Give the right impression?

Many of us who are single spend a lot of time and money in activities we hope will expose us to greater opportunities to connect with a potential life-long companion. For me, that companion must be one who is compatible with my quirky, sometimes dull, sometimes explosive personality. She is the one who will fill the aching gap in the core of my being. Not just any person can do that, which means I must be selective. To be available for the right one, I must reject many. The one I select may also reject me, which is a valid part of the process, since desirability must be mutual.

At one time, I regarded rejection as a put-down. OK, so perhaps it is. It stung quite a bit when a potential love interest didn't reciprocate to the degree I wished. It even made me doubt my self-worth. It took me quite a long time to realize that rejection is a necessary tool in my search, a good thing, and that I need to accept it as such, since it is very helpful in my search for the woman I want.

If I am rejected, that is not an occasion for a bruised ego. Rather, it means that there is something wrong with us, and that we are not meant for each other. “Try again” is not the same thing as failure. It simply means that one combination didn't mix properly.

I used to try to be so careful to give just the “right impression” to the woman I wanted to attract. I now understand that the “right impression” is wrong for me. The “right impression” will attract the wrong woman. I should be myself and unabashedly so. That way, acceptance or rejection will happen much more quickly. Anything that fetters that process is a waste of effort. Putting on airs and pretending to be something I am not definitely hampers me.

KrosRogue

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Women want men who are more dominant
Has feminism gone too far?
My perfect guy, and the marriage he has given me
The anchor of love
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
The difference between dominant and controlling
An 1897 woman's “ideal of manhood”
The sweetest “Benevolent Dictatorship” ever
Why you should not withhold spanking!
I want it all, and I want it now!

2004 Dec 26 - 11:42 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

There's No Other Way

You are right, there is no point to being anyone but who we essentialy are. But I am no one but me, and that isn't attracting a whole lot of men either....and it just doesn't feel very good at all.

by missy me on 2004 Dec 26 - 17:16 | reply to this comment

Well said!

Well said -I hope you find what you're seeking soon.......

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Dec 26 - 18:16 | reply to this comment

The Deceptive 'Me'..

I have not been single for a few years, but I remember vividly what 'being me' felt like when trying to meet and greet. In fact, the more 'I' was, the more it seemed to off put the other potential. And like Missy, I felt disheartened. But I clung to my guns and was able to 'sort' through who could relate to me and vise versa. Oddly enough there were so many who were 'intrigued' by me. And I by them, but more often I was the one left disappointed. Not from myself, but by those who felt threatened or confused by what they saw and what came out of my mouth.

But I will stand by this. While I can't claim to being the most 'open' during courtship, I was nothing short of me. Back then, Gary says I was razor sharp, very thoughtful about any reply and very funny. He just happened to be the only one who would not be tossed off. In fact he took control (and fell in love) which is why I am with him at all...lol..

So, the 'real you' is best to be present, however, not the exaggerated 'you'. For me that would be the occasionally flighty girl and comfortable enough now to make mistakes and plead. The 'deceptive' girl of courtship would not show that vulnerability. That was way too intimate. But time invested shows those vulnerabilities up and it's at that point the relationship goes somewhere. Not undressing and sex, that is less vulnerable. More of the 'naked soul' and this is who I really am. It is then the 'make it or break it' thoughts enter. Can I live with this or I adore this, I hope it never goes away.....Blush

by Blush on 2004 Dec 26 - 18:37 | reply to this comment

no other way

Hi, Missy Me. It's Sharon, the one who suggested you post the email address of that guy on Taken In Hand if he didn't leave you alone.

I'm in the same position you are in. The "real me" isn't attracting a whole lot of attention, either. However, I keep trying to remember this. My man is out there. We will meet sometime (I just wish "sometime" would come quicker).

