Men sometimes ask how to initiate a Taken In Hand relationship with their girlfriend or wife. I am a woman over 40 and a feminist. I have a doctoral degree and own my own consulting firm. I am the sole breadwinner in my family and I have been married over 20 years.

Our relationship had long been in place and I was clearly more comfortable in any realm where I had control. Intimacy was a distant memory. Deep inside I wanted to be taken in hand and was terrified to admit that this superwoman, super mom wanted nothing more than to be submissive. How could I admit that at home I wanted to give up control? I wanted my husband to lead me. I wanted to feel like a woman again and not some efficient money-making machine. I was the one who finally proposed the exchange of power, and I will never regret it.

I have given the issue of how a man with a wife like me could initiate this concept, test the waters to see what happens, and slowly over the course of several months, assert himself into the role of head of the household. If approached slowly and with love, I believe that a woman will come around. If she doesn't, then certainly a more direct approach right off the bat would probably have backfired big time.

Of course there is risk to pushing, even gently. You could scare her further away. Generally speaking, in a long-term relationship, where love and commitment already exist and a hasty exit without discussion would be unlikely, I would say, move ever forward. Don't give up. Don't backslide. Don't be bullied into your old role. You are taming the shrew, and you must assume she wants to be tamed. Assert control and increase your charm in increments. If you are wrong, she will never give an inch, she will fight you all the way. After months of trying and making no progress, you may need to re-evaluate. You could then put your cards on the table and see what happens.

I am no expert but I believe this approach is worth a try. These are just one woman's suggestions to inspire you. You know your wife or girlfriend best. Use that knowledge to adapt these ideas for her as the individual she is. What would work in one case might be disastrous in another case.

General Rules

Occasionally call her your bride when referring to her in front of others (even if she objects: the term implies pride in her beauty as well as some possessiveness).

When at a restaurant, ask what she wants, and then when the waiter comes over, immediately order for her and then yourself.

Always hold her hand in public. Always! This is not optional. Do not let her pull her hand away. If she attempts to walk away, squeeze her hand and gently pull her back to your side. Lean over and whisper in her ear asking her why she needs to leave you. Make her tell you. Then smile, kiss her cheek, and let her hand go. If the excuse is nothing more than a way to get you to let go of her hand, tell her she can do that later and continue to hold her hand. She is unlikely to cause a scene. As she stands there livid, she realizes you literally have the upper hand. She doesn't want to create a scene in public, and you won't let go. She has no choice but to do as you say. Each time this happens, you show her your strength and power over her.

Anticipated response: “Don't ever do that again.”

Reply: “I just love having you near me.” Keep doing it. You may have to take her hand, because she will be unlikely to offer it. Once again, if you do this when others are present, she will hopefully feel too awkward, to refuse. If she pulls away, say quite loudly, “Now honey, don't be that way” and quickly take her hand. Don't let go. You have to be willing to be forceful in this regard even if it may cause others to stare. They will simply think it is a lover's quarrel when they see you are smiling and looking on her with love and she is pouting. You can't let what others think prevent you from proceeding. She may have a higher tolerance for making a scene than you do. Outlast her.

Always open car doors for her.

Anticipated response: “You don't need to do that. I don't like it.”

Reply: “Oh, but I do.” Smile, end of conversation.

Anticipated response: She rushes to the car door before you and opens it herself.

Reply: Open the car door again. Unlock her seat belt. Readjust it so that it fits her snugly making sure to give her breasts a stroke with the back of your knuckles as you do so. Then kiss her on the cheek and say, “Just want you safe, my love.” This is much more intrusive and intimate than the door being opened, so may result in her allowing you to open the car door in the future to avoid this. Other women watching will find it tender and romantic.

