It's really hard to say what it is your wife wants. She may in fact be tired of being the financial mainstay of the household. She may be feeling that now that she's not a lot of years away from retirement, she'd like to finally look forward to putting her feet up and letting someone else (you) take care of bringing in the money. Maybe she's caught in that unconscious resentment of being the breadwinner when women in her age group especially were raised to think that the man was going to come along and sweep away all her financial responsibilities.

Or maybe not. I would suggest you sit down with her and find out. I would also suggest that before you consider "taking in hand" the woman who's been your meal ticket all these years, you take yourself in hand and yes indeed, turn your life around and turn yourself into someone YOU admire. Because clearly you don't admire yourself, clearly you think of yourself as a failure, whether or not she is of that opinion. No one is going to admire and look up to and defer judgment to someone who knows very well that he has not made the efforts to live up to his own potential, and trying to take her in hand or take her otk to straighten out her attitude around you is not going to have the slightest chance of success until you do some much needed work on yourself.

Maybe once you do that work, you'll find that she does indeed have a new attitude...and..the hots! for you. And yes, if she hasn't wanted to be spanked and she is near sixty years old, I'd say, don't expect that miracle, but be grateful if it happens.

If I'm in love with a man I'm not in love with how much money he has. He could earn nothing and if he's right for me he's just plain right regardless.

I felt concern when I read about how you feel about yourself. I'd give myself a break if I were you. What is the use in beating yourself up unless (as Dr Phil says) there is something in it for you...some payoff.

I'd try and love myself a little more. If you appear more confident, more content, happier with yourself then who knows what may follow.

Btw I think it's wonderful that you cook and all that. Lot's of women would think that ain't half bad:)

Isabella

Theo, 60 is a young age, don't be thinking that opportunity has passed you by. I'm 74. I married my wife, who is 29 years younger than me, thirteen years ago. Since coming across this site I have learned a lot, and have started to remodel our relationship, so far with some success. It's looking promising.

Another thing: having once told us how you think badly about yourself, I suggest you take immediate steps to change this way of thinking. I have a suggestion to make with regard to this which I will not give here, but if you email me (malcolmeftphilippines.com) I will suggest it to you. In the meantime, take some practical, effective steps to become financially strong, however small, and tell us about it on this site, as an update, so we can all be rooting for you. Don't tell us about what you INTEND to do, tell us what you HAVE DONE. You cannot call yourself Head of Household unless you really see yourself as such, and since you don't see yourself in a very HoH light at the moment, and would, as you put it, "choke on the words", that's the first thing you need to do, so that you see yourself in a good light. Then you can start turning your relationship around.
May the wind be at your back, as the Irish say.
Malcolm

Theo,

When I first read your worm article I had tears in my eyes. I think it was the regret I could read in your article that went straight to my heart. I think that you may be being too hard on yourself. We can only do the best we can with what we have and what we know. I do not think that 60 is too old to change. So long as we are alive we are capable of learning new things.

Have you spoken with your wife about your earning power, or lack of? I am asking this because I know people who are married to artists, writers or musicians. Part of what attracts them to these people is the artistic drive that artists have. Art does not generally pay well, but creative people are thinkers and there is something attractive about that in itself. Maybe your wife loves you for who you are. Maybe she would not want to change you. Sure it can be frustrating sometimes to be responsible for the financial side of a family sometimes and I am not saying that she never wishes that you would get a "real job" but it may be that in her heart that she loves and accepts that part of you. Maybe she just needs support through the more stressful times of the whole money side of life.

When reading sites like this one it is easy to think that women are all open to a taken in hand relationship. I really do not think this is the case. I am not even sure it would be true for the majority of people. I think you need very much to be wired for it some how. I am not saying that your wife is not wired for it, but you may want to move very cautiously in this area. Has she ever given you any indication that she wanted this?

I wish you luck on your quest. Only you and your wife can know what is right for your marriage.

Take care,
Tevemer

I agree that submissiveness is something the some women are wired for. I suspect that it is something that, if it were measurable, would plot on a continuum. I would guess that the majority of women are submissive to some extent, but not as much as I am.

