Our new beginning

My wife and I have been married for about thirteen years. At times our marriage was a happy one. However, several times infidelity on her part was evident. I, a forgiving person, continually forgave her. But, as time went on each incident became more damaging then the first. Towards the end I found that my wife no longer respected me. She saw me as a week scourge or henpecked. We divorced and I moved on.

A year later we begin dating again and remarried. We have been back together now for about five years. This time around has been great. We have spoken about me being more lovingly dominant and firm with her. She claimed that she loves a man to be dominant and yet she resents him for it. In short she did not know what she really wanted. We did have had several major incidents and we have toyed with the use of punitive force in the past but never seriously.

Well now I am in my 40s and she in her 30s a change of demeanor seems to have occurred. Today I was at work and angry with her over the usual power struggles between us. I never try to be controlling, I try to value her freedom of choice and ideas. But lately things have become bizarre to say the least. However, being at work and being upset, I realized that I would be no good to my boss. I asked for the afternoon off. My intent was too come home and speak to my wife and try to gain a mutual understanding. When I arrived home she was in our room and on the internet. Upon seeing me she quickly shut town the computer and we began to address what was bothering me.

Suddenly all the hurt and anger from her infidelity seemed to creep out in our conversation. Don’t get me wrong – I by no means used the past to make her feel bad or guilty. But I started to see the hurt in her eyes. I walked out on the balcony to have a smoke.

To my surprise my wife gently approached me softly and submissively without any anger in her voice. She grabbed me by my hand and led me into our front room. At this point I only thought she wanted to continue to talk. I sat down on our couch and I expected her to sit next to me. But instead she went and locked the front door and closed the drapes, then approached me, asking me to spank her for thirteen years of guilt that she has been feeling. I did not know how to handle this. I once asked her to submit to this in the past but she refused, and I never brought the subject up again. So at first, I was a bit reluctant, but she encouraged me and assured me that I was in control. So I spanked her soundly.

Afterwards, she wrapped her arms around me and asked if I forgive her. She said that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I know that it was hard for her to submit to such a thing. My wife is a strong-willed woman and at times can be arrogant. The love that I felt for her after I spanked her was overwhelming. It seemed that all the hurt and anger between us went away. We further were able to discuss things between us that in the past we were unable to. I know that my wife will continue to have a strong will and that is ok with me. But she is committed to trying to change our lives to allow me to lead, nurture, and protect her. And I will be in control.

Take the Taken In Hand Tour

Have you seen the following articles?
What Taken In Hand is, and what it is not
What Taken In Hand has done for our marriage
Surrendering to the man I nearly destroyed
The alpha male and masculine power
No more waiting!
Changing for myself
Subjugation or submission?
The importance of making myself available
Don't forget your whip
When rape is a gift

2004 Oct 20 - 07:10 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Good luck to you

13 years of infidelity is a major pattern that shows a person has a big problem, whether it is morals, disappointment in the person she married, or what have you. Mine was a situational aberration.

I was in graduate school and my boyfriend, whom I loved dearly, was in a car accident that nearly killed him. He was out of school for a semester. During that time I found myself lonely and horny, and I succumbed to the temptation of another man. Maybe # 1 boyfriend and myself were "going steady" but we weren't married nor even engaged. In a lot of circles, what I did wouldn't even be a big deal since there were no promises spoken.

Well, someone ratted me out to the # 1 boyfriend and he tricked me into getting over his knee for what I thought would be a fun and erotic spanking. Instead he went beyond fun and gave me a punishment spanking I'd never agreed to, plus he ignored our safeword.

This didn't solve anything. It didn't convince me of his male dominance. I was hurt and angry and felt betrayed. Because I recognized I didn't have the moral high ground, I continued in the relationship and forgave him for his part in this fiasco.

He still had trouble forgiving me for being with someone else while he was at home recuperating. We stayed together another year and a half but then parted company. The rest of the relationship was loving and good but the issue of my single case of infidelity remained a problem until the end.

Good luck to you both, but if your second marriage succeeds it isn't because you spanked her. It might be because you so have become what she wants of you: a dominant man.

Tinkerbell

by Tinkerbell on 2004 Oct 20 - 19:17 | reply to this comment

Spanking to resolve guilt feelings

It seems to me that you, Tinkerbell, are underestimating the role that spanking can have in dealing with guilt feelings. Obviously it did not work out in your specific experience. Spanking is not a cure-all for every situation. However, it can play exactly the role ascribed to it in the original article.