Whenever your efforts to initiate intercourse are rejected, get dressed and leave the house for at least a couple of hours. If she asks where you are going, just respond almost as if you are excited about it, “Out for a drive. You get some sleep. Sweet dreams.” Kiss her on the forehead before you go. The goal is to give her room to doubt her hold on you or at least on your lovemaking. Could you be seeing someone who won't deny you? Is she at risk of losing you? Simply plant this seed by allowing for the possibility in her mind. At some point, you might even stay out all night. (You can sleep in your office). Then if she questions you, simply state, “You were so tired; I didn't think you'd even notice I was gone. I couldn't sleep so I went to the office to catch up on some work.” This should be true by the way. A nervous woman is more likely to take risks in opening herself up to intimacy and abandoning some control.

Never give in to temper tantrums. When she gets bitchy, ignore her completely. If she has PMS, however, pour her a glass of water, hand her two Midol PMS pills, and say, “I love you even when you're all PMSy.” Then ask her if she'd like some cuddle time. Honor her request.

Initial Steps: No Positive Response Needed from Her

Note left in wallet, “You drive me wild.”

Tell her to close her eyes while you tell her a dream you ‘had’ about her that was sexy and sweet.

If she is in her later 30s to early 50s, tease her often about hitting her sexual peek. Tell her it is obvious that she is hitting it because men can sense it. If you leave town, tell her you may have to get her a chastity belt because you don't want any other men sniffing around while you're gone. [Your assumption that other men would and should be attracted to her will be very flattering, even if she does not appear flattered.]

When you catch her about to wake up, position yourself so that it is obvious that you were admiring her body while she slept. Then when she notices, kiss her on the lips and hip and say: “Good Morning you unbelievably sexy woman, you.”

When you are in public and get separated talking to different people, make sure she catches you looking at her with interest and a smile as if you can't stop thinking about her. Periodically cross the room and as you put you arm around her waist, slide it up so that your hand is under her arm and your fingers are actually along the side of her breast for a moment. Not enough for anyone to notice, but enough for her to realize you just touched her breast in public. Then whisper in her ear before you walk away again, “You look so sexy in that dress.”

Develop the fine art of winking. Wink at her from across the room. Wink at her across the table during a meal out. The wink is an unspoken intimacy and it is very flattering to the recipient. Let other women see you wink at her. They will tell her how lucky she is to have a husband who is so attentive, always holding her hand, opening her car door, putting his arm around her, calling her his bride, etc. The more that others tell her she is lucky, the more she will have to think about the fact that the other husbands don't seem to do this for their wives.

Anything you can do to make her blush, even if it is in front of strangers (not people she knows.) At the mall, at a restaurant, etc., you can say to the clerk or server, this is my bride of xx years, isn't she absolutely beautiful?” They will of course say yes. Start out by doing this with older women who will find you charming. Then try it with a male, but change the question to, “Aren't I a lucky man.” As a member of the brotherhood of men, unless he still has pimples, he will say, “Yes sir, you certainly are.” You have now elicited a compliment from an unknown male and she has heard it. Is he just saying that to be polite, or does he think it for real? What a total rush for your wife. Even if she protests, your goal has been accomplished, and you can say, “I can't help myself.” It may have been a long time since she thought of herself as a prize.

Make a reservation at a charming bed and breakfast within a short driving distance. On a Saturday afternoon, when you know your calendars are clear, tell her you need her to accompany you on a commonplace errand. Have a bag packed for her in the car trunk. No pyjamas necessary, you simply forgot to pack them. (A toothbrush, cosmetics, medication, change of clothes.) Then drive her to the hotel and check in. Each time she asks, tell her it is a surprise. When you arrive, tell her she needed a mini vacation. Then stroll along a small town and browse antique shops, or something she would enjoy that you would ordinarily hate doing. Be a really good sport about it. Have reservations someplace quiet and romantic for dinner. When you get in bed, tell her how much you love her and you enjoyed spending the day with her. You know how tired she is, so if she wakes up in the night and wants you to make love to her, simply kiss you awake. Whether or not there is intimacy this night is her call. This is her vacation. Your goal is to show her that it is not just about sex, but also about enjoying time together.

Intermediate Stage: Playing with Fire

When watching TV, sit next to her on the couch. As soon as she says she's tired and turning in, say, “Come kiss me good night after you brush your teeth.” This gives her time to brush her teeth, wash her face, put on her pyjamas, etc. Then when she comes back out, pick her up and carry her to bed. If she doesn't come kiss you goodnight, go into the bedroom.

