Relationship and health versus productivity

When I first started this new kind of relationship with my husband, I began by committing to going to bed at the same time he did every night.

For most of our married life (20 plus years) my husband has worked very long hours, come home well after dinner time, and stayed up until the wee hours working on his computer. After I had become ill with an autoimmune disease a few years ago, I had started going to bed very early – by nine or ten at the latest. As a result, our sex life suffered (of course) but my husband also became even more sleep deprived since he had no one to remind him to come to bed.

Several months ago, I offered to stay up until eleven and make myself available to him sexually or for a backrub every single night if he would come to bed on time. I bought new nighties and it worked wonders. Within a couple of weeks, I was finding out that my dear husband was even more wonderful when he's had enough sleep, he was more productive at work, and our sex life was tremendous.

However, by losing two or three hours of sleep at night, I was becoming very tired, very quickly. Sleeping late was not an option because of taking the children to school, so I began to nap during the day in order to be fresh in the evening for my husband. Fortunately, I am able to do this, but the interruption in the day certainly makes for a less productive life. Because of my illness, I also diet very carefully and work out three or four times a week.

Exercising does not feel very productive to me since I was raised as a strong Protestant with a Calvinist work ethic. However, being the kind of wife and mother that I have decided to be requires me to take care of my health and be rested for my children after school and my husband at night. I am having to rethink my upbringing and to silence the voice of my mother in my head in order to feel comfortable not doing very much. I was raised in a feminist home in a feminist culture, and being wholly about relationships rather than productivity was never presented as an option.

Last night my husband spanked me for breaking some diet commitments I had made to him, and afterwards I asked him to please ground me as well. We had never done this, but because I was suffering from a cold and was obviously tired, he said I had to stay home all day except for taking the children to and from school and getting a few groceries. It was so wonderful to feel as if I had to stay home – that I simply did not have permission to run around town doing things. Now I’m considering asking him to ground me at least once a week!

Why can’t I do this for myself? I don’t know – but I think most of the women who come to this website will understand that obeying a man who has our best interests at heart is easier than doing something good for ourselves. I’m not sure why that is, but I am grateful that my husband is willing to give me that structure and security!

Charlotte

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2004 Dec 3 - 10:04 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Going to bed

I can't help feeling that your husband ought to be able to get himself to bed without you reminding him. Surely if he was really keen to have sex with you he could tear himself away from the computer without you having to stay up for him. It sounds to me as if he's getting a bit too keen on that computer. With my husband it's the workshop rather than the computer, but he does generally manage to drag himself away from it when he's got sex on his mind.

If he really has your best intersts at heart, it seems to me he ought to be able to make love to you before you reach a stage where you're too exhausted to enjoy it.

by Louise C on 2004 Dec 3 - 12:13 | login or register to post comments

I don't have to drag him away

I don't have to drag him away anymore--we've reached a compromise. Since he doesn't get home from work until nine at night, he really can't be expected to go to bed before ten-thirty or eleven. We so enjoy our time together now in the evenings that he continues to make things easier on me during the day. He pays for full-time household help and doesn't mind if I take the children out for dinner most nights. So really, I have a pretty cushy life. Workaholism has always been his downfall and this is my way of gently steering him away from that. Charlotte

by Charlotte on 2004 Dec 3 - 14:23 | login or register to post comments

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