If that doesn't work, try this. Picture your "man hunt" as a school classroom and you as the teacher. You have a given number of students, to whom you will give exactly the same info. Not all those students are going to achieve an "A" in your class. That does not mean your teaching style is wrong. It could mean that they learn differently, in which case, they simply need a different teacher. Or they do not pay attention, or don't take good notes, or they party when they should be studying. None of these are your fault. You have given the same info to all.

In the end, those "A" students will respond to you, and when you get them back next term, you can focus more on what else you need them to know. Sooner or later, one student will stand out, and then you will know.

A silly little hypothesis, but I find it helps me when all the guys around me are not paying attention. They'll find out later what they missed out, and it will be too late.

And I keep reminding myself that it's still the first term, and to wait and see.

Sharon

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Dec 26 - 18:38 | reply to this comment

Not Attracting A Whole Lot

Is that what you really want, to attract many men? If you choose to attract many, then artificial behavior is the way to go. If you play the game, you will attract many players.

Around where I live I don't attract many women. Most of them don't like my demanding attitude and my sometimes embarrassing candidness. But the woman I want will be enticed by those qualities, so I have little motivation to change my behavior.

So, continue to be who you are and you probably will attract just one man, the one with whom you will possibly spend the rest of your life. It isn't easy. The wait is agonizing, but the reward is sweet.

KrosRogue

by KrosRogue on 2004 Dec 27 - 08:58 | reply to this comment

A matter of habit

Dear KrosRogue,

I feel there should always be a distinction between private communications and public ones.

Going into private mode with anyone without making sure that this mode is totally understood and not feared is a sure recipe for confusion and misunderstanding.

A gruff or candid man often is viewed as a possible abuser or at least as high maintenance. You will drastically narrow the field because you give a real negative impression initially without this being fair to you or even representative.

Think of it in the same way as a woman wearing a nice sexy basque in the comfort of her own home -- what would you think if you met her in this attire in a winebar? :-)

Btw, single women talk a lot about the 'available game', so, like a business, one unhappy customer easily works out at 7 lost 'sales' and a bad reputation always lasts much longer than a good one :(

So, I'm not saying you should be putting on an act, but go slow initially and allow the other person to catch up with you.

Sides that, _all_ your theories about what person will fit you will go right out of the window if you really fall in love -- I guarantee it will be a total surprise and you will find that Mother Nature makes those offers that you absolutely cannot refuse :-D

So, go out there and get lucky!

Cinnamon

by Cinnamon on 2004 Dec 27 - 18:49 | reply to this comment

Getting Lucky

I feel quite comfortable repelling the women who don't like my personality. They are not what I want. If I chose, I could have a one-night stand whenever I wished. When I was younger, I did just that. But having sex with a female body without any real emotional interaction got boring and eventually repulsive. I want more than just the body. I want the mind -- the *person* -- inside that body. Finding uncommitted sex is easy. Finding a compatible personality that is complementary to my own is very difficult, but I feel it is worth the wait. I don't want to attract all the mosquitoes and gnats that happen to be within my range. I just want the one little moth that feels irresistably drawn to my glow.

KrosRogue

by KrosRogue on 2004 Dec 28 - 09:00 | reply to this comment

The Search

Sharon I would be interested to know what you are doing to try and meet men. There is a direct link to my email at my personal ad if you're up for it.

missy

and KrosRogue

NONE of the men I meet ever admit to being less then perfect. You seem to actually know yourself, and that is what makes you different and attractive. You'll find her, soon I hope.

by missy me on 2004 Dec 29 - 02:09 | reply to this comment

Less Than Perfect

Anyone claiming to be perfect is the perfect one to avoid. Such a thing as one gender's gift to the other doesn't exist and never has. Lies, insincerity, and smooth talk are mere shortcuts to a romp in the sack with possibly an introduction as a mere side issue.

As for finding the right one; I may or may not. But I'll never get stuck with the wrong one again.

KrosRogue

by KrosRogue on 2004 Dec 29 - 10:34 | reply to this comment

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