Prevention is better than cure
Thinking in terms of discipline often sets the focus too much on what happens after the Taken In Hand woman has failed to obey her man, and too little on prevention. If she disobeys, yes, punishment is in order. But given that they have both chosen to be in a male-led relationship, the man must bear some of the responsibility for such disobedience. The woman's failure is his failure too.
Instead of putting all the blame on the woman, the man can take the view that if the woman has not obeyed him properly she has not been taught properly. A little humility of this sort is more likely to elicit the woman's devotion and future obedience than harshly blaming her for everything would. If a man has to punish, in most cases he should do so with a loving spirit.
But I think that it would be better to focus on what happens before the trouble starts. Acting after trouble has already been caused is a common mistake, as anyone who is in charge of others can tell you.
Corrections can be made more tender and easy for both man and woman if the man has better control during the time they spend together. That is easier said than done. It requires more attention and patience, but a loving man is willing to devote time and attention to his woman. Taking her over his knee for a few slaps three times a day is likely to make it unnecessary to give her the cane once a week.
Being strict means watching her carefully. It is not unknown for a woman to disobey in a silent or hidden way, hoping that her man is a lazy disciplinarian. If the man lets her get away with little things disobedience will grow. Her disobedience will grow because what she really wants in her heart of hearts is for her man not to let her get away with it. When he notices and acts, he is clearly paying attention. To teach obedience, give clear orders and remember to check the results.
One cause of disobedience is mixed hidden messages like: “Do as I tell you, or I'll punish you; but if you do as I tell you, I will treat you disrespectfully.” The obedience of a woman in a Taken In Hand relationship comes not out of weakness, it comes out of devotion. So the message should be more like this: “I demand your obedience because it makes me happy.”
Again that is not easy. We live in a culture where obedience and devotion is despised. It may be more difficult to get rid of this attitude than you might think. But men and women in Taken In Hand relationships owe it to themselves to try.
The same is true of control. Being controlled in a Taken In Hand relationship should not be humiliating; it is attention the woman is getting. It shows her how important her obedience is to her man.
Taking all this into account might not reduce the amount of smacks the woman gets on her bottom, but it might reduce the amount of punishment she gets. And it will certainly be more fun.
Taken In Hand Tour start | next
Have you seen the following articles?
The King of the Dark Chamber, by Rabindranath Tagore: a book review
His word is final
It's not because he's infallible
The passion of the tango
Imagining my marriage as one long road-trip
Is taking his wife in hand self-sacrificing for the man?
Crossing a hurdle
A happy end to marital deadlock
How can I persuade him to take control in our relationship?
Fascinating Womanhood and the ideal woman
Comments
#1 Teaching her properly?
Don't you think you're perhaps underestimating the intelligence of the woman a little? If she is disobedient, might it not just be because she doesn't happen to be feeling particularly obedient at the time, or even that she wants to be disobedient in order to provoke punishment?
I must say I find the idea of her not having been properly 'taught' somewhat condescending, we're talking about a woman here, not a dog!
#2 Man as leader, woman happy to follow
I find the emphasis on punishment and control so odd, and discouraging. I prefer a Taken in Hand relationship that is based on the man being the leader, and the woman being happy and full of repect in following his lead. Like a team that works together for common goals.
Why does it seem as if the couple are almost at enmity with each other? The wives are bad, not obeying, gotta be spanked...they sound like destructive children. The poor husband has to keep checking on her like a three year old, adding more control measures.
It just doesn't seem like we are talking about adult/adult relationships here. Sounds like child rearing. In fact, it sounds like someone who has failed at child rearing and is now trying to get some control of the situation.
Louise, you sound like a grown up to me--you'er into it because it works for you and is sexy. That I get.
But some of this stuff sounds like you guys are married to fourteen year olds.
#3 Leading and following
I suppose I do have a childish streak in me, in that I can be sulky, bad-tempered, petulant from time to time (especially when I've got PMT and practically everything seems to irritate me) but my husband is very good at bringing me out of these moods, he can do it with a word, or just a look, sometimes just a raised eyebrow is enough. I find this very soothing. I don't think of it as being about teaching me anything, just restoring domestic harmony.
