So is the sole goal of a man's existence to bag as many females as he can and cut as many notches as possible over the bedpost? Is a nice guy who doesn't get laid the minute he meets a woman a "loser?" Yeah...in the world of the sophomoric mentality.

This is not what relationships are about. Love and devotion don't hang on whether one is the most charismatic male in the room, and nice guys don't finish last with grown up women.

I have thought long and hard about what attracts me to a man, and it isn't being the most charismatic man in the room. That's superficial. If he hasn't got the character and depth to back it up, he is just fool's gold.

What really matters is what is inside a person when the yucky stuff hits the fan. Not how he can "make you behave," "take you in hand," etc. etc. That's great fantasy for when all is relatively well.

The best man I ever knew stood by my side when I went through cancer..even though he was struggling with a terminal illness himself. He gave me the last of his strength and was my best moral support. Once or twice he put his foot down with me about an issue but our relationship didn't revolve around that.

He risked his life to come out in a freezing rainstorm and be with me at the hospital when I was going to have a scary biopsy. Up until a few weeks before he died, he was on the phone with me every other day, cheering me up, making me laugh, and giving me his courage and his love...when he was the one who was dying.

That's a REAL man. I don't know if he was alpha, beta, or omega according to some arbitrary chart. That's the kind of strength and courage I look up to and the kind of person I'd like to model myself after. All this other stuff about who can get women to fall into his bed the fastest, pales into insignificance beside what this friend meant to me.

Louise,

I want to understand why people can honestly say the idea of a hierarchy among people does not exist? Firstly lets make one thing very clear, it is NOT totally genetic, so why the objection? This is not a "you vs. them" type of thing.

A man can increase his status in the pecking order by being fit, and demonstrating that life doesn't push him around and that he has some amount of persuasive ability, be it physical or social, over others. I know that is simplistic and perhaps on face value seemingly crooked, but it is true.

A woman can do the same...you see in this new world our primary assets are mental, not physical, although good looks always help of course, and sadly looks are more important for a woman to have than a man (we can debate what does it mean to be "good looking" in another thread). And if you go to a party, a company function, a business meeting with at least a dozen or so people, the dominant ones, both male and female will eventually stand out and it will be almost unanimous among the poeple that they deserve that place...A second strata of people who are sociable and really for the "meat" of the congregation will rise also, and of course a third level comprised of people who may be the sweetest truly good people in the room, will emerge who have almost zero power in persuading the room to anything and swaying the atmosphere of the event.

This topic is not 100% germane to Taken In Hand but it is most definitely a corollary.

Just like when a man living in Hollwood sees a playboy centerfold walk by, even with his wife, he will look, when a women is at a social function and a guy arrives who seems to charm everyone, who everyone, men and women included, seem to want to impress, she will feel a surge of her own for him often. Now certainly not every woman is like this...many women will detest a guy like this simply because of who is, like many misogynistic men will dislike good looking women....

This is no condemnation...In fact this is somthing to rejoice! Women are now able in this time to say what they really want from a man.

So we have 3 basic types of men that men are trying to be, even if failing miserably.

1. The devoted nice guy
2. The sexy jerk guy
3. The strong, sexy, admired, responsible leader guy. (The man's man)

Don't let the alpha, beta. etc throw you off...these archetypes are very real.

I don't know, I am really a bit sceptical as to whether you can categorise people into types like that. I mean, for instance, I haven't a clue as to how I would categorise my husband, I don't know whether he's an alpha male or not, I mean he's very succesful in his career and certainly capable of being forceful enough for ten, but certainly not the kind of man women flock around, which as I've said is just as well, because one would never have a moment's peace fending off the competition, and it would be too tiresome for words.

As for looking at other men, well, of course I look, I'm married, I'm not blind. For instance, during the Olympics we were watching the sailing on TV, and there was a close-up of this absolutely stunning gorgeous blonde hunk just getting back into his boat, and I didn't say anything but I drew my breath in a bit sharply. "Down, girl" my husband muttered, knowing perfectly well what I was thinking. He looks too, I mean, the only Olympic sport in which he took any interest apart from the sailing was the women's beach volleyball, and I'm not naive enough to think his interest in that had anything to do with sport. But whether it had anything to do with apha, beta or whatever, I doubt.

Whenever people start categorising others by type, I am always reminded of Rose Macaulay's hilarious novel 'Staying with Relations', about an English woman writer going to stay with her American aunt and the aunt's extended family in the middle of the jungle in Guatemala. The writer is forever deciding that her relatives are this or that type, and it turns out she is 100% wrong about all of them, every single one of them is totally different from what she has imagined. I simply don't belive you can pigeonhole people like that.

