I am the woman in a similar situation. Mine is an amazing, gentle man, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Being taken in hand by him is very important to me and may be crucial to our relationship, but I have a hard time bringing it up with him because I don't want to tell him what to do, and I think he is afraid to push boundaries. I'm sensitive and a little crazy, and I think he's afraid of causing damage. We've touched on it a couple of times but I fear I am being pushy with him. Your girlfriend is very lucky that you have expressed interest in this.

My advice, coming from the woman's point of view, is to ask, ask, ask. I know that when my lover asked me about it I felt overwhelmed with love and admiration for him, simply because he was willing to learn, to go against his grain. Do you know WHY she is interested in it? What part(s) of this kind of relationship style appeal to her? Does she really want you to be bossy? Does she want rough sex, or just an element of control? Does she want you to control the smaller details of her life? Do you know the reasons behind her desires? And remember that being taken in hand is the ULTIMATE in respect- it means you love her enough that you promise to take care of her, protect her, make good decisions for her based on her well-being, and that you are willing to take risks for her. It means you cherish and treasure her. It means you love her enough to know (or find out) what she wants and needs. Also keep in mind that it's a lifestyle, not just a bedroom thing.

It's not always black and white and everyone is different. If you really find out the reasons behind her wanting this, you may find that it is much easier for you to fall into that strong and powerful role that she desires.

Look around this site- there are so many different, wonderful people on here, each with their own unique set of experiences. Spend some time on here, read what they have to say. You'll learn a lot. But most of all, ask her. Talk. Communicate. Bond.

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

You are lucky. Your girlfriend wants you to succeed and I promise you that she will make you look good when you stumble. You will find as you inch yourself into your own role in your relationship that your insecurities fade in the light of her response to you.

It may help to not think of it as being bossy. Instead, simply assume responsibility for her happiness and wellbeing. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. She has no say in this. There is no negotiation, no chest-thumping, and no grand proclamations; you will just unceremoniously take responsibility for her happiness and wellbeing.

The effect of assuming responsibility in a relationship cannot be underestimated in the male animal. This is where the magic happens inside you; you will gradually notice that your sense of responsibility for her will significantly deepen your feelings for her. You will become more possessive and more protective--in a good way--while growing more supportive and more committed to her.

You will also notice that you cease feeling insecure about mistreating her or hurting her. Since your actions stem from your intention of caring for her and protecting her, what you do for her--and to her--she will approve of.

You will be paying so much more attention to her that you will form an intuitive understanding of what she wants and needs. And that includes being rough with her in bed or spanking her. Men have intuition too; we just have to stop thinking so much.

It may feel frustrating if your girlfriend does not wish to tell you what to do, but if you slow down and pay attention, you will notice that she is continuously communicating what she needs and wants. So much of a couple’s communication is outside the realm of language and many women are baffled time and again when they realize that men seem oblivious to the large bandwidth of communication available within a relationship.

Use your girlfriend’s natural grace to your advantage. She will compensate for your missteps and adjust to you in ways you will not even notice. To be fair, she will probably be unaware that she is doing it as well, but rest assured that she will be there to make you look good. She sees and notices things that you miss; take advantage of that.

Help her help you: be conspicuous with your intentions towards her, advertise what you will do and she will reach up and meet you. Where and the way she meets you will not only indicate what she wants and needs but will be intuitively calculated to provide the best outcome for both of you. The increased attention you pay her is still, and will always be, less than the amount of attention she pays you.

Pretend your relationship is a dance; you and she are attending a black-tie ball and you wish to dance with her. You do not ask her which waltz steps to use nor do you negotiate who should lead. No, you smile at her and unhurriedly reach out your hand. She smiles back, takes your hand and you lead her out on the ballroom floor.

