number of years, but we knew we would be in a financial bind when our kids reached college age. Next year we will have three in college, they will have jobs, one has a scholarship--but we will be paying out of state tuition for another. My entire annual salary will go to education costs. Yikes.

I'm not complaining, I knew when they were babies that this was how it would be, and I like my job. Hubby decided to get our house paid off a while back, so that helps, and we still live in our 'starter' home.

Life would be far less hectic if I could stay home! But then, life would have been less hectic without kids, too.

I'm not superwoman, and everyone helps with the house and hubby does all of the grocery shopping, menu planning and at least half the cooking. I usually arrive home later than he does, plus I have to attend and also teach seminars for further education in my field many evenings and weekends.

I don't know a single woman with school aged or older kids who doesn't work outside the home, so to me it seems normal.

I find it very difficult to work fulltime. I have always been exhausted by it - even before my body decided it was too sick to handle it. Fulltime work saps me of all my creative powers and I feel so drained and dead.

Some of this I think has to do with my task... what I believe I am meant to complete. I'm a born writer and I can write all day and night and feel so energised that even my husband can see a change between when I'm writing and when I am not.

"You look so happy... glowing... you've been writing, uh?"

I'm working hard to keep a balance between writing and keeping the hearth, home, and husband healthy and happy.

We have started talking about it: artistic life -vs- money. He is truly listening to me, and I know that he puts my happiness very high on the list.

He has given me the directive to continue to look for part time work - and also to work on my writting - with a view to getting some published.

My thought is - are all women really able to lead a happy life and do fulltime work outside of the home? - not for me it seems.

Cheers,

Suzette

"But sun it is not, when you say it is not, And the moon changes even as your mind: What you will have it names, even that it is, And so it shall be still, for Katharine."

Whether a wife stays home to care for her husband and children or decides to work outside the home has little to do with being taken in hand. IMO being taken in hand has to do with the the interaction between a man and a woman in a committed relationship. How they decide to arrange their family life has litte to do with it. Who can know what financial and personal circumstances each couple must face when making these kind of decisions.

I respect those women who make the decision to stay home and raise children despite the financial sacrifice such a decision often incurs. My wife stayed home while the kids were young. It is a sad fact that among certain groups there seems to be a bias against women who make the decison to stay home. Somehow they interpret it as a betrayal of what feminists have struggled for over the last few decades. However, in recent months I have read articles in several publications, one being the NY Times, and watched a 60 minutes episode which reported how educated women are leaving prestigious, highly paid work to raise their children. According to these reports, it is not just a select few women, but represents a real demographic change - at least in the United States. But all of these women are married to men who make a good living wage which can afford these women to make this choice. Unfortunately, due to limited financial resources, many families are not able to make this choice. That doesn't mean they can't have a Taken In Hand relationship.

IMO, a male-led, Taken In Hand relationship depends not so much on how family life is structured, but by how he takes on the responsibility of leading and caring for his wife and family.

I would certainly agree with you that deference could be difficult, if not impossible in some areas, children would be top of the list with me too. I would not be happy about going out to work while my children are still young, though in our case as I've already said,it would be likely to be a futile gesture anyway, since anything I earned would almost certainly be entirely absorbed by childcare costs. And I wouldn't have been happy about leaving the children with a babysitter when they were babies, fortunately the situation was never a question for conflict, as neither of us are much given to going out in the evenings anyway, we're both always too exhausted!

There has been a certain amount of conflict over the children in the past, our styles of parenting being somewhat different, but these days things work out better. I try to be more supportive of his attitude towards the children, and in return he is more willing to compromise on issues concerning them that I feel strongly about. I learnt the hard way that it is better to tell him if there is something I feel strongly about, rather than trying to keep quiet about it.

There was an incident a few months ago when he was laying down the law about something, and I was fuming inside, but I didn't say anything, because I thought if I was trying to be submissive, there was no point in doing it only when it was convenient for me. So I flounced out to the kitchen and next thing I knew he'd grabbed my hand and was steering me in the direction of his workshop. "But I haven't done anything!" I protested. "Outright defiance and insolence" he replied. "I never said a word!" i argued. "You didn't have to" he retorted "it was in your face and your body language" I was so startled by his use of the words "body language" that I had no further protest (I would have put money on him not knowing what it meant)anyway, after he'd finished showing me the error of my ways, he himself suggested a reasonable compromise to the issue that had annoyed me, something I could have suggested myself if I hadn't had the mistaken idea that I couldn't speak my mind.