Certainly for me the whole point of being Taken In Hand is that my husband and I are now more like a team following common goals, rather than being at enmity.
#4 Control is attention
Hmmh, Brumble
In all the relationships I have had, there was a time the woman tried to test whether I'm a lazy disciplinarian. No one just followed me; and they would have been pretty disapointed in me if I had refused to be strict with them. It was always considered as a kind of attention.
Besides, acting sometimes as fourteen-year-olds was part of the fun they got out of it. It was some kind of vacation they took from being a grown-up.
I believe you that it is not your cup of tea. But if people write so much about it they maybe are open to the fun in it.
Horst B
#5 I liked it
Horst was describing exactly the sort of thing that I like. I love the idea of my husband training me. Spankings "for the fun of it" without a disciplinary purpose are not what I am interested in.
J
#6 Common Sense
While reading this article, I did not find it to be insulting to my level of intelligence or emotional maturity in any way. Personally, I feel loved and cared-for in a relationship in which he is willing to show how important I am to him by paying attention to what's going on in my life, so that the things that might develop into a problem can be taken care of before that happens. This is especially important the longer a couple has been together, since oftentimes a woman might begin to feel somewhat neglected by her husband.
Also, isn't it true that in new relationships, each person is being "trained" by their partner? Each partner is learning about the preferences and dislikes of the other, and should, if they truly care for and respect each other, be willing to learn all that they can about the other. It is a matter of common courtesy to try and do those things which make your partner happy, while working to avoid those things that may create anger or tension. For example, when my husband is thoughtful enough to pick up after himself, he is showing respect for the work I do as a homemaker. If he failed to show this by leaving a mess everywhere he went, I would begin to wonder if he really cared at all about what's important to me, which in turn, would lead to resentment and acting out on my part. The longer this went on, the more the resentment and misbehavior would escalate. Obviously, there are better ways of dealing with such frustrations, and it would be up to him to find out the reasons for my disobedience.
In a relationship in which the man is the head of the household and there are agreed upon consequences for misbehavior, the man should always be as concise as possible when stating his expectations, because it is impossible to obey anyone without a clear understanding of what is expected of you. I agree that it is better to prevent a minor problem from developing into a major one than to try and deal with it once the resentment and other negative emotions are already there. A "warning" or "attention-getting" spanking is preferable to a punishment spanking, because it may prevent the need for severe correction later, while reinforcing boundaries as well as the respective roles of the man and woman.
Cheryl
#7 Prevention is the better cure
I would have to agree with Lady K. I would love to live in a relationship like that. I wouldn't feel micromanaged. What I wouldn't like is someone telling me what I am doing wrong all the time or constantly correcting me and I don't see that in Horst's story. I see a man who cares deeply for his wife and wants the best for her and their relationship. To have someone so in tune with me would be a wonderful gift. It would only make the relationship that much stronger. I also believe that because he is so in tuned on me I would then return the favor, thus becoming stronger and more as one. I think the people who discourage it just don't understand it. I suggest to anyone, try and stay open to all that is said. You would be surprised what you may find. :)
#8 Bramble
I don't think that most of us in Taken In Hand relationships are in the type of relationship you are speaking of. I very much follow my husband's leads in most things. He is the head of the household and although we discuss most things, he definitely has the final say.
There are things we have agreed upon in our relationship and at times one or both of us fail. Our focus is on pleasing one another. He leads and controls me for a number of reasons - not the least of which is because it makes us both happy. For the most part we live in harmony - and that's the way we both like it.
On the occasions on which we are not being harmonious, he provides warnings and if those don't work, he takes me in hand physically. Doing this excites him, since he loves the dichotomy of the very strong, confident woman totally controlled. and having no desire to be in charge with her husband despite her strength. So, no, we aren't 14 year olds...
M-