Don't wait too long to tell her

After my 13-year marriage came to an end, I was determined that my next relationship was to be different. I had come to realize that I was a dominant male.

During this time I dated a number of women wondering how they would react if I turned them over my knee for a well-deserved spanking. There were a few I did spank, but purely for playful, erotic reasons. (I remember being surprised by how many women enjoyed being spanked) Yet, I knew I desired something more than play. I knew myself well enough to know that I wanted a relationship with a woman who wanted her man to be dominant and to lead.

For me, this was as much a matter of principle as it was a desire. So not long after I started dating my wife-to-be, I made it clear to her what I expected. Although I sensed from some of the things she said that she wanted this kind of life too, I was not sure how she would react. To my great relief and pleasure she readily accepted my proposal. So I understand how difficult it is to broach this subject in a budding relationship. But the man who knows that he is dominant and that he expects to lead the relationship must sooner rather than later make clear to his new girlfriend that she can expect to be spanked if she behaves in a way that he finds unacceptable.

Knowing exactly when to have this discussion is a delicate matter, one for which there is no formula. During the early stages the couple is discovering whether there is a basis on which to build a relationship. This is as it should be. After all, there are a significant number of factors regarding compatibility which must be explored.

However, it would be wrong to wait too long to have this discussion. It is all too easy to be swept up in the initial romantic period where things are new and exciting. It would be unfair to the woman, who has invested her heart in a man, only to learn that he propose something later to which she can not give her consent.

There is no doubt that having a woman’s consent, whether given explicitly or implicitly, is essential. There is something very powerful about knowing that a woman trusts you so much as to submit to your leadership and discipline.

Having said this, my wife and I have not had a discussion about consent since that first time. It is a subject that does not need to be revisited every time she is about to be spanked. But when first starting out, it is a matter of principle for a gentleman that he takes the time to clearly and patiently explain to his new love what she can expect from him if she acts in a way that he finds unacceptable.

The man who understands women knows he must be considerate, but he must also be able to act decisively and with confidence. And he must, once he has made his wishes known and has her consent, take his woman over his knee early and often.

Stephen

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
The erotic power of unshackled male dominance
Learning the ropes
An 1897 woman's “ideal of manhood”
How I became submissive
The paradox of the master and the queen
Changing for myself
About Schmidt: choose engagement, not withdrawal
Asserting dominance physically forcefully
The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle: a critique
Out of control, insane, driven by our emotions? No way!

2004 Dec 14 - 09:42 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Are we Conditioned

I have always been of the assumption that we as members of the human race lead by example and we immulate our leaders. Taken in Hand was not even close to the norm within the confines of my home while growing up, or if it was my two sisters and I weren't aware of it. My mother said jump and my father would ask how high. Growing up as a baby boomer I would venture to guess that ninety five percent of the kids that I new in this era experienced or witnessed this same style in their homelife.

That being said, I feel it is very hard for people to condition themselves to live differently then what they have come accustomed to seeing or being part of the entire time they are growing up.

Unlike Noone, and you Stephen my wife was the one that brought taken in hand into our life. We are still learning but we both feel that taken in hand has had a very positive effect on our lives. Now that we have incorperated spanking I could not and would not live any other way. Our two older children were raised before I started taking my wife in hand and it seems that in both cases that the female is dominant in the relationship. Neither couple have any knowledge that we now live in a taken in hand relationship. Our youngest child is still living at home with us and knowledge of the relationship either. I am very curious to see how much differant the male dominance and control dynamic that he is witnessing will influence the way that he thinks and what he feels is needed for a happy, long lasting relationship.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Dec 17 - 00:37 | login or register to post comments

Good idea, Stephen

Stephen,

I am a submissive female and still single. I strongly agree with you that a Taken In Hand relationship should be discussed early on. This past year I went out on several dates with regular guys and there just was no spark there for me. They were nice and I know would otherwise make good partners, but if a man won't put me over his knee when needed, then I am just not interested. I feel it is best to not proceed if both people aren't in agreement with this.

The last one was really nice and we went on a first date. He asked me to go out 2 nights later, I initially agreed but then decided to just put the cards on the table. I never heard from him again and was relieved. We could have gone out on several dates and had a great time, and possibly became more than a casual date to each other. But at some point this would have come out and it would have been much harder to end it. I feel it's best to be honest up front or early on.

I have focused my search for a partner to DD men (especially Christian men). Several people have told me that I shouldn't limit myself and that if a man truly loves me, he will meet my needs if I tell him what they are. This sounds good in theory but I have found that just like with anything else, you're either into this or your not. If I have to "train" a man to be head of the household, then I don't know if he could be... just seems backwards to me.

