Obedience and autonomy
I do not ‘obey’ Frank in the biblical sense. This ‘obedience’ is an important aspect of domestic discipline, D/s, BDSM and I cannot describe its workings in all of these various frameworks. What I will describe is what works for me and how I see it within my relationship with Frank. I think it would be very interesting to see how others see this and how it works for them in their relationships.
Let me begin by saying that yes I do obey Frank, but that obedience comes from a different source than having been directed (by this I mean discussed and decided that this is a necessary part of our relationship, and I must do as he says because he has the authority to make decisions in my (our) self interest) by him to do so, or even a mutual decision by both of us to allow him this authority. The reason I say this is because long term, day to day I know myself well enough to know I would not do well within that sort of structure, and truthfully neither would Frank. For me it would be the source of constant conflict and would eventually fail, and I would rebel against it. It would rob me of my ability to effect choices within the relationship and feel as if I were an active participant. I have no doubt that many women who do choose to ‘obey’ their husbands feel very involved in making choices within their relationship, this one (of obedience) being one of them.
This does not sound very submissive, but I do submit and I do obey. The source of that submission and obedience is not because Frank is HOH and we have chosen to allow him that position to make decisions for us. Its source is intrinsic. Its source is my decision to meet my obligations to our relationship. Is this any different from a woman deciding to let her husband be the final say and she choosing to obey those decisions? Maybe it isn't, but its message is for me.
I think it keeps the door to fluidity open wide and allows us both to respond to our obligations to the relationship as a separate entity. There is Frank, there is me, and there is our shared relationship. My obligation to it is what directs my decisions. I do obey him when it enhances our relationship and keeps it safe and working. If I choose to not consider our relationship and cause a disruption, he has my consent to act in the best interest of ‘us’ by using discipline to reconnect me to it. My choice that caused the disruption was not disobedience. It could have been for many reasons that seemed very valid to me. If its effect is to cause disruption, discipline will correct that by making me very aware of how he was left feeling.
I just feel more autonomous within this framework. Remember I am only talking about myself. I do believe many women will feel comfortable within a structure based on HOH and obedience and that they will be entirely successful. I am in no way saying hey, you have to obey your husband, you must not have any autonomy within your relationship. I have no right to suppose that and I do not.
Now, does Frank decide when discipline is needed and do I submit to it? Yes! He does and yes I do. I submit to this because I have an obligation to do so. I do so because I have needs that I want met. I do so because I want a relationship with him. He must have these obligations also. Not just me. So does he obey me? Well, I think in all relationships we obey each other. We all provide and accept discipline in some form, for us it is a bare bottomed talking to, because that is the pathway we both take, in fact find necessary to get to were we want to go. For me there is no other path that is as powerful and as completing.
This may bring up questions about who has the final say, and from what I have read here it is of real concern to many. I don't know why, but for Frank and myself, it seems a moot point. We seem to be able to work it out. It somehow naturally flows to the most capable to make the decision, and we do use compromise. When we are together long term it may be more of an issue, I cannot say for certain now, but so far, and we have made some important decisions together, it works out. I know of regular couples like this also, so I am supposing we have been given a gift of agreement or have personality types that work together more easily.
That said, I would like to comment on something Stephen once said.
He asked, “Does the obedience exhibited ... during a disciplinary session play out elsewhere in the relationship? Is obedience an important factor in our ... relationships?”
I would say YES and YES. I think it permeates the entire relationship in our sense of responsibility to it, the fact that it represents a form of responsibility it seems to assign it importance as a factor necessary for success.
I once needed to see a doctor. Frank told me to make the appointment. I did not. He spanked me, I made the appointment. I very much enjoy this kind of attention from him. In a case such as this, I felt his concern for me and his taking action to ensure I did follow through was not a bad feeling at all. But, if he told me I had to have supper ready each evening at 6 PM without fail, well that would be another story indeed. We do eat at 6 each evening as a general ritual, but he has never directed me to do so, or there would be consequences. That, I would have a hard time with. Am I making sense here? I love the way Blush and her husband respect each other's needs and wishes.....and the way Frank describes it as basically their respective roles anyway and they fit that into an expectation for each other.
Frank likes the idea of being a HOR very much; even HOH is not offensive to either of us, but I get to take on that role of concerned wife too, well, wife to be, and I do. We do not lose any of the impact of the male/female dynamic when we do this. It just has an ability to move around according to the situation or need.
Stephen also said, “I know this may seem hopelessly romantic, but we find the male-female dynamic endlessly enriching. Do other men and women feel this way?”
Yes, we do, I do. And I love it.
Have you seen the following articles?
Being taken in hand is hot!
Practical hints for men - times of stress
Could this kind of relationship be for you?
Love-based service
Who needs forbidden fruit when you have this?!
Chemistry is indispensable
What you need to know about Taken In Hand
Knights earn the name
I want it all, and I want it now!
Do you need more attention in your relationship?
Comments
#1 Autonomy and Obeying
I can understand feeling more autonomous in a relationship with a dominant man you obey. It sounds paradoxical but it's not. Great job of explaining it, Annie.
#2 More autonomous or just more happy?
I don't feel more autonomous, just happier, more peaceful, more loved. Should I feel more autonomous? Am I wrong in feeling like I like being taken care of?
#3 You've said it all.
Annie
You certainly have a gift for getting right to the essence of the dynamics of TiH relationships.
It's hard to think of anything new to contribute when I read your articles.
But just the same I thought I should say how much I enjoy your writing. Sometimes it's important to let people know how much we appreciate them.
Thank you,
Maddy