Many years ago, before my husband and I had established a taken in hand relationship, I was in a similar situation. I had fallen into a online conversation with a man in which we were writing about sexual fantasies with each other. It had moved so gradually from mild flirting to this point that it took me by surprise. Suddenly one day I realized that this was a virtual affair and not something I wanted to be doing.

I found my guilt feelings difficult to deal with and was greatly helped by receiving a spanking. This was my first real punishment spanking and important in my eventual realization that I wanted to be taken in hand.

So, based on my experience, it seems quite possible to me that the original poster can look forward to the new beginning he describes. I too wish him all the best.

J

by LadyK on 2004 Oct 21 - 02:23 | reply to this comment

My experience

No spanking can wash away years of betrayal. In my case I'd already decided to break off with boyfriend #2 and go back to boyfriend #1 and I didn't feel any particular guilt release was necessary.

People are just more complicated than that. For a while, my love was out of it..not interested in spanking or sex or anything, because of some meds he was on. One night, he refused to even give me a reassuring hug because "it didn't feel real to him."

That made me feel very hurt and I began retaliating verbally. Told him I needed a sub because then at least I would get my needs met. He didn't like this, was seething inside, but didn't say anything.

Finally one night he was up to playing. I could sense an edge. You just know when someone is angry. So I said, all right then, make it real if you are really mad at me. And he did. All the anger and hurt came out, on both sides. Magical, right?

No. The episode wasn't over because he was still on those meds. So his indifference continued. I'd felt a little reassured at the time but then the bad feelings came creeping back. Spanking cannot solve complex problems between people. I just don't buy that.

Fortunately, he went off the meds and is back to his lovely self, and no further problems. But the spanking gave momentary relief and that is all.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Oct 23 - 06:38 | reply to this comment

Differing experiences

You had an experience in which spanking was not helpful. You appear to generalize from your experience that spanking cannot solve complex problems. However, I had an experience in which spanking was helpful. This seems to indicate that both outcomes are possible.

Both of our situations bear some resemblence to that in which the original poster found himself. Since he believes that spanking was helpful for his situation, I inclined to accept to his assessment. After all, he was there. I do not think it is reasonable to tell him that things did not happen the way he thought they did.

J

by LadyK on 2004 Oct 23 - 19:08 | reply to this comment

Complex problems do not usually have simple solutions

... is that, maybe things happened the way he thought they did at that moment but that in a situation where there is a complex problem between two people, one action, whatever it is, isn't going to be a permanent solution. Hurt feelings and anger and so on will crop up again some other time and have to be dealt with again.

Your situation was not as much like his as you think. You drifted almost accidentally into what you term a "cyber affair." Yet had you not confessed it, the issue would have been solely in your own mind and a struggle with your own conscience. So it wasn't really a deep seated problem between you and your husband. You didn't commit any physical infidelity, and this was a one time episode that snuck up on you. I agree, whatever action was taken to alleviate your guilt and give you an incentive not to return to this "affair" was very likely to work.

My situation was in between the two. It was physical. It was a one time thing also spurred by the fact that my boyfriend was away. But he was told about it by another person and so there was anger and hurt pride on his part. And so the spanking didn't solve it. It kept cropping up. Not on my part because even before he spanked me I already knew I was done with the other guy and would not continue the outside relationship. The problem kept recurring on his part, he was unhappy about what happened and he kept bringing it up every time we had a disagreement.

And that's on a much lower level of complexity than a situation where a spouse committed adultery over a 13 year period, the marriage dissolved and now they are together again. The spanking has cleared the air but my prediction is, the issue is not dead and it will be back to trouble them.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Oct 24 - 02:37 | reply to this comment

We are not talking about a simple solution

There are a lot of things going on in the original poster's relationship with his wife. According to his description, the spanking he described was an important step in resolving their problems. I believe him.

Marriages need constant work. Nothing, including spanking, is a one time solution after which the couple can stop working on the marriage. However, it does sound like this spanking was a turning point for them and their relationship is moving in a better direction now.

I am pleased to see the original poster feeling more hopeful about his marriage and it disturbs me to see you dumping on him with a "it probably won't last" attitude. It seems to me needlessly cruel.

J

by LadyK on 2004 Oct 24 - 17:26 | reply to this comment

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