Once she is in bed, tuck the covers all around her. Kiss her gently on the forehead. Say, “I love you. Sweet dreams my darling.” Then leave her alone. While she sleeps, take a permanent marker and write your name just above her pubic area. When she throws a fit in the morning, feign innocence: “What a sweet thing for you to do. Honey, that must be just about the nicest gifts any man could ever receive. You are full of surprises.” Then kiss her. Do not respond to questions. Do not respond to anger.

Every woman has to bend over to pick up newspapers, junk on the floor, toys, things she dropped. Regardless of whether it is true or not, simply for the sake of this exercise, she must believe that you honestly assume that each time you catch her doing this she is trying to sexually entice you. When you catch her bending over, say: “You know that drives me crazy when you bend over like that. In fact, I suspect you do it on purpose just for that reason.”

Anticipated response: “I do not.”

Reply: “You can't fool me, you little tease.”

The next time you catch her in the position, say, “I knew it. There you go again. Driving me crazy bending over like that. Next time you do that, I'm going to assume it's an invitation.”

Anticipated response: “It is not.”

Reply: “Then you best not be bending over around me anymore.”

Then the next time you see her bending over, assume it is an invitation. Make a sexual sound like a growl, slap her on the rear, pick her up and carry her to the bedroom.

Anticipated response: “Stop it. Let me go right now.”

Reply: “Not until you apologize.”

Anticipated response: “For what?”

Reply: “For taunting me with your sweet ass again. Repeat after me, ‘I'm sorry for tempting you with my sweet ass again.’” Don't let her up until she says it. Then say, “Apology accepted, but only this once.”

Then the next time, take it one step further in bed. Don't let her up until she let's you kiss her breasts, etc. Each time it goes a bit further. This should be very playful in your tone.

Situate yourself spread eagle behind her on the floor or on the bed, and wrap your legs around hers and your arms around her as well. “I want you to rest your head back on me and describe a sexual fantasy or make believe story.”

Anticipated response: “I don't have any.” Or “Absolutely not. Let me go.”

Reply: Wrap your legs and arms around tighter and don't let go. “You don't leave until you tell me a sexy story. You have a great imagination. No excuses.”

Anticipated response: Silence or “No.”

Reply: “If you had to write a sexy romance novel would the theme be: pirate/captive, patient/doctor, school girl/professor? Pick one. Now tell me what is your lovely heroine's name? [Insert her name?] How did she meet her rogue, [insert your name]? Does she resist him initially? How does he win her over? Does he do this?” Start touching her breasts. If there is no resistance, continue the questioning, “What about this?” Touch her elsewhere; continue the pattern.

Anticipated response: Stop It.

Reply: Then tell me the story.

Anticipated response: She tells one and really tries.

Reply: “Why you little vixen you! I can't believe you think of naughty things like that.” Then let her go.

Anticipated response: She tells one but makes no effort, and willfully makes it boring or ends poorly, like the heroine slaps the rogue and leaves the country never to be seen again.

Reply: “We need to work on your story telling skills. We'll practice again soon. I'll give you an example. Make her the lovely innocent and you the rogue. She is kidnapped by you and taken from her father because he was enraptured by her beauty. He is a bit rough around the edges, but never hurts her. Nevertheless, he feels free to have his way with her whenever he wishes, and will only pull her back into the bed, and spank her bottom, if she attempts to get away. Otherwise he is very gentle. Over time she realizes that he loves her. But she resists enjoying his touch, she tries to hide the redness in her face when she sees him staring at her bare body. Then he suddenly disappears without a word, leaving her stranded in his home/boat/castle with no clothes, no way out, but plenty of food. For a week she waits, alone, feeling abandoned, realizing that she actually misses him, even aches for his touch. Then he returns carrying a wardrobe filled with beautiful dresses and jewelry he has chosen just for her. She falls into his arms and he carries her to the bed, and they live happily ever after.