A momentary assault by insecurities of stumbling and stepping on her feet are dissipated when she slides into your arms with a perfect fit and an anticipating look in her eyes. And at that moment you realize that even though you lead her in the dance, she follows you so smoothly that it is like dancing with a wisp of perfume. When you take a wrong turn, she follows your lead so gracefully that nobody notices. When your feet stomp the floor in the wrong order, her slippers are always magically out of their way. When the onlookers all stare at her, her eyes never leave you.

Your girlfriend may be the one that is into Taken In Hand but she is actually giving you the gift of growing as a man by giving you a treasure to take responsibility for. Trust in her intuition of what is the best path for both of you. Trust in your own intuition when she needs a rock to hold on to.

Take her hand and she will introduce you to the man you are destined to be.

Dreamwalker

Wow.
Dreamwalker's comment should be a sticky all its own. Absolutely amazing writing. He's captured my experience with my most amazing lady...

Just as Dreamwalker describes-when I mis-step, she follows seamlessly, as if nothing had happened. She "makes me look good when I stumble." It has been quite an experience learning she was there to work with me, and not against me, unlike all my previous "egalitarian" relationships, where I always felt like I was being critiqued by my woman.

What Dreamwalker says about the man taking responsibility will deepen his love for her is spot on. Exactly my experience. By accepting my responsibility for her, I found myself paying much closer attention to her-for the first time I started to understanding her needs, wants, desires.

Amazing writing Dreamwalker-keep it up!

Sorry, but I'm having a bit of trouble understanding why we seem to get so many comments and questions here along the lines of "my man wants to be more dominant, and I want him to be more dominant, so how can he learn to become more dominant?" I mean, really: What?? It's simple, in principle: the man becomes more dominant by *dominating* her. He gains more control over her by *taking* more control.

If he's dominant by nature -- and not just trying to force himself into being something that he's not -- then he should take great joy in lustfully dominating his woman, it should be second nature (or first nature!) to him, he should be energized and invigorated by getting aggressive and taking her in hand. It should not be some burdensome task that he has to struggle with and try to rationalize to his conscience.

If he's sitting there passively waiting for some kind of *permission* to be a real man -- perhaps in the form of the Angels of Machismo fluttering down manfully from the heavens to announce to the world that it is OKAY for him to dominate his wife who clearly desires it -- well, good luck with that. You might be waiting a long time.

As with anything else, you're not going to gain self-confidence and ease, comfort and expertise, just by sitting there pondering the possibility of perhaps thinking about contemplating the option of considering the idea of perhaps tentatively doing it. JUST *DO* IT.

Honestly, this kind of thing would drive me nuts. Maybe some women are charmed by a man's reluctance to take charge, and they're all too happy to coddle and cajole him into learning to do that, step by step. I guess there's room for all kinds of Taken In Hand relationships, so far be it from me to discourage that, if they're both happy. But what I want in a dominant man is one who will take charge without waiting meekly for an engraved invitation to do so. I want a man who is so naturally dominant that it would be a struggle for him *not* to take charge of his woman.

As for religious icons and archetypes, I can't really see how Jesus would be a very useful role model for a dominant male. I mean, somehow I have trouble imagining him grabbing his wife as she struggles, throwing her down on the bed or the floor, and ravishing her senseless. (Or, alternatively, doing the black leather, whips and chains thing, which is more bdsm than Taken In Hand.) As I understand it, most Christians don't even think of Jesus as being very sexual at all, let alone aggressively male and sexually dominating, spanking his lover and whatnot.

If a man is looking for a powerful icon of masculine virility and aggressive sexual dominance, then it seems like the best thing would be to emulate The Great Horned God, I would say. (And I realize that not everyone here is a witch or a pagan; but I think this will make sense even if you're not.) The Horned God has many aspects, obviously -- as Great Pan the goat-horned god of the woodlands, or as Herne the stag-horned hunter of the forests, or the buffalo/bison god of the Americas, or the mighty Bull God or minotaur archetype so common in the ancient world; and many more besides. But what all of His aspects or archetypes have in common is that they all reflect His unbounded masculine potency, rampant virility, mighty strength, wild ecstatic energy, and natural dominance. That's the blazing fire of the sun between His horns, the thunder and spark of lightning in His dancing hooves. A man who wants to cultivate his own natural virility and male strength can start by tapping into this vast Force of Nature and evoking His presence within.

