Emotional Security in My Impending Old Age
When a woman passes her 30th birthday, it seems all the subtle signs of aging start to become noticeable - the fine lines beginning around the eyes, the disappearing chin and jawline (if that's in your genes), the first few gray hairs, etc.
As I was looking in the mirror the other day, I noticed some strands of hair that reflected the light in an odd way. On closer examination, it turned out they were silver. I'm not even officially middle-aged yet, and I'm going gray. This was a bit of a shock.
Naturally, I told my husband about my depressing discovery. He calmly said, "Well, you can dye it if you want to, but you don't have to." He is always telling me I'm even more beautiful now than I was when he met me. He also seems to think other men must envy him because he is lucky enough to have me. His attitude is very comforting to me. The security of knowing he still loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous after a little more than a decade of marriage (yes, we married young!) makes it much easier to deal with the fact that I am starting to age.
His love for me and commitment to our marriage make me feel secure even though my looks are clearly starting to go downhill. I can't remember the name of the song or the group, but there was a song in the 90's that said, "Baby, I'm the lucky one..." That's exactly how I feel.
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#1 Have You Ever Noted The Famous Comment...
...that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"?
BEHOLD yourself as the image you see in the mirror. You see "ugly".
Again, BEHOLD yourself in the eyes of your husband. He sees "GORGIOUS", "BEAUTIFUL", "ENTICING", "SEXY".
Whose eyes do you prefer? Whose eyes would you choose to believe? Whose eyes would you CHOOSE to determine your ATTITUDE?
You are an intelligent woman, so I trust that your choice is self-evident.
#2 Thanks for the support, but...
When I look in the mirror, I don't see "ugly". I see, "Oh no, I'm starting to age! Can't medical science find a cure??" Although it is true that my husband sees me as much better-looking than I think I am. Recently, when he was a little drunk and extraordinarily affectionate, he went on and on about how much he loves me, how gorgeous he thinks I am, and then repeatedly told me about an award he thought I should win that I would certainly never mention in "mixed company". I felt very flattered. I would encourage him to get drunk again (since he almost never does), but his hangover the next day made him very grouchy, and I don't want to deal with that again! :~)
#3 Support? Drunkenness?
I believe that in this unique situation both in unison support one another.
Is grouchiness REALLY that repugnant?
Hey, according to YOUR account, his desire for you seems to be unwavering, whether he be drunk or sober. Bearing in mind that drunk folk tend to be abusers in tandem with the fact that you have mentioned NO abuse, I would venture to say that his dual attitude to you, drunk and sober, seem to be in unison, and as such, match the truth about his feelings toward you.
I presume your difficulty arises from his seemingly repetitive drunkenness. Has it ever occurred to you that the drunkenness may arise from his belief that he is unable to satisfy you?
Dear God, I would never admit this openly, but I am impotent and actively participating in hormone therapy, which is, at this point, NOT satisfactory to me. I am sure my GF desires more from me than I am able to provide, but she has remained with me in SPITE of my current defect.
I can't explain his difficulty. I can only explain mine. My GF staunchly aligns herself with me and my current deficits. Yes, she does get impatient with me because of my current limitations. But, she remains supportive in SPITE of her frustrations.
I can't tell if this helps your situation or not, but it is MY situation, and I hope some portion of it can help you with yours.
#4 Not old
It's part of the cycle of life. I'm in my late 40s and don't feel old at all. I've had to dye my hair since my early 30s and that's not a problem.
Apparently it's one of the biggest visual differences betwen a group of women over 40 60 years ago and now that now they tend not to be grey (although go grey if you want).
Relationships work best when each party thinks the other is wonderful, that they are almost wilfully blind to your faults . So if your husband thinks like that then that's wonderful.
As I am defined by my career and life as a mother and other activities not my looks (although I don't look too bad) I don't think I will particularly mind when my looks change. What I don't much look forward to is the pain and illness of older age which my parents went through.
#5 The Night Is Black And I Grow Older
I look back on my life and wish for the vitality that I so tragically wasted during my twenties. Those were the most enjoyable years of my life AND the most tragically wasted. Would that I could call them back again and relive them properly to the better enjoyment of all involved.
Such a choice is not afforded me. Instead, I am a 25yr old in a 60yr old body wishing I had taken better care of my health. See, health is FAR better than wealth, no matter the context.
Without going into gory detail, my life is on a steep roll downhill to whichever mortuary is fortunate to catch me. At this point, I have one foot in the grave, the other on a banana peel, and a bulldozer drawing a bead on my sorry azz!
Yeah, that could go for a comic relief skit, but this is basic fact.
Oh, yeah, you wanted the "Basic Fact", right? Well, let me run you through the drill, as if you never heard enough of it.
I was diagnosed early on as "High Blood Pressure" and "Excessively High Cholesterol" early on, and I chose to ignore the residual medical threats. The reasons for this chosen ignorance, whilst decided under financial duress, were correctable by assistance available by application. I chose not to endure the paperwork. I HATE paperwork and the associated procedures, so I ignored it.
Eventually, I found the symptoms to become intolerable, and this caused me to be a bit more amenable to the paperwork and the associated procedures. Unfortunately, at present, technology allows only allows the inevetable demise. Had I chosen to be a bit more cooperative, I may have had a better fate.
--
Mick McCleod
#6 You're not dead yet!
Dear Mick,
Your body is 60 years old, but I'll bet you are a lot younger in mind and spirit - and that is what really matters.
High blood pressure and high cholesterol, eh?
I spent my life eating the right things (fresh fruit, veges, wholegrains, no dairy, little fat in my diet, etc. etc. the whole story ) and walking or exercising 30 minutes daily. My cardiologist could not understand my high cholesterol numbers and high blood pressure. His solution - walk an extra 15 minutes a day. That advice for a few thousand dollars out of my pocket.
I chanced upon a DVD called 'Fat Face', read a related book called 'Good calories, Bad Calories' by Gary Taubes and read many of the medical papers referred to in the text.
Result?
I embarked upon a diet devoid of bread, biscuits, cakes, pies, etc, rice, pasta, potatoes, cereals, most fruit and related juices, carbonated soft drinks, basically sugars. Yes, a low carbohydrate diet.
I now eat eggs fried in butter, bacon, all meats, poultry, fish and all forms of dairy products. I snack upon almonds. I drink low carbohydrate beer or wine when I'm in the mood for something alcoholic, which isn't daily. I eat 50 - 80 carbohydrates a day and am NEVER hungry.
I broke ALL the rules. I had nothing to lose.
Three months later my cholesterol dropped 40 points (near normal), my LDL's 30 points (normal), my triglycerides 100 points (excellent) and my HDL's have bumped up a healthy 15 points to 78.
The fat around my midrift has gone missing and I have dropped a healthy 5 kg. ( I was only a little overweight to start with)
My doctor was rendered speechless.
Is this a solution for you?
Maybe.
I offer my experience to you for whatever you deem it worth.
Best wishes
Nartie