[Note: As ridiculous as this sounds, there must be some reason millions of women read this story line over and over again in romance novels. This is exactly what you are trying to accomplish.]

When you finish the story, you say, “So the rogue, while not perfect, treasures his sweet little captive. And with lots of patience and lots of love, he finally awakened in her the desire she had long suppressed.” [Meaning, she does not lack passion or a sex drive. She is simply suppressing it. And your evil plot is to unlock the box.]

While she is sitting on the couch or in a chair, walk up from behind her, encircle your hand around a large amount of hair and hold it. Then tell her you are going to brush her hair.

Anticipated response: “Stop it.”

Reply: If she attempts to move away, hang on to the hair that you had initially placed in your hand. As long as it is a handful of hair and not a few strands, it shouldn't hurt her, but it will keep her in the seat. “Oh no you don't. I've wanted to do this a long time, and you're going to sit there while I enjoy myself. Go ahead and watch your TV show and don't mind me.” Then when finished, lift her hair and kiss her on the back of the neck, and whisper, “Now that wasn't so bad, was it.”

Anticipated response: “Yes it was.”

Reply: “Then I obviously need more practice.”

If she has a ratty t-shirt or something she wears to bed that you hate, throw it away. When she questions if you know where it is, play dumb. If she has no sleepwear that satisfies you, one day when she is out, take all of the pajamas out of her closet and hide them in a box in the garage. When she notices, tell her that you were tired of her wearing clothes to bed that hid her beautiful body, so she can sleep nude or she is free to purchase from among the items you have selected for her online. Then show her what you have chosen for her from VictoriaSecret.com or similar site. You can place it in a cart so she can review the items and choose with you.

Anticipated response: That night she shows up for bed in another baggy T-shirt. Smile at her wryly and wait until she goes to sleep. Then with a flashlight so you can see what you are doing, carefully cut the t-shirt from top to bottom (front or back – it doesn't matter). When she wakes up, she'll get the idea. Her options were nude or your choice. Repeat this until she breaks down and chooses to order from your selection.

While at dinner at a restaurant, where she can't easily get away, describe for her an erotic dream that includes spanking for a real reason, followed by intense love and loyalty. Make the example one where she had risked her safety (no seat belt, driving while drinking, etc.) Then tell her it feels good to have a woman you can not only dream about but you can share your dreams with.

At this stage, whenever she gets a bit surly or bossy, give her a playful swat (not a caress) on the bottom, and say, “Careful, you don't want a real spanking, or do you?” This should be repeated many times. Whenever she objects, tell her that she brought it on herself by doing whatever it was she wasn't suppose to do.

Advanced Stage: Intimacy

When she is out of the house, remove locks from all bedroom doors so she can't lock you out or find a place to sleep where she can keep you at bay. It is fine to leave locks on the bathrooms doors. If she chooses to sleep in the bathroom all night, she probably will only pull that stunt once.

Each time she seems to be resistant to intimacy, you must give a show of strength and assert your will. Grab her arms, and while kissing her forcefully, move her arms behind her back, and hold them there. This should in no way hurt her, but is intended to make clear that with your superior strength, you could easily force her if you chose to do so. Then after a long hard kiss. Look into her eyes, and let her go, and walk away saying absolutely nothing. Ignore anything she may say that is negative and walk away, responding only with a triumphant smile. You are calm. She is flustered or angry. You have won that round.

Plan a date night and that morning before going to work, set out the outfit you want her to wear. Tell her to have it on when it is time to go out. because that particular outfit emphasizes her beautiful (breasts, legs, rear end, or such). Don't ask her. Tell her.

Anticipated response: She isn't dressed in the outfit you chose.

Reply: “You're not dressed. Shall you go change into the outfit I chose for you or would you prefer that I dress you?”

Anticipated response: She objects and refuses.

Reply: Repeat your statement looking directly into her eyes without anger but with authority in your voice, “Will you go change into the outfit I chose or would you prefer that I dress you?”

Anticipated response: She still refuses.

