Trust is what makes my relationship so special
My husband and I had been married for nineteen years when we started a TIH relationship. It was very easy for me to disregard any notions of safe-words and consent at the time of each spanking. My trust for this man is so utterly complete that any of that has been unnecessary. He has been so gentle and thoughtful from the first spanking. He was careful to take me just far enough without taking me farther than was reasonable.
How did he know? After knowing me for over twenty years it wasn't too hard. He observes my body language and my verbal language and goes from there. It has been so easy to give him complete trust and is truly one of the most beautiful and fullfilling times of my life. Once as I was laying over his lap waiting, he said, “Do you trust me?” What a silly question. I of course answered that I trust him completely and believe me I wouldn't be in this position if I didn't.
You see, I think the difference between TIH and some other types of relationships involving dominance and submission is complete trust. I could not put myself in this position with anyone else. Only with someone I have known a long time and already trust implicitly. Trust. That is the issue. It's already there. I give it away freely and he doesn't need to ask for permission. I know he would never hurt me although yes it does hurt to be spanked. Sometimes quite a lot.
If I said ok, I no longer want you to be in charge of me and our home, and I no longer will submit to any correction or spanking from you, he would agree. What could he do? He isn't going to force me into anything. This way of life has been a choice on both our parts – his as well as mine. We can both choose to stop at anytime. Do we want to go back to the pre TIH days? Never! Our relationship is better than it has ever been in the past. I am passionately in love with my husband and I trust him in a new and wonderful way.
Have you seen the following articles?
The erotic power of unshackled male dominance
Liberated through submission
Don't forget your whip
Monogamy
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
Moving into a Taken In Hand relationship
The paradox of the strong and submissive woman
How we got past the year from hell
How it felt to be taken in hand for the very first time
Women want men who are more dominant
Comments
#1 Trust is Great
But the difference is, you entered into this type of relationship after 19 years of marriage. Let's hope by that time you knew you could trust your husband!
When people are first trying to meet someone for a D/s, DD, Taken in Hand or purely erotic spanking relationship, hoping that it will wind up as a committed relationship, the situation is very different. There are safety precautions that must be observed. Consent always remains important, because as you just said, you do have the power to revoke his right to spank you. Bingo, that would be a withdrawal of consent. Maybe you don't have to say yes every time but consent IS an issue. It's just under the surface for now.
As for safewords, they should be in place at the start. Someone who says you don't need one is a person to keep away from.
A big concern I have is that whereas newbies to the D/s or BDSM if you prefer, lifestyle, are given information and cautioned about safety issues, DD or Taken in Hand people seem to assume that because their partner is trustworthy these aren't issues to be concerned with. There's perhaps an assumption that because their lives can pass as "normal" to people not in the know, it's okay not to be quite so careful.
But to a person who is looking for a partner and looking to get into such a relationship, safety and consent are big issues and trust has to be earned not presumed. It looks from here like there's way too much complacency about that on Taken in Hand.
"Pat"
#2 Pat,For us trust and cons
Pat,
For us trust and consent are very important. We do not need to rehash them all the time, we know it is there. I do not think there is trust in a new relationship. Trust takes time, and at least for me, has to be earned. It is not something that can happen in one date, or even one month. A Taken in Hand relationship takes a certain amount of commitment. It is inherent in how I understand the definition of Taken in Hand. Commitment, love and trust do not happen over night.
Sometimes consent can be implicit, although personally I think that is a dangerous way to proceed in this day and age. My consent to my husband was explicit. I told him, exactly what I was consenting to. You keep saying that there is a lot of complacency here about consent and safety, but I do not think that is the case at all. As there are some exceptions to every rule, there are a few people who fall outside of the bounds of safety in every community. Just because we do not publish a rule book or publish a standard guide to practice, does not mean that there is no common sense being followed here. I know for my husband and I what we practice is not in any way able to cause me permanent damage. It is simply tame to the point that most BDSM people would consider it barely a step above vanilla. We, personally as a couple, do not need to take a lot of safety precautions.
If you are embarking on a new relationship you really do not know each other very well it is only wise to be sure that, if you plan on being spanked or spanking anyone, everyone knows exactly what to expect (well maybe your mother does not need to know :) ).
If safe words make you feel safer, then there is no reason not to use them. I do not think that personally we are playing fast and loose with safety by not having one. The worst thing that would happen to me physically is I get a well spanked bottom. Having a safe word does not make you automatically safer anyway. The person in control needs to heed that safe word. A person insisting on having one, who knows all the "rules" of safety, is not necessarily trust worthy enough follow those rule or necessarily going to listen and stop when you say red. There are no guarantees, as adults you need to trust that you know you have consent, and if you are consenting to someone you need to trust that they will not go beyond what you both feel is safe.
Consenting to giving up control is always risky. My husband is strong enough to do what ever he wishes with me. I just trust that he will never go beyond what we agree is acceptable. Trust is all I have to fall back on, whether we have a safe word or not.
Take care,
Tevemer
#3 Consent is assumed
Pat,
It's assumed that all actions advocated on this site are consensual, that both parties have agreed to it, have discussed it in an adult manner and so on and so forth. The assumption is not one that we carry in our minds, it's been explicitly spelt out by the boss. This paragraph is lifted from "Read this before posting" article on the left hand side.
Because of this pre-stated assumption, people don't feel the need to repeat that whatever it is they're talking about in a positive light is consensual, which could then give rise to the impression that we don't really think about the consequences of what we do when nothing could be further from the truth.
That said, there are of course people out there who are going to be abusive and untrustworthy - but I suspect you're just as likely to find them putting on a show of being trustworthy - needing safewords, insisting on consent etc - at the start as not.
--
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" Hamlet, somewhere.
#4 Trusting Relationship
Hi Tevemer,
After reading this article I feel it is very well written. My husband and I have been married for 30 years and I agree with you about trust. Trust is something that evolves in a relationship it does not appear overnight.
I have known my husband since we were teenagers and the type of trust that I had for him back then is different from what we have now. It is much more refined and mature.
When we introduced spanking in our relationship it started out differently than it is now. We did start out with a safe word but never needed to use it. He has always been very alert to my needs and knows exactly what he is doing.
I trust him, it is as simple as that. I am not naive nor am I complacent. We both know what we are involved with and it has been a good thing for our marriage.
Where the rubber meets the road is this: I trust my husband.