On being the head of the household
Being the head of the household in a marriage with domestic discipline (DD) is not about demands on your wife, or punishing your wife whenever you feel like it, or getting what you want all the time. It is not about the man letting his ego run amok. The wife is not a slave to her husband. There is love and respect both from the husband to his wife and from the wife to her husband, as in all good marriages. But it goes further than that. The husband is the head of the household, but together they are a team.
At some point, the couple has decided that the wife is going to let go of the reins of the marriage, allowing her husband to lead them together to a common goal. They have discussed, and agreed as a team, to this common goal. Then she has backed off and looked to her husband to take them there. What does he get out of it? A loving, respectful, and obedient wife. A household in which he can lead and is confident that she will follow.
My wife and I met over 29 years ago. We have been married for over 25 years. Without ever talking about it, we found ourselves living a lifestyle that we have come to find is referred to as a male dominant/female submissive relationship. From the beginning, she looked to me for leadership and guidance in the major decisions we faced.
Even though she never questioned my role as the head of the household, we did experiment with the level of control she gave me. At times we tried to be equals in all things. But we never achieved true equality. Society told her that no woman should ever be truly submissive to her man. So she tried to be less submissive and take a stronger role, but it just wasn't who she is by her nature. I never perceived this as a weakness on her part, because I could tell she was happy being submissive to me. This is what she herself prefers.
This is not a Master/slave relationship. In such a relationship, the woman would have no voice. She would be expected to give up all semblance of control to the man. Neither my wife nor I like this idea. I wanted a woman who had a voice and wasn't afraid to say what was on her mind. That is not possible in a Master/slave relationship.
About a year ago, we discovered domestic discipline. To us, DD meant that as a couple, we would talk about where we were headed as a family. We focused on us, our children, where we lived, how we spent our money, and any other factors that impacted our lives together. One could think of this much like a company looks at the future of the business, what will make the business a success, and sets forth a plan to achieve that success.
In our house, I am the head of our family. Together, my wife and I talk over our future. As a team, we know our financial situation, our mutual dreams and desires, and all aspects of our lives together. We are constantly talking things over and she is giving me her views and thoughts. In the end, though, as the head of the household, it is my responsibility to set the goals for us, and to determine what she is responsible for. Though this sounds terribly sterile or cold and calculating, it really isn't. The foundation that has held us together all of these years is friendship first. Then comes love and respect. I want to make her as happy as I can. If I could give her the world, I would in a second. But reality sets limits on how much of the world I can give her at this point in our lives.
To the outside world, we look no different than any other couple with only subtle differences. We don't argue – in private or in public. She does not make plans with friends or family without first checking with me. She has an allowance that is reasonable for anything that she wants for herself. She lets me know when she is going out during the day while I'm at work and carries her cell phone with her while she is out in the event I need to contact her or for her safety if she has any problems. She also realizes that these limits or rules are for her safety and security.
From my point of view, what I receive from our relationship is a peace of mind regarding our home life. I know that there won't be any surprises when I get home after work. I know where she is and if she is out of the house for some reason, when to expect her home. I don't have to worry about our finances. I know where our money situation is at all times because she has either used her allowance for the extras that she wanted, or has checked with me first before spending anything extra out of our joint account.
She thrives on knowing her limits and living within them. I have always admitted that I enjoy a high level of control at home and at work, but I am not one that wants or likes to be a micromanager. I like to set guidelines and limits and expect them to be met.
My wife fully understands that I try very hard to be fair in my judgment and will not abuse my role as HOH or abuse her in any way. She trusts me and I am very careful with that trust. We have a very loving relationship built from friendship. What else can a husband ask to get out of any marriage? Domestic discipline enhances an already great relationship.
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Comments
#1 Society again
Bill, you wrote:
we did experiment with the level of control she gave me. At times we tried to be equals in all things. But we never achieved true equality. Society told her that no woman should ever be truly submissive to her man. So she tried to be less submissive and take a stronger role, but it just wasn't who she is by her nature. I never perceived this as a weakness on her part, because I could tell she was happy being submissive to me. This is what she herself prefers.
When I read things like this I feel angry about society telling us to deny our preferences as women. Surely we have lost so much because of society throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Can we recapture the love and passion of earlier times while retaining the gains we have as women in the world of work? What do you think, guys?
#2 Society Again
Helen,
I can't agree with you more. My wife and I thought the intent of the women's movement was to give women the freedom to be who they are and not be restricted for artificial reasons. My wife's objective in her early years was to be a good wife to me and a good mother to our kids. She felt that to do this in the way that she wanted, meant staying home and not taking an additional career outside of the house.
While we dated, we talked about her views of a wife and mother and agreed that if we could afford what we felt were our necessities and a few extras, then staying home was what she would do. With a lot of hard work and even more good fortune, we were able to achieve that goal right from our start when we started having our children.
What was so hard for her was the fact that where we lived, every other mother worked outside of the home. Not a single mother stayed home in our neighborhood. That was fine as far as we were concerned as that must have been their choice. However, they all did their level best to let my wife know that she should not be happy staying home as she was doing. Somehow, she must not be fulfilling her true potential.
As far as we were concerned, she was using the talents that she had and the degree in education that she earned to raise our kids and to give them a head start in their education.
Helen, what other woman do and why they work, is up to each of them. I am very happy that my wife was a stay-at-home mom for our kids. I also am very happy that she did not have a career outside of the house as that allowed me to do what was necessary to move my career along to the point that it is now. That required a lot of moving around the country over the years, and she never questioned or refused any real need to move.
We are now essentially empty-nesters and love the free time and the passion that we share together. She has numerous hobbies that keep her as busy as she wants to be and they give her the freedom to be able to up and go with me whenever I can take her on a trip for my job. It also gives her the freedom to up and go someplace with me on a whim like yesterday when we decided on the spur of the moment to go to DisneyWorld for the day.
I agree that women should not be held back in the work place. A woman or a man should have equal opportunities to advance, to succeed, and even to fail depending on their abilities and not on who or what they are. But I am also sorry if society today does not like the fact that I like my wife to be at home and not have a career in addition to her career as wife and mother. I am thankful that I found a woman 29 years ago that shared that same dream.
Bill
#3 That's great, Bill!
That's great, Bill! It sounds liek you two have a great relationship there. Don't let the feminazis get to you!
#4 Thank You
Bill,
I loved reading your article, it certainly sounds as though you and your wife have found the perfect combination. I have been married previously and found myself constantly doing things, that in retrospect, eroded our marriage. I was screaming out for him to do something about it, but he always accepted everything that I did. Whilst to some women this is the ideal situation I hated it. I wanted him to say no, to take a little control (I didn't know at the time that this was what I needed) I was wandering around, knowing something was wrong (for me),
but had no idea what it was. I am now in a relationship with an incredible, loving man, that does not tolerate me risking our relationship. I have come to life under his firm hand, and while I do not pretend to enjoy the pain that comes with discipline, I enjoy the feeling of protection and security that it gives me. I am a person with a very strong personality and can certainly hold my own in most situations, rather than having that stifled (as "society" believes it will be in a DD relationship) I find that by knowing that I have a firm but supportive partner by my side I can do anything!!! That strength has not been taken off me, but is in fact stronger than ever!!!!! I have never been happier or more fulfilled in life as I am right now