But certainly if something really serious came up, like if he wanted me to put the three-year-old in a fulltime nursery and go back to work full-time, I would say "no way!" Deference has to have its limits, and that would definitely be one of mine. In the end, the children come first. "are the children all right?" is always the question uppermost in my mind, and if the answer to that is "yes" then nothing else really matters by comparison.

Louise,

I completely lost my ability to breathe while reading your post describing your husband's response to your "Outright defiance and insolence" I thought my knees would go out from under me for a minute or two. That was a very sexy, exciting story. Jeez! Your husband is quite the dominant man. I assume you appreciate him very much, but just in case there are days you don't, remember that incident lives up to any erotic spanking story I've ever read! Of course you didn't give the intimate details they give in the stories-darn! Just kidding about the intimate details of course.

I do love reading your posts. Keep up the good posting!

forty something wife

I stayed home when our children were young. Our youngest just turned 16 but when she was 10 months old I returned to work and I couldn't do it I went back home.
My husband has always been supportive of me of anything I wanted to do that is work related and there were sacrifices but I would do it all again. I admire you in your decision to remain home.

As for me? Three of our children are grown and doing well. It is such a satisfaction for me to know that I was with them when they were young and that they have turned out to be able to live on their own and they are really nice people. To me there is nothing more important than raising our children. Our youngest is still home and I know I will miss her when she leaves. I actually thought I would be a mother who would not worry about the empty nest but found myself in tears last week knowing we just have her for just a few more years. I feel blessed because I work when she is at school and then I am home.

Anyway, I too have enjoyed your posts and I enjoy your honesty in the things that you share about.

Given the choice I would definitely want to stay home with my children. It has become a matter of discussion for us because I want children, but only on my terms (that I can stay home with them full time until the age of 5). If I can't have them on my terms, I don't want to have them. Unfortunately in our case that means I won't be likely to have them. I am a teacher with massive student loans, and currently any spare income I get I need to put into furthering my education. My boyfriend makes decent money, but he is self-employed and his pay is often unpredictable. He wants children, and insists that he can't see me giving up the opportunity to be a mother one day.

I'm just not sure I could leave my babies everyday. Kids are resilient. I was never hurt by going to a sitter or staying with my grandmother, but I saw the way it hurt my mother when she worked second shift. She was heartbroken leaving her children, especially knowing we would be long asleep by the time she got home. I'm not sure I'd have the strength to do it.

I am guessing that the vast majority of Taken In Hand wives do not work. Many of the women find home life and full time work just don't mix. I just feel that when babies come along a woman needs to give up everything for her man and his children. Our home life is stable, warm, calm and a beautiful environment, and I feel very proud to have contributed to this wonderful life our family have. We don't have a lifestyle flowing with money, latest gadgets,stunning holidays or two cars in the drive. If I worked maybe that would happen..but my Husband is content with a stay at home wife who loves, supports and obeys him. I also I have a son who is 8 months old whom I am exclusively breastfeeding, so I feel blessed that I don't work. My husband and baby come first.

I am a full-time working mother. I have a 4 month old daughter after many years of believing that it would never happen. She is our miracle child, having gotten preggers without benefit of meds which is what every doctor told me would have to happen.

That being said, I love my job and I am the main bread-winner in our household. My husband is starting a new career. Since we married 15 months ago, my income is our sole stability financially.

Fortunately, my career is such that I can work from home most weeks and have been able to limit the amount of travel to client sites to once a month instead of 3 weeks out of the month. Financially, we would have to make the best of it if my company had not been able to accomodate my desires about travel.

I love being home with my child although she does go to daycare 2 days a week to give me and my husband uninterrupted days to work. Otherwise we share the child-rearing duties, one taking her in the morning and one taking her in the afternoon. It works for us.

We are new to this site and although I do not have a strict Taken in Hand relationship at this point, we have been moving towards this since before we had a name for it. I do not believe that a Taken In Hand relationship requires that the woman want/has to stay at home. It is really an issue for each individual couple in this.