The Horned God is a powerful deity of archetypal Divine Masculinity, found all over the ancient Pagan world with its many hundreds of religions and Gods; and of course there is currently a great revival of His worship, with the flowering renaissance in Pagan religions. Thus it seems like He would be an ideal role model for men to rediscover and more freely express their own natural male energy, virility, and power.

Plus, the Horned God also loves and adores women; and in the religion of Wicca specifically, He is the divine mate and lover of the Goddess. It's a very romantic religion, with the quest for erotic love and fulfillment at its very heart. So perhaps that would make it a better place than the bible to go looking for romantic role models. Also better than sitting around contemplating and worrying and equivocating and dithering. Just grab the bull by the horns, as the saying goes.

DeeMarie,
You made a good point. Most people (myself included) do not think of Jesus as a sexual being. My intention, though, was not to spark a religious discussion, but to demonstrate my sincere belief that the ideal leader has good heart, a sincere compassion for the woman who submits to him, and a deep concern for her happiness and wellbeing. His genuine strength pours out through his actions, but the wellspring lies in his character. The fiery sex that I have experienced from implementing this dynamic in my life was, for me, a fantastic, unexpected byproduct, not the primary goal.

Lo

I could not agree with Hera more, and with Noone, less. Perhaps the deepest truth about a loving woman with her loving man is the fact that she does not wish to tell, does not wish to ask. For the most feminine of women this means that literally, they cannot say. Male fun is a woman who wants to be told. Male funnest is a woman who wants to be made to do as she is told sans negotiation, sans discussion. Girls who get wet at the mere thought of it are self-identifying. What further evidence is needed? Don't think for a moment that a man cannot latch the scent.

There are erotic contexts where it can be the deepest delicious mischief to make a girl ask and beg, but, guys, leave off leaving your woman no other recourse than to explicitly speak her needs. Modern male must be the only critter on earth who does apology and seeks permissions to assert his own needs and desires.

A woman has no need to seduce. To male she is inherently a provocative object of male desire. To not understand this is to not have a clue about the realities of lived male testosterone. There is a sense in which a woman will "tell" a man exactly how she wants to be treated, but the telling is through implicit body betrayal and body language, unsuppressable cues in her breathing patterns, body heat and flush, involuntary responsiveness. But golly fellas, it is for a man to discover this and earn rights to be the one to handle her. Give her a break. Must she really do all the work? A strong girl can't just let go. This is not a matter of defiance or resistance. She needs her man to take her where she needs to go.

VelvetHammer

The gist of the problem here is given in the fact that the man who initially posted has not returned to respond to those who have offered counsel. I find this rude and uncivil. It would seem that his wish to take his lady in hand is merely that, a wish. This is diagnostic of a sentimentalist, all noggin, all daydreaming fancy, with utter failure of execution, no follow through. It is the paralysis of those whose aggressive is blocked, under cover of the precautionary principle of "do no harm". Perhaps after working up a full romantic environmental impact study assessing the risk factors he will obtain a womanly legislative endorsement to go ahead, slowly, cautiously, lamely, and tamely. (If that fellow does happen to read this he may take me as being deliberately provocative of his anger. He would be right. That is his only way through this situation of intimate gridlock.)

