In my room

In my perfect world... I believe it's the man's job to create a safe environment for him and his S/O to enter. If you can imagine... a room with no windows and only one door. No way in or out, except through that door. The man's job is to secure that room and protect it from intrusion. He brings his S/O into that room and secures the door behind him.

In this room it is safe. Everything and anything said in this room, stays in this room. There is a complete freedom to express all thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams, without the fear of any repercussions. It is a place for complete honesty. She trusts him to protect the integrity of that room. He trusts her to keep his words in that room. Communication in here is used to connect, not to be used as ammunition in future disagreements. Protecting the intimacy is vital. The couple shares responsibility of the integrity of that room. If broken, the ability to trust the other again will become a barrier to connection.

The purpose of this room is to remove barriers that might be hidden deep within. Exposing demons (past issues that haven't been properly put away) and dealing with them together, as a couple, instead of them being fought off individually. Each demon that is dealt with, each issue that is resolved, solidifies an even deeper connection as you learn to trust each other more and more. This trust becomes so deep, the feeling of connection, trust, security, love, passion, it is almost hypnotic.

We often hear about subspace, but I believe there is an analogous state of mind in the dominant man too. You are so deep with your partner in your own world – the one that you have created together – that nothing else matters. You feel completely connected to each other, blissful, at peace.

Sometimes, getting your S/O into that room isn't easy – she wants to go, but barriers get in the way: emotions, attitude, behavior harmful to the relationship, a lack of confidence in him or just plain bitchiness. It isn't that she doesn't want to go there – she just can't. His job is to remove those barriers.

Sometimes it takes discipline. Sometimes it takes giving her some flowers and reminding her how special she is, Sometimes it takes listening – listen up guys! Not necessarily having an answer for her, but at least hearing her issue. I think men like to problem-solve, and I know I get frustrated when I don't have answers. I've learned it is OK for me not to have the answers but more than OK for me to just listen and really hear what she's saying.

Unresolved issues form a barrier that keeps you from connecting. Certain physical acts can put up an instant barrier because of past abuse issues left unresolved. In this room you can talk about those issues and perhaps resolve it by talking it out with your loved one. She may find he loves her anyway, or perhaps, even more because she's trusted him with a secret that she's guarded for so long. There is confidence that builds when you know you and your partner will battle these demons together.

I'm not one that makes a lot of rules for the sake of having rules. The rules that are in place are ones that protect the relationship and ones that ensure I get the best effort from my partner. Attitudes, withdrawal of communication, neglect of specific duties, are the foundation for rules that eliminate the power struggle. Understanding we have individual needs, and sometimes an individual's needs need to be met to make the relationship better. Balancing between the individual needs and the relationship needs are a fine line.

Decisions that are made should not jeopardize the integrity of the relationship or the individual. If the man acts with integrity and shows he doesn't take the shortcuts when no one is looking, she will see this and learn to trust his decisions and give him the benefit of the doubt when in doubt.

Taking her in hand in this ‘room’ can provide a feeling of protection, safety, intimacy, care, devotion, and love between you. It's a powerful and wonderful dynamic.

Fosti

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Have you seen the following articles?
Why is BDSM so popular?
Why you should not withhold spanking!
Maintenance spanking
Why would a women want to be spanked?
The dual failures of men
Why men start and why they stop
The dynamics of our Taken In Hand relationship
Why would anyone want to be controlled by a man?
The difference between dominant and domineering
The erotic power of unshackled male dominance

2005 Jan 18 - 10:21 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Our Room

Fosti,

This article really spoke to me. As the woman in the relationship, I know when we are not in that room. It is frustrating because I am not able to bring us there on my own. He needs to do that, through his leadership of our relationship. When he lets things slide we both wonder why. As my husband and I grow and change, my husband is more and more able to use his own judgment to keep us in a space where we are connected. It has taken some time, but there is nothing more attractive to me than a man with the confidence to lead. I am not sure I will ever understand how you guys just know what we need. If my husband trusts his judgment he has always been on the mark. It is when he second guesses himself that we seem to slip a bit. We have had a lot of conversations over the last year and a half where my husband has said, "I know I should have spanked you 3 days ago; then none of this would have happened." But as his confidence grows it seems to be less and less frequent.

Thanks for the great article. I had never thought of it in quite that way before.

Take care,
Tevemer

by Tevemer on 2005 Jan 18 - 14:50 | reply to this comment

Nicely Put

The room metaphor gets my attention. Working things out, whether through the gift of roses or thorns, the caress of one's hand or the whip, keeps the relationship honest.

And sometimes the gift of silence, finally allows a woman to speak her mind.

Thanks for the insight.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jan 19 - 03:01 | reply to this comment

In the Room, literally

I take the metaphor of the room literally. My lover is an architect and has designed everything in his apartment, including a bedroom which is just perfect. It is there, inside the pale blue walls under the skylight, that he takes me in hand best. It is easier for us to do this in an intimate space, more so than in public...perhaps we are not far along enough yet to be public with our "orientation". So our most intimate moments, whether in sex, DD or deep conversation, are within those walls, where it is his primacy and guidance that I crave and receive. I will probably always remember the exact shade of those blue walls, the shape of the eaves and the pinpricks of stars through that skylight, because they are my witnesses as I am loved, corrected and known in that room.

Cicely

by Cicely1 on 2005 Jan 21 - 23:32 | reply to this comment

No way out

Like everyone else who has commented, I love this metaphor and the intimacy and connection it represents. I must confess though, that in my private fantasy version, the room has no door, no windows, no way out.

For me, there is no conflict between intimacy and connection and warmth and protection on the one hand, and control and ownership on the other.

To be sure, this would not be most women's cup of tea, and it would not have been mine when I was 18, but it certainly is now.

by the boss on 2005 Jan 23 - 15:11 | reply to this comment

No way out?

> I must confess though, that in my private fantasy
> version, the room has no door, no windows, no way out.

I'd bet you are not the only one. There are women who'd run away from their safe haven if only they had an opportunity, just to feel lost and empty and bored after their escape attempt succeeded. But when facing an opportunity to put an end to those feelings they fight tooth-and-nail to steer clear of the paradise they are dreaming about.

Why? Because this paradise is sexist and threatens their freedom. Why then they are dreaming about it? Because without it they feel lost end empty and bored. It's one of the paradoxes of the human psyche.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 May 12 - 10:36 | reply to this comment

This is a very good analogy..

This is a very good analogy... creating safe and secure spaces is incredibly important.

However I am intrigued in how to project such security into the space outside the room. I have certainly learned that some women greatly benefit from the panoptical survey of their life and that this can greatly help them acquire the self-discipline they require to exercise competence in the public domain while enjoying the security of knowing that they are in submission to a real power.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 May 13 - 13:05 | reply to this comment

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