As for feeling completely secure when I was a child, well no, I can't honestly say I did. My mother had divorced her first husband in order to marry my father, with whom she was always having lengthy and furious rows, and I always thought they might be going to get divorced as well. My mother was an extremely volatile woman, and you never knew when she was going to fly off the handle next, or about what, being around her was like being around a ticking time bomb. I'm inclined to think that the 50% divorce rate may simply be because divorce is easier to come by now, had it been less difficult to obtain in the past, maybe we would always have had a 50% rate, who knows?

Actually this structure in personal public relations is very valid, IN GROUPS! it becomes irrelevant in individual relationships. the reason you ask?

Once you have picked your mate and left the group, there is no reason to impress your superiority on others except the one you left with, with an individual you are being judged by your personal intimate demeanor, not your public presence,

Public dominance will get you the hit, but it wont get you to first base when it's time to get personal.

Alpha males in public can win almost any woman's interest and curiosity, and occasionally get you to an intimate level with her but in general most women look upon it as a turn off once the crowd is gone. You need to stop playing to the crowd when you are alone.

I am just wondering if there are any techniques or things a man can do to develop the alpha male character. What is the process that he must take?

Thanks.

I don't know. I've always put a lot of faith in "fake it til you make it." If there are things that men you look up to do, start to do those things. I don't know that doing that will make you "alpha," but I don't see anything wrong with trying to become what you admire.

I really liked how you wrote down your Alpha experience with your strong minded husband. Your article sounded too good to be true! LOL!With a husband like that- how could you ever be blue?

First, this stuff about charisma defining alpha males is wrong. That's a symptom, and some people can fake it, but the genuine alpha is a creature of pure integrity, whether male or female, and would literally die or suffer horrific tortures or deprivation rather than betray their core principles or treasured friends. The enlightened of any society are alphas, and so are SOME of its rulers, but you will find more genuine alphas in monasteries, and getting along with each other too, than you will in a boardroom full of liars, cheats and thieves.

If you want to meet an alpha female, join radical political groups. If you want to meet an alpha male, a real one, go somewhere that no one really wants to go... a toxic fire, a dark alley in a dangerous neighbourhood. The alpha is the one who gets between you and that danger. Firemen. Good cops. Good priests, monks and social workers.

"I am just wondering if there are any techniques or things a man can do to develop the alpha male character."

Yes, there are. Don't listen to nonsense that says you can't. If it wasn't possible, how would nerds become CEOs? Why would jock engineers in university become such obedient drones once out in industry? Think about it.

I spent more time in my life in back alleys rescuing sad people from themselves or protecting them from others than I did in boardrooms. But when I walk into New York boardrooms I can command the attention of a billionaire for several hours. When I walk into Washington think tanks, I intimidate the assembled policy wonks, mostly because they know I am right (and have been proven right). When I walk into a film festival, I hear from friends later that I shocked the room when I walked into it. Everyone thought I was someone "important" in that industry. I'm not. But in early high school I was not visible. Something happened.

What happened? I was sucker-punched hard in the face. I was too shocked to move. Then I was hit again, so hard my glasses flew off. But I hadn't moved. When I noticed I was not affected, not in pain (that was luck), I knew I had power over the situation. I could have hit "back" (a concept I don't recognize) or called for some authorities or help. I didn't. I invited the fellow to take it all outside to avoid disturbing others watching, and I turned my back on him, and he obediently followed me out. Then, in a quiet talk in the stairwell, I explained to him that his standing in that group of people was now compromised, because he had been so rude as to punch me in the face in front of them, and now they'll think he'd do it to them next. He realized I was right, and I suggested that if he simply apologized to them, it might be as if it all had never happened. I was genuinely concerned for this fellow, who had no great brains, and whom we had made fun of, and whom we had caught cheating at poker a few times. He did exactly as I suggested, I smiled at him and nodded and sat down, determined to say nothing more.

I hardly had to. An aura of terror surrounded me from that moment on, and bullies ceased bullying whenever I was in sight. I had become an alpha.

"What is the process that he must take?"

You won't like it. Here it is, sketched out, as best as I can understand it:

1. Eliminate lies from your life. No liars for friends. No liars as employees or bosses or clients. No liars at all. If someone perjures you (lies in official documents or court) shun them, and shun everyone who deals with them. Make clear that "shun" means they are never, for the rest of their life, permitted to speak your name or seek you out or seek out your friends, and if they do, you will consider it an attempt to harm you bodily, and you will deal with it accordingly. Make absolutely clear that no "laws" will prevent retribution that exacts from them at least ten times more pain than they have caused.

