Actions speak louder than words

I want to tell you a cautionary tale about a friend of mine, in the hope that you will not suffer the same distress he did. This friend of mine, whom I'll call “Joe”, met a woman online in a chatroom for people in his town in England. They chatted and emailed madly for ages, Joe falling passionately in love with her. She had sent him her picture (well, a picture – who can say if it was of her? It is easy to grab a picture of someone else off the net...). After Joe had well and truly fallen for her, and was in a terrible state because she kept either refusing to meet him or cancelling dates, he discovered that far from being a 35-year-old accountant in England, this person (we still don't know if it was a woman....) was writing from a university server in the USA. It was probably a student.

I mention this story because there were some big red flags he should have seen, and which you should not miss yourself if you are in a similar situation:

First, despite writing vast amounts of email to Joe and chatting a lot, and appearing from what she said to be extremely keen on Joe, this person did not meet Joe, not even in a public place for coffee. If a person is really interested, and he or she has nothing to hide, they are going to want to meet up. There is nothing worse than getting really close to someone online, only to discover that there is zero attraction chemistry when you meet in person. This woman claimed that she had had bad experiences/been abused or something, and that that was why she was reluctant to meet even after a long time, but given the feeling expressed in her email messages and chats, this reluctance simply did not add up.

On several occasions, she agreed to meet, and then did not turn up. Later, she always had a perfect excuse – car accident, grandmother dying, you name it, it sounded plausible. But after about the third such time, I smelt a rat... One thing that everyone in any kind of relationship needs to keep clear in their mind is that actions speak louder than words and if a person's actions belie their words, it is the actions you should believe, not the words.

Another friend of mine fell apart over a woman who was extremely friendly to him whenever they met, looking deeply into his eyes and appearing to find him so very interesting.... and yet somehow, she never quite got around to seeing him alone, on a date. There was always some excuse. Her words said she was very interested indeed; her actions said she wasn't. He should have listened to her actions. Instead, she led him a merry dance that went nowhere and cost him a fortune in expensive gifts to her, not to mention a broken heart...

And before you conclude that this chap must be a sad loser and a gullible fool, let me tell you that in fact he is a highly intelligent, insightful, switched-on, sharp-witted, rational, mature, even cynical man who has women throwing themselves at him constantly and who had never before been the one being strung along. It can happen to the best of us.

But to get back to Joe, eventually, I got so sick of his angst-ridden phone calls to me about this woman whose actions did not seem to me consistent with her words, that I persuaded Joe to run the most basic check on her, just to rule out my hunch that she was not who she said she was. (For detailed easy-to-follow technical instructions on how to run the check I ran on the information in her email message headers, click here.)

Joe was at first very angry with me for suggesting that she wasn't genuine. After all, he had her home address, and he had driven past her house and seen her BMW outside, and she really seemed to know about accountancy so she must be an accountant, right? And surely she must be in England, because her email address was a yahoo.co.uk one, right? Wrong! You can get a yahoo.co.uk address whether or not you are in the UK. You can get a yahoo.com address whether or not you are in the USA. And if you have visited a place, you might know that there is often a BMW parked outside the house.

We all know that actions speak louder than words, but even the most rational individuals can sometimes get swept up in excitement and forget everything they know. And that is why I make no apology for stating the obvious: because sometimes we all need a reminder.

the boss

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Communication
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
The appeal of a very feminine woman
Empowering dominance
Don't tell anyone I'm here!
The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle: a critique
The soothing effect of vowing to obey
Finding the right man
The paradox of the master and the queen
The erotic power of unshackled male dominance

2004 Apr 21 - 11:53 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Actions speak louder than words; added to

the boss, you have a way with words that many people desire and even some writers crave. True enough that actions do infact speak louder than words but there is something that was left out of the equation. Whether actions or words is a pretty null and void point if the truth is not in either or both of them. It is the truth that needs to be seen as well as heard. Actions without the truth is deception and manipulation. Words without the truth are lies and deceit. Actions and words without the truth is a fake and covered in darkness.

True enough that we should be upfront and honest in our dealings with our fellow man/woman, but many times people are not because they live the lives of their past and hold on tight to the cruel and harmful ways they have been treated by others. Should we not view each person as an individual and seek the inner person on its own merits instead of casting all into a kettle and viewing them as one. Why do we torment others for the sins and wrong doing of the ones that preceded them. Let go and give grudges and grief a rest. Cast the two of them off like yesterdays garbage and free yourself up to enjoy the new relationships you are going to have.

Joe should have insisted on her being more upfront with him and being a part of a personal contact type relationship. If it smells like a fish, looks like a fish, and tastes like a fish, chances are it is a fish. If she refused, the losses should have been absorbed and Joe should have moved on. There are honest people out there and we will never find them or they will never find us if we hide in a cave of dispair. We must stay and keep the faith. As a man of truth, honor and sincerity I do look forward to more of your writings and believe me there will be comments made. Thank you for listening and God bless you and yours. James.

by James 1 on 2004 Apr 27 - 03:06 | login or register to post comments

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