How to break it to a new man
As some of you guys might remember from my earlier article on Taken In Hand, I've tried dating New Men and I get bored and don't feel the level of excitement I'm looking for. I'm single and dating, and like other women I've corresponded with, I find men these days want strict equality or for the woman to be in charge. In the last month, I've met a load of guys and let's just say it's not been plain sailing. If I tell you I've been considering almost for real trying to reprogram myself into a dominant woman, you'll get the picture. Everywhere I go, men want a dominant woman. Gee, it must be great for gals who are naturally inclined in that direction!
I was asked for an update and to pass on the advice I've been given in the last month, so let's get to that now. I asked how to tell a guy what I want and was told to identify what it is I want for myself clearly. That's good advice. If you can't articulate what you want, how will the poor guy be able to give you what you want? So my first piece of advice to fellow travelers is:
1) Try and write down what you want. You could then use that as a basis for a letter to any new guy you're dating and want to tell.
2) Ask yourself: is he is worthy of you? When you're looking for a man who'll be the head of the household, it's all too easy to forget that he's got to be a good person otherwise.
3) Ask him about his previous relationships, what the problems were, and how he handled them... (and as Wolfgirl said to me, maybe then you can talk about how you were handled! LOL!)
4) If you can't tell him directly, you could try talking about sexual fantasies with him, or write him a fantasy if it's difficult to talk, and see how he responds. With one guy I wrote a fantasy with a cliffhanger ending and he replied and finished the story. If you do this a few times you can get a sense of his interest level LOL! and if it's worth pursuing.
5) Watch and discuss old movies. I've not kept a note of who said this but what great advice! Old movies depict a more old-fashioned relationship between the man and the woman, usually with the man as the head of the household. So maybe you could rent a few, watch them with him, and then begin a discussion about how that's the kind of old-fashioned relationship you're looking for. His response is bound to tell you something about whether he's open to being dominant in the relationship. If he looks at you like you're off your head, at least you'll know!
6) Just be honest and tell him. If he is interested you will know without having spent a lot of wasted time. This is something you obviously want so don't spend a lot of time on someone who is not interested. They won't warm up they don't need time they either are interested or they are not. Simple.
7) Tell him to read Taken In Hand and some of the other sites you enjoy.
8) If you're looking for a disciplinarian, here are some approaches that might work and have done for others:
Next time you do something that annoys your man, do this, as soon as possible while he is still angry:
Have a brush ready (one correspondent recommends Rubermaid roughneck brushes, available in the cleaning departments of most hardware stores. The long handled ones are very effective, but probably too rough for beginning) and say to him: “I am sorry. You have every right to be angry. If you want to spank me for it, I'll understand and accept it. I am serious about that.” That will open up the conversation. If he agrees, sometime, ask him if he wants a brush.
If he himself behaves badly or does something annoying, say: “If I did something like that, you would have every reason to spank me; and I would let you, too.”
Similarly, if a woman you know does something bad, or if you see someone being disrespectful to her man in a public place, or if you read about something of that sort, or if you see something like that on TV (not difficult!),
say: “She should be spanked. Seriously, he should take a brush and spank her till she cries.”
He probably won't take you very seriously the first time, for the reasons Egghead gave in his article, Why men start and why they stop, but it will put the idea into his head. If you repeat this a few times, he will get the message and you will get what you want. The one drawback is that if you don't truly believe it's about deserving a spanking, you can't say that without misleading him as to your reasons for wanting it.
But if you like this approach, you do not have to behave badly. All you have to do is notice bad behavior and comment on it. Public places are full of it. At lunch you will see someone being rude or disrespectful etc; just say that if you ever talk to him like that, you wouldn't expect him to sit there meekly like the guy over there is, you'd expect him to deal decisively with you, taking you in hand/spanking you.
As one guy said: don't think you are so perfect that he doesn't have a reason to discipline you. He does, and you'll find out what it is. A spanking is a great mind opener.