2. Eliminate hyperbole, exaggeration, paraphrase, and any metaphor you cannot draw substantial insight from and would not use in teaching a child. Perjury is violent and requires a violent response. Lies are potentially violent, and sometimes require that, but not usually. Do not confuse attacks on your person with attacks on your character. Lies that direct violence towards you, even via the legal system, are attacks on your person and that of every single person that depends on you in any way. I do not see how you can be a "man" and tolerate any of it.

3. In person, speak as if you were testifying in court and would be immediately jailed if you were not speaking the truth. This will naturally mean you will speak much less and listen much more. If you feel you must comment on a topic on which you cannot speak authoritatively, then do your best to frame it with "my current feeling" or "this might be possible" or other things to make it appear as uncertain as it is. Write anonymously, avoid pseudonyms and take no pride whatsoever in knowing or being right - but seek out aggressively anyone who can show you wrong.

4. Build a cult of integrity around yourself - have very regular conversations with friends about all the above, and set common limits and tolerances, develop policies in common about how to deal with misbehaving friends, even girlfriends.

5. Don't make major decisions on the basis of sex and sexual happiness. Among friends, make clear that sexual desire isn't a good reason to associate with people of low integrity, and be strong with yourself. They might smell great, but that doesn't make them your best friend. Remember that well. Your friends are those who share your values and act to protect them. You may find it necessary to join churches or political parties or charities in order to find real friends, the kind of people who devote themselves to the common good. Those who care about possessions, ownership, or being seen as "in charge" are losers. Forget them. The genuine alpha needs formal control of nothing, no titles, nothing but Gandhi's diaper and spinning wheel (um, yeah, Gandhi did in fact beat his wife and forbid her some medicines that he himself took, he might have been an "alpha minus"...).

6. Find people to follow and imitate and copy. Not to obey, but copy. Make sure they include lots of women, lots of people of different creeds and ethnicities. In fact you can count on the men to take credit and white men in particular, and you'll also hear about them on TV and in school, so the best thing to do is ignore them and focus on the people whose great deeds are written down in history. Learn about particularly exceptional people or unique cultures like the Spartans, Essenes, Mennonites or Penan. Explore the morality of different cultures. Find the core of it. Read all the greats (Confucius, Lao Tze, Buddha, Muhammad's hadiths, the Gospels including those disputed ones from Thomas, Mary and Judas). You will be devoting your entire life to learning, and to compassion, and service. Avoid mistakes that will cost you time. Know which of these people spoke most clearly to you, and do not be surprised if they had brown faces or worshipped elephant headed gods. Do you know how many women have saved their whole village or town in history? No one can ever know. You will not be the man who they had to save it from. You will be the man who brought up that daughter or taught that girl or married that wife and protected her from danger until that critical moment, which may come five minutes after you yourself are dead.

6a. Look for role models everywhere. Distinguish between noble and ignoble people by their behaviour towards those who are helpless, ignoring any other attributes they have. For instance, when Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant sued the London tabloids for lying about them, they donated the money to a reserve for chimps rescued from medical labs. That's noble, and if you can't compliment them for that, because you hate their movies or whatever, then you're losing integrity. People do what they can with what they have, and if you have fame and visibility, you do something useful with it. No whining about Bill Gates either, he's blowing the wad on stopping the world's worst diseases, and leveraging more money out of governments. That's noble. (It's not a good reason to use Microsoft OS, though ;-)).

Watch what they do. Forget what they say. Don't even hear it. And never scoff at them. Hypocrisy happens, and for good reason: we profess to more than we can possibly practice. And that means we have high goals.

6b. Pride yourself based on the high regard people who work FOR you have for you, not the high regard people who pay you money have, nor the high regard your bosses have, nor the public. Keep your name on your work or your company if you can, and back your people against their critics, even if you must correct them always in private.

7. When the day comes that the dishonesty and lies in your society is morally disgusting you, you must leave. Not necessarily the whole society, but your role in it. Then you must endure some lack of direction, some pain, and the loss of every single friend who is not really a friend. You will be left with only those who admire you for repurposing your life, and those will be your actual friends. You will make new friends who share your values. You will mesh them with your old friends, and you will make sure that they respect each other and are all in your cult of integrity.

8. You will specify a unique role in society that you can play, and you will devote yourself to fulfilling it. You may be an artist, you may be a police officer, you may be an engineer, you may be a street sweeper. It doesn't matter at all, nor does formal education, nor does fame.

What matters is that when someone stands in your way, your determination to achieve what you must achieve is going to melt away their will to resist you. You will not have to do more than stand, wait, and keep your eyes wide open. You will not be able to resist cracking a long slow smile. You might even sit down, lie down, or otherwise expose yourself to physical vulnerability. You will give the other a chance to depart. But if you need to have a conversation with "his" girlfriend, you will, because your motive will never be selfish or stupid or sexual. Fulfilling sexual relationships are a consequence of deep integrity, they can't come otherwise.

