To: Anonymous Taken In Hand Reader

I gather you believe the following ideas, based on your posts; I've paraphrased them here, but I think I've captured the gist. Let me suggest you do some ‘reality checks’ on these ideas:

(1.) Decent men are not willing to get ‘rough’ with women – only abusers do that; if a man pushes you, then he's likely to beat you up badly sometime.

Sorry, but that's a myth along the same lines as ‘a smart, competent, independent and assertive woman would never, ever want a man to dominate her, or spank her, or ravish her.’ It also reminds me of the fallacious ‘slippery slope’ arguments used in the ‘war on drugs’ – which imply that if someone starts partakes of a natural, non-addictive herbal intoxicant like cannabis, then they're hell-bound to wind up as heroin junkies or amphetamine freaks. Or that someone who enjoys a daily glass of wine or beer is bound to escalate to imbibing quarts of vodka and whiskey, and dying in the gutter, soaked with booze. It's just not true, any of it.

But websites against ‘domestic violence’ perpetuate that lie, along with many others, in their lists of ‘warning signs’ to look for in ‘potential abusers.’ Many of those ‘warning signs’ sound like a shopping list of features that women seeking a dominant man would look for. That's because there's often a hidden feminist agenda at those sites, one that opposes male dominance in intimate relationships, no matter how consensual. They tell lies about the terrible dangers of a little harmless shoving, for the same reason that the ‘war on drugs’ folks tell lies about the terrible ‘dangers’ of a little harmless cannabis: because their underlying agenda is all about an ideology, not about a realistic assessment of actual dangers. Most men who shove or even slap women don't escalate into punching them senseless. If that's true in most cases, then realize how much more true it would be in a relationship where there is a consensual agreement as to the man's right to engage in some harmless bullying, and frank discussion about the dangers of going too far, where the lines are drawn, etc.

I will add that I find it quite hilarious that so many people seem to think that a little swat or a push is bound to escalate into a maddened, bone-crunching rampage on the man's part. I studied karate for a few years, during which time I lived with my boyfriend, who was a black belt. We had a great time practicing karate techniques, or putting on the pads and sparring. He was very experienced, so he knew exactly when and how to pull a blow; I trusted him in that regard much more than I would trust someone who was not a martial artist. We spent probably ten or more hours a week hitting each other; and as often as not, it ended up in the bedroom. He was not quite the man I've been looking for, but that's beside the point. The point is, a little well-controlled physical combat does not have to be ‘dangerous’ – nor does a man have to be an ‘abuser’ to enjoy doing that.

(2.) I could be quite happy with a ‘dominant’ man who did not get physically rough with me; maybe just a little spanking and/or BDSM, or just agreeing that he's the ‘head of the household’ and that would be enough to satisfy me.

You don't know me at all, or you would not even hazard such a guess. I am not really into spanking, nor BDSM, nor the ‘head of the household’ thing; although I am willing to explore some aspects of those three things if I can find the right man to love and dominate me. What I mean by that is precisely that he is willing to conquer me: to get a little bit rough with me, use his strength to physically defeat me, and intimidate me with the realization of what he could do to me if he chose to. That is the big erotic thrill for me, and always has been. The other stuff – spanking, whips and chains, BDSM protocol and rituals, servitude, ‘head of the household’ and etc. – is stuff that I used to snicker at and regard as vaguely ridiculous. Why? Because it seemed to me totally irrelevant to the business of a man actually dominating a woman, and the erotic thrill that I get from that. You are therefore being unintentionally absurd when you suggest that I could just drop that one little thing from my shopping list for a dominant man – because that's the main thing on the list, and the one thing that is absolutely necessary if I am to have any sort of hot erotic relationship. It's not an option; it's an absolute.

(3.) I am a naive romantic, in danger of getting trapped in an abusive relationship if I don't try and change this essential feature of my sexuality.

I've already made it quite clear that I have no intention of being seriously injured, and that I would leave any relationship where that seemed like a real possibility. (And I've done that once before, by the way.) The sort of domination that I enjoy from a man obviously requires a large amount of trust, as I noted in the article. It also would entail some serious conversations about how to avoid getting into a danger zone, and etc. Nothing in life is risk-free, including dominant men. But I think that a man who is clear on his dominance and who has ways of channeling that and expressing it safely is actually much less dangerous than a man for whom there is lots of pent-up rage that he has suppressed under cover of ‘niceness.’

(4.) I am a naïve romantic, oblivious to the real necessities of life such as cooking, laundry, paying bills, etc.

I'm well aware of all that, thanks; been doing it for years. I've lived for several years now with a man who's been my best friend for over two decades, since we were in college. (We're sort of like ‘Will and Grace,’ except that we're both straight.) I understand that dealing with daily reality and getting along with someone over the years requires compromises and adjustments, etc. So what? How is that in any way relevant to what I need in a specifically romantic relationship? That's what I'm talking about in my quest for a dominant man – what my erotic and romantic needs are. I take it for granted that a lot of the other stuff will be there as well; but I see no reason why there should be any contradiction between doing the laundry and seeing that my erotic needs and desires are met. Why are you implying those aspects of a relationship would be incompatible?

(5.) Somehow, I expect the man to just start dominating and intimidating me ‘from the get go.’

No, I've already said in other posts that this is something that a man needs to learn how to test for; but that's true of any sort of dominant/submissive activities, or even sexual desire in general. This is definitely a consensual relationship I'm talking about here; but there are various ways of interpreting ‘consent.’ There are some mild ways to start out doing this, that I've mentioned before: arm-wrestling, or playful wrestling on the bed, or the man pinning her arms behind her as he's kissing her, etc. It's also possible to talk about it, but I don't really like to do too much of that, especially to start with. I don't want a man to hand me a questionnaire as to what sorts of activities I enjoy and don't enjoy. I want him to do some curious exploring, and find my magic buttons for submission. If a man pushed me into a wall on our second date, I'd be concerned; but if he didn't do that after a dozen dates, I'd be bored.

Finally, regarding your comment about ‘almost perfect, but not quite’ – I'd be overjoyed to find a man who was ‘almost perfect.’ However, my need for a dominant man who enjoys conquering me physically is not just the icing on the cake – it is the cake. And yes, there is a whole list of other rare qualities that are absolute necessities in my book, as well. (In addition to dominant, he needs to be intelligent, pagan, witty, emotional, physically strong, and attractive to my eyes.) And as I've said elsewhere, I'm not willing to ‘settle’ for anything less than the essentials. I can be quite happy alone, so if I don't happen to find what I need in a man, then I would prefer to remain single. But I don't see any particular reason why I shouldn't be able to find what I'm looking for, so that's what I plan to do in the meantime. Even if I don't happen to find my man, it will do the world some good to hear about the desire that many women have for strong, powerful, masculine, dominant men.

DeeMarie

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