One person's abuse is another person's happy marriage

I am always amazed at how quickly people jump to the conclusion that people who post a short post on the internet are in an abusive relationship or not. From what I can see there is hardly ever enough information to really know if someone is being abusive or not from what they post on the net. People see things that they would never tolerate, and think, “Oh my god, that person is an abusive bastard because he is telling his wife who she can talk to…” or “What?? He demands sex from her when ever he wants! That is outrageous! What about her wants and needs? Does he not care about his wife?!” I can never help thinking that maybe his wife wants exactly this kind of thing in her life. Maybe it is a turn-on for her. Maybe it makes her feel loved, cherished and cared for. Maybe it is not, but how can we know from one short post, on a very specific issue?

Certainly this kind of control is wrong for me. I would never want to live like that. There are people who would never want to live like me. There are people who would write and tell me to get the hell out of my abusive relationship before my husband really hurts me; who consider what we do abusive, in no uncertain terms. Even if I tell them I consent, they would say that I agree because he has manipulated me to agree. It is easy to jump to conclusions about how someone is being abusive when you do not really understand what is going on. How can we know? Only the people involved can really know, and if the wife agrees then I am glad they found a way to be together that makes them happy, even if I would personally be appalled if my husband even suggested we live like they do. If she does not agree then she should leave her relationship.

What people post here is a small snippet of their whole life, and is only one side to that story. We may get a very different perspective if we heard both people discuss the same thing. Put in context a seemingly abusive situation can be part of loving marriage where both people are perfectly satisfied. Maybe I am just naïve but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt before I accuse them of being abusive bastards!

I am not trying to deny that abuse happens. And it is probable that there are people who read and post here that are either abused or abusive. I had an aunt who was nearly killed by an abusive husband, and it was a terrifying experience. There was a tragic incident last week here in Canada where a teacher was shot at her school by her husband. I urge anyone who thinks they are in an abusive relationship to run fast and far from it.

Tevemer

Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
Happy living in fear of a man?
Is your relationship abusive?
Women want men who are more dominant
The impossibility of installing a spine in a pansy
Offering an olive branch
Are you in an abusive relationship? A quiz
Abusive men: Hedda Nussbaum's list of red flags
Romantic rituals for the taken in hand
Empowering dominance
Is there consent?

2004 Dec 13 - 23:23 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Abuse

Your point is understood, not everyone can just jump to the conclusion of abuse. However, I'd have to say it's much safer to do so than assume the best. I give people the benefit of the doubt myself and I don't think you're naive for that. I think you're naive for thinking it's just that easy to leave once involved. The whole reason you are in the situation in the first place is because you've been slowly brainwashed and before you can even think for yourself anymore this person has powerful control over you -- this control resulting from the unexpected, violent doses of fear randomly administered.

One person's abuse (the woman) IS usually another person's happy marriage (the man)! The abuser is happy in control, that's his entire objective. The abused wife ceases to exist...until the day she frees herself. I understand your statement to tell people to run far and fast but someone currently involved has only one word in response to it: How? Maybe write a little more about that.

by Recently Escaped on 2006 Sep 30 - 06:20 | reply to this comment

I think that if a woman is cl

I think that if a woman is claiming she is happy in her relationship (especially without being asked), it is probably not abusive. I don't think women who post here saying that their husbands don't spank them enough or hard enough are being abused. I don't think the men here who have their wives full consent to spank them are abusers. Let's face it, spousal abusers don't generally use spanking as a method of abuse. In my experience it's more black eyes and broken ribs.

My mother spent 8 years with an abusive man. I don't think she was once happy in that relationship, and she could never have been brainwashed by him to think that she was. She was paralyzed by fear. She was afraid of what he'd do if she left, and indeed, after she left he did come back one last time while all the kids were at school and beat her. Watching my mother get out of an abusive relationship I would say this:
1. You must have at least one solid ally that you can run to (literally). You need to have that place to stay so that you can feel safe. If you don't have that friend or family member, you need to have an organization (we have Women in Transition) that will help battered women even to the point of helping them find a place to stay.
2. You must be unafraid of airing your dirty laundry. Don't be afraid to tell your friends and family, your child's school, etc. why you left. As silly as it may sound, I think they need to know why because it helps them watch out for you, and you do need watching out for. Telling the school may seem weird, but it was my mother's way of seeing to it that he could not sign us out of school.
3.I think the hardest part of getting out of an abusive relationship is finding the courage to do so. My mother took her courage from her children. That sounds awkward...what I really mean is that we were the motivating factor for her. She did not want her son growing up thinking it was okay to treat women that way. She did not want her daughter growing up thinking that it was okay for any man to treat her that way. If you don't have children try to think of yourself. If you are afraid he'll kill you if you leave, realize that eventually he'll kill you if you don't. If you have lost the motivation to live for yourself, think of the others who will be hurt and are being hurt already by your loss. Deciding to leave and following through is the hardest part, and the most important.

by cj on 2006 Sep 30 - 14:07 | reply to this comment

I heavily disagree that the a

I heavily disagree that the abuser is happy. It is from a place of general unhappiness that creates abusive people in the first place. Happy people just don't abuse others. And you don't abuse others to BECOME happy.

Abusive people are in general unhappy, lacking in self control, and lacking in self esteem. There are likely other issues involved and I'm oversimplifying...but I was once in an abusive relationship, and I can tell you that no matter how mean he was, he was never happy. Not in any way that I or he could quantify.

by Z on 2007 Mar 14 - 10:14 | reply to this comment

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.