That is, the alpha can't come otherwise. Alpha sex, in particular alpha male - alpha female sex, is never casual.

9. Alpha males have no need to control women. They sprawl and dive on top of them. Alpha males don't mind that. I have gone to parties and found myself buried in women, literally piling on top of me. I did nothing but sit, and listen with deep interest and concern to each of them, and pleasantly engage their boyfriends with real interest. I wanted to meet men who wanted to meet the kind of women I sought out. They would be my colleagues. My 300.

9. When others don't understand, you must have a short list of easily comprehensible media references they may have seen, to explain to them the alpha male's attitude.

Here are just a few:

- In Rob Roy, the title character discovers that his wife has been raped by his enemy, whom he has just killed in an incredible sword fight, and is pregnant with his enemy's child. Despite his obvious shock, he says only "he'll be a fine swordsman, like his father", and embraces his wife so warmly that there is no question of any rejection of, or revenge on, her child.

- In 300 (just out), Leonidas is departing and his wife asks him what to do. He knows he is going to his certain death. He says "marry a good man, and have good children." This is what the historical Leonidas said.

- When Layman Pang reached enlightenment, he piled all his possessions on a boat, put them in the middle of the river, and sank it. When asked why he did not give those possessions away, he said only "they brought me nothing but misery - why would I wish that misery on others?"

- When her entire life has been crushed and the last of her childhood dreams dashed, Scarlett O'Hara, after she's lost Rhett, seemingly for good, says "after all, tomorrow is another day." And given her track record, you know she will do something with it that would be impossible for any other woman. Personally I think Rhett comes back. Where else is he going to find a woman like that?

- In the film "Kandahar", an Afghan woman is travelling alone to that city to try to see her sister who is very depressed living under the Taliban. Her determination is formidable, she is clearly a fearless alpha herself, and on the way she encounters a Black Muslim American who is devoting himself to diagnosing simple diseases among the villagers. He's no doctor: "The medical knowledge of an ordinary Westerner," he says, "saves lives here." They are both alphas obviously, and both Muslims, and there is no colour of sexuality in their relationship necessarily, because their causes do not allow for it at the moment. They could be killed however just for talking in private. They do it anyway.

To be blunt, if you believe you could settle for some "romance" or "relationship" less meaningful than the alpha-alpha marriages that films like this hint at, if you would actually enjoy living with some beta female, you probably aren't an alpha male. Alpha males play around because we get bored, not because we have to, or because circumstances don't allow us any permanent mate.

If you want to be an alpha male, you must be able to look at historical figures, male and female, and actually see yourself as someone of equivalent stature doing equivalent great things. Something really worth doing, not stupid notoriety stuff. And not "making" a lot of money. If that happens, it happens to enable a purpose. You notice how much more relaxed and happy Bill Gates is in interviews? That's because he found a good purpose. Think about it. All that money made him only edge and nervous and made him tell a pile of lies that you can read about in a 200+ page "finding of fact" from the US government in the Microsoft antitrust case. And finding his purpose relaxed him, gave him status with people who hated him once. So why not just go and find a purpose?

If you're an alpha male, every other male is your equal until proven otherwise, and they prove otherwise in only one way: low-integrity self-serving lying, whining and wheedling that gets them what they want in that moment. You get what they can't have, because you have what they don't. Well-earned backbone.

If you want an alpha-alpha relationship, watch out: the human alpha female is easily the most dangerous creature on this planet, and she carves through alpha males like bowling pins (Scarlett has no trouble doing this), but they have trouble knowing which ones will stand up even when the bowling ball hits. Those are the ones they keep. Those are the alpha-plus types, those who (like Rhett) go off to war only when the cause is truly lost, and they're truly needed.

If you want an alpha male - beta female relationship, yes, you might need an abstraction like Taken In Hand to tell her that you're of high enough integrity to be obeyed, since you would only ever issue an order to make your lives better, and the lives of everyone around you better. I'm not sure I want that, myself, I feel fine being alone too.

Alphas just don't need people. We want some people but don't feel pain if we can't have them. We are home in the wilderness. We don't fear death, nor pain very much.

We fear dying without knowing who we really could have been. Not done. Been. We seek women who fear dying without knowing what we really could have been, also.

I personally feel it's a bit foolhardy to make a big long list of what an alpha is. That's a big long list of what an alpha is "to you."

All people necessarily view things differently, because they are different people. So if someone doesn't follow your personal recipe for alpha-ness, I think it might be a little silly to automatically label them "not an alpha" because they don't fit your personal definitions.