Consensual rape as a gift of control

[For a full list of our articles and comments on consensual ‘rape’, see this page.]

Both Stephen's article and the boss's article have really stirred up some interesting topics that really have nothing to do with the original point at all. And I have sincerely enjoyed reading them all. What seems a bit interesting is that so many posters aren't really addressing the true subject of the original topic... that of being given the gift of another form of control and dominance and submission in a relationship.

There are so many forms of control... mind control, emotional control, and physical control, just to name a few. In most cases, the woman must exercise some control herself and choose to submit. Unless she is tied down, or up as the case may be, even submitting to a spanking is a choice she has to make even if she doesn't want the spanking. She still has a choice at that moment to submit to it or not.

When a woman is physically taken against her will (and I am talking about in a consensual non-consensual way and am in no way talking about in a stranger off the street or in a fit of anger in a relationship way) something happens deep within her (in some women, anyway) that is very hard to explain. There is just something very humbling and eye opening when the man can control her and her body even when she is physically resisting.

When I am lost in the struggle and fighting tooth and nail to not be taken, and my body begins to respond and my eyes grow wide and my face burns with humiliation and I fight harder and struggle to not let happen what I know is about to happen and he sees it and feels it and becomes even stronger in his insistence to have all of me… When my body explodes in release and I am still fighting and the knowledge and acceptance sweeps over me that in reality, even if I wanted to be free, my body will always belong to him, at any given time and in any given situation that he so chose… It's very hard to describe what happens inside me then. That kind of control is very different from other kinds of control and for some, it is important that they feel it along with the rest too.

I don't believe it's about sexual repression or suppression or feeling ‘dirty’ or traditional roles or anything else. It is about being controlled and it does bring on a very deep and primal response that is very animalistic and eye opening to just who is who in the relationship. Or who is what in the relationship.

Some women only want/need a small amount of control; others crave deeper control. And that is not implying they want or need to be micromanaged. They want to be controlled where the control is quite literally taken to a physical level. That is just one way it can be done for some.

As far as it being a gift...God yes, it's a gift from the man to give us that form of his power and domination. Because as was stated in an earlier post, just the fact that one knows they can and choose not to is very powerful indeed. But to actually be allowed to feel it and live it is, after all, a gift from the one who has the power.

What works for each of us individually and as a couple may not work for all of us. But...none are better or lesser than the other. We just are.

Desire

Take the Taken In Hand tour


Have you seen the following articles?
Is your new man dominant, domineering, or a dithering wimp?
Is there consent?
A breakdown on the road to intimacy
Real life leadership or rules and rigidity?
Happy living in fear of a man?!
On being a man
Taken In Hand is not a lifestyle
Safewords
Do you have a commanding presence?
What kind of site is this? D/s? TPE? CP? DD? ABCD?

Narrow it down

It may be different for various women but can we narrow it down a little?

I agree it isn't about repressed sexuality any more if it ever was but then what? What makes one woman's toes curl and swoon at the idea of force and another to reject it completely?

Any new ideas? I myself am going nuts trying to figure out why I am the toe curling type. obviously we aren't letting this one go until some of us have some peace.

Primal

Why can it not just be primal lust? There is so much to sex that is instinct. It is safe, in the animal sense, to have strong man, who can make you submit. How can a man protect you if he can not even make a woman submit? What kind of man would that be, in the pure animalistic sense? Of course some of us fantasize about being taken, if a man can take you, make you submit, he has a much better chance of taking care of you, protecting you from other men, animals and other dangers. I think this is even more powerful if you are an intelligent, strong willed, strong woman. It means more. I does not matter what the submission is, or what forms it takes, but it feels good to some women because it is instinct. Some of us are just more in tuned to our animalistic selves. It can be a good thing. It certainly can improve you sex life and make you FEEL more strongly for your man. In some ways submission is a wonderful feeling. If it is not something given lightly, then it can be even more powerful.

I think desire and Stephen said it very well.

Take care
Tevemer

I Agree

I like to realise that I cannot resist my husband. And it is nice to see that he desires me so much that he would not respect my "NO" if I don't give a good reason to his "why not?" Usually I should be feeling sick, having monthlies or if being extremely tired - warn him before we are in bed.

I can't lie to him. Just can't.

To my mind it is very clearly that a woman is attracted to the power of a man. We like men being strong, we love feeling it. It is just like men are attracted to female beauty and tenderness.

The Fantasy

For me, the rape *fantasy* is all about desire. In particular, a man's desire for me being so strong, his lust being so powerful that absolutely *nothing* can stop him from taking what he wants: me. Nothing turns me on like my man having that look in his eyes that says he wants me, he wants me now and he means to have me.

Submission to sexual dominance

This wouldn't work for most people, but when my husband first took me this way, I really got lost in the physicality of being dominated on such an intimate and primal level. Every time my husband "takes me" I get that same thrill of being subsumed by the male power.

