How do I convince him to take control?
I have visited this site quite a lot over the last few years. I have read and pondered and read again. Now I am looking for some advice.
My bf and I are not officially engaged, but we have marriage in our future. We met more than four years ago and due to jobs, we have had to endure a long distance relationship for far too long. What turned out to be a 6 month move for me has turned out to be 2 years. He visits me for a week every 6 weeks and we talk on the phone every night we are apart. I have no doubt we are soul mates.
Enough of the background, now for my questions. He wants to be the head of the household/relationship but he does not think that I really want him to be in control because I am so headstrong. I know that I do, but like other Taken In Hand inclined women, I want him to take control and make me submissive. I want him to take charge.
So...how do I convince him that I need him to take the control from me and that that when he takes control I will submit to that control?
#1 How to Get Him to Take Control
Angie, I did it by having my husband read an article on this web site every night out loud.
He would laugh as he read. I was so discouraged, but by the fifth day things changed.
He still had some questions, which I answered.
My husband was still a little nervous about it, but he really got it.
He continued to read articles to me every night for a couple of weeks. He likes our new enhanced arrangement!
#2 Are you sure he's committed to you?
As a guy I have to say, are you sure he's that committed to you? Like, why hasn't he married you already? When you're into a woman you move heaven and earth to be with her. If your bf says he doesn't believe you want him to be in control he's telling you he's not ready to commit to you and my advice is to find a man that is more compatible and who wants you headstrong and all. I married my wife knowing she's headstrong and while there are times it gets on my nerves the women that weren't headstrong never held my interest. I have to say your guy may be a guy that prefers the type of girls that bored me before I married my wife. You can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You got the wrong horse. Find one that will want to drink from your natural water, not one that wants different tasting water.
Tal
#3 Also headstrong
Hi Angie,
It does take a lot of talking at first.
I am a very strong women, but came to realize that I was happiest in my marriage (and most aroused) when I could feel his control in some way. I don't have submissive feelings without the control and therefore the pressure is on him.
Talk about it whenever he is open to it. Let him know that only he can take charge. Give him great (and I mean really great) feedback for any little attempts he makes.
All of our relationships are still evolving. Know that it can take time. Lots of time.
Good luck to you,
H3
#4 I agree with Tal!
I agree with Tal!
#5 Start with romance
My main suggestion would be to start in the bedroom, and encourage him to take more control there, and make you submit in ways that you will both find sexy and loving. Many men today are reluctant to take charge of their women in a direct and physical way, because of all the societal messages they get that it's "wrong" to get forceful with a woman. But if it's something that they can think is "just a bedroom game" then they may be more willing and eager to get into it. He might enjoy it more that way, and also have fewer inhibitions about taking you in hand and dominating you there.
Then once that is established, you can start having talks about how to expand his active and direct control over you beyond the bedroom and into your relationship in general. On the other hand, if he is not really interested or willing to take a more active, dominant and controlling role in the bedroom, then the chances are that he is really not very dominant by nature; because that's where it will show up the most.
Some men who are not very dominant by nature still want to be the head of the household -- but then it's not because he enjoys dominating his woman and putting her under control, and it's not because he sees it as something that will enhance the love and sexual intimacy. Non-dominant men who want to be the head of the household only seem to want that because they want to be able to get their own way in all things, without having to put up with any arguments or have any kind of strife in the marriage. Those are not really the qualities of a dominant man, in my book; and they may even be "switches" in the bedroom, or submissive guys who like to "top from the bottom."
If he does not truly relish and enjoy actively conquering and dominating a woman, and forcefully taking her in hand -- especially in the bedroom -- then I don't think of him as truly dominant; I just think of him as somebody who would like to get his own way in everything, without any fuss and bother. There is lots of fuss and bother in a Taken In Hand marriage -- all the talking things out, trying to understand her needs, finding delicious ways to exert control, etc. It's definitely not a marriage for lazy guys who don't want to bother investing time and effort into it. But even the fuss and bother can add to the love and joy and sexual intimacy of the marriage; so it's well worth the effort.
(This is another good reason to start in the bedroom. Most men are willing to invest considerably more effort into having great sex than they are into "improving our relationship." Really, those are closely related things, but women seem to realize that more than men do.)
The other aspect of your situation, as some others alluded to, is that it's difficult for a man to exert direct and forceful control over his woman when he's not even there. A man who is away for lengthy periods of time may have to go to some extra effort when he is together with his woman, to assert his dominance in a very direct and forceful way at that time. That way it will hopefully leave sufficient impression on her so that she will continue to feel submissive towards him even while he's gone.
Anyway, this seems to be a fairly common problem here, even for women whose husbands are not away from them much. I find it a little bit odd that so many men seem to be unwilling to claim their dominance with a little direct and forceful control. It seems to be a strange quirk of the times and culture that we're living in, which is so deeply in denial of manhood and masculine leadership in marriage. I wish you well in encouraging your man to more actively take you in hand.
#6 Give and Take
I relate to your need for him to take charge, as do most of the women here (thus we are called Taken In Hand, not Given In Hand). However, you should respect his desire to respect you. He is hesitant to take charge because he doesn't know that you want him to!
I will tell you what worked in my relationship. My husband is naturally dominant, but did not take control in most areas of our relationship at first because I'm so stubborn he was sure he would have a battle on his hands. Our men may be considerate, but they aren't psychic! I had to talk to him and tell him my desire for him to take control. After I assured him of my love, trust, and desire to submit to him, he ran with it!
In other words, make sure he knows that this is what you want! An integral part of this kind of relationship is consent. Make sure he knows that he has it. After this initial discussion (which I admit may not be necessary in some relationships), he will feel the freedom and encouragement to take charge. Communication can help your relationship to blossom, but the lack of it can cause it to die.
I hope this helps. God bless!
Lo
#7 Only a Fool Says "No" to Both Nature and a Woman in Love
See How to avoid making your life with your wife a living hell for this comment.