DeeMarie mentioned my unease about calling myself submissive. I must admit that since I wrote the two articles in which I almost(?) called myself “dominant” I have become just as uneasy about using that word, too, if not more! I find both words highly unsatisfactory. I am definitely not dominant in the sense of wanting to control people, but I am definitely not submissive in the sense that some people seem to interpret that word either. I'm not an ultra-soft, wishy-washy doormat type who will fall to my knees obediently the moment any man calling himself “dominant” happens along.

So perhaps Noone has the right idea in not using those words at all, just using “man” and “woman”. ;-)

"Pat" wrote:

No man, dominant or not, is going to interpret your winning an intellectual debate as a bid to take physical control of you.

See, that was an ironic, tongue-in-cheek remark. No, I don't actually expect a man to pounce on me in a mad frenzy of wrestling fever, just because I've won a debate. But I would like it if men did not interpret that as indicating that I want to be the one in charge, or that I'm not sexually submissive. Once a relationship is established, then I might expect the man to react to my winning the debate with a little demonstration of his own male physical superiority. But a stranger? No, I doubt it.

"Pat" wrote:

You've got to put your wants out there to men and maybe then the one you are looking for might emerge.

No submissive woman wants to have to say "please dominate me" -- because then if the man complies with that, it's as if he's doing it just to please her, and not because he actually has some strong dominant urges of his own. See? It's like saying "please rape me" - if you have to get to that point, then it doesn't really feel like rape, and is not really likely to fulfill your rape fantasies. Once again, for me, it's all about the conquest - a powerful dominant man forcing me to submit to him.

Does that mean that he has to push me around and ravish me, on the first date? No, of course not. There is a way to lead up to that. But it should not be up to the submissive woman to have to take the initiative. It should be up to the man to do a little creative exploring, to find out whether or not this woman is one who would enjoy his forceful dominance. That way, he can be the one in control, right from the start. Like I've said before, there are all sorts of ways of exploring that. At the risk of repeating myself, here are a few typical ideas for dominant men:

1. While sitting at a cafe table, hold her hand across the table. Then pull her hand up off the table and teasingly challenge her to an arm-wrestling match. (You can make up some silly excuse if you want, like it's about who pays for coffee.) If she's not interested, then she might not be into this type of physical dominance and submission. If she does take you up on it, then be sure and move breakable glass items out of the way. Also, don't pin her arm down too quickly, because that could cause a pulled muscle. Plus, you want the conquest to last - be slow, sensuous and teasing about it. Mainly, lock her eyes with yours, and let her see that smug, dominant, teasing look. Back off a bit, as if you're going to let her win; and then watch her eyes as you firmly start pressing her arm down, letting her feel your strength.

When you go to pin her down, you can drop the smile and get more serious; let her feel the heat of that penetrating 'dom' stare as you literally gain the upper hand. You should be able to read her emotions, whether she's reacting with fear, desire, confusion, or some combination. If she's still in denial of her submissiveness, or trying hard to hide it from you, she may roll her eyes or look away from you and act like this is all such a silly macho thing. But if she is submissive, then inside she will be melting. Once you've pinned her arm down, then don't just let her pull it up again right away. Keep it there for a bit; press her hand and wrist firmly into the table for a bit, and maybe caress her fingers with your thumb. Be affectionate while you've got her pinned; she should get the idea that you enjoy having the upper hand. See how she responds to that.

2. While you're standing there hugging and kissing her, get a little bit forceful. Take both her wrists and pin them behind her back with one hand, and use the other hand to grasp her hair at the nape of the neck and pull her head back. Press her against your chest and lean into her, pushing her backwards a bit, and off-balance. Let her feel herself supported by your strong arm behind her. Meanwhile, kiss her slowly and forcefully; maybe even give her a sharp little love bite on the neck as you let out a low growl. This should make her feel vulnerable and helpless, being bent backwards with you close above her, and her arms pinned. I think this is something almost any sexually submissive woman would enjoy; but especially women who enjoy being dominated forcefully. See if she starts struggling; if she does it may mean either that she enjoys it or she doesn't. When she struggles, whisper in her ear: "Hmm, I think I'll just keep you here for a bit. I'll bet you enjoy struggling, don't you...?" If her response is anger, then she probably doesn't. But if she melts into your strength, or if she just continues to struggle while kissing you, then you've probably got a keeper.

