What is the best way to think about this?
As I contemplate taking charge in my relationship I wonder what would be the best way to think about this. What should my attitude be? What state of mind would facilitate our Taken In Hand relationship? I've read the articles stating that Taken In Hand is not about correcting a faulty woman, I've read the articles stating that Taken In Hand requires active control on the husband's part, I've read about how Taken In Hand husbands put their wife and marriage before their own selfish desires--ok fair enough but what's the best way, mentally, in my mind, to approach taking charge? What should my attitude be? How should I be thinking about taking charge? How should I be thinking about my wife? Ideas anyone?
#1 Think about how to be HOH..
Well, Being that I'm currently in a long distance relationship that's about to move in with me. After lots of discussion, we've seemed to come down with the basic foundation. I've read almost every article on here and discussed it with her at length. That in my opinion is the best way to approach it. Lay down the foundation you both can agree on. Then as time goes on, you can adapt to one another... It's not about outlining rules and guidelines for her only, You need to have some too. For example: If you're going to take her in hand physically. It's a rule for me that I can't spank her while I'm emotionally angry. I have to have time to cool down so I don't hurt her by being angry. I can understand her point of view on that subject and have agreed not to do it...
#2 Just Do It
Not sure if I can answer your questions, but I'll lend my $.02 worth..... But first a little disclaimer, I'm sure there are other readers who have more experience with this than I. My wife and I just discovered this website less about a year ago, after having been married for more than 20 years. Hopefully others will add their suggestions for you to consider. The second disclaimer is that there seem to be a number of variations of Taken In Hand. You and your wife will need to work out how you're going to structure your relationship.
To begin, I'll comment on your last question. "How should I be thinking about my wife?" You need to hold your wife in the highest regard possible. She is to be treasured even more than you do now; for what she is giving you is to be cherished. She is agreeing to follow your leadership. As a leader you are responsible for those that follow. Do not take this role lightly.
Your attitude and state of mind should be one of benevolence. Remember your wife trusts that you will put her and your family first. You don't have to be perfect - everyone makes mistakes. An important component of any relationship is good communication. I believe a Taken In Hand relationship requires even stronger communication. If there is a mistake, you and your wife need to talk about it. Don't ignore her comments/suggestions/desires just because you are taking more of a leadership role.
Don't betray her trust and communicate with her more than ever. If she's willing to modify your relationship and move to (your version of) Taken In Hand, you'll need to be sure there's trust and communication.
It's been a wonderful change for my wife and me, best of luck to you.
#3 How to think about it
When I was a young boy I had a similar problem. I wanted to learn how to play baseball. I memorized all the rules, much as you have, so I had grasped the basic framework of the game. But how was I to master the art of hitting a baseball? My dad had taken me to the Stadium to see the Yankees play, and also to the Polo Grounds to see the NY Giants. He even taught me how to take score in the game program handed to me by the ticket taker.
But even as a lad of seven years I knew all of that was just spectating. I was not much given to pondering or meditation. Of course, back then, there was no such thing as using a joy stick to simulate maneuvering in a virtual reality, nor an Internet where I could sentimentalize in my empty fancies. Even that young I figured out there was a difference between silly schoolboy nogginizing and real commitment and execution. I decided the best approach would be to step up to the plate and start taking swings. I struck out a lot cause my eyes weren't that great. Big deal. I had trouble keeping my eye on the ball. Still, I had a lively imagination and in the side yard field I'd pretend I was Mickey Mantle linedriving her to deep centerfield for an inside the park homerun. Corrective frames allowed me to focus and track the Spaulding. I told myself: self, don't think. Practice, practice, practice. Eventually I learned to meet the ball with the bat. I remember the first time I hit the ball on the sweet spot of the bat. Oh my. I was hooked on the game from there on.
Moral of the tale: put the hard wood to her with all your power and find her sweet spots. It will give you a feel for what it is like to make her play in your ballpark. Your rules, your way. Who is to say you can't make it to the big leagues?
VelvetHammer
#4 What to Think
To read this reply see Advice for husbands beginning to take charge in their marriage. - The Editor
#5 I am not sure I understand ..
What the dilemma is exactly. Your attitude? My suggestion is, don't have one. Relax, let things happen naturally. To take charge, first lead by example. Don't ask any more of your partner than you ask of yourself. How should you think about your wife? As your partner, friend, confidante, moral support and love.
#6 Deceptively Simple
[To read this comment see What Taken In Hand requires of you as a husband. - The Editor]