Reply: If she really wanted to go on the date, tell her you are disappointed she doesn't want to go and proceed to fix a sandwich from the fridge. If she won't be disappointed by your canceling the date, then tell her that you assume her refusal to change herself, means she wants you to dress her. Then reach to begin undressing her.

Anticipated response: She literally dodges you.

Reply: Do not chase her or force it. Stay in place and remain calm. Stare at her then tell her that her decision will have consequences. Refuse to explain further. If she didn't really want to go, take her out anyway. If she now refuses to go, or really wanted to go, don't take her. The next time she is out of the house, remove all of her clothing and place it in a closet to which you have installed a lock and have the only key. Remember to pull any of her dirty clothes out of the laundry room too. When she realizes she has no clothes, explain that from now on, you will be picking her clothes every day since she seems unable to compromise with a simple request for a date night. Then she only gets clothes that day if she must go to work or attend a critical meeting. When she agrees to wear what you like for date nights, give her back only the clothes that you like and those that she must wear for work.

At some point when you are taking her somewhere that she really wants to go, and where you are very unlikely to run into anyone either of you know, ask her to wear a short sleeved shirt with fabric that stretches. When she comes out ready to go, walk up to her and tell her that there is one more thing you need to do first, then through her shirt, unhook her bra. Reach up one sleeve and pull down the strap below her elbow and over her hand. Then proceed with the other strap. Then if her shirt is untucked, reach up under her shirt and pull the bra off removing it from under her shirt. If the shirt is tucked in, reach down the front of her shirt and pull the bra out of one sleeve, then the other. Then lay the bra to the side and tell her that now you're ready to go out with me. Keep one hand on her lower back to keep her from backing away from you.

Anticipated response: “What do you think you are doing? Stop. I can't go out without a bra on!”

Reply: “Okay then, we won't go.”

Anticipated response: “Fine then, I'll go without you.”

Reply: “I don't think so.” Hold up both sets of car keys. Without the keys, she has to choose whether to go braless or not go at all.

When you hear her in the shower, wait until you believe she is just about done, then step into the shower with her.

Anticipated response: She stays.

Reply: Kiss her and touch her breasts; you know the rest. Tell her she looks unbelievably sexy when she is wet. If there is any intimacy permitted at all, after the shower, you get a towel for her and start to hand it to her. Then you say, “Wait a minute. Not so fast.” Then you dry her off. First wrap the towel around her and kiss her while the towel soaks up most of the moisture and then pat dry her entire body paying close attention to her pubic area and breasts and bottom. Finish by saying, “All done, would you like me to add some lotion?” Even if she says no, as you walk away, say, “Well then, anytime I can be of assistance, just let me know. I'm always happy to help.”

Anticipated response: The second you get in the shower, she bolts out of the shower.

Reply: Snicker loudly as if mocking her modesty.

Rent and watch really romantic movies in the dark together. During the movie, wait on her. Ger her water, a bowl of grapes, etc. Hand her tissues if she cries and tell her you love that she has such a romantic heart. Give her a foot massage while she watches the movie. During the movie, make it obvious you are watching her as much as you are watching the movie. After the movie, tell her you'll clean up while she gets ready for bed. When you get in bed, kiss her neck, ears, lips. Whisper to her that you love her. Then make love to her.

Anticipated response: Any word that comes out of her mouth should be met with your index finger over her lips and a soft “Shhhhhhh. I'm making love to my lovely wife tonight so don't interrupt me.”

At some point when she has violated your instructions after having been cautioned before that there would be consequences next time, take her hand. Look her in the eyes. Tell her, “I told you there would be consequences.” Pull her over your knee, and slap her on the bottom 2 or 3 times. Announce that this was just a small demonstration of what happens when she disobeys. Help her stand up, and keep a firm hold on her. Look her in the eyes, and tell her, “I love you. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and so is our relationship. I have waited far too long to take you in hand. Things will be different around here. Make no mistake. I will tan your backside if you don't start showing me some respect around here. Are we clear?”

Truthful Scout

Take the Taken In Hand Tour