3. When you're in bed and on top of her, pin her arms over her head and whisper "I'll bet you'd love for me to just ravish you like a wild animal, wouldn't you...?" Or, during "afterglow," if she starts to get out of bed, pin her down firmly with one arm, and say "Now, just where do you think you're going, miss? I think I'm just going to keep you here for a while." Of course, when she protests that she needs to use the bathroom or whatever, then let her up; but first make her promise that she will come right back before you allow her to get up. If she won't put up with that kind of bossing from you, maybe she's not the one. If she gets up and doesn't obey you and come back, then go and get her, and give her a playful little whack on the bottom, saying "Hey, I told you to come right back to bed, you little vixen.." (Or whatever.)

4. Another way to ease into physical dominance is just by looming or towering over her, in close proximity. That will tend to evoke submissive feelings if she has any. Wait until she is seated in a chair or on the sofa, then go and stand right in front of her, looking down at her. If she doesn't look you, grab her chin firmly and pull it up so that she's looking up at you. Then from that 'looming' vantage point you can offer her some compliments, tell her how much you appreciate her and enjoy being with her, etc. But if she starts trying to get up, move in closer and keep her down; perhaps even put your hands on her shoulders while you're talking to her. If possible, also pin her legs gently between yours by placing yours on the outside of hers as she is sitting. Then when you have told her how much you like her, etc., take her head and press it against you as you stroke her hair and caress her. (Just how you should do this depends on just what level her head is at, and how intimate you are with her at this point. If you're tall enough and intimate enough, this could get quite sexy. Ahem.) But it's surprising how dominant that simple act can be, just towering over her for a few minutes while you talk to her and stroke her hair.

Anyway, I imagine that tactics such as these are already familiar to many or most dominant men. But the point is, there are all sorts of things a man can do to push a woman a bit, and explore her submissive side. And none of them involve the sort of aggression that would put the man at any legal risk. Of course, there is still a risk that he will be rejected, that the woman won't like these things because she's not really all that submissive. But so what? What does he have to lose, in that case? The sooner he finds out that she's not really submissive, the better. Then he can move on to find one of the many women who truly are sexually submissive.

The main point here is that it does not have to be up to the sexually submissive woman to initiate this exploration of dominance and submission. Nor should it be. It ruins all the fun if she has to ask him to dominate her. If she's looking for a dominant man who is willing and able to make her submit, then she will want him to be a real man, and to take the lead on that right from the start.

Of course, there are also some subtle hints that a sexually submissive woman can drop, that don't involve just coming right out and asking the man to dominate her. But I guess that's a topic for another post. The thing is, I think many men greatly underestimate the portion of women who have a deep submissive streak - just because the man never works up the courage to explore that, and because submissive women rarely want to have to ask to be dominated. (And because some of them are not even consciously aware yet of their deep need for sexual submission to a dominant man.) I think if more men were willing to start exploring this in a safe and gentle way, then they would be surprised by how many submissive women are out there.

There is a similar article about what it means to be "submissive" and here is the same answer.

It is not really possible to:
ask to be dominated,
ask to be dominant,
ask to be submissive.

One can not *BE* dominant or submissive in the same way one can be intelligent, athletic, or musical.

Dominance and submission are BEHAVIORS not inherent qualities of a person. (sorry about the shouting but this type of semantic confusion is most distressing)

I think Pat says it well when she writes "I am only sexually submissive and only part of the time, but I absolutely hate to ask for a spanking" because Pat is talking about behaviour. Pat wishes to behave in a submissive manner only in specific ways and at specific times and she does not want to have to ask her partner to behave in a corresponding dominant manner.

You can't always get what you want of course, but if you don't understand that you want behaviour rather than some kind of inherent "state" you will never be satisfied.

Go, Dee! Great posts! BOLD - that's me, alpha female.

My husband is sweet but not the type to take me in hand. I am having an affair with someone who understands my desires. What does a submissive alpha female do when she finds her perfect alpha male, but in the wrong person?

Just reading Dee's comments makes me NOT melt - which is fine cuz it proves to me what I knew anyway. So thanks for this it helps me understand that not ALL women are submissive and I don't have any deeply buried or unacknowledged needs for submissiveness.

When guys have tried to play in this fashion with me it leaves me cold. I don't find it scary, just boring. Very unconnected, I guess I say that because it doesn't connect with me. Sex is a connection and if you're not on the same page then the connection won't be there.