Do you need more attention in your relationship?

Having a good relationship requires, amongst other things, that the individuals devote attention to one another. When life intervenes, and attention is lacking, one or other person can sometimes start to feel bad, start to miss the other person, start to miss engaging with the other person. This is not necessarily a sign that the person needs to toughen up and become less vulnerable, it is part of what it means to be human. Those who are happy not to see or talk to their spouse week in, week out may be proud of their psychological independence, but if you have a deep, intimate connection with someone, it is natural to want to engage with that person.

In some relationships, when people feel a lack of engagement, they are unable to express that openly and honestly. In many cases, they are unable to admit even to themselves that they feel such a lack. People think they should not feel like that. They see their need for engagement with the person they love as being a childish need for attention. Adults are supposed to be over that, they think. We're supposed to be independent and invulnerable. We're not supposed to need anyone.

And so, they panic. They start throwing damning-sounding labels around, and wondering if they need therapy. They despise their ‘co-dependency’ and deny their human need for attention and engagement with the one they love.

But because they do need attention, they are drawn, unconsciously, to destructive actions. They sulk, snap at the person when he or she is there, and pine when he or she is not. They are less kind, less accommodating, more defensive. They might pick fights.

None of this is necessarily conscious or intentional, and sometimes, even when those acting in these destructive ways can see that this is what they are doing and want to stop, they are unable to, because there is still a problem to solve – still a lack of engagement.

You might think that the answer to this problem is to lead ever more separate lives, working towards not needing the other person at all. After all, you would not want to demand more than the other person is willing to give. Demanding more than the other person wants to give is a recipe for trouble, as I have argued before. So having a goal of not needing the other person can be a valiant and honourable attempt not to impose on the other person.

But just what exactly is the point of being in a relationship if it is only theoretical and in your own mind? A relationship implies a connection between two individuals. If the relationship does not involve engaging with the other person, it is not a relationship you have, it is a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy; but don't confuse that with having a relationship.

Forget the ghastly psychobabble labels; forget the self-deprecation; forget the goal of not needing the other person. Instead, work towards being honest and open about your desire for engagement, without imposing on the one you love. The more you can be open-hearted and honest about your feelings, the easier it will be to meet your need for engagement in the relationship, and the less you will find yourself acting destructively.

In a Taken In Hand relationship, as Charlotte's example shows, and as Horst has indicated, a little connecting spanking can go a long way.

the boss

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Women want men who are more dominant
Help! The one I love nowadays rarely wants sex!
What I get out of it
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
How I became submissive
Happy living in fear of a man?
Creating un unbreakable bond of love takes time
Romantic rituals for the taken in hand
The paradox of the strong and submissive woman
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance

2005 Jan 8 - 06:55 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Whaaa?

Why would spanking help if I need attention it's the last thing I'd want.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jan 8 - 07:33 | login or register to post comments

The One Doesn't Follow the Other

Of course everyone wants attention and of course lack of attention is destructive to a relationship. Why the solution is "a connecting spanking" is what I would question. It can be a nice thing to do together, sure, especially if it lands one into a tumble into bed. But is that what Horst is talking about? I don't think so.

People can pay attention to each other in a lot of ways, but watching for and striking fast to quell any hint of rebellion isn't the way for an adult relationship to proceed.

"Pat"

by "Pat" on 2005 Jan 8 - 18:40 | login or register to post comments

It depends on the meaning you attach to it

If you are the sort of person for whom spanking is an expression of the relationship you love, then it might well be a very connecting thing. It might be an expression of your man's authority over you, which if you are Taken In Hand, you will probably like. It might mean that your man is reinforcing his love for you. It might well represent attention. It might herald a cosy connecting talk between you.

It depends what meaning you attach to it. For many Taken In Hand people, it has positive, warm associations, not negative ones.

by the boss on 2005 Jan 11 - 09:19 | login or register to post comments

Deep connection, not micromanagement

Pat, in my experience, this really depends on the way one is 'wired.' For those of us who are wired this way, spanking can be a very important form of intimacy, much more than just a 'light spanking before bed.' As sexy as that can be in itself, of course, there is another kind of spanking that lowers emotional defences and allows for the recipient to feel safely vulnerable in a way that might not be possible otherwise. For the spanker, this kind of spanking brings out deep-seated feelings of protectiveness and nurturing. For both partners, it is something that both enhances and embodies the profound trust they have in their relationship.

by Max Maximovich on 2005 Jan 12 - 07:33 | login or register to post comments

Getting attention

How do you get attention from your husband if he's always on the computer or sitting in front of the box? Reading about these Taken In Hand relationships I'm envious ... can't see where my husband's ever going to get off his ass to whip mine... or to talk to me like im his wife. Any help with this problem would be appreciated.

DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 10 - 20:16 | login or register to post comments

How to get more attention from your husband

My husband is a good man but he gets so involved in his internet groups and blogs that I often feel neglected. He doesn't seem to give much priority to talking to me as opposed to having big arguments on the internet.

I don't want to make him feel bad and I don't want to make him feel like he's got to talk to me instead of arguing on the internet but I do want more attention.

