Bel, your piece is beautifully expressive of a really key issue in the realm of male/female relations. I can understand completely the position you are in, because I am in it too. I am tall, broad-shouldered, and strong, and outweigh the average "girly" by 50 lbs. And I am capable and independent in all the ways you are, and outspoken, have a career in a male-dominated business, and am proud to be able to "kill my own snakes" (which, by the way, Mrs. Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood says a lady should never do). No one would ever guess that I wanted to be submissive in an intimate relationship.

And I think that is the key -- people shouldn't be guessing. If someone does not know you well, there is no reason for them to even be guessing; and if you are close, or are becoming, close to them, then it is up to you to tell them (him). Ironically, you must be assertive enough to express your need to submit, and ask for that need to be met.

And this is easier said than done, I know. I am in a relationship of 5 years and am only now figuring out that I want to be Taken in Hand, and to (gently) ask my lover to do this. He is listening, but I need to figure out how to ask even more directly. I am looking forward to the sweet reward of doing so.

May you find your own sweet reward in the man who knows how to admire your many strengths and also to assert his own over you.

Cicely

If the kind of conversation you had with your ten friends occurs again (with them or with another group), you might want to make a joking comment like "you know, I wish I could find a man more dominant than I am but most of the guys I know are just wimps."

That kind of comment would be perceived as a challenge to the male ego. Some of the men present might rise to the bait and others will sit quiet.

They guy you are looking for is the one who takes you seriously and is supportive. He may say something like "keep looking, you'll find some" or "Oh, I bet you know some strong men and don't know it".

The guy you don't want is the one who takes the bait ("Oh yeah, I got your dominance right here") or shows off or complains ("Hey, I'm not a wimp!").

The guy you *really* don't want is the one who puts you down or tries to embarass you.

Strong guys have strong egos and can take it.

Another method: try putting the moves on a guy using a nice direct approach. Come on strong, displaying your dominant side in all its glory.

If he backs away or is afraid or "wimps out", he's not the right guy. If he stands his ground and flirts back or takes charge of the situation, then you've found someone interesting.

Bottom line: if you think a man might be dominant, push him. If he is strong and likes to dominate strong women, you might just find the tables turned on you.

Bel, there's a universal bdsm symbol that appears on The Castle and other D/s websites. You could get a ring or necklace with this symbol and wait. Sooner or later someone will recognize it. If a person doesn't recognize it but just asks, make up some other answer.

Wear a stylishly decorated leather choker. Sooner or later someone will remark that it looks like a slave collar. There's your opening.

Carry a copy of "Beauty's Awakening," "Story of O," or "Exit to Eden." Someone who read the book will open a conversation. This gives you a chance to feel him out and see if his interests match yours.

Hiya Bel!

A gay friend of mine tells me he can walk into a room with 100 men and find the one homosexual among them within ten minutes. He has developed the ability to pick up the signals because he has to, because gays can`t usaully be overt the way heteroes are. Heterosexual men rarely need develop the ability to pick up this sort of signaling, so we don`t.

Consequentially, I think the easiest thing to do is to say what you have just put in writing. Don`t bother too much with discrete signals only gays and other women can read. Tell potential suitors that you are looking for a man who is stronger then yourself. Unless you live within a very strict PC regime this should be accepted as a slightly risque, tongue-in-cheek remark. People will go "hehe you are crazy to say such a thing" and you can chuckle along with them.

Someone will notice, sooner or later. And if he hasn`t got 100% of what it takes to handle you to begin with, he will develop that in time. All you need do is reward taken-in-hand type of behavior (really? how interesting, tell me more...) and punish the PC kind (oh right. they taught you this in school, huh?).

You go, girl! Though somehow it strikes me, you`ll be all right without my advice:)

Cheers
Scipio

Bel is wrong to condition her surroundings to her presence if, and only if, behaviorism is a faulty prism through which to view human behavior. If this is so, we must use another prism: Freudian, psycho-dynamic, humanitarian or cognitive, etc. Personally I am inclined to stay where I stand. Bel must impose herself upon her surroundings and interact with them in such a way as to further her goals in life, as must we all. We instruct our surroundings, as our surroundings instruct us. The rest is all details. There is no way out.

Cheers
Scipio

Hi everyone and thanks so much for your advice and supportive comments! I agree with Carl and Bill - the kind of man I'm looking for is the quietly confident one who is supportive, not the loudmouth jerk or the wuss. :)

Bill - to answer your question, I'm looking for a man who is dominant in general. One who doesn't mind a bit of kink in the bedroom (in fact, one who is prepared to initiate it would be nice!), but is masculine and strong and a leader in the relationship. It's not that I don't want to take responsibilty for my own life (I've been doing that perfectly well up till now!) but I want someone who will offer guidance, support and not be afraid to bring me down to earth when I go "off with the pixies" as I am wont to do!