J

Louise wrote:

I hope you manage to sort things out with your wife, I just don't know if you'll be able to change her. You may have to put up with her the way she is.

I don't know if I believe in 'changing people'. I want to find out whether there's an existing submissive side of her that she's hiding. It's strange not to know about this after 22 years of marriage, I admit.

Maybe you could find yourself a younger woman, like Malcolm has.

You little scamp, Louise! I hope you're suggesting an add-on, rather than a replacement – I'm not going anywhere without my DW. However, thanks to discovering this site, I've put my endless daydreaming about extramural activity on hold.

Thanks for your continued interest in my plight – but please don't be such a wet blanket about my prospects!

Best,

Theo

There is movement in the Theo household. There was the unremarkable incident of the sex on Sunday morning. ("But there was no sex on Sunday morning!" "That was the unremarkable incident… .") After the non-event, I accused her of being unresponsive, and she accused me of failing to take the initiative. And she was very sarcastic about would-be dominant men who expect to be ministered to in bed.

Well, at least the words 'dominant' and 'submissive' are in our vocabulary. More than that, I've asked her to visit this site. I don't aspire to be the sort of masterful man that the more bodice-ripping contributions to this site talk about, but I want her at least to know something about the fantasies that currently dominate me.

I also emailed her the address of Taken in Hand and later asked her if she'd looked, so I think I'm making it clear how important this is to me. She told me she'd visited, seen the words 'When rape is a gift' on the front page, and found she had something better to do. A few sarcastic subsequent remarks lead me to think she has a very bad image of the site. I may have to start mailing her selected articles.

It's just occurred to me that I should start with my own article. Hmm, that's scary. Anyway, it might be more useful for her to see discussion by others first.

She's also referred coyly and obscurely to fantasies of her own ... while insisting that there should be a very strong line drawn between fantasy and reality. I've warned her that I intend to start drawing her out on this subject.

The journey of a thousand miles …

Theo

Pick maybe half a dozen articles and send her the links directly to those articles - if you can, try to find ones that will mesh with your wife's views and feelings. There will be stuff here she finds offputting at first - she may discover she later finds some of it interesting, but not something she'd want to do.

--

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" Hamlet, somewhere.

hi louise

love your description of relationship. in my case i tried to be the dominant husband oly ot find that this stimulated my wife to want to wear the pants even more openly.. is it that i am too weak or are many women actually looking to be the boss and to prove it when challenged??

There is a certain school of thought that seems to believe that all men are naturally dominant, and all women naturally submissive. I do not believe this. My own submissive inclinations were sort of semi-suppressed for years, although i've always known myself to be sexually submissive and came to terms with that early on in my life, I was confused about how much further I wanted it to go. I used to get miserable when my husand lost his temper with me, it took me a long time to realise that the reason I felt so wretched and panic-stricken when he got out of control was that I had this very strong desire for him to be IN control. If I hadn't then I don't think I would have minded nearly so much, I mean it's not like I wasn't used to people losing their tempers and exploding, my mother did it all the time, right up almost until the day of her death.

But I don't think all women have this hunger for a man to be in charge, and in your wife's case perhaps it just isn't something she is interested in. I always used to respond positively to the occasional times when my husband was firm with me rather than aggresive, I just never thought he could do it consistently or keep his temper under control if something annoyed him. Now that I find he can it has greatly improved domestic harmony.

But it sounds like your wife isn't interested in that sort of thing. I'm not entirely sure when you say you try to be a dominant husband whether it is because it's something you really want to be, or because it's something you think you ought to be? If it's because you think it's something you ought to be, then perhaps it doesn't matter too much that your wife doesn't seem to care for it. If you really want to be dominant though and she doesn't want you to be, then that could be more of a problem.

One of the big problems with my marriage was that I never talked to my husband about how I felt about things. Perhpas if you talked to your wife about how you feel it would help? Maybe you could start by telling her that it bothers you when she tries to dominate you (if it does). If you just said something like "I don't like being bossed about by you", it might make her less inclined to throw her weight around. Perhaps you could find some middle ground between being bossed by her and you being the boss?