I am afraid that if I settle for a regular man, I will continue pursuing this. Even though it is not sexual for me, I think it would still be cheating. And like you, I vowed to do it right the next time after I ended my 7 year marriage. So I don't see the point in pursuing an already doomed relationship on the basis that I am "limiting myself".

In this situation, honesty IS the best policy.

by eyeout on 2005 Jan 20 - 11:31 | login or register to post comments

Regular men

Personally, I think it is infinitely preferable to have a conventional man who is willing to meet your needs, than some arrogant s.o.b. who thinks he has a god-given right to order you about, demand obedience from you, and beat you if you don't satisfy his every whim.

You can't beat a nice ordinary man (but he can beat you, given the right encouragement).

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 20 - 20:00 | login or register to post comments

If a regular man doesn't run...

If a regular man would meet my needs, then he wouldn't be regular.
Being taken in hand isn't just about being spanked, it's much deeper than that and I would never let a man hit me anywhere else, or out of anger.

By weeding out regular men, I am preventing frustration and heartache for him and me. It's one thing to enter a relationship with the right intentions and have it not work out. It's another to enter a relationship knowing full well it's not going to work.

This is one of the reasons I agree with Stephen about bringing it up early on. If that nice ordinary guy runs, (which most of them have), then it is just as well because I would continue looking for this elsewhere. That isn't fair to the man. I won't use a guy until "something better comes along". However, if a nice regular guy is open minded about this and doesn't run, then that is another story. I should have clarified this in my previous response. I was not always into being controlled... you never know who is going to get into this and who won't......life is full of surprises!

There are some wonderful articles here explaining the many aspects of this kind of relationship, that may give you some insight and a deeper understanding.

by eyeout on 2005 Jan 23 - 06:44 | login or register to post comments

Regular men

I am quite well aware that being Taken In Hand isn't just about being spanked; it is about much more than that for me. However, my husband did not have any idea of having a Taken In Hand relationship until I suggested to it. It would never have occured to him to instigate it on his own, and I would have been very unhappy if he had. I feel very strongly that control is something that should be freely given, not taken for granted.

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 23 - 09:30 | login or register to post comments

Being taken for Granted

Louise,

I hope you are not suggesting that Stephen is taking his wife for granted because he instigated, or was the first to bring up, a Taken in Hand relationship. I know of many healthy Taken in Hand relationships that were discussed first by the husband and accepted by the wife. For some women it would be very sexy if their husbands were the first to bring it up. For them the man having the courage to bring up the subject may be part of the leadership they are looking for. I think either party can bring it up. Obviously by your comment it would not have been alright for you, but that does not mean that every man who does introduce his wife to the idea of the man being in control would then take that precious gift of submission for granted. The converse of that of course is that not every man who's wife offers submission treats that submission with the respect it deserves.

The control dynamics in a relationship can make or break that relationship for some people. I think it is fair if you understand this about yourself that you bring it up fairly early in the relationship and end the relationship if you are not happy with the response you get. For some being submissive or dominant is not just a spanking game that they can take or leave. For some it is an extremely important part of who they define themselves as, and who they look for in a partner. It is how they interact with each other every minute of every day. It is how they connect and communicate with love and harmony. You make it seem like it is a small little thing that can and should be overlooked. If it is that way for you that is great. For some folks it is not a small thing at all. Doesn't every person get to decide for themselves what makes a good lifelong relationship and what does not?

Take care,
Tevemer

by Tevemer on 2005 Jan 27 - 23:16 | login or register to post comments

Don't rule out the man who hasn't brought it up

I didn't actually say i thought it wasn't all right for the man to bring it up, just that this woman shouldn't rule out a man who doesn't bring it up, because it may just not have occured to him. And that doesn't mean he's not willing to give it a try. After all, most normal men in this day and age do not just assume that they can take a dominant role in a relationship, for some it may just never have occured as a possibility, doesn't mean they can't do it. And if the suggestion hasn't come from the man, that also means that if for any reason it turns out not to work, there isn't likely to be too much difficulty in dropping the idea.

Tthere are a number of reasons why it might not have worked in my own case for instance, if my husband hadn't been able to control his temper etc, but as the imputus for this relationship came from he rather than from him, we could have dropped it without much bother. I think an adaptable ordinary man is a very good option indeed, and in my opinion preferable to a man who just assumes he can take charge in a relationship.

by Louise C on 2005 Jan 28 - 07:01 | login or register to post comments

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