Since our romantic hero is going to do nothing in this scenario, I have some counsel for a lady full of longings caught in this situation. Take your clothes off before him and engage in some do-it-yourself, teasing and taunting him with the lovely goodies that he is not man enough to take. Trust me that you must arouse his anger to awaken the passionate taking side of his nature, if such exists within him. Dare him to be your man. His physiological reaction is going to tell you in short order whether or not he is the man to handle you. Yes, it would be unladylike, disrespectful, rude, and insensitive of you to do this to him. So what? Is your sweet puppy boy going to go to tears? You must trust that a strong man does not wish you to worry about his feelings. A strong man will find this all hilarious fun and will be full of admiration for you in your sassy naughty boy/girl mischief. You are going to find out in a hurry just how much he adores your loving spirit, or, on the contrary, just how much you intimidate him and bowl him over. Perhaps the deepest fear of a strong woman is the notion that if she fully let herself go she would be far too much for him to handle. She fears she is much stronger than he is. Golly, she may be right. On the other hand, this is why her fancies go to that place where she is taken by a man intent only on satisfying his own lustful needs through her. It sets her free emotionally to indulge her own pleasurable longings, free of any concern or worry about being with a man whose ego she must coddle and mother.

As a fully secular earth boy I admit to some envy of those with a religious bent. I refer specifically to DeeMarie's comment and suggestions. If the core of Wicca is erotico-spiritual masculine/feminine bond and connection, then, bravo. The symbols, the icons, the ritualism, the sacramental, can be powerful reminders of the deepest meanings.

I do not wish my comments to be taken as endorsing or advocating any kind of intuitive "just knowing". In the tradition of the British empiricists I disavow and deny any notion of innate ideas. I am certain on the other hand that there lies within an enormous store of unspoken organic wisdom that will find expression in gesture and speech if we can only learn to let ourselves go to what surges up as an involuntary product of spontaneous attention, focus, and desire for our beloved.

I think that many folks here must get over the endless blah-blah of the respect talk. This is of course necessary foundation to the sort of intimate bond that we are after, but the constant self-referential prattle about dignity, sovereignty, autonomy, and self-worth is not diagnostic of confidence and certainty in this aspect of our personhood. I think it a deep mistake, this self-bolstering search within for our standalone strengths. I don't think that those who are strong and certain much dwell on their on self-identity, security, and self-confidence. They are simply too deeply absorbed in the objects of their fascination out there in the world, and their strengths and powers are fueled by the admiration and inspiration lent to them by the proper objects of those inner capacitites. In male-led intimacy this means that a man's woman is everything. She becomes his world. Just as he can learn to draw out her bests, he can learn his bests only through her.

And I am arrogant enough to insist that a woman does not know her needs. Only with the right man is she going to learn her truest needs and to a proper woman this will make for a profound crisis in self-identity, for in the emotional and sexual realm womanly bliss is realized in letting herself go to polar opposite of everything she was always taught she should be. A man's role might properly be defined as giving her certainty that she can do so without leaving behind any of her proud spirit and strength, without any contradiction to her lovely feminine dignity and grace as a forceful presence before the rest of the world. Womanly submission only has its right meaning with a woman who does not submit. Only a strong man can take her to that place, and it is for him to earn those rights. That is why the most highly spirited woman cannot ask, will not ask, will do without rather than ask.

I make no claim that what I advocate is suited to even a small portion of those who take interest in Taken In Hand. If you do not "get it" my best counsel is that you leave it alone. For all I care, mine is a highly eccentric disposition. I do not quite understand the obvious impulse in so many to generalizing, sociological notions. I see at work there an implicit premise of an identity politics of collectivism, the idea that somehow our belonging to a group sanctions our practices and behaviors. Individualism means no need for outside sanctions. In romantic intimacy, by extraordinary exception, a man and woman find sanction of their complementary masculine and feminine in each other. It can be done without a permit.

VelvetHammer

Seduction can have several meanings - not all of them have a sexual connotation. The word can also mean to attract, captivate or enchant.

Yet, if women did not seduce sexually - and provocation can be a seduction - either the world would depopulate or else rape would be the primary means of procreation. Either way, marriage would be a whole lot less fun!

Still, continually stirring things up can be disruptive to familial stability. As a result, Taken in Hand emerged as a stabilizing factor. Wives physically Taken in Hand by their husbands are quite aware that spanking takes the wind out of petulance. My wife once joked that there is no repartee to not being able to sit down!