Asking for permission
My HoR and I had a somewhat difficult conversation earlier today about some things we disagree on, and an hour or so later, instead of continuing to say negative, distancing things that would only serve to reinforce the somewhat irritated tone we were taking, I found I genuinely needed and wanted his opinion on something unrelated to our previous discussion, so instead of going off and doing what I wanted, as I would have in other relationships, I asked him what he thought and got his permission first.
It felt good to stop thinking negative, anxious thoughts and reconnect with what he might want and need. Sometimes in the midst of disagreements, the hardest thing to understand is that disconnection isn't always about being angry (we were not angry with each other). It can be about irritation and disappointment. Tiny disappointments suddenly loom very large when you find how different you each are about important issues, and this one was certainly threatening to.
I feel like asking for his permission, becoming soft, compliant, and sincere in the face of our mutual irritation allowed him to take charge once again, and was a way of putting us back on the right track. Disagreements force us each into separate corners, and irritation makes me think negative thoughts about him, but asking for his permission reminded me that he is in charge, and that no matter what the answer had been, I would obey him.
The limits and boundaries he puts on me tell me that he cares what I do or don't do, and I respect his wishes. In previous relationships, with their different and unpleasant egotistical dynamic, I never would have asked for a man's permission or even thought about it. I could never bend to that extent. Nor was I willing to let a man have that much control over me, but with this man, everything is very different, including me.
Do you ask for permission? If so, how do you feel about it?
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#1 Well, sometimes I do...
I ask my husband's permission if it's something I think really matters to him. If it's something that matters to me and I'm not likely to get a favorable answer, I may just go ahead and do it on the theory that he can let me know after the fact if he minded. I certainly don't ask his permission on little stuff. He would get annoyed if I did that.
Mrs. KISS
#2 Asking permission
I ask for my husband's permission if it is something I think he might mind me doing otherwise. Like staying on the computer after the time when I'm supposed to be off it or something. But there aren't many things that he actually requires me to ask permission for. I do find I quite enjoy having to ask about some things, though I think it wold probably get on my nerves if I had to ask permission for everything. And I think it would probably get on his nerves too.
Louise
#3 I don't ask Brian's permissio
I don't ask Brian's permission nearly enough mainly because most of the time I know he will say "yes" because he wants to make me happy too, that seems to be the dynamic in most of the taken in hand relationships I've read about too. We are attracted to take-charge men that is true but that doesn't mean they are selfish bullies who just want to get us to meekly follow their every whim, if they were we would have no interest in entering into taken in hand relationships with them, obviously there are times when he puts his foot down and says "no", these are rare but strangely they are the times when I feel closer to him because firstly I know he is committed to my best interest and secondly he's asserting his authority and I love it when he does that so no, I don't ask his permission enough but just to let him know that what he wants and thinks is very important to me I think I will.
#4 Asking for permission
I've always been a strong personality and very controlling with my husband. After 20 years of an 'ok' marriage, I starting looking for ways to make our marriage better. I started looking at being controled by my husband because there seemed to be a power struggle going on. He always go his way. I read a book that was very helpful to show me things from my husband's perspective, and I realized I needed him to be in charge to make both of us happier. I went on record to tell him he is 51% in control of our marriage, and he said he liked being in control. One of the biggest things for me to feel he was in charge was to ask his permission. I never asked anyone permission to do anything. Now I ask him permission to go to the store, ask when he wants me back, can I call a friend etc, etc, etc.. He never required it, however, he's never said 'you don't have to ask me that'. He just says yes or no... I ask permission to do everything, and it's so second nature now, that I feel odd if I don't. He is more relaxed, because he knows where I am and what I'm doing at every moment. It makes me feel safe and secure. Every time I ask for permission, it reinforces his authoritive position. I must also say he's always told me what he was doing. I don't feel I've lost myself in any way, I've actually found what feels natural and no one told me to be this way, it's a choice.
#5 It just seems natural
I am not actually "in a relationship" with this man, but he is my best friend and is naturally a leader. We are very close and have fallen quite naturally into "traditional" roles and I often simply obey him because of his calm, take-charge competence, particularly in times of stress. I was recently diagnosed with a serious illness and he naturally took charge of things that I couldn't handle.
At one point, I was working myself into a frenzy of anxiety, and even panic attacks, by looking up information on the internet about my illness. He would call or come over to visit me and find me in a state of complete emotional distress. After a short time of this, he forbade me very strictly to look up anything on the internet related to my illness. I was to listen only to my doctors and if I had any questions, I was to ask them and only them and accept the answers. Second opinions could be asked, but only from real live doctors, not from the internet.
This was after he had spent an hour talking me down from a huge attack of fears over surgery. At the end of it, he said that I was not to go looking for anything about it, either pictures or self-diagnostic information on websites. I was to obey him in this, or he would confiscate my mobile internet stick. I laughed, and he said, "We're laughing now, but I'm pretty serious about that." And I believed him. And also obeyed him.
At one point in the diagnostic process, I was getting a PET scan, and I called him because I wanted to look at information about the technology. I asked if it would be OK, and he said, "Strictly and only factual information about what a PET scan is and how it works. Nothing else."
This strict and loving control over an aspect of my behaviour by a trusted and authoritative male friend has made a huge difference in how I have handled my illness and recovery. It has relieved me of a certain burden that I couldn't handle with the stress of being sick, and helped convince me on a very deep level that I am safe and that I will be cared for no matter what.
In a relationship of trust like that, asking permission, and accepting commands, particularly one that actually restricts some of my self-destructive behaviour, simply seems normal, natural and good. It's just how I think I am made.
#6 In public?
I don't know what other people think but I know my husband likes me to ask his permission before making arrangements to go out places with my friends. At first I was a bit embarrassed at asking his permission if people were listening but now I don['t mind and ifnd it quite a turn on too. I don't ask permission for silly little things and my husband is not controlling at all.