Please help! What can I do? How can I get more attention?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Oct 9 - 19:15 | login or register to post comments

When I want attention I wear

When I want attention I wear my one really sexy piece of lingere. I sit down next to him and just snuggle into him. If he's doing something at the computer I'll plop down on the floor and just lean my head on his lap. Sometimes he is really busy and it takes him a minute or so to respond but he knows exactly what I want.

Just wearing that outfit is an invitation for him to make love to me (one that I know he's not likely to resist), and he wouldn't dream of making love to me with out giving me the attention and cuddles that I need and crave so much afterward.

Another thing I'll do is invite myself into his shower. If he makes a comment about wanting to take a shower I'll simply ask him if he wants company. Even very busy men have to shower, so I know that I will be able to get some of his time in there. It's not just about sex, in fact mostly it isn't about sex. It's about being close to him, touching each other as we wash eachother's hair, and believe it or not, talking about mundane day to day things that I want to share with him.

I've also found that if I put in one of his movies or turn the television to a ball game I can get his attention. If I show an interest in things he is interested in it gives us a chance to interact (if not necessarily talk). I can snuggle up to him as we watch a martial arts movie and make fun of the dubbing, or ask him questions about the baseball game we're watching. In those moments I get to know him. I learn why these things are special to him.

I think as women we have such a need for our men to be interested in us and understand us, and we sometimes forget how important it is to take an interest in them and pay attention to what they want and need. It is my experience that when I give attention I get his attention, and I don't even have to nag.

by cj on 2005 Oct 10 - 01:27 | login or register to post comments

The internet

In my case I tend to be the one who gets involved in discussions on the Interent, my husband mostly regards the amount of time I spend on the computer with tolerant contempt (he despises the Internet).

He does get irritated sometimes though, and if he talks to me while I'm on the computer and I don't reply he'll then say "Turn the bloody thing off and LISTEN to me."

I do realise that is probably a bit too abrupt in your case though. Perhaps you could try asking him about the discussions he's involved in and expressing opinions about what's being said etc? Maybe that way you could get him interested in talking to you rather more and his Internet chums rather less?

by Louise C on 2005 Oct 10 - 08:22 | login or register to post comments

My husband and I have been ma

My husband and I have been married for 28 years, and our relationship is wonderful, but I would like it to move into the Taken In Hand level. The barrier to this is that my husband has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. He is very successful in his profession, and in organizing our home and finances, etc, but there's no structure in our marital relationship, so it's difficult for him to be consistent in in his attention to me. Any suggestions as to how a Taken In Hand relationship would work when the HOH has ADHD?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Nov 5 - 02:38 | login or register to post comments

It seems to me that if he lea

It seems to me that if he learned to be successful in his profession and in juggling home finances despite ADHD, he could manage to be successful in a Taken In Hand relationship (if that's what you both want to do). It may take more time for him to get to a place where he can consistently pay attention to some details that you'd like him to, but if he learned to pay attention to details and work and in the finances, it would seem to me that he could learn to pay attention to details in the relationship too, probably using many of the same stratagies he has already developed to use other times when his complete attention is necessary.

Having ADHD does not take away someone's ability to be a leader in life, or in a relationship. Like other things in life, he just may have to work a little harder at it.

by cj on 2005 Nov 5 - 22:33 | login or register to post comments

And what about more attention from a woman?

And what when I want to get more attention from my wife? When she is always sitting in front of the box. being with me, but also not. It's like living with a plant you just have to feed and sometimes gives you a kiss or more.

When I buy her something she's happy for a midday and then she's back to her usual state.

'Niels'

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Feb 23 - 20:27 | login or register to post comments

To Niels

I know my husband feels that way about me sometimes. When he's trying to talk to me and I'm reading or watching TV or on the computer, "You're not listening to a bloody word I say, are you?" he says in exasperation. "Yes, I am" I say, whereupon he usually demands that I repeat what he has just said (occasionally I can).

I mean, I don't ignore my husband on purpose, but often I am just absorbed in something else. Is this how your wife is, or is she really not interested in paying attention to you even she is aware that you want her to? If so, maybe you need to discuss with her what is wrong.you shouldn't have to buy her something to get her affection and attention. I like it if my husband buys me something (though actually I prefer shopping for myself), but it's not among the things he does for me that most inspires affection in me.

If you're not happy with the way things are you should talk to her about it. I used to keep things that bothered me to myself and not talk about them, but in the end I found it was much better if I did talk about them. You have the right to expect more from your wife than you would from a plant.

by Louise C on 2006 Feb 24 - 04:27 | login or register to post comments

I know the feeling

I myself have went through the same thing. I would work 6 days a week and finally when I have a day off, my wife would sit and read a book instead of spending TLC time with me. Finally that situation lead to the end of our marriage. I was dumb founded. It turns out that the reason that she would always read a book and become distant from me is because she did not know how to talk to me any more. Which later turned into not loving me. I feel that if I tried harder, and tried more often to take her out of her routine (dinner, movie, etc...) things might have turned out better for us. I would take this as a sign that communication is lacking in your relationship. Try doing something to respark the flame that may be missing. If this does not work, at least you had a night that was completely about satisfying each others needs and passions.

by soulresistant on 2006 Feb 25 - 19:33 | login or register to post comments

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