With my search for a dominant guy in mind (and a bit of coaxing from a kinky friend of mine) I decided to begin my hunt this weekend just gone in possibly the stupidest of places. I went to a BDSM nightclub here in Sydney. Didn't find anyone, but I'm not sure if that was because I was a bit intimidated by the people in the room, or because I truly could not tell who was dominant and who was not! I had a great night, though, and danced until dawn (or 5am, anyway. Daylight savings and all that). It was my first "outing" in the kink community, and it was heaps of fun and everyone was so friendly. :) I decided though that the BDSM scene really isn't what I'm into (after watching a gorgeous sub get glad-wrapped to a pillar) and I don't think that I'll find my knight in shining armour there. My housemaid in shining latex, maybe, but not my knight!

So, it's back to my old haunts again, taking in the advice that you guys have given me (and hopefully will continue to give!). Scipio - thank you for the lovely comments, but your second post is a bit of a mystery to me! :) I did theatre at uni, unfortunately, when it's clear that a psyche major would have helped me in my plight. If you could explain your post further, I would be much obliged!

To everyone else, thank you. I have taken some excellent ideas from you all, and your words of encouragement are so wonderful and touching. :) Please don't go away! I promise to keep you all updated in my search for a dominant man... There's a guy at work that I'm a bit sweet on, and intend to ask out for a drink tomorrow, so we'll see where that leads us!

Cheers!
Bel

I'm also a strong and submissive woman. I do not see the two qualitites as opposites, it just means you need a man a little bit more dominant than the rest. Nothing wrong about being above average, is there now?

So if you want to succeed in life, be sure to show your true colours and the man dominant enough will know. When you find a man you like, you should definitely show your backbone and assertiveness, he'll see it as a challenge and the flirting will begin. A little teasing glimmer in your eye never hurts of course.

Best of luck!

Portia

Im kind of in a similar situation as yours... although I am small and girly looking, I have always been the tomboy type and been in male-dominated careers. Outwardly I am a go-getter and very assertive. Over the years I have been jokingly accused of being a dominatrix, though I am capable of it, I am actually a submissive.

To make a long story short, I would strongly urge you to use the internet as your main tool. You can explain and discuss your situation before meeting anyone in person.

I met 5 or 6 men online-then in person before I met my mentor who has been disciplining me for a year now. They all told me the same thing...that if they had known me from a public setting such as work, or a social function of some kind, that they would have never guessed I was a submissive and would not have approached me.

And the few people who know my secret were extremely shocked to find out.. 2 ex's and a male co-worker.

I have found that 'signals' don't work, I flat out tell a prospective man exactly what I need and am looking for, from the safety of the computer of course! Which also allows me to weed out the weirdo's and the players, and there have been many!!! If it weren't for the internet, it would have never happened.

A mentor is someone you look up to and learn from , but usually not a parent. Could be a coach, a teacher, neighbor etc. No we are not having any sex. He is an older "friend" who holds me accountable for staying on the right track and improving myself. He has saved me a lot of money in therapy and stress-related bad habits. He is a wonderful counselor and his guidance, support, and firm hands have saved me from God only knows what.

My life has improved enormously this last year and I long for the day I find a husband with his qualities. I feel priveleged and hope that Bel and anyone else seeking this kind of relationship find what they are looking for.

I agree that it is hard to find a dominant male when you are a woman with a dominant, outgoing personality. I am very much the same. As a single mother, I had to be in complete control. Generally when I saw a man who interested me for one reason or another, I didn't approach him except to talk as a friend. (I tended to be rather meek when interested)

Sometimes you can feel the stifled strength raging quietly beneath a meek mask and help your man to re-train himself to be who he always was but was unallowed to be by domineering women. (I have always been adept at helping people to mutate into a fuller and complete version of themselfes and who they wanted to be.)

Sometimes patience, perserverance, and a bit of dominant-type action is all that's needed. I wish you the best of luck. Let me tell you a short story.

I found my mate (lifemate, male counterpart, husband, whatever, pick a word) at a dinner of friends. We chatted for a while and I made it known to him that he would be mine. I know it is a bit backwards from the way you would think one would do things, but he had been trained for years by other women to be a wimp despite his natural tendencies towards dominance. (many have) He decided at the same time that I would be his. We chatted for about a month via IM and dates, all the while with me encouraging him to be the real man I saw inside of him. I am always yeilding and submissive in the bedroom, and he has always known that he is in complete control there, but we had come to a plateau in his realization of himself as a real man in other aspects of our lives. We have been together for a little over a year now, and tonight I finally told him that I wanted him to take me in hand, and what that meant to me. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new journey for us both.

It can and does happen. It took me years to find the right man and the right method, but being forward worked for me so that I could find a man who was capable of facing my strength without fear and could take me in hand. Don't give up hope!

Bel,

I'm in a new relationship with a woman who, like you, is strong, commanding and feminine. And she also has no problem establishing boundaries and expressing expectations. But as we got to know each other, she revealed her need to be controlled by me little by little.

She gave me verbal hints and I took them.

It's a whole new experience for me, and I struggled with this at first. It is not my nature to lead, but I've worked on it and now we both enjoy our relationship and are having a wonderful time. It has been a growth experience for me.

So I say be brave and speak up. Tell your man what you want. It may take a while, but if all the other parts of the dynamic are good, then it may well grow into a richer and more satisfying relationship.