A relationship of equals

I'm a mix of a traditional and “new” man. I'm in my late 30s, and I'm told that I carry the calm authority and purpose of a natural leader. After all these years – maybe because of all these years – a romantic heart still beats behind my (sort of, lol) tough exterior. I shed a tear or two in slushy movies. That heart is very ready for an intimate and unique partnership with a worthy woman.

I'm not looking for a “brat”. High spirits is fine. But I'm not a daddy to someone's inner little girl. I'd rather be mentor to her inner adult female who wants to be the best she can be for the man she loves.

I move between romantic, erotic, and discipline imperatives as the occasion demands. I've enough experience to know what I'm doing and to do it without wavering or vacillating. I have three watchwords in this: responsibility, consensuality, consistency:

Responsibility – If it's to be a spanking, it will be for real: not the pitter-patter of a glorified massage. Real means hard enough to make a difference which thoroughly reorganizes the dynamics of the situation. I'm aware of the responsibility this brings and I'm physically careful. I shun cruelty. (I'm also unmoved by the tacky posturings of BDSM, or leather or whips & chains, or any kind of degradation.)

Consensuality – is the key to the castle. Even if, in the heat of the moment it may not look like it, it must be there. For my own peace of mind I have to know that you truly need and want this. I'm authoritative, but not a brute or a bully.

Consistency – is also crucial, in two senses. For me taking in hand is about building structure and healthy routines, and acting early and decisively to maintain quality and clarity in a couplehood. Therefore what is and isn't a situation with “consequences” should be broadly predictable and consistent. It will be something the woman can depend on. Second, it will be emotionally consistent. Even wriggling under the heat of my hand she will never have cause to doubt my love or respect. I let my authority, creativity, and conscience guide me in broadly consensual situations and make decisions and apply consequences where necessary. Authority is as authority does.

I could never be a 24/7 boss, and I don't like micromanaging (hey, let's not sweat the small stuff). I'm not overbearing – quite the opposite actually – and I'm not motivated to create fixed rules and punishments for disobedience. Fussy is not my style. Anyway, I'm looking to admire, respect, and cherish my adult partner, not patronize her or order her daily life like a child's. I certainly do not want the “serve-my-master” heavy submission lifestyle. The woman is a grownup. Her desires matter. Her opinions matter and her full personality is, I hope, too interesting to subdue. I will “build her up” not “beat her down”.

The holy grail, for me, very clearly, is to create an egalitarian relationship, with some traditional elements. So, yes, I'll expect certain behaviors and standards to be met – but nothing dumb or illogically limiting. It will be a framework, a relationship subtext, that quietly shapes expectations, behaviors, roles, and consequences while providing lots of space for you to be an equal partner and decision maker. My vision is one of a nurturing authority and reasoned accountability, rather than unbridled domination.

I will provide strong arms into which the woman can fall, and which will always hold her up and regenerate her and reassure her: where she can feel safe. But she must have her own strength too. I seek the measured wisdom a woman can provide. Someone to nurture me and console me when luck runs thin; someone to soothe my warrior's brow and refit me for the fight. There will be many times where I will look to her insight and advice and leadership, and depend on her (but I don't “switch”.) So, as I take care of her, I’ll want her to take care of me. We have different roles in this but hers is not less important or substantial.

I seek someone who is very much a woman, yet who is independent in mind and spirit and able to hold her own in the world. She can run a career (if that’s her thing) but yet still bake a cake. She is an equal partner, yet still seeks a strong man with whom and for whom to build a home. (Not a superwoman, I might add, but competent and comfortable in the various roles of womanhood.)

I do think that I can reciprocate with the equivalently nuanced spectrum of traditional and new masculinity. I'm looking for someone who “gets” the value of this balance of modern and traditional and reciprocates it – who is comfortable with complexity of our roles in the current era, and yet who understands and values the injection of something ancient and archetypal into a modern marriage.

Adam

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Why you should not withhold spanking!
Changing for myself
Taking her in hand is not a contact sport
Romantic rituals for the taken in hand
Is she afraid of losing control? Topping from the bottom?
I don't want to be a servant or slave
Knights earn the name
Leadership, strength, emotional intimacy
What do you mean, you want to be taken in hand?!
Do you have a commanding presence?

2004 Sep 19 - 20:16 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

We have a relationship of equals

This article is very refreshing. My sweet and I have a relationship exactly like the one you are seeking, and it's so nice to see it put in words.

It is a very rewarding relationship. one where I live the life the way i'd like to, and he guides me along. a mentor, as you called it, and, in turn, I do my best to keep his spirits up during this tough financial time, to treat him to things because enjoy treating him.

Thank you for posting this.

ali

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Sep 23 - 03:04 | reply to this comment

Equals

That is a brilliant article, Adam. To see things written from another's point of view puts the hyperactive pieces of my dominance puzzle together. They have been scattered for months now, not knowing which piece belongs where.

I also do not desire a brat or to be a daddy to my sweetheart. I feel like the mentor you spoke of who depends on the input and support of my partner. Her inner adult is much stronger than she thinks. She wants to be the best woman she can be for me, and is doing an incredible job.

I am not the serve-your-master type either. That kind of heavy dominance is not where our strength comes from. Doing that 24/7 would feel like a perverted father figure. Nurturing authority is our way. She knows that my arms are always open and the safest place on earth is inside them. And a hard spank on the bottom seems to fill her with glee and ecstasy and love. Why would I not give this to her?

There is no reason for her to doubt my love when she is bent over my knee. The transference that occurs during these times fills us both with confidence and warmth. But she has her own strength that she puts into me during times of need. And I've had lots of "times of need" lately.

She is my equal, my submissive, my advisor, my strength and my love. Thank you for being that, Ali.

Bill

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Sep 24 - 09:21 | reply to this comment

Could it be..

Hi Adam, you have written quite the essay on the 'perfect' relationship. One I would envy if not for all the pitfalls of emotions and such. In many ways I am that woman you describe. Independent, can run success business, parent, counsel and of course be feminine through it all and be myself.

But what I find myself shying away from, is your reference to nurture the inner child. I am anything but a child. But I have deep needs and scars that have required my husband to quietly nurture and rock that 'inner child' within me. In fact because he is the one setting the limits, enforcing the rules and digging deep within me to find out the 'why' of my occasional reluctance, fear or shyness that stops me from being as submissive as he wants or demands.

He has remarked that times I am nothing more than a little girl who needs a strong image to depend on. It doesn't stop him from sharing his problems from corporate to health. I offer an ear and insights as I can, which he respects and seeks.

But when he has to 'knock me down and put me in a safe place' as he calls it, that is the little girl.

I think it just goes with the territory of loving the whole woman, little, middle and all.....Blush

by Blush on 2004 Sep 26 - 22:14 | reply to this comment

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