Finally, Egghead advised:
I think it may become more difficult to tell him the better you get to know him and the more invested in each other you get, so my advice would be to bring it up before too long.
Perhaps you could start out by telling him that you are an old-fashioned girl, and that you prefer traditional gender roles. He will ask what you mean, and you can tell him that you think the man should be the head of the relationship. If he inquires further, you can proceed to tell him that you have been in that sort of relationship before. Try to get him interested enough to pry a little into that. The key is to make him so nosy that he will be asking the questions rather than you pushing the info on him. It will take much of your embarrassment away.
Be prepared to have to tell him several times. When I was very young (before the Internet) I had a friend who told me just that, and I thought she was not serious about it and was trying to make fun of me. She left me when I did not take the bait.
It's easier said than done, I know, but good luck in any case.
Thanks, Egghead and everybody else who answered.
UPDATE: Some further advice just in, this time from Bob:
“It seems to me that in order for a relationship with domestic discipline to work, it must develop within a strong, long term, friendship based relationship. If you let a fella you're interested in know early on that you'ld like an occasional spanking, and he goes along with it, I'd say you're in good shape. To be the giver of domestic discipline takes a very confident person. They must also be confident in their trust of you. Imagine what you could do to some fellow if he disciplined you and you got mad and went to the cops. His life would be over.
This level of trust takes time. My better half didn't give me a real disciplinary beating until we were married for several years. I get two or three a month now. In fact, got one tonight. Anyway, he will need to understand you very well in order to take on the responsability.
Don't worry though. There are few things cuter than a bouncing female behind, and you, over time will learn how to make him happy. Do this a lot, especially after a bun warming. A decent man wants to make his mate happy. If you're happy, he'll be happy. If a DD/HoH marriage will make you happy, he'll come round.
The prerequisite is a decent, sane, confident man – just like your mother would want you to find.”
Have you seen the following articles?
She wants to be taken in hand against her will?!
Reaching out by offering yourself
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
The sweetest “Benevolent Dictatorship” ever
Cherishing the family: little things have big effects
The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle: a critique
To let go
Introducing the intimate control dynamic
Happily married to a dominant man
What do you mean, you want to be taken in hand?!
- Login to post comments
Comments
#1 Basic kind protective relationship with wife, but the leader
I keep a vintage razor strap hanging on the back of our bathroom door which has caused our friends who happen to use the bathroom to ask about it. We usually say something like "It has other uses besides honing a razor". They don't have to guess.
#2 New Face
Hi :)
I am new here as a member of this website, but I have been coming here for quite a while reading most of the stories and enjoying what other people think and feel about this subject. It wasn't until about 3 years ago I learned how I needed spankings and I needed it to be a part of my life. My soon to be ex-husband thought I was very strange and just couldn't understand me at all after I told him about this. We were having problems in our marriage for a while, but I think my opening up to him about spankings is what really made things worse and we soon broke up.
For a very long time I thought maybe something was wrong with me, maybe I am strange about this need. I think it's not just the need to be spanked, but the need to know that someone does love me. It also gives me a chance for me to show that I trust him fully to take the time to disipline me as he saw fit.
I am not sure where I am going with this, but I guess it's my way of breaking the ice and to become a familiar face here. Caleigh :)
#3 soon to be ex-?
Caleigh, has your husband (soon to be ex)read any of the writing on this site? How about suggesting it to him if it's not too late?
#4 Welcome
Welcome Caleigh. I am new here as well. Just found this site about a month ago, and for the most part, I love what I see.
THANKS the boss!!
My husband and I ventured into the spanking world a little over 2 years ago, and have enjoyed it. He was a bit reluctant at first, but has warmed up to it over time.
I hope to get him to do some of his own reading on this site as well, as I think it will bring his confidence in this type of relationship forward.
At some point, I will contribute an article which will explain our adventure into this area of our forever growing and blossoming (even after 20 years) relationship.