Rachelle

Primal

The word "primal" is being bandied about a lot as an explanation for why women have rape fantasies. "Primal" can have different meanings. From a male perspective, a primal need for sex can be as integral as eating and breathing because it is a necessity for survival of the species. When a woman has rape fantasies, it's not just about sex--it's about a type of sexual experience and that's a higher order brain function. It's still not a very high order brain function because the exact reasons for the fantasies aren't directly known. It's not as if there was ever a logical process to arriving at the fantasy. Most people, with the fantasy, have had it for almost as long as they can remember.

"Primal" can also refer to a level of civilization. That is more applicable. Modern civilization often views romance and sex as an intellectual exercise and sometimes forgets about the raw sexuality that is still a necessary part of sexuality. A rape fantasy removes all the veneer of civilization and gets down to a more primal physicality. Intellectual thought is replaced by physical action. There is no civilized courtship with its attendant questions about whether the woman is interested or approving about the man's ritual approach. The man is taking what he wants and the woman is surrendering to a greater power. I've heard from some women that this surrender is proof that the man is worthy of having her.

An interesting psychological examination of a strong woman's force fantasies can be found here.

The ravishiment gift.

In my very first fantasies I imagined that ravishment was the only way it should happen. I do not even like to use the word fantasy for ravishment. I felt that if a man was ever going to take me it was going to have to be by seduction. It is not that I did not want to be taken. I wanted to be taken very much. I just knew that my mind was not going to cooperate with my body on this one thing. In reality it was drawn out over many years. I would have been very frustrated by a man that did not understand the game of hard to get. I could have been abandoned by a man who was not patient with me. To imagine sex without some degree of ravishment does not seem like sex at all to me. I wanted him to want it. I wanted a deep connection. I wanted him to want me more then I wanted him. I wanted him to control me on all levels, and I would not have settled for anything less. Ravishment of the body is like invasion of the mind. Without it I would not have committed myself to him for life.

A question

> even if I wanted to be free, my body will always belong
> to him

I try to imagine myself in this situation, and from my point of view this all has only negative connotations. If you are unable to be free, why bother to live? But if some women crave this kind of control it has to have some positive meaning for them. I would like to know what this positive meaning is.

Positive Meaning

In the human kingdom you can find all kinds of courtships. I prefer a strong man whom I feel is able to protect me. I also want him to have an interest in taking care of my needs. When he takes me I feel his strength, when he turns my own body against me and make me enjoy it I feel that he cares about me. He is not just raping me for his own pleasure, he is ravishing me of our mutual enjoyment. Intellectually, I know I am free to go. In the emotional part of my id, I need the assurance, that he will not let me go. It makes me feel safe to be with him. I feel protected against the world. After all, I have a big strong male on my side.

Courtship is full of the pursuing and conquering. It is so exciting. Why should the conquest stop at the alter? Who want boring sex for the rest of their life? That is why I love having consetual non-consent in my relationship. The pursuit and conquest has only gotten better, deeper and more meaning full over time. It allows us to know each other so well. I would not have it any other way. I keep saying that, but what I mean is that it is this kind of excitement that keeps me married to him.

Freedom

The word "Freedom" means a lot of different things to different people. I value the "freedom" to choose to be "owned". I value the "freedom" that my country offers me, but I also value the "freedom" that being that vulnerable to my mate gives me. It gives me the freedom to be feminine, soft, open, vulnerable and free of many of the unnecesary responsibilities that our society has placed on me as being a "strong female".

It is one thing to give yourself to someone in name, in word, in deed...but quite another to know that you "belong" to someone, that...the bounds of love, devotion, physical strength, trust and desire go so deeply....that you are powerless against them. To me...that's freedom.

On belonging, freedom and physical control

My husband and I are still relatively new to the taken in hand dynamic (it's been 4 blissful months), but this thread really 'spoke' to our experiences so far. In most of the usual senses of the word, I've always belonged to him. He's my soulmate and my best friend, and our marriage was perfect before we realised that this is where we both wanted to be (I didn't think it could get any better - how wrong I was!)

My husband is still growing into his control of me, but one thing he took to straight away was his physical, sexual control of me. And I don't ever have to feel insecure or doubtful about my marriage, my behaviour or my body. I'm free to experience whatever he wants me to experience, free to show my feelings, free to be myself. And all the while I know that I'm so completely wanted, completely held, completely safe.

I've never felt more free.

Goldmoon - I can relate to yo

Goldmoon - I can relate to your feelings of freedom. That is probably the best characteristic of this relationship for my husband and me. He is free to be himself... he is naturally bossy, protective, smart, compassionate, etc. I am a woman who needs a lot of attention, likes to give a lot of attention to my loved ones and doesn't really have a desire to be in control at home. We are the Ying & Yang we need.

One of the things I love about our relationship is that my husband always wants me - even when I don't want him (which is rare); even when he has been upset with me. He wants me physically, emotionally. He wants to connect with me. Sometimes he meets this need through force - and although I thought I would be afraid, the first time he 'took' me against my wishes was wonderful. The knowledge that he wants me no matter what was & still is a big turn on for me. Also the mental and physical force he uses to take me are consistent reminders of our places in our marriage - places that I am very glad we have carved out. Finally, because I am a strong willed woman, to 'force' me to do anything takes strength of will and to me my husband's strong will is what guides us both, what keeps us happy and what makes me feel safe.

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