One of the problems that you might come across is “When is it a Taken In Hand relationship, and when is it abuse?”

Most of us have a gut feeling about that, but Taken In Hand relationships being what they are, you may find your gut feeling and mine are not even close.

There is sometimes a confusion between personal limits – “No way would I do that!” – and objective limits – “No way should anyone do that!”

So we need to find an answer to “when is it abuse?” – a general answer that can be a guide for all sorts of different preferences and relationship styles.

The problem is that there are so many different preferences that coming up with objective limits is hard. Yeah, you can say “no amputations” but face it... plenty of people are being abused every day and not losing limbs or being killed. You can focus on physical damage and miss emotional abuse.

Remember also that men can be abused too. They can be pressured into doing things they don't want to do, manipulated, made to feel guilty, not get what they need from the relationship... We usually focus on the woman because the man is seen as less vulnerable, but women can be manipulative leeches, and men can be prisoners of their dominant role.

So how can you tell if it's abuse? And once you have decided that there is abuse, what next? I think that you can't do anything but help the person involved think about their situation, and offer them help to get out or solve it if they decide they need such help. You can't ‘rescue’ them, you can only offer them the means to rescue themselves and support when they are ready to do it.

There are three main areas to think about:

1. How to tell if you are being abused or abusing someone.
2. How to tell someone you think they are suffering or committing abuse, and what to do about it.
3. How to deal with someone telling you they think you are suffering or committing abuse, and you think they are mistaken.

1. What is abuse in this context? I offer these possible guidelines in no particular order. I'm talking about relationships.

Is it Safe, Sane, and Consensual?

Safe: Both individuals know the risks and have minimised them to both people's satisfaction.

Sane: Both are capable of knowing what they are getting into, and are capable of informed consent.

Consensual: Both consent to what is happening and have a reasonable idea of what they are consenting to. The consent is free and not coerced by fear of something nasty happening, whether that nasty thing is physical harm or psychological harm, fear of the partner leaving, or of being called a wimp or whatever.

Is your relationship informed by Trust, Care, and Respect?

Trust: Your partner behaves predictably; you aren't walking on eggshells around them not knowing if they will go ballistic at something that was OK yesterday. You know what they will do, and you are happy with what they will do.

Care: Your partner cares about your welfare, your emotional and physical wellbeing. This applies no matter what kind of relationship you have.

Respect: Your partner respects you as a human being; they respect your choices, your abilities. They should value you as more than a convenient body.

Does the good outweigh the bad?

In any relationship there will be times when the bad feelings seem overwhelming. But if that seems to be always happening, then there is a problem. You may often have bad moments, bad days. But you shouldn't be having mostly bad times, and you should be getting enough good times.

Are you getting your needs met?

Each partner has the right to get what they need out of the relationship. Are you getting what you need? Not just erotic needs, (although they are important) but physical and emotional needs as well. If you are getting almost all, it may be OK, but if you look at what you need and you aren't getting it... then that's a danger sign. (Be careful about distinguishing desire from need.)

2. OK... so you have a friend you think is being abused, or you think that what someone has written on the internet is evidence that there is a problem. What do you do?

It's tricky. The person will likely not believe there is a problem. They may be quite happy, just playing at a level or with a kink you are not comfortable with. They may be convinced that they are supposed to feel the way they feel. Or they may be unwilling to face the idea that what was good is now bad for whatever reason. If it is a dominant man, he may feel that as he is the one who is in control, he can't admit to feeling bad.

This might be especially difficult when someone is in a relationship with deep dominance and submission. A women might feel that because she asked to live under the authority of her man, she has to take what comes. She might think that she has given consent in the beginning and everything else is just her lot. She might feel honour-bound to ‘keep her word’ to keep her self-respect. Even if she is unhappy, she may find it impossible to deal with the idea of breaking that bond. Such women aren't being stupid or suicidal, they have a very real and difficult problem.

Here are some ideas....

• Don't be negative about either partner. Don't say the person or their behaviour is bad. You might think it is so, but attacking in that way is no way to get someone listening to you.

• Get them talking about how they feel. Get them thinking about the points above. The first thing someone who is truly being abused (or is abusing) has to do is realise it is going on.

• Offer them help, no strings attached. Start with just a “if you want to talk it over, and get your head straight about the things I've been saying, then you can talk to me any time. I will help you get it sorted.” Be very clear that you are not judging, not interfering, just offering an ear and help in sorting feelings. If you want to offer other help, then go for it, but probably best to wait and see how they go. Don't overwhelm them; it's a difficult time.

• Try to understand their state of mind. It can be hard to do, but you need to stand in their shoes, think with their emotions in order to communicate with them. A dominant man whose submissive partner is emotionally abusing him may not be able to deal with the idea that he is not in control, for example. If you can get yourself into that mindset you may be able to offer help in a way that does not conflict with pride.

3. Lastly... someone thinks that you yourself are being abused. You think they have the wrong end of the stick; how do you cope?

I don't think a simple denial is useful. You won't convince them, you'll just make them think that you are not thinking properly. Nor is it right to jump on them from a great height and tell them they are idiots for even thinking such things. They aren't idiots, they are just not fully informed. They want the best for you, so accept their concern.

The best bet is to show them where you fit in the abuse pointers above. If they think that what you are doing is risky, tell them what risks you see and how they have been minimised. If they worry about whether you are getting your needs met, then reassure them by telling them about some. If they seem to have a feeling that your partner is a bit deficient in trust, caring, and respect, then give them some examples that show the solid basis you have.

And you never know.... you might then find that things are not as good as you thought. Which then gives you the opportunity to repair your relationship before it goes bad. Or get out if you suddenly realise your concerned friend was right.

COPYRIGHT Zebee Johnstone - all rights reserved. For permission to reproduce this, email silverozgmail.com.

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