Letter to a potential partner

(Excerpt)

You describe yourself as dominant, yet few men realize the difference between dominance and control, nor do they understand the true and original meaning of dominance. Most men who consider themselves dominant are in fact controlling.

I have no tolerance for control. I will not be controlled. Yet I have always hungered for dominance from my man.

Control stifles, suppresses, chokes the life out of people. It was Darrell's whole goal to keep me free and safe from such energies. He wanted me to be a slave to no one or no thing. Yet once our testing period was over and I aggreed to “be his”, his authority over me and my life was complete and unquestioned. He was my friend and lover, my mentor and counselor, my playmate and soulmate. His love wrapped around me like a warm, protective cloak.

I desperately miss his wisdom and insight, his sage counsel, his humor. I miss the strong male energy he exuded. He was both the steering wheel and the rudder of my ship, always making me feel I could accomplish and be anything. He demanded and got my best from me and brought about tremendous changes in my life and in my attitudes. For the first time in my life I was truly glad God created me female, and I experienced happiness, joy and deep satisfaction in being alive.

For the first month after I lost him [to cancer], I couldn't stop crying. I'm sure I will never completely recover, but I know how much he hated to see his baby cry. He demanded that I not let my grief cripple me and swore if I did he would find a way to reach across from the other side and paddle my bottom. From Darrell, such a threat cannot be taken lightly. So I threw myself back into life – Church, Bible study, designing – and I'm reaching out to you as a potential new friend.

So I ask you – is your energy controlling or dominant? Do you enjoy challenge and lively exchange, or do they scare you? Do strong women excite or scare you?

Does the thought of us getting to know one another through letters interest you at all? Do you have the courage it takes to really bare yourself to another? Are you interested in staying mentally and spiritually alive and young and yet continually growing, or does complacency seen more desirable and safer? You say you are “shifting priorities”. Are you willing to share what that means to you? Can you handle change and challenge and see them as something fun, or do they represent something you feel you need to stamp out and destroy?

I would really like to know what you mean by “dominant psychologically”. Recently, I had a man tell me how strongly dominant he is. When pressed, his dominance turned out to be an enjoyment of playing the dominant partner in B&D games and had nothing whatsoever to do with general relationship dynamics. Can you explain more fully what you mean by exploring the parameters of female psychology?

You present yourself as intelligent and educated, and one could assume you are predominantly left brain oriented. My son is 23 – and has been designated as a math and computer genius. The average IQ of my family is 130 – mine is 140, but I'm predominantly right brain oriented. Are you, as my son is, exploring the mysteries of psychology and emotion because they seem foreign to your intellect and logic and therefore entice you?

You express the desire for a mate who will be “happily obedient” to you – yet�this doesn't adequately express or explain your attitude toward “her”. What do you see as your role as “husband” – and what is it that motivates you? It is the attitudes of our hearts that truly define us as human beings.

Scripture teaches that man is to be the head of woman as Christ is the head of his church. What does that mean to you?

Darrell and I had a true spiritual partnership. We were committed to one another's inner growth and spiritual development. In seven years, we experienced and grew more together than most couples do in a lifetime – because it was our goal to grow and overcome together.

I wanted, needed and demanded a husband who could be my hero, a man able to make decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. Submission is an act of the will; it is choice (as opposed to subservience). I am unable to submit to a man who cannot lead at least as well as I can myself.

Darrell needed to be adored, admired, respected. He had a driving need to be a woman's hero, her knight in shining armor. And he needed to be served, to be master of his kingdom. Yet he never made me feel like a servant. He made me feel appreciated and cherished. It was sheer joy to please him and support his needs.

You have aroused my curiosity, Larry, and curiosity is a wonderful antidote to depression. I would really like to know about your experiences and how they have helped to form your attitudes. What kind of life is it that has led you to place such an unusual ad?

Kathy

Have you seen the following articles?
What kind of site is this? D/s? TPE? CP? DD? ABCD?
The Alpha Male/masculine power
Maybe these surrendered women are on to something
The purpose of rules in Intimate Discipline
What's in it for the man? Freedom!
Strength versus weakness
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
Give new love a chance
No hysterical helpless heroines here!
Why you should not withhold spanking!

2003 Oct 24 - 09:15 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Letter to a Potiential Partner

Dear Kathy...

I am so impressed with the letter that you shared. I am also very envious of the wonderful relationship you had with your husband. I am encouraged that you were so comforted in your husband words to give you such guidance with what he knew you needed and wanted in your future. From your letter, you seem to have a lot of faith in God.

You said that you attended Bible Studies and church events for support and guidance. I am so impressed with the fact that you put in writing what you want and what you need from a future mate.
I was marriend to a "Christian" man who I thought was going to be a wonderful and godly leader to me and our children. I could not have been more wrong and more disapointed. I am hurt,discouraged, lonely and lost. I met him a church and we were married for 18 years. I made the mistake of thinking that his controling and selfish domidance was "leadership". I thought he was the "strong silent type" when in fact he was completely uninvolved with me and our children and only sought after his own goals and desires. After years of verbal abuse, control, threats, abandoment, resentment of his oblications as a husband and father, disinterest in anything that involved my happines and the happiness of our daughters I was left with no choice but to seperate from him to protect myself and our dauaghters. There was no guidance, no love and no leadership. I lived in fear and I had a brocken heart. We are now divorced and I am raising our two teenage daughters alone. We are still in the settlement stage of our divorce. This man who I loved and supported through out his continued education, career and success is set on distroying me. He has no relationship with his daughters seeing one of they only once per month and the other refuses to see him due to his treats and abuse. I have lived in fear of him and his actions. I am tring to work hard and support my self and our daughters and this is something that I never thought I would have to face alone. However, you have give me hope. You have taken a very brave step toward securing your future with a true man of God, who know how to love, protect, guide and truly care for a woman. I think because you have experienced what a real man is...you will know it when you see it! I have never experience this kind of love and protection. I hope to read about what happens to you in your future. I hope and pray that I too will know that love a true and very real man. I hope tthat someday my daughters will be witness to the love and care of a man through example so that they will make the right choice for their future mate. I will continue to pray for guidance in this area of my live and I will also pray for you and your future and next "love of your life". Blessing to you!

Kristi

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Jul 6 - 20:06 | reply to this comment

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